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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggered by a trigger
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 months out: sometimes it is so hard to decide to discuss a trigger. I let it go for a while, but not so long that it will fester and become bigger than it already is. If I do decided I need to discuss it and work through it a bit I face two possible outcomes: I feel a bit bitter or I feel a bit worse.

If I get my wonderful remorseful spouse on that day it is nice, but he is not always in the place to give empathy or sympathy....this is not necessarily a "bad" thing. Sometimes he is in the place to boost me up, see our bright future together, how far we have come and so forth. This is all good, but I still sometimes feel like I want the empathy. HOWEVER, that being said when I get the empathy, that can re-trigger all those sad feelings in me because WHY am I getting all this wonderful empathy?...because he had affairs.

Also, if I do decide to discuss the trigger, I talk about why and how I feel and that again traumatizes me anew and makes me feel bad again.

So damned if I do and damned if I don't. Sometimes it helps, but often I am left feeling like a wet dishrag for a few days...sometimes it helps though. It is hard to know if talking bout the trigger will make me feel better...or worse

Am I the only one?


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get you. They (triggers) just suck. :( On the bright side, it sounds like your husband is doing his best to help you through them which is great. I'm hoping (for us both) that as we move through they will become less and less frequent and painful.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Margypan
♀ Member
Member # 44427
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not the only one - and I'm not a saint about confessing all of my triggers. But I feel like if I expect full open and honest communication from him, I need to at least reciprocate. So I TRY to tell him. Sometimes I might wait a bit til I think he'll be most receptive, and honestly, sometimes I bottle it up. No one is perfect.


Me: 30 BW
Him: 34 WH (Trip3)

Posts: 51 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: South Carolina
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't tell him all my triggers. Sometimes he's the trigger, sometimes seeing myself in the mirror is a trigger (the prostituts were younger than our daughters , words, movies - sometimes I don't even know what that right is. Latest hard one was deny pleased with my mew levels of physical ability, which made me as because of my reasons for it. So mostly I say nothing, and eventually it all gets too much and he sees me cry again - and is frustrated because I'm still hurting. Then we go round in painful circles. This sucks.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I trigger and don't know what I need to do to resolve it. That can go on for a few days. A number of times I've posted on SI about being in another funk.

The types of things we need to deal with are pretty standard for most of us, but specific things are unique. No good checklist or map is available. we have to make our best guess about handling every issue, and hope for the best.

Luckily, if one approach doesn't work, the issue will probably roll around again, and we'll be able to make another choice.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 5

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