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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: this time
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start of a new week coming. Should have a little time at work to work things out in my head. I have set wife back to the begining. Now I need to start over and go harder.

I will be doing a lot of journal writing this week. It will be easier to write things out as I go. Then give to my wife each day to read. She may not agree with this method but I think it will work best for me to do it this way. When you are one part of a long term affair and the details are hard to remember, I think finding some quite and to focus on that period in time is the best way to go.

The damage I caused a week ago deleting a text. And mistakenly deleting all of them and then trying to cover up my bad choice is going to be bring about a harshness to our marriage we haven't since dday. The memories are flooding back for both of us. She remembers conversations one way and I remember them another.

Her mind is going in so many directions. And she can't wait much longer for answers. I need to stop focusing on the big picture, our marriage and its survival. And focus on my affair. I mean really focus. I have worked so hard at trying to save it. I haven't begun to fix it. And it now starts with me.

Anything new I remember or even just writing out everything I know again. Started a timeline before and got side tracked. May even be the end of our life together as husband and wife. But it may give her mind and heart the peace it needs. I have heard her say before that if this happens again I'm done. And yeah something have happened again. And she's still here. So now its time to stand up and put her feelings before mine no matter the outcome. I will always be a father. And a good one. So no matter what happens I will have them.

My wife is hurting. Really hurting. And its hurting me to know I caused it again. The choices we make in life follow us to the end. How we chose to learn from them determined what that end will be.

Be honest be loyal be loving. May we all be able to find the peace in ourselves to fight the good fight


Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Started a timeline before and got side tracked. May even be the end of our life together as husband and wife.

Why did you get "side tracked"? What does that mean? What it would tell me, is that after two years it just isn't that important to you.

I have heard her say before that if this happens again I'm done. And yeah something have happened again. And she's still here.

You should consider yourself very lucky. But ask yourself why do you deserve another chance? What is it about "this time" that you are going to change and do differently? Writing out that timeline is a fine start but then what?

Have you been really listening to what she is telling you? Our BSs have this tendency to give us road maps on how to help them heal. What is it she is saying that she needs from you? That's where you should start. It's obvious she needs transparency. Don't delete a thing. She needs honesty. Give her the details she has been asking for. I can be certain remorse is something she wants too. And I can tell you that being self deprecating over "mistakes" you make are not remorse. You need to have empathy. Put yourself in her shoes before you do something.

Listen to her. I worry that you aren't because

She may not agree with this method but I think it will work best for me

What is it she thinks will work? Why are you fighting it?


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When i say side tracked. i just mean we went on to other topics and never really returned to it. She read what i did put down and it was ok. As far as what happens after all this< im not sure. will have to take it as it comes. More conversations, more reading and IC. I dont know if she will like how im going about it. She hasnt said. I just know for me its the best way for me to be open and honest. And to write it out as im thinking of it. Not trying to remember it later.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People emember things in different ways. Sometimes its a scent or an image or a sound or the texture. Stream of consciousness journaling is great at getting to the why's because our conscious mind doesn't (usually) get in tge way. It alllows our subconscious tomake whatever random connections it wants for usto sirt through later.

I understand wanting to do whatyour BS wants, but ultimately this is about YOUR healing as well as your BS, so do what works for you and it will ultimately benefit both of you.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyway your coworker still has the messages on her phone and she can copy and send them to u?? Make uop whatever reason u have to.

My WS did something similar recently. Let's just say, the little bit of trust he was starting to build has blown up.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyway your coworker still has the messages on her phone and she can copy and send them to u??

I don't think that Teach8 is going to be comforted by this. If I put myself in her shoes I think I would immediately be like, "How do I know this was it? Oh, and now I look like the basket case wife hounding my husband for these things, even if he didn't come directly out and say it."

No, the only path to healing here is by immediate corrective action on REACTIVE behaviors, and you kinda gotta wait for life to serve up the circumstances. I think that's why this is especially hard for you, scream. You would do much better if you had time to prepare for when these things hit because then you could more easily shut down the conflict avoider in you.

This isn't just about putting her feelings first... although that's a great idea. The problem is that you have some deeply embedded formula in you that says that avoiding hurting her feelings (ie deleting, lying, hiding things) is the "best" way to fix things. Cognitively you know that's not true, and now you need to force yourself to adapt to a new way of reacting.

You can worry about the big picture while working and the minutia... don't stuff your feelings. Just remember that hers are valid and raw as you take small steps forward.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:50 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks J. Your right I don't look far enough ahead to ready myself for what may come. Have done a lot of writing the last couple days. One thing I think I know for sire is. I have been so busy trying to save my marriage I haven't really worked on fixing it first. Time to get fixing.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scream & Teach8)))

Remember to breathe.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8

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