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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I hate my situation...
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because there is nothing I can do to change it. I know the advice on this site is to fix your shit and choose to be happy and healthy and take control of the things that you can do something about but it's so freaking hard to let go. It's hard to wake up every morning and put a smile on your face and say to the world everything is good with myself because no matter how much progress I make I can't make my BS fight for me, love me or give a shit about me. I can't make her get off the fence. I can't change her.

I can't make her snap out of the fake state of just being content. I know all about the timeline and giving her time and space and all that but damn it I wish she would fight. Fight for our marriage. I may eat my words but I think if she told me it was over it would be better than this hell called limbo. It's not even really limbo. She's made her decision. To just be. I can't live like that forever. Why would you just want to live in the same house with someone but not give a shit about a future with them? I just don't understand it.

If you can't tell I am very frustrated. It is very hard to do this day in and day out with zero change. I know I probably sound like an insensitive jerk but I just needed to get it out. I love her with all my heart. That just makes it harder. I want her to tear the wall down and let me in. I don't know what else to do. I know I did this to her but I'm devastated that she has just given up. No fight, no resolve, just indifference.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a choice in this. You can choose to leave, but you're not. Why?


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From your tag, it looks like you had 8 months of TT and just passed your 1 yr anniversary of DDay. Both of those are pretty important details to consider.

Have you considered that maybe she's waiting for the next shoe to drop?

Have you also considered that by choosing to put up walls and showing you indifference, maybe she's protecting herself so you can't hurt her anymore?

She may be expecting you to hurt her again with new information that you withheld. She has no way of knowing that you've told her everything, and you don't have any way of proving that you've told her everything. That makes her scared. When you're scared, you get defensive. Her emotional shell is her defense mechanism.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatGuyNoMore is spot on.

I have almost given up on my WH. TT for 6 months, lies for over a year. I need to protect myself and not give a damn about him anymore. why should I? he didn't give a damn about me for over 2 years. Now he wants to "fight" for us? where was this before? What changed? And can I see it? Actions not words - you lied for how long? And NOW I get to believe you? Why, what changed? And how do I REALLY know that now you are telling the truth?

Good luck - I get where she is - I am right there with her. Just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Right on my head/heart.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 4:05 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's made her decision. To just be.
Are you sure she has not fallen into depression? is she still interested in other things in her life, like any former activities, hobbies, clubs, etc.

Has she lost interest in everything else, if so, it could be depression.


Posts: 4119 | Registered: Jun 2002
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many Therapists say that it takes 2-5 months to heal from the last lie that you are caught in.

If you are continuing to lie you continue to reset your spouse's recovery clock.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
RMarred
♂ Member
Member # 44242
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone... just try not to let how you feel right now overwhelm you.

It's really all up to you; you have to persevere, you have to keep going, and know that (in addition to everything everyone else's said here) nothing will last forever. It may never be as good as it was in all regards, but in many other regards it will be, and in other regards it will be even better... but not if you stop now. Not if you give up now. Not if you give her another reason to distrust you now. Persevere and persevere and persevere... regardless of the outcome, you'll be a better person, and that's actually the most important thing here. Not whether or not you stay together, because, sadly, that's already been compromised (not to point fingers at you, because I'm right there with you)... but because no matter what the outcome of this is, you need to be a better person for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14

I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2-5 months? Try 2-5 years! Especially if you lied and TT for any length of time.

There is a phenomenon here on SI called the "plane of lethal flatness." Sounds like she is there. I am personally very familiar with it. It is a combination of self preservation and exhaustion.

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair?" It is a short, to the point, book, with excellent, specific advice.

Good luck.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want her to tear the wall down and let me in. I don't know what else to do. I know I did this to her but I'm devastated that she has just given up. No fight, no resolve, just indifference.

This is the problem with TT as well as false R. I see my DDay as the day I was hit by a huge semi driven by my WH. All the TT felt like my WH was choosing to back up and run me over, and over, and over again. Now WH was ready to move on and put all the hurt and pain behind us but I was still scraping myself off the road and trying to stop the bleeding with tiny band aides. And just when I would start to think about healing, the bottom would fall out again and there I'd be scraping my mangled body off the road again while WH was so relieved to be free of one more lie.

I got to the point where my fear of being hurt again was so powerful that the thought of lowering my wall an inch would send me into a panic. The only way my FWH managed to break the wall down was by consistent, honest, patient, and understanding actions. I know for a fact it was frustrating and extremely hard for him but there are many valid reasons why experts say the healing time frame is 2-5 years.


I want her to tear the wall down and let me in.

That wall isn't going to come down until she feels safe with you. And it is possible. After almost 5 years, I can say that I'm starting to feel safe with FWH. R sucks all around for both parties. But its worth it.


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT is a soul killer. Many BS's say that's what killed the marriage, not the actual cheating.

You looked her in the eye and promised that was all for 8 months. And you were lying that whole time. Doesn't she get to put her vulnerability on hold for the next 8 months to see if you are being real this time?

You are so hurt by her withdrawal for this long. Don't you feel some empathy for what she must've gone through after finding out you were still hiding things from her 8 months later? It's only been 5 months for you.

This is a chance to turn your hurt around and understand how she has been feeling. It sucks when people don't fully open up to you doesn't it? Let her know how much you hurt, but also communicate and focus on how you think it must've hurt for her when you did it.

You can be angry and let it push you apart or you can use it to reach out to her and show some empathy for the pain you caused her.

How is it that you get to say alright already I've had enough, but when she said the same thing it didn't matter?

Your frustration with her reaction to you shows a lack of empathy. Work to get in touch with your empathy. If you can't express that to her, she's going to have a more difficult time trusting you.

Not being able to show empathy and compassion for the position he put me in caused a huge roadblock in our healing. When he was upset with my reaction I felt it was still all about him and how he felt. It did not make me feel safe with him.

You can do something to change it. You need to show consistent actions with her. It needs to last forever. If it stops, if you give up, it will prove to her it wasn't real It's upsetting to see you so frustrated so soon. I would guess she might be sensing your frustration and doubting your commitment.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 4:31 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I can't make her snap out of the fake state of just being content. Fight for our marriage. I may eat my words but I think if she told me it was over it would be better than this hell called limbo. It's not even really limbo. She's made her decision. To just be. I can't live like that forever. Why would you just want to live in the same house with someone but not give a shit about a future with them? I just don't understand it."

Please read this paragraph you wrote over a million times and answer your own questions!!!

These thoughts word for word apply to when you had your own affair. You lived in a fake state, you lived in limbo, you lived in the same with house with someone and didn't give a shit about your future with them.

She doesn't understand it either.

[This message edited by apathetic1 at 8:56 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

apathetic1...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198326 | Registered: May 2002
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are right about what I need to do. Just so you know I am doing it. I wrote that post yesterday as kind of a therapeutic way of getting it out of my system. I probably should have just written it in a journal instead of here.
Some days it just overwhelms you though and yesterday was one of those days. I make no excuses and have no reason to argue with anything anyone said. Time to go back to work and keep on putting in the effort.
I just want to clarify I'm not upset with her, but rather myself. I know I did all this. I take responsibility. I just wish there was a glimmer of hope. I love her so much.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is hope when she is still with you after everything you have done. The hope for her will die with continued thinking as you did yesterday.

I was hit with woe about me and what he had to put up with after continued lying and seeing his AP. He expected life would continue on as usual and there would be no emotional consequence. With every act of self-preservation by my xh came one by me. Eventually I knew that his A was the same type of self-preservation act and that I didn't come into his future plan unless I snapped out of it and went back too being a wife who let him take care of him first.

Instead of journaling and coming here, talk to her and communicate about how you feel backed up with how you feel about being responsible for her being devastated. Take responsibility because she may not be able to do anything but be on cruise-control, just to be able to survive right now. In nature the male is the protected of the female, time to be the man she needs and make her feel safe and secure so she can see a glimmer of hope for the marriage. What you do now starts to build the marriage and if a foundation is built wrong, then what is built will fail.


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wontdefineme, thank you for that.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing you were venting makes a difference. Everyone needs to do that at times. I was afraid you had different motivations and I'm relieved to hear you are committed to remain consistent. Just hang there. I'm sure it's hard.

I still think you can use it to open some dialogue with her about how you made her feel. Keep it up!


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 16

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