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User Topic: Rude?? Or is it just me??
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So a big- no, HUGE- part of my NB has been rekindling my love of dance. I do salsa, country dance, west coast swing, some ballroom, and anything else I can. I absolutely love it.

My NB has also recently included a new apartment, where I met a downstairs neighbor who is also single. We'll call her S. We are just getting to know each other and have hung out a little. When I told her how much I love to dance she mentioned she does as well. Last night I was headed out to the nearby country bar to meet some friends and I decided to see if S would like to go. She eagerly joined me. She does not own a car, so I drove.

We get there and meet my other friends. The bar does a free lesson every night, so we all do that. Everyone, including S, seems to be having a good time. After the lesson the dancing is the usual mix of partner dance (two step etc), pattern dance, and line dance. S doesn't know most of the dances but guys are helping her and she is doing well. Then I return to our table and she is sitting there looking cross. I ask her what's wrong, and she launches into a total tear down of the bar and everyone in it.

The bar is too hot, too crowded, there are not enough men. She says the dancing is "stupid, boring, fake, silly, robotic, pathetic and like Disneyland animatronic", among other things. She declares this bar is "not a real country bar at all." Her main complaint is that everyone is dancing the same, which they are not. Couples are out there doing all kinds of moves, spins turns etc, but YES, if the song is a two step then everyone is two stepping. She has a major problem with this, and why is everyone acting like "sheep" when according to her they should go cha cha or disco or wtf ever even though the song is a two step. I try to explain its the beat of the song dictating what dance goes with it, not people just deciding to all do the same thing, but she won't listen.

Then she rips apart the line dancing and how pathetic that is, and that "real" dancing involves touching a man, not a bunch of pathetic women all doing the same thing like robots in a line. (keep in mind, I was one of those "pathetic women" just moments before.) I try to explain that not everyone has a partner, or is brave enough to ask someone. Some "pathetic women" are stuck with non-dancing H's. This was me when I would go there with XWH. He was an unwilling partner, but he wouldn't let me dance with anyone else either. So line dancing was the only way I could dance at all.

Anyway, S wanted to leave. She said she would walk home but of course I could not let her do that even though I was upset. So we left, even though it was very early and I was not ready to leave. In the car I tried to explain how hurtful it was to listen to her tear down something that I love, especially after I went out of my way to include her. She asked "Why are you absorbing my opinion? I would never let anything someone said bother me like that."

The whole evening left me upset and confused. Of course she's entitled to have her opinion, but to unload it all over someone, when you know damn well it conflicts with their own feelings on the matter... well to me that's just rude and hurtful. We talk so much on here about self worth not being dependent on other people, and for the most part I think I do okay at that, but this really bothered me.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give her a day to cool down and then talk to her about how you thought it would be fun to include her in something that you enjoy....if she is still angry and upset there is obviously something else going on with her....perhaps something based on a previous experience she has had...
I don't want to come right out and say don't include her again in going to dance, but it may be what ends up happening. Maybe after sitting and talking with her you can get to the real root of the problem.....maybe it was a trigger for her for something that has happened in the past and left a bad taste in her mouth......
Glad you had a good time, even if it was cut short....HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4845 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wowwwwwww..... Yeah, that was rude. Of her, not you. My gosh, that was really rude.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's asshole behavior. On her part, obviously!


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it was rude, and I find THIS very telling:

"Why are you absorbing my opinion? I would never let anything someone said bother me like that."

Just knowing what I NOW know about some types of people, I wouldn't bother with her again, but that's just me.

ETA: I feel I should explain- you have a few hallmarks of NPD behavior here and that's why I said I wouldn't deal with her again.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:54 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The, "why are you absorbing my opinion" thing raises huge red flags for me.

I think I'd limit this "friendship" to hello at the mailbox and, if you are in the right headspace, maybe a drink in a common area.

She wasn't rude. She was pathological.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
worried_lady
♀ Member
Member # 27605
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way too much drama. I don't need or want friends like that. Good you know this about her now. Cut your loss and be glad she has only ruined 1 night for you and let it be the last.


Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

Posts: 463 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Texas
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she hit some kind of trigger and exploded. Her reactions are extreme for what was going on. Maybe she got criticized by a partner and it pissed her off.

Her main complaint is that everyone is dancing the same, which they are not. Couples are out there doing all kinds of moves, spins turns etc, but YES, if the song is a two step then everyone is two stepping.

Maybe she was expecting more variety of dances. As one that dances quite a bit and knows many dances, I love to play the "what would I dance to this song" game, and often there is more than one answer.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52584 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have a few hallmarks of NPD behavior here and that's why I said I wouldn't deal with her again.

Bingo. Thank you!! I couldn't figure out why this was getting to me so much and I think this is the answer. Her comment about absorbing her opinion etc is definitely a red flag, and was a blame shift making her bad behavior somehow my fault/my problem. At the time it struck me as both arrogant and massively insecure. But that is NPD and reminds me a lot of XWH now that I view it in that light.

Thanks everyone for your insight. I feel a lot better about this now. I will be neighborly when I see her around the apartment complex, but that is the last invitation she'll ever get from me. Since becoming single I've made a lot of good new friends, so I am hardly lonely. And there is no room in my life for another NPD, EVER.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Why are you absorbing my opinion? I would never let anything someone said bother me like that."

Gosh, this sounds like the OW my H ran off with. She'd say stuff like this....

No normal person treats anyone this way...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just giving my H the abbreviated version of this story and he agrees with the NPD thing- and he would know because his sister is full-blown NPD!

Her comment about you "absorbing" was telling, but I think THIS was the most telling thing you wrote:

The whole evening left me upset and confused.

Because THAT is how NPDs make normal people feel.


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that your nice gesture backfired on you and ruined a lovely night! This is all, all, all on her. I am so angry that this woman was so cruel (not just rude--actively hurtful) when you were being an amazing neighbor to an uncalled for level. I would cut her off, explain it if she asks questions, but save yourself from being exposed to this grief.

I also get upset when people are upset, I'm trying to get better boundaries about that so I avoid internalizing it. Maybe some extra reading on baggage reclaim would help you process the situation?

(((gypsybird)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not be inviting her out with me anymore.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2253 | Registered: Feb 2010
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been to a few events with my new friend (and her friends) that I'm not wild about. I would never disparage something she is fond of. If I don't like it, I'll make the best of the situation and try to have fun, and then politely decline further invitations to said event.

IMHO, this is an indicator of what a friendship with this woman is likely to look like.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course she's entitled to have her opinion, but to unload it all over someone, when you know damn well it conflicts with their own feelings on the matter.

This sounds like a new relationship? You have had some *hallway* convo's but his was the first time you've been out together? She may not have realized how passionate you are about the dancing?

I agree she was a rude how she presented her unhappiness to you, but she may not have damn well known.

The next time you see her, get it off your chest, gently, to clear the air so that there isn't that uncomfortable vibe when you see each other in passing.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 7:54 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6550 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@lucky2,

Thanks for responding. It is/was? a fairly new friendship, but dance is something we discussed at length as we compared singledom and how it differed from being married. I love dancing and anyone who knows me for more than about 5 minutes is going to know how passionate I am about it.

Even if she *didn't* know, I said very clearly that it was hurtful to hear her tear apart something I love so much. Wouldn't a normal person who simply didn't realize have stopped there? Or at least backed off a little? Instead she ramped up even more, and gave the "absorbing my opinion" line. Whether she knew or not before, she definitely knew during this encounter exactly how I felt. And if this is her way of handling it... well, it doesn't make eager to pursue the friendship.

It's now been several days. No contact or apology from her. So perhaps she's decided I'm not friend material either, since I'm a silly, pathetic, line-dancing opinion sponge.

I'm over it now. Live and learn.

ETA- this was not the first time we had been out together.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 1:59 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a silly, pathetic, line-dancing opinion sponge.

How did things go the other time(s) you were out with her?


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once she went with me on a guest pass to my gym, another time we got a pizza delivered and watched a movie. And we went river kayaking on the little river that runs right through our area. She had done that before and I had not, so I was the one out of my element. I guess I should have thrown a fit and declared it stupid. Kidding. It was fun and I was looking forward to going again sometime. Oh well.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 18

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