I am in a situation now where my bs believes that because I broke the boundaries of our relationship and therefore had ceased to respect his that I no longer deserve my own.
Now, I completely understand and respect that I gave up the the right to ask for trust, to be believed unconditionaly, privacy and just about any life outside of my relationship.
My problem is personal boundaries and the right to stand up for myself and our children. It has been two years since dday and I will admit that I have endured (with no disrespect to the pain of a betrayed spouse) an immense amount of anger. Name calling, belittling, shaming you name it I have accepted it. Unfortunately our children have experienced violence in our home now as well. Yelling, swearing, bs smashing things etc.
I can't allow this to happen anymore yet I am afraid that if I leave now I am failing my children even more by giving up. Again. I want our relationship to work but when I try to stand up for myself and protect our children from hearing this stuff everything becomes about my affair. If I ask to not discuss affair because kids are in the house I am trying to avoid responsibility. If I am assertive and say "I will not communicate with you in this manor, if you continue to speak to me this way I will leave the room" I am running. Sometimes I ask him to back off the discipline because I see him triggering and can sense that he will project anger at them, this becomes that I am a bitch.
I am so lost today. I want space. I need boundaries, I need to set boundaries and advocate for my kids. If I do this am I selfish? Am I putting his needs aside and being narcissistic? What about him and his boundaries? I feel as though he has stood up for himself and our children so I am not inconsiderate to him but, am I just delusional?
"A" I know you will read this. Im sorry if it hurts to see it. I need help.
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6
[This message edited by underrepair at 6:48 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by underrepair at 12:20 AM, August 29th (Friday)]
Sometimes I ask him to back off the discipline
Meaning, of the kids? Does he yell angrily at them too?
I do not like being yelled at and having my opinions belittled, and there was a time when I would just shut up and let it blow over. My therapist says that's a short-term solution which can have long-term consequences, because (pre-A) I built up so much resentment, and ultimately exploded. So now I refuse to go down that path again. Which has resulted in more yelling in our household than before DDay. I can tolerate it, but I'm not sure I would tolerate it being directed at the kids, so that is a tough position you're in, I'm really sorry.
You say it's been two years, but it's just over one year since the end of TT. Building trust takes a long time, and BS has a right to feel angry and hurt, as you've acknowledged. But yelling and throwing things is BS's choice, and that will only end when he chooses to cope with his anger in a healthier way. You can only choose how long you will tolerate it, and how you react to it.
Sorry I don't have a solution for you. It sounds as though you're (at least lately) doing the right thing in your interactions with BS. Do you think with time and compassion from you, he will calm down?
Even without kids in the picture, I doubt reconciliation can really happen in an environment of verbal abuse, particulally given the time periods you're talking about. That said, I really hope that you manage to sort everything out with your H, and that you can both move on and maintain your kid's well being as both of your top priorities
Glad you are posting since this is a major problem that is not going to solve itself as you are finding.
Is your BS on any anti depressants or getting help for his PTSD? They say it a lot here as I know myself, you can't force your BS to heal in a way that's healthy. He needs a lot of help and I'm guessing he is trying to do this all on his own. Which is not working!
It sounds like you are doing the right things to set boundaries that are healthy for both you and the kids. Does your BS want to R or is he just staying for the kids? If he does want to R this dynamic must change.
My BH has anger issues as well and has taken everything out on me. But he never wants to talk about the As unless it's comvenient to throw in my face and blame me for an unrelated issue. I've reached many breaking points and tried to hold it together just like you are. I'm facing a separation soon because I know I will never be able to force a good marriage. He's just been afraid to say he's done or get help that he needs.
You sound very strong and I can see you have a lot of determination to save your marriage. Have you guys read any books together? Anything that has helped both of you heal or is this how it generally is all the time? Although you are very strong I feel worried that you will reach a point that will cause you to break down. You can only fight for so long against a losing battle before you just can't take it.
Please make sure you are still taking very good care of yourself and doing things for yourself that don't involve kids or BS. You need it for your own sanity.
Big hugs Newbelle!!!!