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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fortress
RMarred
♂ Member
Member # 44242
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, SI.

I wanted to write a a freeform, stream-of-consciousness question, try to paint a picture if possible, and let you know how I'm feeling these days. I know I've been talking a lot about friends, and how I don't have many, and how I'm truly accepting of the people I talk to here on the forums being the ones I talk to most. I have a few (read: 2 or maybe 3) friends (all male) I have met whom I talk to, mostly via phone or text, but do not see often. Now, this is all old news.

What I wanted to talk about is the feeling I have of wanting to put up "walls", as an added defense. These walls consist of behaviors like keeping yourself at home, keeping yourself near your significant other as much as possible, keeping no one else near you, adapting so you can be able to always be around. It's like transparency made even more extreme, at least in my head... but I'll get to "my head" in a second. I know it's almost always viewed as detrimental when one initially hears of it, because rather than keep people away, keep people so distanced that they can never even come in contact with me, it would be better to solve the internal problem with the person WITHIN the fortress (that'd be my head, and the ways of thinking which need to change.) I know I have an oft-skewed way of thinking. I always have. I'm not proud of it. It's nice when you're a kid. Now that I'm an adult, thinking the way I do, rationalizing the way I do evokes loneliness and isolation, and you have no one to talk to BUT yourself. So now, especially now, I am doing the self-help, digging deep, fixing and discovering and trying to peel back layers of myself and not knowing where the hell I'm going, who I am, or what the end result will be when this is over. I know who I WANT to be; I know HOW I want to be, but I've always known that. My self-isolation, my self withdrawal from the few things I WAS involved in with other friends, my willingly fading away from all the online social scenes and communities I've previously been so prolific and successful in for so many years, my limiting my physical whereabouts to either home or B.S.'s job... this is the status quo for now, and indefinitely, and it makes such sense to me; this is my life. I don't miss the places I was- I've been there. I've done it. I've experienced it, and I can still remember how empty a lot of that felt when I was living it. I was a minor celebrity, a big fish in several small ponds, for a very long time, and it's liberating to feel that part of my life is over. It reminds me of some lyrics from an Eminem song:

This is your moment, and every single minute you spend
Tryna hold on to it because you may never get it again
So while you're in it, try to get as much shit as you can
And when your run is over just admit when it's at its' end

I don't hope for my current existence to change until long, long after it's healed. No premature ending. I don't want my isolation to change until I, and EVERYONE knows I have changed first. I do NOT want to be this person I've been again. I know, I could just go outside and live life and maybe interact with people and hope for the best... or I could just stay alone with no one but my B.S. and have her be the sole person I see day in, day out, and try to fix myself and establish better boundaries for myself. I consider these walls a fail-safe, perimeters while I make more perimeters, an extra self-imposed security. These walls are flashing orange road drums around a dangerous construction zone.

Pardon Our Dust.
Detour.
--->

So, to ask a question- Do you think walls are a good idea, or too much? If you isolated yourself for a long time, remembering what could happen if you don't, remembering what crimes you committed when you weren't, would you find it irrational to continue self-isolating?

[This message edited by RMarred at 12:18 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14

I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Freeform answer:

I spent a good bit of time in that fortress. Didn't talk to anyone. Heck, I walked down the street with my head down, because I didn't want to even look at a woman.

I think I added more interaction when I was able to safely. I know it will never be back to the "everyone's friend or KISA" that I used to be.

To me, it is all about handling the situation and dealing with triggers. There is a group of guys that I coach with. They have weekly "coaches meetings" at a local bar. I used to go, and sometimes I used them as a cover for my A. They still go, and I could go with them and not get into any trouble. But it is a huge trigger for me. Right now, it is not remotely worth it to go. That might change sometime.

I don't quite know how I make those decisions, other than thinking ahead of what is likely to happen. How it will affect me and how that will affect BW and my M.

I want to be happy. That is what is driving me. My motivation is not completely about my BW or kids or M. But I am trying to figure out what makes me happy in relation to how likely it will lead to the downward slope. For example, I do like to socialize. But what I actually get from it is nowhere near as what I lose. So I keep to myself a lot more.

I find that I have a few people that I actually talk to. The surprise is now BW is #1 on the list, when she wasn't always. I am satisfied with those few close friends.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
RMarred
♂ Member
Member # 44242
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response, S.R. (())

Yep... I'm right there in the same stuff as what you're describing. I look down whenever I'm even at a gas station with my B.S. and there's a woman there. It's just instinctive.

Almost as instinctive as wanting to be happy. Which brings me to:

I want to be happy. That is what is driving me. My motivation is not completely about my BW or kids or M. But I am trying to figure out what makes me happy in relation to how likely it will lead to the downward slope.

Poetry, dude. I needed to read that. Thank you for that.

Particularly this:

For example, I do like to socialize. But what I actually get from it is nowhere near as what I lose. So I keep to myself a lot more.

Again, this is where I am now. I feel at times that I'd rather just exist as half of a whole with B.S. and no one else... and it's BECAUSE I'm the cause of this whole situation, and we will just talk about other stuff and do other stuff when we're not talking about this, which is more important. I feel guilty even having the idea to have someone else to talk to, thus I build these walls to keep EVERYONE out, ludicrous as it may seem. But like you said, perhaps it'll change in time. (Meanwhile, I am so glad that I can talk to people here, where it's safer.)

Huh. Safe. I'm supposed to be making myself safer. Everywhere can be equally safe if I do the right things.

I find that I have a few people that I actually talk to. The surprise is now BW is #1 on the list, when she wasn't always. I am satisfied with those few close friends.

My few close friends aren't that close, but they're at least trusted. My best friend is my B.S... Sometimes I feel like she's my only friend, the only one that matters. I can not ask her to make the friendship better. I have to, because it's my fault it's the way it is now.

Anyway, SomethingRemorse, thank you so much for responding. I appreciate it.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14

I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that I can relate to both of you. I feel that I want to isolate myself from the world. But I feel I do it because I'm not ready to be confident to trust myself. I always walk with my head down but I find it dangerous. Have you Ever walked through a door way and there was a woman standing there back facing you and she's in jogging pants and you were looking down? I've gotten really good at bouncing my eyes and keeping my thoughts pure. But I still feel bad that I even saw that.

And like you two my BGF is my best friend. I have 1 really good friend who I never talk to. I've haven't seen him in 6 weeks or so. I've stopped so many things I use to do because women are involved. And I don't want to make my BGF uncomfortable. But I find I do all this because it makes me happy. I really wish that more real life people were down to earth and not with thier head up their asses about women on the street and in your head. I have no real life person that gets it. It's so sad seein so many men doing wrong.

And like you RMarred I know where I want to be and who I want to be. And have set up walls that keep me from the outside world but I'm the beast still in the walls. I need to tame me and fix all of my heads issues.

I feel that cutting porn and masturbating helped get the ball rolling immensely. What steps have you taken to rid yourself of the things that were hurting you and your spouse?


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all in good company. I did this too. It wasn't until after dday when I realized how much I looked at the menu. I think a lot of this comes down to the self betrayal aspect. As a WS I have betrayed not only my wife and children but my own inner soul. And not only do we have to regain the trust from our BS but we have to slowly regain trust in ourselves. Once we realize that we believed our own lies for so long. It is hard to trust in our own thoughts. So the walls go up. My BS and I refer to it as our bubble. The ones inside that bubble are my BS, DC, and myself. I think it took me about 5 months to start to walk with my head held up. And I have become skilled at blurring people out of my vision. Because they don't matter. So keep working. Build your walls. Read "not just friends" it talks a lot about walls and Windows.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 826 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you. If I do keep my head up I tend to tunnel vision myself and it blurs the people around me. I know they are there but I couldn't care to give them the time of day.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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