I know no amount of money can magically make the pain of betrayal go away.
I'm by no means saying it was easy. My path was chosen for me and I worked hard to make my new life happen. Letting go was the hardest thing I hope to ever have to do. If you had told me at any point in my life I would be literally offered cash for silence I would've laughed in your face. Business, criminal, you name it, that's' movie shit, not real life, right?
I don't owe them shit
Exactly. The day I realized that was the day I cashed the check. I'll never see them or hear from them again. Maybe they bring me up on drunken holidays, maybe not. Not my problem.
Living well is the greatest revenge.
It that old saying: "When life hands you lemons at least you have a proper garnish for your martini"........or something like that. I forget
The lack of morale compass from an entire group of people who mostly consider themselves devout Christians is mind-blowing.
I second this. STBXWW and her mother believe that because "they repent" (or say they did) they can talk about it laughing and continue on their sinful ways. They miss the point entirely.
Which is why my stbx-SIL's family calls me their brother now. Nobody in her family talks to her now, she feels isolated. Why? Because she dares tell them the truth - that although the Christian God does forgive, it requires real contrition and they are clearly not being contrite, and anyone can see it.
Is my stbx-SIL preachy? Yes, for sure. But she is usually right on the family stuff. She is still M'd, has adult children who are tremendously well raised, and practices what she preaches. Her husband, my stbx-BIL is pretty cool too, we go fishing when I'm there.
I look forward to visiting them one day if for no other reason than for my kids to keep in touch with the parts of their mothers' family that's worth keeping in touch with.
Known them for years, even the bad stuff. They're an admirable family. And for that very reason they don't talk to the rest of their own famliy - for years they only talked to us (of SIL's family). Because they thought we were like them. And we were. Or so I though.
And now stbxww is back to her true family form.
My own fam is not that great either. But it's more "pockmarked" with badness, not almost the whole bunch.
Sometimes I think that maybe if we hadn't brought my stbxMIL in to live with us (lots, lots of damage there) she wouldn't have cheated. And that now that they live together by themselves she will probably downspiral because of the crap stbxMIL says all day long. But like I saw here, "not my circus, not my monkeys" (anymore).
Got a question for the menz regarding the inlaws... My brother is getting divorced from his wife, after a long separation, infidelity (his) and now another child with another woman (didn't knock her up while he was with his wife, just after a two year separation). Anyways, the divorce is getting bitter, and my SIL is going for the throat. Can't say I blame her, and I'm generally trying to avoid taking sides. My brother is getting hit hard by the karma bus right now, and whatever I may think of his actions he is still my brother, and otherwise a good guy who I am close to. No 2x4s needed I know all-to-well the pain he caused, but I'm not going to cut him out of my life for it. Not condoning him, supporting him, or anything like, just keeping him in my life.
Here's my dilemma though. I've always liked the SIL, we always got along well together. Given that she lives on the other side of the country though the odds of us ever seeing each other again are slim-to-none, and slim is disappearing over the horizon. Even if we were to keep in touch making the trek to actually see her is almost certainly not in the cards. I've accepted that this is a person who for all intents and purposes is going to drift out of my life. Give everything that has happened to her, she probably wants it that way. But I've been considering sending her a final good-bye letter. Saying that I've always liked her, I'm sorry that it came to this, and that I hope she finds happiness, yada, yada, yada... but given the bitterness with which the divorce is being conducted I don't want this coming back on my brother, nor do I want to be dragged into it somehow ("oh yeah?? well you're own brother...") Selfish and cowardly perhaps, but like I said I'm almost certainly never going to see her again, and this is my brother we're talking about. So in the collective wisdom of the Menz here what say you? Should I send her a good-bye letter? Or just live with the memories?
I also lost the in-laws after Dday. Good riddance to most of them, but there were two little nephews who I had held the day they were born and had the privilege of being uncle to until they were three and six who I'll never see again. That hurt a lot at the time. I also miss her youngest sister and her husband. They were good people. Sometimes, though, there is collateral damage.
Good riddance to most of them, but there were two little nephews who I had held the day they were born and had the privilege of being uncle to until they were three and six who I'll never see again.
I had 2 nieces (3 and 5) and a nephew (10) that I knew from the day they were born. Those nieces absolutely adored me. I remember last Christmas with all the clan around, they shadowed me. I will never forget how they would light up any time they saw me. I often picked up a little bit of jealousy from my xWW and other members of the clan for how attached those girls were to me. I know I'll likely never see them again, and that still hurts. Then again, I look at their family, and sadly I don't hold out much hope for them. At least I knew them when they were innocent.
I won't even get started on the nephew. I'll just say he never had a chance, and if he doesn't end up in prison or a psychiatric ward as an adult, I would be shocked.
Besides, you all know what the difference between in-laws and out-laws , right? Outlaws are at least wanted...
Okay, I'm stealing that.
My in-laws....what I won't miss about them far outweighs anything that I would miss. There's an extremely high level of toxicity and negativity and general fuckedupness there. No great loss in the grand scheme of things.
I'm absolutely fine with them not being part of my future.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
The old 'can't change spots' thing....
Thought you guys might need a laugh, I know I laughed out loud...
Jus don care no mo....
I threw something in my stbx's face a few weeks back along those same lines. She claimed she wasnt cheating and I said,"great, then everything would be cool with you if the roles were reversed then, right?"
"No. Hell no they wouldn't be."
My point exactly.
Papers signing. Posted on D/S about it.
It's too early in the West Coast for a beer. Damn it.
It's too early in the West Coast for a beer.
It's 5 o'clock somewhere brother.
Last week I posed a question about outing AP after many years post dday and a successful R. I’d say the majority suggests that I probably shouldn’t.
I just have this gnawing desire to play my final card b/c if I don’t soon I know i’ll have to simply throw it to the middle of the table. IMHO its a trump card that I’d hate to waste.
I agree with all of your opinions, and thanks for them, but i’m not settled. I’ve thought since dday that the creep will to pay, and someday will. He can’t get away with this … can he?
I’ll chew on this a bit longer.
Now please return to your conversations.
The Bible says Let the man that goeth into another mans wife not go unpunished. Karma gonna get'm any way.
But if you still need to do it for yourself then do it. Just consider what the fallout for you may be.
Just consider what the fallout for you may be.
I'd sit and really, really think about that. The fallout might not be what you'd obviously expect - you might get the equivalent of a shrug of the shoulders and a 'whatthefuckever - it was a long time ago'.
I think you need to evaluate what could happen as opposed to what you think is likely to happen, take account of confirmation bias and also allow for the fact that what you're about to reveal at this stage of things might not necessarily be the trump card that you think.
For example, there is an element (a very vicious and tragic one) to my STBXWW's affair that I understand the AP doesn't know about, and neither does her family. I could certainly make that known to AP and STBXWW's FOO, and that might well change a lot of attitudes towards STBXWW.
So, let's say I fire off a few emails or send a registered letter. It's entirely possible that what I reveal will cause a massive amount of damage to her future employment prospects (AP is her boss) as well as causing a lot of trouble with her family. Of course, there's no guarantee that it'll play out like that - supposing I try to raise this matter and it doesn't have the desired effect. What does that do for me? Seriously - what exactly would I get out of it?
Here's a take on playing your trump card that you mightn't have considered. Every day that you don't play it is a day that he has to wonder whether his life blows up or not. It's not going to be at the forefront of his mind, but there won't be a day until the man is buried where he's not going to be wondering at the back of his mind whether he's going to be outed or not. Playing your trump might be headshot if it goes right for you, but there's always a chance that you'll 'miss' if you follow me.
On the other hand, this is death by a thousand cuts. Every day that passes, you take a little piece of the day from him. 'Is today the day when I get found out?' And every night, when he goes to sleep and breathes a sigh of relief that his world didn't blow up, he also realizes that tomorrow is another day. And the day after that. and every day for the rest of his life.
That's why I'm not 'outing' this thing with my STBXWW. She knows that I know. She may not be consciously thinking about it, but she knows, and knows that I could not only reveal it, but prove that what I'm saying is true.
After we go out separate ways, and life returns to whatever passes for 'normal' on Planet STBXWW, she'll begin to think 'What if today is the day Forged dimes me out to AP or to Mom and Dad?'
Any future relationship, she'll have to either come clean about what she did and run the risk of New Guy telling her to fuck off, or she'll have to lie. And she'd have to build a new relationship on a lie, and run the risk of what she doesn't want known coming to light at some point.
Play the long game. Death by a thousand cuts. The guy is suffering, fear gnawing at him a little bit each and every day. That's the sort of stuff that leads to cancer and insanity.
Let the c**t suffer. It's only a little bit every day, but it's a little bit every day forever.
Gentlemen, if I might interrupt the discussions for just a brief moment of your time...
For any of you menz who don't make it down to the Fun and Games Forum very often (as well as for any of you who do but might have missed it), I'd like to direct you attention to the Texas State Fair Get-Together coming up in just 2 short months. Yes that 2, just 2 short months in which to purchase airline tickets, reserve a hotel room, make arrangements to take time off of work....
What's that you say? You hadn't planned on attending?
Well why fer fucks sake not? Why wouldn't any member of the Betrayed Men's community literally jump at the chance to physically hang out with such a distinguished group of BH's as has already confirmed their attendance at this groundbreaking occasion?
"What distinguished BH's would that be?" You scoff derisively.
"Well," I smugly retort, "just take a listen to this list of luminaries".... These...Dare I say it? Yes I dare!
These Shining Lights of the Betrayed Menz Community.
The thoroughly laudable MangledHeart
The utterly indomitable JJCT
The pleasantly amiable Knights
The completely likable MadeOfScars
The endlessly adaptable Holdingtogether (me of course)
And the incredible, adorable, inscrutable and ostensible-y to be named later, Mystery Guest who's identity I am not presently at liberty to divulge. (But trust me it's a good one)
So what are you waiting for. Book a plane, reserve a train, just get to DFW in October for a whooping good time. Dinner for everyone at my place that Friday night, sobriety optional but not highly recommended.
On a more serious note gents...
If you have never been to an SI G2G before I would highly recommend trying to attend one if it's in anyway feasible for you to do so. I know that I was hesitant to attend my first one but I ended up just wishing I had done it sooner. There is something indescribably, wonderfully, refreshingly freeing about going from spending years surrounded by people that I knew would never understand my situation if I were ever foolish enough to say anything about it to them.....
To, in an instant, being surrounded by people who totally understood my situation without my ever having to say a word.
I can't possibly recommend it enough.
I want everyone of you to consider this your engraved invitation. Hope to see you there. It'd be an honor to meet men such as all of you.
To summarize the last 2 posts -
What Forged1 said.
What HT said.
So I'll be with y'all in spirit if not in spirits.
I just wrote "y'all". I must be going native.