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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boundaries and the wayward spouse.
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this may turn into a rant but I have a topic I would like to address and gather opinions about.
I am a wayward spouse. I am the one who destroyed what could have been...
I have never had strong boundaries. Never a strong, respectful and loving relationship with myself. Never could say "no" very well.
When things got hard in my relationship I couldn't even say no to myself. I had an affair and nothing will ever be the same.

I am in a situation now where my bs believes that because I broke the boundaries of our relationship and therefore had ceased to respect his that I no longer deserve my own.

Now, I completely understand and respect that I gave up the the right to ask for trust, to be believed unconditionaly, privacy and just about any life outside of my relationship.

My problem is personal boundaries and the right to stand up for myself and our children. It has been two years since dday and I will admit that I have endured (with no disrespect to the pain of a betrayed spouse) an immense amount of anger. Name calling, belittling, shaming you name it I have accepted it. Unfortunately our children have experienced violence in our home now as well. Yelling, swearing, bs smashing things etc.

I can't allow this to happen anymore yet I am afraid that if I leave now I am failing my children even more by giving up. Again. I want our relationship to work but when I try to stand up for myself and protect our children from hearing this stuff everything becomes about my affair. If I ask to not discuss affair because kids are in the house I am trying to avoid responsibility. If I am assertive and say "I will not communicate with you in this manor, if you continue to speak to me this way I will leave the room" I am running. Sometimes I ask him to back off the discipline because I see him triggering and can sense that he will project anger at them, this becomes that I am a bitch.

I am so lost today. I want space. I need boundaries, I need to set boundaries and advocate for my kids. If I do this am I selfish? Am I putting his needs aside and being narcissistic? What about him and his boundaries? I feel as though he has stood up for himself and our children so I am not inconsiderate to him but, am I just delusional?

"A" I know you will read this. Im sorry if it hurts to see it. I need help.



"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
underrepair
♀ New Member
Member # 44690
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That behavior is **NOT** appropriate around children. It should stop ASAP or it will cause lasting damage. It is selfish for your spouse not to control himself around the children, in my view. It sounds like your spouse needs to decide whether he wants to reconcile in a productive manner vs. apparently trying to punish you in front of the children. It sounds like retribution more than recovery. I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck.

[This message edited by underrepair at 6:48 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]


I am the BS
10 year LTA, in recovery for 7 yrs
married 27 years
3 kids

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: USA
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize there are so many levels to my relationship and this is a huge rant. I have done many wrongs and in no way want or desire pity. It is also a fact of our life. I want hope. I need it to stay strong. I'm just worried that we are fighting to keep our family together but are just damaging it even more.


"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
RegretfullyMe
♀ Member
Member # 41659
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be commended for both accepting the fallout of your choices and for recognizing (correctly) that your spouses grief has crossed a line that is no longer acceptable.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. Yes. His behaviour is destructive. Wasn't mine though? My behaviour has brought on all sorts of ptsd and depression for my BS. My betrayal and the lying are irreparable and yet here we are. Loving each other and living in this mess. I am truly so remorseful. Not for being caught but for my actions. I am able to look back to my adolescence and the separation of my parents, my lack of guidance. I can see in so many ways the tumble I took as a teen and young woman that brought me to such a place that I wouldn't value my life, my partner, my childrens future, myself. MYSELF!! The most devistating part of this is how at 30 years old I hadn't the respect and honour for myself. Not to say I am not devistated at the pain I have wrapped and served for my spouse to endure. I am. I feel as though I have to pay for my actions. Over and over and over.



"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. Yes. His behaviour is destructive. Wasn't mine though? My behaviour has brought on all sorts of ptsd and depression for my BS. My betrayal and the lying are irreparable and yet here we are. Loving each other and living in this mess. I am truly so remorseful. Not for being caught but for my actions. I am able to look back to my adolescence and the separation of my parents, my lack of guidance. I can see in so many ways the tumble I took as a teen and young woman that brought me to such a place that I wouldn't value my life, my partner, my childrens future, myself. MYSELF!! The most devistating part of this is how at 30 years old I hadn't the respect and honour for myself. Not to say I am not devistated at the pain I have wrapped and served for my spouse to endure. I am. I feel as though I have to pay for my actions. Over and over and over.



"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
underrepair
♀ New Member
Member # 44690
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your behavior was destructive. His return of this favor is not productive. He needs to decide whether he can live with what you have done and try to work on repairing things, or whether he needs to move on. To involve children in this situation -- by having tantrums in front of them, breaking things, yelling Ė is my main objection. That WILL scar them and there is no justification for that. By having an affair, you also greatly jeopardized your kidsí well-being. He is continuing to put them in jeopardy and that needs to stop. Two wrongs donít make a right. If he needs to vent and smash things, he needs to do it when they are not around. The argument about his boundaries should not involve the well-being of your young kids, period.

[This message edited by underrepair at 12:20 AM, August 29th (Friday)]


I am the BS
10 year LTA, in recovery for 7 yrs
married 27 years
3 kids

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: USA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How assertive were you in the M before DDay? Would you say you are standing up for yourself and kids more now?

Sometimes I ask him to back off the discipline

Meaning, of the kids? Does he yell angrily at them too?

I do not like being yelled at and having my opinions belittled, and there was a time when I would just shut up and let it blow over. My therapist says that's a short-term solution which can have long-term consequences, because (pre-A) I built up so much resentment, and ultimately exploded. So now I refuse to go down that path again. Which has resulted in more yelling in our household than before DDay. I can tolerate it, but I'm not sure I would tolerate it being directed at the kids, so that is a tough position you're in, I'm really sorry.

You say it's been two years, but it's just over one year since the end of TT. Building trust takes a long time, and BS has a right to feel angry and hurt, as you've acknowledged. But yelling and throwing things is BS's choice, and that will only end when he chooses to cope with his anger in a healthier way. You can only choose how long you will tolerate it, and how you react to it.

Sorry I don't have a solution for you. It sounds as though you're (at least lately) doing the right thing in your interactions with BS. Do you think with time and compassion from you, he will calm down?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
RemorsefulHubby
♂ New Member
Member # 44655
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this be echoing the other replies you've received, but your children need a hostility free environment, where they can learn how to communicate and form relationships. You are absolutely right in insisting that the A is mentioned around them until they are older. Even more so, your kids should t witness you being called names or being treated poorly; they learning how to behave as adults from what they see now.

Even without kids in the picture, I doubt reconciliation can really happen in an environment of verbal abuse, particulally given the time periods you're talking about. That said, I really hope that you manage to sort everything out with your H, and that you can both move on and maintain your kid's well being as both of your top priorities


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Kettering
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi newbelle

Glad you are posting since this is a major problem that is not going to solve itself as you are finding.

Is your BS on any anti depressants or getting help for his PTSD? They say it a lot here as I know myself, you can't force your BS to heal in a way that's healthy. He needs a lot of help and I'm guessing he is trying to do this all on his own. Which is not working!

It sounds like you are doing the right things to set boundaries that are healthy for both you and the kids. Does your BS want to R or is he just staying for the kids? If he does want to R this dynamic must change.

My BH has anger issues as well and has taken everything out on me. But he never wants to talk about the As unless it's comvenient to throw in my face and blame me for an unrelated issue. I've reached many breaking points and tried to hold it together just like you are. I'm facing a separation soon because I know I will never be able to force a good marriage. He's just been afraid to say he's done or get help that he needs.

You sound very strong and I can see you have a lot of determination to save your marriage. Have you guys read any books together? Anything that has helped both of you heal or is this how it generally is all the time? Although you are very strong I feel worried that you will reach a point that will cause you to break down. You can only fight for so long against a losing battle before you just can't take it.

Please make sure you are still taking very good care of yourself and doing things for yourself that don't involve kids or BS. You need it for your own sanity.

Big hugs Newbelle!!!!


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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