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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why we choose reconcile
Toffie
♀ New Member
Member # 44463
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had thought why do we consider r and not d when this has happened logically to me it should be d but here I am in r.
Can anyone help me understand why we choose either one?


BW 37
WH 39
Married 12yrs
3 children under 10

DD 18/01/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Australia
artec
♂ New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think D always seems to be the logical decision, I certainly always believed that before I was a victim of an affair. I also said I would never bother to work through a second such betrayal. Here I am twice bitten and taking a chance at 3rd time lucky.

Why I chose R after round 1:
Probably much to do with who I am, my daughter who was 1 at the time, the fact that I really loved my wife and through it all I wanted to protect her and her happiness - yes even though she had not done the same, not logical at all. Then again is love logical...

Why I chose R after round 2:
Much the same as round 1, albeit at first I was certain I would be running for the hills, the added confusion of round 2 made R seem impossible. This time around I had 2 daughters to consider. Not saying that because I had children I had to suffer with R, but if R was at all possible it would be the better option for my children. Most importantly I loved my wife.

Choosing R is very daunting, especially having been through the process before and knowing how difficult it is/was.

I don't think R is always possible, but depending on the circumstance and the parties involved it can be. Each situation is different and our personalities differ. I am an exceedingly logical person, so I look at the situation from all angles. As such D was not an easy option for me, R was possibly the easier option. Simply put, there is no easy way out after an affair no matter what you choose. I just wish prospective WS's would think of this before stepping over the line...

That said, being exceedingly logical I know that if I have been bitten twice, there is a good chance I will be bitten again. I just pray that will not be the case because it takes years off my life.


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every case differs. There may be strong situational and financial reasons for R; children are a big factor.But the main reasons for R is the belief-IF you have it, that you can repair in a meaningful way some thing that is important to you, the marriage, the relationship; "incredibly", I still loved her. Maybe we could make it.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Jan 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very early, probably more in the 'working on it' camp than in R, but, I'm currently not choosing D for a few reasons:
1) I would feel like I gave up too easy- I believe in M, and I stand by my vows. I can't just walk away without making absolutely sure D is the answer.
2) little kids. One is still counted in months, not years. The other is 3. I don't want to do this alone if doing it together can work.
3) My WH hurt himself also, and he never wants to go back there both for me- to save me the pain, and for him- to save himself the disgrace.
4) because starting over with someone new is no guarantee they won't be just as broken as WH was. If he is doing the work that he appears to be doing, he is probably the safest partner for me.
5) He is he person I chose in the first place (although he had some demons I wasn't aware of)- both because I was madly in love with him, and because we want the same things in life. We are highly compatible in our attitudes on child raising, religion, finances, education, and family life. If we can push through this, I think we can get back to that.

I know people will R after D, but to me, D is it. If we D, it's just about the kids from there on out. Trying R, D is always an option until I'm ready to take it off the table.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 468 | Registered: May 2014
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't speak for everyone, but for me R was my first instinct, not divorce. Why would I want to give up what had been a long, loving, and satisfying marriage just because my H was suffering from temporary insanity? I of course had to determine whether it was really temporary or not, and whether I could live with the after taste of betrayal and it took a while to determine both, but I loved my H and wanted to remain married to him. Simple as that.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1782 | Registered: Oct 2007
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should also add that I was not one of those who always said I would instantly divorce if I found my H was cheating. After being happily married for a number of years I figured if it happened I would be able to forgive. That turned out to be harder than I thought though.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1782 | Registered: Oct 2007
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each of us decides to R or D based on our own set of circumstances.

For me, I wanted to attempt R, although I had always said NO WAY, YOU CHEAT I'M DONE. He was convinced there would be no way I could give him a second chance because of that, however I chose to attempt R for the reasons below.

1. Fear - Fear of being a single mom, and standing on my own (which had more to do with my codependent nature than the real world).

2. Financial - My H was out of work, and had I chose D right then, he could have opted to not go back to work, or to change careers and I would be responsible for paying him SS.

3. Love - this was my one and only. I loved him, and no matter how broken he was, I knew he was capable of loving me, and was capable of fixing whatever had gone so wrong in him.

Those were the main three, of course providing a "normal" home for my kids, and change in lifestyle would have been on the list too.

After several broken NC's, and lack of complete effort on his part though, I was no longer concerned with the financial aspect, it would work itself out, I was no longer afraid, and was done being a doormat. I decided I Loved myself enough to demand the respect and honor I deserved, if he couldn't do it, then I didn't need him.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my third times the charm at forgiving and trying to R with a man I'm not even married to. I am financially independent (although my lifestyle would be far lower than it is now) and we have no children together. We've been together for almost 30 years and living together for 17 or 18 of that. The first two times we lived in my house, not his, and I could have asked him to leave and not missed a beat. Why do I still want to be here? The first two times I rug swept and we never even talked about it. This time we have work to do, and the fact that he's doing the work gives me hope. I don't even count the first two times, because we didn't even deal with it. So let's just call it one really looooong A that we are dealing with now.

I think there are as many reasons affairs happen as there are people involved in them and each person has to look at their own situation and decide if they are better off with them or without them. I'm pretty close to calling it, but he asked for another chance to work at it, and I gave it, as long as the work was being done. Our relationship right now is better than it was pre-A, if that holds, at our ages, we're good to go.

What I thought was...what kind of man is he and are we happy otherwise? The answer at the time was NO, we are neither one happy. If I leave... I decide to either live alone the rest of my life, or try again with another man who may or may not have the same issue or issues just as bad. OR, I can work on this relationship to see if we can be better and both get what we need as we move into our golden years. I choose to work at it, and so far he is working very hard and seems to be a bit more introspective about what he was looking for. Counseling helps and complete transparency helps too.

Each person has to decide what is best for them, some of the people here have a WS that seems to be unrepentant. If my WSO indicated for a nano-second that he preferred the OW, I'd be gone. My line in the sand is that I won't stay where I'm not wanted. If I'm wanted, and doing my best for the relationship... then the rest is up to him. In this case, he was looking for the ego boost...but it wasn't worth losing what we had. I have hope.


Me BSO 61
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many reasons. But, I feel those reasons need to be active. I have been in limbo, just waiting to feel better for 2 years, and I just can't do that.
I've watched him do a little work, but most of his is very private and internal. This has been hard.
I feel in my gut he wants to be a good person and this is what I go on.

I don't need the money nor fear being poor.
Our kids are grown.
I do fear being alone but I don't think I would be for long. however, I don't think another person would be the answer. They would have baggage and issues as well. Plus, my own kids are a priority of my husband's. Another man wouldn't have them as a priority.

My husband said something striking to me the other day. I said I didn't sign up for this. He said you're already signed up unless you resign your position. I guess that's true.

If we're here, we have to actively choose it. I haven't been in the past.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5032 | Registered: Dec 2010
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really good question. I don't think I had a clean answer. Before D-day I always believed cheat once and you are gone. On D-day for about 20 hours I thought my wife was leaving me for the other man. Once I realized that wasn't really the case, I didn't even consider divorce. I gave my wife the rules to try and reconcile but divorce was never really on the table. I love my wife, and I want to have a life long relationship with her. That's really the only why I can articulate.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really good question. I don't think I had a clean answer. Before D-day I always believed cheat once and you are gone. On D-day for about 20 hours I thought my wife was leaving me for the other man. Once I realized that wasn't really the case, I didn't even consider divorce. I gave my wife the rules to try and reconcile but divorce was never really on the table. I love my wife, and I want to have a life long relationship with her. That's really the only why I can articulate.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
MissedRedFlags
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thought after dday was that I was going to have to lose my kids 50% of the time---split holidays and such. Couldn't face that. My state is no fault.

I'd always thought & told WH (even discussed it during his A) that I'd leave if he cheated. WH always replied that he thought I'd forgive. Ugh.

I'm staying right now for the kids.
I'm staying because I'm afraid of change.
I'm staying because I've been with him for 20 years --half my life. It's what I know.

I do struggle with feeling like a loser for staying.
I am not proud of myself. In fact, I am ashamed of myself for staying. Staying is easier than standing up for myself & saying "no, I won't accept this. I deserve better."

Who knows? Maybe someday, I'll grow a backbone.


Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 125 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was:
DD1: I had a 4 month old and was living in a foreign country. His country. I didn't even know if I'd be able to leave the county with my daughter without him agreeing. No money. Quit my residency to move there.

DD2: a 3 and 5yo, believing he couldn't possibly he could really be in love with her like he thought he was. I felt like I was more mature than him and I knew he was making a mistake he'd regret.

Throughout the 5 years of TT following DD2, still not sure. I think I may need IC for this one.

But on this site someone had a thread like this a while ago and a lot of people said it was the kids.

In the end both options are so painful and draining. Once we find ourselves here, it's such a long and draining road.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
formerprincess
♀ New Member
Member # 44572
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a good question...thank you for posting it. For me, I think that I considered D from my WH for about 20 minutes after DDay (which will be 2 months ago tomorrow)...then I realized that this man, although flawed, was the love of my life and the person I want to grow old with...plus we have built this life together and I could not see my life without him in it. It will definitely not be easy, but I hope that we can work together to make our M stronger & better...


Me BS 49
Him WH 50
Married 30 years
DS 28, DS 23
Friends then PA 3/9/14-5/3/14 Met 3 times
He ended PA 5/18/14 (OW wanted to stay friends)
DDay 6/20/14 (found text from her)
He initiated NC 6/25/14 (ended it all!)
Feeling hopeful/Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2014
ShellShockedSid
♀ Member
Member # 29068
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may come across a cynical and even bitter but I don't really mean it that way.

When deciding to R, I considered that I didn't want to give up the life that I had built. I like my house. I like my neighborhood. I couldn't afford either without H's income. I don't want to "share custody" of my dogs. I like my car. I want other nice cars in the future. I love my job, but it doesn't pay what his does. I don't want to have to get a better paying job, probably in a city than I like less than this one. I love that I have time to volunteer for causes that mean a lot to me. I like that I can take classes whenever I want. I like my life as is, and don't want to lose it. God knows the A took plenty from me--my innocence, my ability to trust, etc. I'll be be damned If I am going to willingly give up Anything else because of his bad choices. Those were reasons to R for me. Probably not good reasons, but they were my reasons.

I remembered an old saying-- not exactly sure how it goes, but something about dealing with the devil you know, vs. the devil you don't know. I picked the devil I knew.

I know that sounds pretty shallow. And, I might have been pretty selfish in the beginning. While I may have stayed for the wrong reasons, I am glad that I did. My h has changed so much, and we have developed good communication, and I really am happy now. I am glad I choose R.


BW: 46, me
FWH: 48
DDay: 1/22/2010
Reconciling.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Texas
Toffie
♀ New Member
Member # 44463
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so most of the answers are similiar to my thoughts, was worried R had to be based on pure love only but I love my horses and atm that's my sanity when I'm with them I smile I have no problems and the a isn't even in my thoughts, if I D I can't afford to keep them and I would hate to imagine could I survive without them plus I do love the person my wh is becoming


BW 37
WH 39
Married 12yrs
3 children under 10

DD 18/01/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Australia
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always said that there wouldn't be a second chance. 12 years ago when I suspected an A (there wasn't one) I was fully prepared to D without any drama or questions.

Before dday, if you were to look at the ledgers and balances of "wrongs" in our M, I probably owned more of the balance. I was, at times, self-absorbed, detached, and obsessive about non-M things. My wife wasn't perfect, and had her share of issues (some of which culminated in the A). But if there was a "bad guy" before the affair, it was me.

I don't blame the A in any way on that imbalance in the "wrongs ledger." The choices that devastated us belong solely to WW. Perhaps the "ledger" led to some betrayals of intimacy or other disrespectful things during the affair and at dday, but not the affair itself.

After the fallout from dday, and the early weeks (in which things went very bad) WW has been close to a model of remorse. Given that, and the fact that I hadn't been a model husband, I chose to R, even though I had said I wouldn't. So far, I am very pleased with that choice.

The ledgers have reversed. I am very optimistic (given all our hard work) that there won't be a second dday. If there is, there won't be a third chance.

[This message edited by Didact at 3:04 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 17

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