Good morning, SI.
I wanted to write a a freeform, stream-of-consciousness question, try to paint a picture if possible, and let you know how I'm feeling these days. I know I've been talking a lot about friends, and how I don't have many, and how I'm truly accepting of the people I talk to here on the forums being the ones I talk to most. I have a few (read: 2 or maybe 3) friends (all male) I have met whom I talk to, mostly via phone or text, but do not see often. Now, this is all old news.
What I wanted to talk about is the feeling I have of wanting to put up "walls", as an added defense. These walls consist of behaviors like keeping yourself at home, keeping yourself near your significant other as much as possible, keeping no one else near you, adapting so you can be able to always be around. It's like transparency made even more extreme, at least in my head... but I'll get to "my head" in a second. I know it's almost always viewed as detrimental when one initially hears of it, because rather than keep people away, keep people so distanced that they can never even come in contact with me, it would be better to solve the internal problem with the person WITHIN the fortress (that'd be my head, and the ways of thinking which need to change.) I know I have an oft-skewed way of thinking. I always have. I'm not proud of it. It's nice when you're a kid. Now that I'm an adult, thinking the way I do, rationalizing the way I do evokes loneliness and isolation, and you have no one to talk to BUT yourself. So now, especially now, I am doing the self-help, digging deep, fixing and discovering and trying to peel back layers of myself and not knowing where the hell I'm going, who I am, or what the end result will be when this is over. I know who I WANT to be; I know HOW I want to be, but I've always known that. My self-isolation, my self withdrawal from the few things I WAS involved in with other friends, my willingly fading away from all the online social scenes and communities I've previously been so prolific and successful in for so many years, my limiting my physical whereabouts to either home or B.S.'s job... this is the status quo for now, and indefinitely, and it makes such sense to me; this is my life. I don't miss the places I was- I've been there. I've done it. I've experienced it, and I can still remember how empty a lot of that felt when I was living it. I was a minor celebrity, a big fish in several small ponds, for a very long time, and it's liberating to feel that part of my life is over. It reminds me of some lyrics from an Eminem song:
This is your moment, and every single minute you spend
Tryna hold on to it because you may never get it again
So while you're in it, try to get as much shit as you can
And when your run is over just admit when it's at its' end
I don't hope for my current existence to change until long, long after it's healed. No premature ending. I don't want my isolation to change until I, and EVERYONE knows I have changed first. I do NOT want to be this person I've been again. I know, I could just go outside and live life and maybe interact with people and hope for the best... or I could just stay alone with no one but my B.S. and have her be the sole person I see day in, day out, and try to fix myself and establish better boundaries for myself. I consider these walls a fail-safe, perimeters while I make more perimeters, an extra self-imposed security. These walls are flashing orange road drums around a dangerous construction zone.
Pardon Our Dust.
So, to ask a question- Do you think walls are a good idea, or too much? If you isolated yourself for a long time, remembering what could happen if you don't, remembering what crimes you committed when you weren't, would you find it irrational to continue self-isolating?Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.