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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healing
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

other than a mind shift, what exactly is healing? is it being the best person you can possibly be? Is it being healthy enough to know your self-worth isn't dependent on another's decisions? Is it knowing the tools to use to decompress when we trigger? Wouldn't being healed mean being trigger free?

If it were that simple why does it take so long?


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well let me ask you this, do you feel healed rachel?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel partially healed. Many many things don't bother me anymore.
But really, I don't feel that I had any mind shift about it, except being tired of it and having time go by. It's like, meh, doesn't bother me anymore.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:42 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me that is different than active healing. My IC has challenged me in ways that has caused me to work on my healing in ways that are very active. She challenges my thinking.

I have seen that your or his IC's have done that with you to a degree, but if you don't like it, you tend to dismiss it. Do you feel that you are open to new ways of thinking?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's hard to see that it would work, although I'm open to it. I mean an example would be: "think of it that your husband chose you. Be proud that he is with you." How do I make that mind shift? Is it just a decision even when it goes against your gut feeling?
Another instance, mindfulness. I don't get it, although I'll try it.
I'm up for exploring FOO issues as they contributed to how I live my life and rethinking those issues. But I'm not quite sure what that would be like either.

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:09 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think exploring your FOO issues is really critical to your healing.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG - I wrote to you in MH too.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a secret about all healing that no one really talks about. Ready for it? It's anticlimactic. There's no trumpets, no applause, half the time you don't even know it's happened until well after the fact when you look back and think "wait when did this happen?"

Think of a cut healing. You have a cut on your had, every time you touch something it hurts you can barley hold anything. A few days later you can hold light things for a short time. A little bit later you are using your hand with only slight pain. One day you are working in the yard and you look down and think "when did that cut heal?" Emotional healing is a lot like that.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 488 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

see, Wodnships, that makes me think that time has a big part of this...


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey girl, my FIL left my MIL approx. 23 years ago. I dono't think she sits around thinking of the A anymore (I could be wrong bc she was still talking about it up to a few years ago) but she sure as hell doesn't address any FOO that I can see and she is not only not "healed" she seems to be getting worse with her fears, her level of contentedness and her happiness in general. She is an attractive, fun-loving person with a good heart but she has never looked inward all that much and at almost 70, it shows.

I agree with TG here that looking at your own FOO would be a really positive thing for you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done this. And can do it again. I'm not sure what else will be revealed. Maybe nothing. I'm not sure how to reframe/rethink what happened either. They were both narcissistic assholes who did the best they could. Mom now ok, Dad still kind of a dick. Not sure what else to say... but open to looking at it again.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that time is a big factor. But there IS more to it than just time. It's a conscious choice to say "I don't want to feel this anymore."

I just read an interesting article about forgiveness and acceptance. (I wish I could find it…looked so I could post but can't drum it up.) In it, the article talks about how when we learn of a hurt, we turn inward first. We think: What could I have done? Why didn't I see it? Why was I so trusting? Why didn't I do more? You get the idea. THis way of thinking makes us feel bad about ourselves. We are shaming ourselves and it doesn't feel too good.

So next up, we turn our anger toward whoever hurt us. It's all there fault. I wouldn't be dealing with this if it wasn't for them, etc… It feels better. Not saying that this way of thinking isn't warranted, it is. BUT, it is those of us who get stuck here who never heal. You really do need to turn inward. Triggers, for instance, are really about OUR fears. We need to heal our fears.

The article went on to say how we, as victims, tend to want the other person to see our point of view, to get it, to feel the hurt etc.. We think somehow this will make amends for the extreme hurt we feel. The problem is that it rarely changes the hurt we feel. They go on living and we are still hurt. It might feel better for a bit, but at the end of the day, you're STILL hurt.

It's a choice. And it talked about reframing your thinking about the incident. Trying to find something about the situation that made you grow or learn. I haven't tried this yet. I have done it in small ways, but I may give it a whirl. I don't want to be bitter and angry and STILL talking about the A years down the road.

Hugs, Rachel. I've had a particularly rough week filled with triggers and fears. I blamed my WH, we fought and so began the spiral.

I'm coming to realize that those fears are really MY fears. I have no real reason to still have them, but I hold on to them like a teddy bear. I realized that I was yelling at my WH because, you know, it's so freaking unfair that I have them to begin with, but the reality is, THEY ARE MY FEARS. I could have controlled them. I know how now. When I processed it later, I realized that I wasn't REALLY fearful of what WH was doing, but it was comfortable to go back there, to lash out at him, instead of calming myself.

Don't know if I just went off on a tangent, but that is where my mind is right now. UGH!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokensmile - thanks for your post today.

Hubby is going to city wide business event today and I thought to myself, I'm gonna try to handle this 5% better than I think I can. I'm trying to have a healing identity (Stosny's book). I'm going to do nice things for other people today.
But I still said to him today, "I'll try to handle this, but I will have anxiety."
Whereas he wants me to not say anything and be ok with everything. He's tired of all this.
Where to meet in the middle?

I'm not sure mine is fear. I KNOW he doesn't want to be that person again. I don't blame him for me triggering over this. I blame myself for not accepting that this is my reality and I need more self-compassion to forgive myself for staying, and that means accepting that we live and work here and all that entails. If I don't accept that I will lose my marriage and torture myself to destruction. Or I leave because it's unacceptable. Could I arrive at that place where I can make that decision please God?

Ic tonight. Crying...


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Rachel)))
I hear you!! Loud and clear!! I think I am STUCK....and yes it is totally fear driven.....
I too just bought Stosney's book....I like it...a lot
I think I need to work on forgiving myself for being TOTLLY blindsided...I justified his behavior and got used to the snarkiness....writing it all off to the death of his father....
one thing in Stosney's book that struck me was this sentence ....regarding discovery.....YOU BECOME AWARE IN AN INSTANT THAT YOUR LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME.
I know I 'felt' that way but the use of the word AWARE shed a different light on it.....
Take care and I hope you have a great IC session today


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 516 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think healing is a "one size fits all" and I'm not sure it's ever completely achieved. I think most of us will carry on with a fair amount of FOO baggage, and now some added A baggage on the side, which will again reveal itself when crisis hits. Hopefully though we will manage it because we have gained wisdom and some better coping skills. For the most part I would say healing is reached when the hurt no longer debilitates us. When we find we have happy days more than sad ones. When we can say "In spite of everything, I like my life. I'm so glad I stayed (or left)."

I think we can be healed "enough" that we no longer feel the obsessive need to chase what can't be caught. At some point we have to get out of the rabbit hole and just enjoy what is good in the real world.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1775 | Registered: Oct 2007
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming to realize that those fears are really MY fears. I have no real reason to still have them, but I hold on to them like a teddy bear. I realized that I was yelling at my WH because, you know, it's so freaking unfair that I have them to begin with, but the reality is, THEY ARE MY FEARS. I could have controlled them. I know how now. When I processed it later, I realized that I wasn't REALLY fearful of what WH was doing, but it was comfortable to go back there, to lash out at him, instead of calming myself.

I am with you on this, Brokensmile, and quite frankly, I had enough fears before the A! I did see how strong I am, but I feel like this is taking forever to heal. Sigh.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my fear is directly in the present. I'm past the fact that he had affairs. i'm not past the fact that I've told him what I needed to heal and he either doesn't trust me enough to know what I need to heal or simply doesn't want to do it - likely both.

I am reminded of that most days. I shouldn't even call them triggers. It is reality.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


he either doesn't trust me enough to know what I need to heal or simply doesn't want to do it - likely both.

This….this is where I am as well. Thing is Rachel. If we make the decision to stay KNOWING this about our WS, can we really hold it against them?

This is what my IC has me reflecting on right now. Because I so want to bitch and complain that he won't or can't do these 'things'. But the choice is mine and I stay. I'm making the choice, even not making a choice is a choice.

On the flip side, my IC also points out that EVERYONE will have issues. So I might find someone else to do these things I want from WH, but then there will or could be other things the new guy will fall short of doing. I will likely overlook those things because we don't have the history. OR new guy may end up being worse. KWIM?

So then I think that maybe we just have too much baggage. You know, if I met my WH now and I didn't have all these things that irked me about him, would I be willing to overlook these things he won't do?

I've thought about it. Leaving. Other people seem happy or happier. So why not? I quickly realize though that they have an other half somewhere out there and I bet that other half would have a list of annoying things they do. See, I guess my point I am trying to make is, Am I hypersensitive to his shortcomings because we DO have history and not all of it is so nice?

Eh… so much swirling around in my mind lately...


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ing is Rachel. If we make the decision to stay KNOWING this about our WS, can we really hold it against them?

So true, brokensmile, everything you said!
And my husband is such a good husband in so many ways (hardly any annoying habits) except putting me first in a way I think he should. Although he thinks he is.

I haven't necessarily "decided" to stay, but my watching and waiting and seeing if I can handle this has put me sitting squarely on the fence, a choice itself,,,

And my IC is only saying I'll feel better about all this as time goes by but not telling me how to get from point A to point B.
Sounds like yours pushes you a little more...


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great thread. loved the part about taking responsibility for own (fears) ...emotional well being...so true.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 86
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