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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Self fulfilling prophecy
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This evening we had a bad fight -my H promised months ago to sit down and put on paper what he felt for me and why I should believe him when he says he loves me (partly a reaction to my having to read his email love declarations to OW that included the line she was what he has been waiting for for 40 years). The most hurtful thing he has said to me was what he said tonight - we have a rocky past of arguments and I share blame for the unhealthy dynamic we got into but he told me this evening that my feeling "he didn't love me enough" was a self- fulfilling prophecy that led to his A. I am at the stage of wondering if he will ever take responsibility for his choice to cheat. Apparently me feeling unloved at times by se I his actions and saying it gives him the licence to then prove that to be true. 11months on I wonder why he ever stayed and why I cling to the hope that someone so un remorseful will ever be able to work towards healing...,

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask him how he would feel knowing now that those tables have turned. That you do indeed love someone enough, YOURSELF!!! And you will no longer accept responsibility for him getting into an A. If he can't see how great you are that is truly his loss.

((((MJane))))


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to say.

Are you in MC?


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2014
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in MC but stopped - he felt
"Attacked" by the process and frankly closed up and I was finding it very much a waste of time. Maybe the wrong choice of counsellor - a lovely lady who seemed out of her depth. He is still in IC but hasn't been in months . I am at point that am not sure I want to try anymore

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in MC but stopped - he felt
"Attacked" by the process and frankly closed up and I was finding it very much a waste of time. Maybe the wrong choice of counsellor - a lovely lady who seemed out of her depth. He is still in IC but hasn't been in months . I am at point that am not sure I want to try anymore

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Umm. That's all kinds of twisting words and rationalizing on his part

I'm so sorry. Everything he said is just wrong. Every married couple has a rocky past if they want to see it that way.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 580 | Registered: May 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No it doesn't sound like your mc counselor was the problem. Your wh is.

Let me tell you where else I heard that cruel rant about a self fulfilling prophecy. From my UNREMORSEFUL ws. Mine said if I believed he was still hiding stuff then that would make it true. It was hurtful but also extremely stupid. It didn't even make sense.

Yeah it sounds like a line from the asshole handbook.

Please know it's not true. You know that right? That is not what made him cheat. He's still blameshifting and gaslighting you.

That's why your mc didn't want you to go anymore. He's not well enough for mc to help. He needs to go back to IC on a regular basis, like weekly, or nothing is going to get better.

He's not going to wake up one day and figure it out. You need to either kick him out or file for divorce to get him to stop and reconsider his priorities. He sounds so nasty and so far from anything positive or healthy.

You've got to force a big change or get away from this guy. He's only going to hurt you more.

We can help. Please keep posting.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:21 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1892 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 7

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