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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He thinks I'm doing it to punish him (WS welcome)
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my anger doesnt make him do anything, he uses it as an excuse to

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 525 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we had a really long discussion tonight. his rage seems to be stemming from a safe-hatred, hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness

Do you know what these sound like? These sound like his whys. How he got to a point where he cheated. Maybe they aren't his only whys but they are absolutely a huge factor behind his cheating.

This is why we say they cheat because they are broken and need help. And also why we say it had nothing to do with you, the bs.

His admitting this is a big step in the right direction.

It's like he finally stepped out of the woods and onto the road for healing himself. Now he just has to start walking down that road and not stray off as much as possible.

I think it's great that he's going to post here and go to IC. A therapist needs to help him understand where these feelings came from and what he can do to resolve them. He's got to be willing to do that.

He needs to be open and honest with his therapist. If he can't find a way to work through these issues they will have him acting out (cheating) again.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 2:04 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was a huge moment for him, and it was a huge moment for us for him to finally start to break down those walls and open up. I feel like so much of our time discussing the A - and even before the A, discussing M issues - he is standing behind a wall of some sort. Sometimes it's a garden wall, sometimes it's a Great Wall. But how can we actually talk through and even start to work through issues if he's shielding himself off?

A lot of it stems from FOO issues. A lot. I knew that before we ever got married.

So I think it was a huge breakthrough for him. And if he'd had a it a year ago, that'd be awesome that we can pour the attention he needs, as a couple, into helping him work through it. Unfortunately we're in such a shitstorm right now that I'm in self-preservation mode and dealing with a ton of my own raw emotions over what he's done that I don't really have the energy that he needs to expend on it. He understands that. And it cycles more into the hating himself, he's worthless, he's a bad person, darkness.

I can and will be there to support him through it as long as he is working on it, and him actually opening up and revealing it is a start to trying to even work through it. But I still need him as a partner and helping me, and us as a couple, and him as a person, also work through the A.

So he's going to see his IC more, we're going to find a new MC who is experienced in infidelity. Our new insurance kicks in in a week and a half, so we can start that. I think he needs to be on ADs, so I asked him to lay it all out for his therapist and talk to her about that side.

I think it was a breakthrough, but it also was a big revelation moment for me too. I can't yell/anger/fume him into "getting it" and he's fallen so far down his own darkness of self-hatred that he's going to have to pull himself up before he can start helping me. And that's only if he wants to and does that work. It'd be much more comfortable for him to just stay in that darkness, that's how he's always lived, so time will tell if he starts to work on it. That's why I think reading on SI in the Wayward may help him and why I suggested it. Right now he doesn't know anybody who is a WS, and I think it'd be helpful for him to see others experiences. But I can only offer it up, I can't make him get anything out of it.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 525 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ New Member
Member # 42976
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lark, I just finished reading your post. First ***hugs***

Your WH and mine are eerily similar in a really sad way. You and I pay for the sins of their FOO.

BS 37
WH 40
Together 16yrs married for 11yrs with 2 children
Dday 1 5/5/13
Dday 2 3/27/14
On the road to divorce?

Posts: 28 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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