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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A kick in the gut
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my STBX, who was up my ass 2 short months ago and couldn't do enough for me (except anything I needed), started pulling back and, because I know the signs by now, I invoked NC. I knew he was seeing someone but he denied it. Told me loved me and was waiting for me and I would see how much he loves me. Well, tonight, my friend from work texted me that he was at a local restaurant with a girl. And sent me a picture. I couldn't see the girl, but he was sitting at the table, gazing at her the way he gazed at me for 17 and a half fucking years. Why did he come back, just to do it again?! How can he just throw me away over and over again?! What did I ever do to him that he feels I deserve this?! I know I shouldn't be, but I am so hurt all over again. I don't even know what to do with this pain. I know that we are headed for divorce and I am the one that wants this, but how can he treat me like this?! We were supposed to take this year and work on ourselves, but he just keeps replacing me! And I know he is a piece if shit, so why do I keep letting myself get hurt by him?! I am having a hard time remembering that I am the prize when he keeps moving on.

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 10:27 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were supposed to take this year and work on ourselves, but he just keeps replacing me! And I know he is a piece if shit, so why do I keep letting myself get hurt by him?!

Because you love who you thought he was. :
sad: Remember when they show you who they are now, believe them.

Get back to the 180 and work it hard. it's for you ! NC except for kids and finances. He has shown you once again what kind of a man he is... His actions just showed you once again that he continues to lie and cheat. Protect your heart from him and know many of us did similar. Also a WS has months or years on us detaching from the marriage, it's new to us.
Many hugs,
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks GMa. I am not sure how to detach. I have not been talking to him, except for the kids (I did send him a text tonight oops!). But am not letting go completely. I think I'm on the right track and then BAM I get sucker punched again! I don't understand how you can someone you love over and over again!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they show you how they have become. Believe them.
They are not worth what they used to be. They are not who you fell in love with.
We have to get over this hurt and see them for who they are now.
I may not be in good place right now but this I can say. They will take as much as they can take from you.....leave you empty and drop you on the road. Then keep on trying to suck you dry.

Turn away.....run away....they are not worth thinking about.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I visualized FT as a big diseased green walking penis. I even drew one, took pic of it and put on my wallpaper on my phone.
Yeah it was kind of hard not to remember what a lying prick he was and where that dick had been in.

Do whatever works to detach. Might want to post a new thread and ask what helped others.
Hugs you will do it for yourself and kids.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry - but it's for the best that you found out about his date. Now your NC will be stronger for you. He is not going to change, but if you stick to a strong NC your expectation will change. FTG and move forward. ((Hopeful74))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know in my head he is not going to change and was probably never the man I gave him credit for. I just wish the rest of me would move on!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will move on - stick to NC - it will gradually get easier.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is my plan persevere!! Thanks for the support!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did break NC today to tell him that he needs to have a talk with DD if he is going to be flaunting his relationships in the county we live in (he lives with his parents 2 counties over), because it would be hurtful to her if she ran into him with his new conquest.

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 8:34 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These 2 articles helped give me Aha moments to understand the kick in the guts you describe

Because You're SO Special
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

Romantic Infidelity
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

I hope they help. I know what a mindfuck it can be but you absolutely have to know that this has nothing to do with you or even the next victim and everything to do with his fuckedupness.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5653 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SBB. I will definately check those articles out!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actions speak louder than words. He's telling you all the right things, but then he's out schmoozing his new conquest. I'm glad your friend sent you that picture.

His words mean nothing, so you need to stop listening to anything that comes out of his mouth. Don't talk to him if you don't have to.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have. I realized what he was doing about a month ago and invoked NC, which he has only been too happy to oblige. I do take comfort in know that his insecurities won't allow him to be alone, while I am actually ok alone. Not too lonely yet. I was just talking to my sister about maybr going out in a group setting with some friends (guys and girls). I don't want a relationship, but just hanging out and meeting new people. Any thoughts on that anyone? I have been in IC for 7 months, and am not looking to move into a relationship to replace my marriage. I have given this a lot of thought and am not trying to get over him dating. But, I would like to mingle.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the supprt everyone! Just wanted to let ya'll know I am having a better day. Still not able to eat much, but that is working in my favor!!
Trying to look at all the positives now. Looking forward to moving forward and being a better me. I really don't want this to define me. And, I know any future with him, it would. I am learning about respect and boundaries and it is ok for me to demand both. And I have formed a new friendship with my neighbor that would not have been possible had this not happened. And I would rather have her as a friend than him as a husband. She is fiercly loyal. So, I guess it is a tradeoff.
I just wanted to share my positive thoughts today. Because, who knows? I will probably need more support and encouragement tomorrow!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That's exactly what you need to be doing ! Making new friends and doing social outings. Trying new things and doing what you love.
What you're doing is rebuilding your life !

Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:31 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I am working on. Thanks GMa! Quick question, when does faking it become making it??


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You fake it till you make it - someday soon you'll realise you're not faking it.

The faking it is to get you out if your house and doing things. Life has a funny way of going on even when you feel like your world has collapsed. It is important to get out there and remind yourself that life does go on.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5653 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did I ever do to him that he feels I deserve this?! I know I shouldn't be, but I am so hurt all over again. 

You don't have to do anything. What you do or have done did not affect this; its all about him and what he wants. Nothing else and no one else means anything.

Listen to Gma about detaching, doing what you need and rebuilding your life. She's right. Hugs.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Topic Posts: 19

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