I think I'm making progress. A few months ago, I went into a two week long tailspin just because my uncle saw her and told me about it. This time, I just rolled my eyes and hit delete.
I wonder if she's picked up herpes yet.
[This message edited by h0peless at 12:01 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]
h0peless, it does get tough sometimes to see those old moments that used to mean so much of us be devalued and now cause us negative thoughts.
WornDown - Keep your chin up its a good sign that you recognize her behavior towards you.
Well said. On the topic in-general of those reminders and triggers, I'll add my own example. I saw one of my former sisters-in-law yesterday as her husband (who was a "friend" that hasn't said a word to me since d-day like all the rest of XWW's clan) was piling her and their kids back into their car. Just happened to be in the same parking lot at the same time. As soon as I saw their car, I knew I would have to walk right past them to get where I was going. For a split second, I thought about turning around and going back to my car, but why should I? I will admit my heart rate shot up a bit as I got closer, but I kept it together. As I passed, I smiled, waved, but didn't break stride. I got no response. I don't know if it's because they didn't see me or were just ignoring me. I'd like to think they may not even recognize me now (for reasons I'd call good). Point is, I went about my day.
It wasn't long ago just seeing anyone associated with my xww would've broken me. I'd have reached for the nearest bottle and jumped on SI immediately so I could be talked off the ledge. Now? Meh, shit happens.
It does get better menz. It really does.
Meh, shit happens.
It does get better menz. It really does.
I can remember after my ex and I split in 03 I was triggering all over the place. I took leave and flew to the states to see my oldest two for Christmas. I paid for a suite at a nice hotel and was headed out to the store to pick up a tree and some decorations when the phone rang. It was my x-FIL. He asked what the hell I was doing, and I told him I didnt want any problems with the family shit was what it was, I was there to see the kids leave me the hell alone. I no sooner hung up then there was a knock at the door. He said grab your shit get in the truck you're staying with us.
Very confused (X had stirred the drama llama telling me how she lied and told everyone I was this and that and everyone wanted to kick my ass) I grabbed the kids and bags and got in the truck.
At the house, my X-BIL's all pulled up and came over giving fist bumps and back slaps. We cracked some beer and my x-FIL goes into this rant about how my x is a lying cheating good for nothing whore just like her mother, which is why he divorced her. I said "Dude, that's your daughter!"
"Truth hurts. Want another beer?"
I no longer triggered.
Makes me think I may need to give my x-FIL a call. When I said earlier that no one from my xWW's clan has said a thing to me since everything came out, he's the exception. He made it very clear to me he does NOT agree with his daughter's decisions. He too is divorced from "the clan," but yeah, he still loves his daughters very much. That said, he still always said it like it was. I genuinely liked the guy, and he me.
Been debating reaching out to him...maybe I will...
That made me think for a minute about some psycho babble I heard a couple of times, that maybe closer to home than I originally thought. Something about women picking men who remind them of their fathers.
I've gotten along great with my x-FIL, my FIL, my STBXW's step dad, and her grandfather. Her Step Dad, Grandpa and I usually sit off to the side and commiserate during family functions. Including my FIL (who made himself persona non grata during his and MIL's divorce), we are the only vets in the family. We joke that we're all married to the same woman, have similar interests, etc., how her Grandpa was in the Chair Force, Her Step Dad was a Jar head, and how I was in the Army (because even marines need heroes!), etc. Great group of guys but I sure hope STBX didn't pick me cause I remind her of her Father / father figures.
[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 6:02 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]
As my now adopted countrymen with similar backrounds would say 'Hooo-ah'.
I was a grunt. We didn't need no fucking wings to get the job done.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
Of course, I shouldn't talk. I never saw actual combat (Navy doc). And I never liked aviators anyway, but I did get a lot of benefits from Top Gun back in the day.
Ah, the good old days.
Reallyscrewedup7- We won't hold it against you, as long as you buy the next round!
All shit aside, my Dad was Navy, My Uncle was Army(Korean War), my Grandfathers were both Army (one was in the French Foreign Legion in WWII, other was in the U.S. Army European theater WWII), great grandfather was Army (Died in WWI), and the whole family just looked at my Dad like a lost sheep. Except from his stories I think he got into the most "action", so maybe he was onto something...
Forged1 - Hoo-ah!
Seconded along with all Men here who served. My Dad served in the Navy, my FIL in the Army, and many buddies went jarhead. I have so much respect for those who served. My Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps except for military service, and he had his PTSD reasons from 'Nam. Regardless of branch, you all have my utmost respect.
S&L and Losfer - I think I will give my x-FIL a call this week. Thank you.
BBQ next weekend at his house.
I couldn't end this weekend better.
My STBX-SIL doesn't speak to stbx. At all. She's beyond disappointed in her sister. And she warned her grown kids about stbxww's behavior, essentially forbade her kids to talk to her. She calls me her brother now (before she always called me her brother in law). She says she lost a sister but gained a brother.
I'm keeping contact with her and my nephews/nieces, I will likely go visit, possibly with the kids, after D is final.
XMIL has also said she wants to continue contact with me, but she lives with stbx so that's going to be a no. She also has too many of WW's undesirable narcissistic traits although in a now tamed-by-age form (which never bothered me before because she never used them against me, but now it kind of bothers me).
Her issues come directly from her mom and dad. Who appear to be "great folks" on the outside.
Her dad has a KISA complex and has had an EA with a family "friend" for decades. Her mom just rug sweeps and justifies why she has't kicked him out in the last 40 or so years.
FWW understands now how F'd up it all is but sometimes she tries to justify her mom's actions and I always tell her don't bulls*it yourself you know what's what.
I know my FWW did not marry me because of daddy issues I am nothing like that ass clown.
If I had not married her when she was 19 she would have ended up on a stripper pole somewhere.
After the divorce is final, I would probably stay in touch with her Step dad and her Dad. The rest of her family can take their drama llama lying cheating asses and exit left.
[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 9:36 AM, August 18th (Monday)]
My silence was literally purchased. Sister in law was a friend to the A. Brother in law, a very religious man, connected the dots and offered help and support to me. I can count the number of times he reached out on no hands. Coward like the rest of them.
In the beginning it seemed very important to me that I clear my name regarding her parents. As time went on it became less important. I don't have any idea what XW said about me before, during or after the proceedings. I know the people she "respects" have no idea about her actions, only that the marriage was over. I agreed to keep quiet in exchange for a payout. It became my nuclear deterrent. When she dragged her feet on payments, etc. I only needed to gently remind her I held that Ace. Felt guilty a bit, but I soon realized I'd never, ever see or hear from these people again in a hundred lifetimes. I was told to GTFO, so I took my money and up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. They can have each other.
Your biggest pay off would have to be the fact that you are living a life that sounds like a freaking Jimmy Buffet song.
Living well is the greatest revenge.
In the beginning it seemed very important to me that I clear my name regarding her parents
I was this way with most of my xWW's family. As time went on, I still felt like I had to at least say "goodbye." One day, I snapped out of it because, well, of the huge (and I mean huge) family my xWW has, not a single.fucking.one. of them reached out to me at all. You'd think the law of averages would lead to a text, phone call, something from someone. Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you don't know what to say to me. Tell me something. Instead, complete silence. So, why would I approach any of them? I don't owe them shit.
Time also has put "the clan" (as I've started calling them for some reason) in proper perspective. There aren't many of them I have any real respect for. They're a sad, sorry bunch really. I'm not saying that as the scorned ex; I'm saying it because I realize it's true. The lack of morale compass from an entire group of people who mostly consider themselves devout Christians is mind-blowing. I can tell stories of infidelity, physical and emotional abuse, and so on. They're hypocrites and cowards. I see that now, and I know I am much better off without them. They can judge me any way they see fit. I know who I am, and I now see who they are.
My x-FIL, though far from a perfect man, is and has always been different. He's the only one I ever felt a real bond with. I truly consider him a friend, and we have so much else to talk about other than the person through whom we met. It's somewhat ironic that he too is divorced from the clan. I'm sure my name comes up among the clan gatherings now much as his did when I was still a member. Generally if he was mentioned, it wasn't in a flattering way even though, from most perspectives, he wasn't the one who did wrong. They can curse me too, or not mention me at all. Of all the things I may lose sleep over, I won't lose a wink of sleep worrying about what they think of me.
I completed this task at an early age with my own family; liars, cheats, drunks, criminals and drug addicts. I stay in touch with my Father, and that's it (My grandmother was the only other person who gave a shit and cared about someone besides herself, but passed in 98). No aunts, uncles, cousins, or any of that bullshit. If I can prune my own family tree in such a manner, then it's that much easier when dealing with in-laws.
Besides, you all know what the difference between in-laws and out-laws , right? Outlaws are at least wanted...
Not to take away from actual friendships that do occur between us and FIL's, BIL's, or whatever. But don't be afraid to sever those ties with the rest of them and move on.