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Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Apologizing to OM Wife. BS replies welcome
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking more about this, this is the real reason I would not want an apology from the OW:

An apology says that the A had something to do with you. As a BS, I have worked very hard to accept and understand that my WHs AP could have been anybody. It was not about her or about me - it was about him and his brokenness (for lack of better word). The OP is irrelevant. An apology means the OP believes they are relevant. For me, if I received an apology, I would have to acknowledge that this person has caused me pain. I actually do not want the OW to know that I think about her or that she has contributed to tearing my world apart. I want her to believe she gave it her very best shot but in the end she was a "blip" in our lives - as irrelevant to me as she is to my WH.

I'm not sure everyone would share that feeling, but that is how I feel. I will never acknowledge to OW that she takes up any space in my head, and I would be resentful if she put me in a position of having to acknowledge to her that she ever had the power to cause me pain.

Perhaps my own feelings, and apologies in general, have a lot to do with the nature of the A. The OW in my case was a classic young gold digger with Daddy issues. She pursued him - she knew he was married and that was why she wanted him. She bought candy for our kids, for him to give them. It made her feel powerful to be his secret mistress - that was the point. She can't possibly, possibly comprehend the magnitude of pain she spun - how could she ever begin to offer an apology for it?

I don't want her apology because, bottom line, the A had nothing to do with her. She was the vehicle my WH happened to be driving when he crashed and burned.

Having said all of that, I do think it is a very good indication of the kind of person you truly are, that you feel compassion for the BS and that you want to apologize. I suspect a great number of APs do not ever arrive at that place. Empathy is HUGE for healing, and so I think you have already jumped a giant hurdle on the journey. As a BS, I appreciate you sharing your struggle and making yourself vulnerable to our thoughts. Thank you.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you plainpain--this is very illuminating. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it, and to everyone else here who shared their insights.



Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2014
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your letter and thank you Pizzalover for your suggestion.

Glad I could help!


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow1 apologized to me she knew about me before they started the affair. I feel like she only apologized for herself. Both ow "didn't want to hurt me" or our M, yet particpated in an affair with a married man. The only thing I want from them is true empathy and remorse - and I dont need to hear from them about it.

If the AP doesnt know about the M, thatd be different. But the ow knew about me and my kids and didnt care.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Zugzwang
♂ New Member
Member # 39069
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC means NC. Leave them alone. Why stir the pot? If you make her angry with the apology, you may not like where that anger will take you. The BS may just say, "The nerve of that AP to establish contact and try to alleviate her guilt for causing me pain." in my BW's own words. She agrees with plainpain, you could have been anyone. Honestly, at the point we are in R... I would be angry if my AP contacted my wife to apologize. I am indifferent towards her, but it would make me hate her for throwing the shit back in her face again and for having the nerve to shine the spotlight on herself again.


WH(me) - 38
BW - 38
2 Kids 4 and 2
In R trying to work things out.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What zugwang said!!!! A month ago AP showed up on our doorstep....banging on the door threw red roses and yelled asshole to H ....I slammed the door yelling GET OUT....
At that moment he went from indifference to HATE....I told him though hate what she did NOT her...hate is an emotion....no emotion PLEASE!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 516 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...Mine was a double betrayal. ..My FWH AP was my brothers wife. When I first found out about the A (& before I found SI) I sent her a message saying that I felt the "least" she could do was apologize to me. (MY H had apologized to my brother twice...telling him he wished it'd never happened)...anyway her response to my message was "An apology would be like a joke". She wasn't sorry it happened, so she wasn't about to apologize!

It took a while but I finally got to the point that I don't want an apology from her. It would now be insulting to get one from her...I think for some BS it would feel like a mockery!

I think it is kind that you sincerely think of her & hate the pain you've caused her, but IMHO, I wouldn't do it.

I think that for your own healing, it's good that you are remorseful. Thanks for the post, I like knowing how other BS feel about this as well...


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 216 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also what PlainPain said. I think hers was a good post that also helped express how I feel. She actually said some things that my IC told me about letting OP get in your head, how they didn't have anything to do with the A, etc.

Again, you are to be applauded for the empathy you show.


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 216 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about sending my xAP's BW an apology letter. My BH said no effing way. NC is NC. He said you can write her a letter, read it to me (or not) then trash/burn it.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing journey

As you can see you are getting a lot of different replies from BSs.

Personally, I think an apology, from the OW, also would have helped me heal.

In addition, an admission that she instigated the affair and pushed for sex continually and persistently.

Why.

Because initially, despite emails and texts to the contrary, she insisted on gaslighting her husband by telling him, my husband was the aggressor and pursuer.

My husband, conversely, never blamed her stating only that they were both the pursuers.

The reality is she targeted my husband, and then stalked him and me prior to my husband actually even talking to her.

This information was included in an anonymous letter I receive, apparently she bragged to others about stalking my husband by determining his patterns in town, and then showing up wherever he was. She also stalked me, because she was curious.

Not that my husband wasn't very wrong for taking her bait, but I still want to hear her say she initiated the affair.

But, every BS is different, as you see.

Personally, I would not say anything nasty to the OW, I would just listen to what she said and accept her apology.

But, a lot of BSs may feel differently. So can you handle being insulted by the BS?


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight, thank you. I'm willing to take any insults the BW sends my way. But I think for my husband's sake, I am not going to pursue this. Right now he has asked me not to bring up the infidelity and not try to fix everything at once. Our communication is very superficial these days and he mentioned to the MC last night that he wishes he could have 2 weeks or so living away from me to try to heal himself a little bit. Made me very sad to hear. So I think I need to keep the focus on him and me only.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing journey:

I think your plan sounds good.

IMO, it is best to do what your BH asks of you.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
Zugzwang
♂ New Member
Member # 39069
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the perfect plan. Focus on him.


WH(me) - 38
BW - 38
2 Kids 4 and 2
In R trying to work things out.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013
capilot
♂ New Member
Member # 43561
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless the other man's wife reaches out to you, you should stay far, far away.

My GF cheated on me. One of the things I want above all others is for the other man to be out of our lives for good. I never want to hear from him and I never want him to contact my GF for any reason in any way whatsoever. And I really don't want him contacting me.

If you contact this woman, she will likely interpret it as either you trying to break them up so you can have her husband, or you getting your jollies by rubbing her face in it.

Unless you know for a fact that she wants to hear from you, leave her alone. You've done enough already.


Me: bbf 56
Her: wgf 47
Dday: multiple

Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
capilot
♂ New Member
Member # 43561
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An apology is too little/too late

This is one of the reasons I'm not a big fan of apologies. The time to feel bad about something is before you do it, or at least while you're doing it.

To me, an apology after the fact is just a way of saying "Ha ha, I screwed you over and now there's nothing you can do about it."

[This message edited by capilot at 7:17 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Me: bbf 56
Her: wgf 47
Dday: multiple

Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
payitforward
♀ New Member
Member # 44175
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do Not do that. OW did that to me 2 months after dday
And sent me right back to ground zero. Just let them be. Let them work on their relationship like you are trying to do. I promise best thing you can do is stay away.


BW(me)40's
WH 50's
DDay March 2014
Children 16,14,11
Married 1997

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Arizona
AchillesHealed
♀ Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. Even if she reaches out to you, I would hesitate to respond. Focus on your BH.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
identitylost
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do it unless she reaches out to you. My Ex's OW apologized, but I had been in contact with her to verify some of the things he had told me (well...besides the angry F you emails I sent during the affair). Anyway, she did send me an apology a couple months after the A ended and at the time I accepted and basically told her to fix her shit and grow up so she didn't ruin anyone else's life (she was very young).

Anyway, I was in a cloud for a good year while dealing with everything. Truth is, I don't forgive her...I don't hate her, but really don't think she deserved my 'forgiveness'.

Point is, even if she did/does want an apology now, her emotions may change even a few years out. If she wants to hear from you now, a month from now or 5 years from now that ball is rightfully in her court.

Work on healing your husband and eventually forgiving yourself.


Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2012
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still, I can't imagine wanting contact with her. Ever. Ever! It seems counter-intuitive, perhaps, but your apology would most likely make you feel better and her worse. Making life decisions based on what you wanted to do instead of what was best for another is what brought you here in the first place. Please don't give in to that impulse.

This is the correct answer. I regret my apology, it only enraged her further. Don't do it. You've created an enemy for life and there isn't anything you can do about it. OBS in my case tried to convince BH to leave me and is still subtly messing with my life. You have to turn a blind eye to everything and accept the shitty consequences of your shitty actions. Your remorse is meaningless to her.

What a BS NEEDS is to know that the OP is GONE from their life and is not going to be adding or taking away one single solitary more thing. The best you can do is be ferocious about NC. Do not be emotionally attached to her or her husband or the outcome of her life.

Agree. OM has stolen enough from your BH and by giving him or his family any of you thoughts or emotion is just hurting your reconciliation. I spent too much time crying about OBS in front of BH before he eventually told me how badly it hurt him. I was clueless and insensitive.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2014
AchillesHealed
♀ Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OBS in my case tried to convince BH to leave me and is still subtly messing with my life. You have to turn a blind eye to everything and accept the shitty consequences of your shitty actions.

While I agree the OBS had ever right to tell your husband about your affair, she does not have carte blanche to harass either you or your husband indefinitely. If she is "messing with your life," start documenting her harassment and go to the police.


Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 65
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