Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Soulbroken (45072)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How hard is a new relationship?
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so this might be a really stupid question, but it is something Iíve been thinking about recently.

My relationship with xWW was my first really serious relationship, and I believe she had BPD. For those of you who donít know, the early stage of a relationship with someone who has BPD is filled with idealization and mirroring (which includes lying and manipulation) that makes the relationship seem like it is Ďperfectí for you. At that point, I had little/no baggage and diving into the Ďperfectí relationship was one of the easiest things I had ever done (also turned out to be the dumbest).

Contrast that with now; where I have all sorts of baggage and am trying to get into a real and healthy relationship, and I am having some trouble sorting out what is my gut telling me to run from the relationship vs. what is accepting someone as a real person or what is dealing with my baggage. I have major trust issues (both trusting my instincts and trusting that someone is being honest with me), and add to this that I tend to over think and over analyze everything, and it is making this new relationship pretty difficult (especially in contrast to the early stage with xWW).

So how much of this is normal? Are these just things I need to work through? Or is this a sign that this isnít a good relationship for me? How hard should a new relationship be?

FYI, we have been together 3 months and I havenít seen what I would consider anything more than a yellow flag (but then by the time I saw glaring red flags with xWW I overlooked them as minor yellow flags, too).


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011
doin just fine
♂ Member
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think all those things are normal. At least I hope so, because I'm dealing with it too. For myself, the problem lies in me believing in my heart that people really aren't malicious and vile. What has been helpful to me is being told, repeatedly, by IRL friends that I got a raw deal. That's a quote. Their actions have reinforced this. Even people I didn't think were all that close to me surprised me by the support and concern they have shown.

It's been awesome. And slowly I'm starting to believe it.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Mar 2006
blacknblues
♀ Member
Member # 34910
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when it becomes difficult, i have to remind myself to stay in the heart. we hold most of the answers, but too often the noises drown that voice within us, so we are burdened by the hurt of the past, and the anxiety about the future.

if you SO is an understanding person, she will be part of your healing, and you won't have to fight it. that said, we all come from different backgrounds, and are fundamentally separate individuals, so it takes a lot of communication to reach that understanding between the two of you.

i have a relatively mild version of BPD, and have to work hard to have it under control. although my SO has been supportive, i feel every time we enter a new stage in our relationship, my insecurity will come out and tries to sabotage. i think it is my scared self trying to resist trusting someone again. but then after more work, it does get better.

all i'm saying is, to make any relationship work takes a lot of work. just let your heart guide you. sending peace your way.


Married 4.5 yrs
D-Day: 17 Jan 2012
Separated: 2 Feb 2012
2 False R
Filed for D: 21 May 2012
Divorce final: 15 Nov. 2012
No kids

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a very similar place. My xwSO was BPD, and I dived into the "perfect" relationship with him very easily. He was my "soul mate," and everything was just so easy all the time. Of course, that was until it exploded in my face.

I've gone out with a few guys since I ended things with him, and none of it has been easy. If the guy is too perfect, I question whether it's BPD again. If it's too much attention, it scares me. If it's not enough attention, I want more. I just haven't found that middle ground yet.

I over analyze everything to death, and I can make myself see yellow flags. Then, I can also talk myself out of seeing those yellow flags.

My advice is to listen to your gut feeling. Turn off your brain, and just listen to your gut. Does it feel "right" or "wrong?" I've gotten better at doing this lately. With the last guy, I couldn't really pinpoint why but it just felt "off" to me. Now I've been on two dates with someone, and my gut feeling is quiet. I'll play it out, and see where it goes (if anywhere).

I'm not quite there yet, but I think it's also helpful when you let go of trying to figure out if the new person is "the one" or not. I kept questioning my instinct because I was worried that I would break up with "the one" due to my own baggage. There are so many people out there that you can have healthy relationships with. If it doesn't work with one person, that's fine. There will always be someone else. Relationships are a lot about timing. You have to be in the right place at the same time that the other person is in the right place. I am beginning to accept that I'm okay being alone. Once I started to come to that realization, I started trusting my gut more.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also had a lot of love-bombing at the start of my relationship with my probably NPD exWBF. At the time I thought this was the love that was going to last me forever--um, no. But I did go all in and things seemed in some regards perfect so now it makes it hard to judge. The guy I'm seeing now (for almost three months) is taking things much more slowly and has his own baggage; it's a whole different dynamic. I think that the reasons we are having to feel things out in a much more difficult way (not that there is drama or fighting--just in terms of sorting out what we need, what we are looking for, what we are scared of, if we are after the same thing) is because there isn't a false front. My exWBF presented himself as being all-in so it was easy..but he wasn't all in, he was just presenting the version of him that would make me the most attached. This new guy is not really concerned with trying to manipulate me to react in a certain way--he is too busy reacting authentically. And I think authentic reactions, especially when you both have the fear of being hurt again after investing emotionally, is always a bit trying to navigate. I am constantly asking myself, 'Are my expectations of some fairyland romance that may not be based on reality tripping me up here, or are we actually encountering resistance that will doom us down the line?' Right now for me, it's worth it to keep exploring the question because I don't have a clear answer yet. But having a baseline based on something unhealthy that still felt right at the time is hard.

(((nomoreplease)))

[This message edited by norabird at 2:12 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself, the problem lies in me believing in my heart that people really aren't malicious and vile.
This is part of it, but then even when I convince myself that people arenít all this way Iím still fully aware that anyone has the ability to act this way and that it happens far more often than I had ever imagined.
when it becomes difficult, i have to remind myself to stay in the heart. we hold most of the answers, but too often the noises drown that voice within us, so we are burdened by the hurt of the past, and the anxiety about the future.
I struggle with this, too, because Iíve spent my entire life living in my head and always thinking through and analyzing everythingÖexcept my relationship with xWW where I followed my heart. So based on past experience, using my head has worked out very well for me, but following my heart got me absolutely destroyed so I'm not sure I will ever follow my heart again.
If the guy is too perfect, I question whether it's BPD again. If it's too much attention, it scares me. If it's not enough attention, I want more. I just haven't found that middle ground yet.
This is another big part of it, but I donít think there is a middle ground, for me. Anything good gets compared to the idealization stage, and anything bad gets compared to the bad part of the relationship so no matter what happens I see it as bad even though I know it isnít. I realize I am doing this so I try and analyze what is normal, which leads toÖ
I over analyze everything to death, and I can make myself see yellow flags. Then, I can also talk myself out of seeing those yellow flags.
I get so stuck in this that I canít just enjoy the good that is there.
I kept questioning my instinct because I was worried that I would break up with "the one" due to my own baggage.
Iím not really too worried about this because I never really believed in Ďthe oneí but that doesnít keep me from thinking that I might be running because of my own issues that I will just end up repeating in my next relationship if I donít face them, now.
But I did go all in and things seemed in some regards perfect so now it makes it hard to judge. The guy I'm seeing now (for almost three months) is taking things much more slowly and has his own baggage; it's a whole different dynamic. I think that the reasons we are having to feel things out in a much more difficult way (not that there is drama or fighting--just in terms of sorting out what we need, what we are looking for, what we are scared of, if we are after the same thing) is because there isn't a false front.
The dynamic with current gf is much different than with xWW, and I can see that but canít get myself to feel safe with it. I mean for all I know this new dynamic is just mirroring my new issues and views of relationships. How am I supposed to trust that this is her being authentic?
Right now for me, it's worth it to keep exploring the question because I don't have a clear answer yet. But having a baseline based on something unhealthy that still felt right at the time is hard.
That pretty much nails it, and it just seems like way more work than a relationship should be.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 4:27 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it would help to free yourself from the need to trust her at this point. Afterall, you don't know her that well, given the time constraints on your relationship. Trust shouldn't just pop up when someone tricks us into thinking that we are in love; it should grow and develop after observing behavior and being earned by consistent follow-through. So not trusting in this case doesn't mean it's wrong; it means you don't have enough data to be able to trust fully, and that's healthy and good. It lets you keep your head on straight. As long as the feelings are there and developing, a lack of total trust is far from a dealbreaker.

I also try to accept that things may end badly for totally normal reasons. You can't control where someone else is in life and how things develop. So being willing to accept that risk is crucial as long as it's not a risk that's advertising itself with big flags as above and beyond the usual.

Or maybe there really is an easy third way and we just haven't found it. I don't know. I tend to think that feeling things out and not being totally sold in the discovery period is pretty normal. I remember when good friends of mine (now married) started dating, and how they had some rocky times in the 4-5 month period. It's the being vulnerable that makes it hard and both partners have to conquer that hurdle to different degrees.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the being vulnerable that makes it hard

While I'm nowhere near a new relationship, it struck me that this is something that we as BS people will have to be careful with in the Next Thing.

Did bad stuff happen to us? Surely did. That does not automatically mean that bad stuff will happen to us again next time out. Obviously, we've paid serious coin for the lessons we've learned so we need to be on the lookout for flags of various colors plus boundaries and baggage and all the rest of it (and if we don't, that's sort of on us), but we also need to be fair to people who haven't done us any wrong. That's obviously not going to be easy given our own histories.

Not everybody in this life is going to treat you right. But not everybody is going to do you wrong either, and we shouldn't ever forget that.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 285 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 months is so new, it's normal to not trust, to question. Why would you think you have to trust and that you are messed up for not trusting?

Your commitment is fairly minimal at 3 months, you can get out relatively easily. You shouldn't be 'all in' at this point. Listen to your gut, your questions, while dialing down the fear. Stay involved with your own life apart from this person. Your own hobbies, friends, and work. If this relationship doesn't work then a good part of your life will still be in tact.

This is a perfect time to work with a really great IC.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5834 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 9

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.