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User Topic: What was the biggest clue you got
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And didn't recognize?

Am I the most clueless person here?

My WH insisted on getting Cialis even though it was like $10.00 a pill. (I think that's right) We didn't really need it but he wanted to "last longer" He then got a refill for a "friend" The friend couldn't get his own because he didn't want his wife to know. The friend wanted to surprise his wife so I wasn't supposed to mention it.

We used a couple of them of them but I never questioned how many were left.

I look back and it is so obvious.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no clues.

The one clue I guess I did have was all the long phone calls to this one number on his cell phone. However, he told me it was his BFF's number and I never questioned it. Why would I?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The farther away I get from my horror show the more stuff I remember. My first clue was when he butt-dialed me from a woman's bedroom. Yah! I believed the gaslight that spewed forth from his lying ass! I actually told him I didn't believe him but since I didn't have proof I was just going to file it away and see how things panned out.

Then a year later I found a movie ticket stub in his car. Must have been one of the kids. Then there was the condom I found in the master bedroom hamper. He blamed his 17 yo son. His son went apeshit denying it. In hindsight the condom was at the bottom of the laundry chute that originated in the master bathroom. Why oh why would his son put clothes down that chute? He never had before. God, I was stupid.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6110 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't miss any clues. I simply denied that they were indeed clues.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 746 | Registered: Apr 2013
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The constant texting and phone calls and then the disappearing withoput explainations. I look back and it was so obvious but then I would have trusted her with my life and would have never thought she was capable of doing such. But know I know better and I made it clear that it will never happpen again. The times of having male friends is over.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cell bill didn't lie either time with either OM. The most recent one was a no brainer as she pulled a houdini act and left me at home with the kids for 2 1/2 days, then one over night, then regular houdini acts for the next three weeks lying about going to work but her shop was closed when the kids and I drove by. And she's still lying, but moving out.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
MissedRedFlags
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would be the different things he did during sex. I actually asked about the new moves & said he'd seen it in a porn.

But really, the time I knew but didn't let myself believe was when he said he was going out with friends but didn't come home until way after the bars close. I was up worried about him & he told me he'd fallen asleep on someone's couch.


Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking behind him to see if I was there when he was texting. Immediately put a keylogger on the computer.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5055 | Registered: Dec 2010
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only clue I had was his behavior and I noticed.

The only thing that seemed blatant in hindsight and I didn't immediately flip over was him talking about his married COW before I realized his fascination with her.

He mentioned that she got upset when people asked her about having kids.

I said, you know that's because she wants them.

He said, no I think it's because she doesn't want them and is tired of people asking about it.

I said, no it's because she wants them. Women who have decided not to have kids know they are going to hear about it.

He refused to believe it was true. Now I know that's because her having kids didn't fit into his fantasy of her.

She got pregnant less than a year later. Had her second child last year. Yeah, it was because she was annoyed. Sure dude. Rock that fantasyland.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncontrollable anger. He had always had anger issues, but this was down right nastiness in a way he had never been before. I did not know that was a red flag.

Months before I had to use his computer to post an add on craigslist. I noticed the man seeking female section had been opened and looked through. I confronted and the lie about a friend telling him about a funny add just rolled off his tongue. I believed him. I had no clue my husband could lie like that.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And didn't recognize?

Am I the most clueless person here?

My WH insisted on getting Cialis even though it was like $10.00 a pill. (I think that's right) We didn't really need it but he wanted to "last longer" He then got a refill for a "friend" The friend couldn't get his own because he didn't want his wife to know. The friend wanted to surprise his wife so I wasn't supposed to mention it.

We used a couple of them of them but I never questioned how many were left.

I look back and it is so obvious.

A million tears:

As they say: Hindsight is always 20/20.

You weren't clueless. You were an honest loyal trusting wife, who trusted your husband. The reasons he gave you were all plausible.

The fact that you did not focus on the possible implausibility of his reasons shows you are a good wife, who was not looking to create things to argue about.

In retrospect, there were so many clues to my husbands affair.

In retrospect they are obvious.

Still in the moment they were plausible because I trusted my husband to treat me and our marriage the way I do.

You were clueless because you were INNOCENT and your mind did not think the way a person in an affairs mind thinks.

Sadly, I will not miss the clues, ever again.

In fact, sadly, now, I am hypervigilant for clues.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1224 | Registered: May 2014
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing a text he sent her "hey beautiful!".
When I conceited him, he said he calls all the guys "brother" or "bro" and all the girls "beautiful". When I asked him why he never called me beautiful, he said because after 12 years, I should know he thinks I'm beautiful.

He would disappear to study on the weekend for 8-12 hours a day....DURING SUMMER VACATION.

I knew. I just wasn't ready to admit it or confront it.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
SMSA925
♀ Member
Member # 43955
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"She" showed up on his FB friends list. I was out of town. So I followed along rather than calling him on it. She started posting from her brothers place in a different state. Then DD said DS drove WH to airport and no one knew where he went. ORBITZ and VISA told me the rest. He stayed for four days, I never bothered to call him. In hind sight I shoulda called and ripped him a new one. I think I was in shock


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no clue. None. Totally blindsided.

I should have noticed that his company cell phone bill was no longer being mailed to our home, but I was so busy at the time with work, school, and my family that it didn't even cross my mind.

There also was a red flag that blew right by me when OW sent a sympathy card to my home when WH father passed away. Her site had sent a group card, but she sent her own. When I asked WH who she was, he said she was a friend who was having many problems with her pregnancy. Naive me didn't even think to ask why in the hell a woman 3,000 miles away would be discussing her pregnancy with my WH.

[This message edited by annb at 12:46 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7569 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was the 15,000 texts per month and the hour plus long phone calls....ALL to the same number. I have said many times that my WH had to tell very FEW lies to get away with his A...just one HUGE one to begin with...who the # was and how it was entered in his phone...under the name of a friend that he used to speak with often.

There was also the discussion that WH and I had one night during the A (pre-PA) about how women are perceived to be more accepting of polygamy (one husband and multiple wives) and sharing their man than men are with sharing their women. Now THAT discussion now makes me want to THROW UP!!!


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest clue was the phone calls to our home from the OW.I thought it was strange but then , he was mentoring her, so I thought they had a lot to talk about. ( I am sure they did)H never deleted the number from caller ID so I could see all the calls every day. About a month of this I started having second thoughts about the calls and I began monitoring and looking for evidence.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 873 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
EmbraceTheChange
♀ Member
Member # 43247
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He started giving our daughter another nickname. We call her Nana Banana, he started talking about Miss Savannah. We never ever call anybody Miss. Yep, I was pleased to learn that this was the COW's way of calling my daughter.

He was also checking his phone a lot, and when challenged, it was always work related. Even in the closet. Still didn't twig.

Please don't think of yourself as clueless.
You didn't think he could and would cheat. Neither did I.


Some days I feel we will make it. And some days I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to start afresh.

BH: me (40)
WH: him (45)
5 kids
Married for 20 years

My husband had an EA (prob PA but doesn't admit it) with a co-worker last year.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grocery store trips took 3 hours. Even for just a couple of items.

"Going to the gym" took 3 hours, and his fitness level only got worse.

Whenever I'd ask why it took so long, he would tell me he ran into Joe/Jim/Bob/Shmoe from high school/college/old employer, and they got to talking, and time just got away from them.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25518 | Registered: Aug 2011
EmbraceTheChange
♀ Member
Member # 43247
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought of this a bit more.

The biggest clue that I missed was that, when the kids were in bed, he didn't come to spend time with me, on one-to-one. It happened on a few occasions. (he would go upstairs to read his book, or check the news on his phone - and text the COW, how convenient!).

He used to read the kids a book for bedtime. Then he started putting Tom & Jerry cartoons instead. A few times my 3 yrs old complained that Dad did not let him finish watching the cartoon. Yep, Dad was busy texting the COW.

He also started to be very cocky, belittling whatever I was doing.

And he started criticizing some of his friends at work, even though he liked them (Cow on the other side did not,hence him agreeing with her).

Makes me really scared to see how detached he was from us, when I thought we were a team.


Some days I feel we will make it. And some days I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to start afresh.

BH: me (40)
WH: him (45)
5 kids
Married for 20 years

My husband had an EA (prob PA but doesn't admit it) with a co-worker last year.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
AmSoDone
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


His phone bill - hundreds of texts and calls to the same number. Only confirmed it was a woman after he had gone. He told me it was a good friend when I asked who it was before he left and showed me his phone with the name and number. He was already covering his tracks then.


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 95
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