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User Topic: To tell or not to tell and a sudden realization
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what the answer is going to be here but I need direction on how to approach it.

To make a very long story short.... WS and his best friend were both messing around with the same OW. She was the best friend's EXG. Two years ago, he got married. His BS is unaware that he was,and likely still is, cheating on her. This friend along with a third friend(who I also believe slept with the OW) facilitated and encouraged the affair. Friend #1, WS, and the Hobag had a threesome. I contracted an STD.

I confronted the friend and said that I was going to tell his wife. He begged me not to because his Bs's father had just died by suicide and she wasn't in a good place emotionally. I waited because I didn't want her to be more hurt. I think it's time now but there are some issues. WS still works with these guys. This could bring out huge issues at work. WS has been NC with both guys since a couple days after Dday. MCD pointed ut that these guys are afraid of what I know and once I out them, NC very may stop. WS thinks that friend #1 has already told his wife but I don't think so. I think she would have sought out WS for more answers. My IC thinks I shouldn't be telling anyone right now because my emotional gas tank is too empty. What to do? I don't want WS to lose his job or have it be unbearable because my kids depend on his livelihood. I suspect that the friend has information that would be hurtful to me as well He isn't a nice guy. I am debating emailing him and giving him a deadline to tell her or I will. What do you all think?

On a totally different tangent, I had a dream lastnight that my SIL knew WS was cheating all along. WS told ow2(who is his sisters best friend) about LTA. I woke realizing it was true. Not only does my SIL choose to keep the ow as her friend, she knew her brother was destroying his family.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want to let you know that you have been herd. This is a tough one. Probably why no one has responded.
Poor girls dad killed himself. That is very traumatic. I believe telling the OBS is important. But not sure she needs more trauma in her life right now.
Since you spoke to her husband why not give him a time frame. Either you tell her yourself before this date or I will.
If you are in IC of MC maybe you can ask for professional advise. She does deserve to know who she's married too. But how ????
Anyone have some good sound advice?
Your husband loosing his job is a possible. But it was a risk he was willing to take.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yah you have serious health stuff to worry about here. She has to be told.
I would just send her an anonymous letter, stating that you were exposed to an STD through X person, and that you have proof that her spouse had also been with X.

Who knows maybe he's the one with it, and she already has it, but she deserves the chance to get treated, and be tested.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you spoke to her husband why not give him a time frame. Either you tell her yourself before this date or I will.

I agree. and maybe stipulate that the BW should call you directly to confirm.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any BS has the right to know what is going on behind their backs so they can make their own life choices. However, because of the suicide issue, I would seek the advice of a trained professional.

This is a tough one, my prayers for you all!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 287 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the idea of anonymously letting her know but she may be the type that needs proof. Then what?

How long ago was her father's suicide? If it's only been a few weeks, then I'd say hold off. If it's been 6 months or more, she needs to know and I wouldn't give the cheating husband a heads up. That will only give him time to spin it in his favor and truthfully, outright lie.

Good luck.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Topic Posts: 6

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