Update: attempting to reconcile
This thread is not an opportunity to vent. Please be respectful...this is not your OP.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Married 13 years
Trying to reconcile
A week after DDay, a month, a year - it wouldn't have mattered. As a BS, I want to spend my energy on my healing and, in our case, on our R. Even now, 3 years later, I don't want to hear from OW regardless of how heartfelt her apology might be. All it would do is open scars.
Me BS 40
3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1
On the other hand, any victim stuff, justification, minimizing, insincerity, would hurt more than help.
I know your intentions are good, but this is not something I would welcome. There isn't an I'm sorry that will help, and I simply do not want any contact. NC is for everyone.
THIS. If she wants to hear from you she will contact you.
I didn't want OW to take any more of my energy or my life. I would have been highly offended has she tried to apologise to me unless she outed the A and apologised in that first phone call.
There is no apology that wouldn't cause more hurt. Just having to have that contact would cause more hurt.
Even if an apology would be welcomed by some BS's, I dont see you in a place to offer anything near remorse to the OBS yet. And reaching out in order to make yourself feel better seems very selfish and cruel to me.
Autumn22, if thinking constantly and feeling terrible about another person's pain and trying to spare them further anguish by soliciting other BS perspectives does not constitute remorse, I'm really not sure what does.
Then, after all the NC certified letters sent and refused, plus breaches in NC, etc., I no longer want the apology. OW is staying away so that is really all I need now.
An apology might make you feel better for half a minute, but that's it. Honestly, the last thing she wants right now is for you to feel better or have any relief from suffering over what you have done.
Some OBS want an apology. If that's the reason, and your BS agrees, then I think it's fine. But if it is just to relieve your guilt, then there is no good reason to do it. It reestablishes contact with people who should be as far out of your head as possible. It also can look like you are helping your AP, by making their life better. Having compassion for your AP is not a good practice. Showing compassion for your AP is going to hurt your BS.
My own experience: AP#1 was my SIL. I have a apology letter typed up for my BIL. When the rest of the family thinks it will help him, I will give it to him. Giving it now would only be to make me feel better, and him hate me more. For now, he is not ready, so I'll hold on to it. AP#2 was a coworker. I have no thought of talking to her BH ever.
I don't want to add to this woman's pain, but I think about her all the time and I feel so terrible that I harmed this woman by engaging in affair with her husband. I really feel horrible for what I did and I want to apologize, but I don't know how she would feel about hearing from me and the last thing I want to do is add to her pain.
I think that maybe this is a legitimate concern, for you to address, with you and your IC. Of course you are feeling remorse and guilt over your actions. It's totally normal to want to make amends and you should do so in order to work through those feelings and not hold onto them, but can be done without having to contact the other BS. You should remain NC. Write her a letter, get what you want to say out, you might feel better, but then let it go. The best thing for both sets of couples is NC. There will be no absolution for either party. Sometimes we have to accept that we've hurt someone very badly, and can never be forgiven by that person. You can only forgive yourself, and that's truly where your motivation should come, from within.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
It's hard to do the "what if" stuff. But I'll give you my thoughts today.
I have no idea if OBS #2 knows anything. My BW and I decided not to tell anyone. BW felt it was easier for her to heal if fewer people know. That is subject to change at any time she wants it to.
I do not feel like I owe AP#2 or her BH anything. I am sorry that I contributed to her problems, and I am sorry for what I did to him and his family. But I realize that probably means nothing. More than that, my only concern is for my family. To me, that means putting AP and her BH as far away as possible. Spending any time with them doesn't help my BW, so I am not going to spend energy doing it.
What would happen if BH#2 contacted me? That's not a pleasant thought. I think I would try to deflect it, by saying he needs to talk to his own WW. If I could not, I'd tell him the truth. Then I'd prepare to get hit with something. I wouldn't think for a second that he'd give a crap about anything that I was thinking or feeling, or believe an apology coming from me. After all, my actions towards him far outweigh anything I could say now.
There were BS's that replied on the thread that it helped them heal a little to read my post.
Just a suggestion - take it or leave it.
I'm in the "no" camp.
As a BS, I would view an apology from the various OW as them trying to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't think their apology has anything to do with MY feelings/pain at all.
[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:20 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
I don't think that I will be sending her a letter, but if she ever contacts me, I will take the advice given here and apologize then.