Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: isuck (45366)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just a mistake?
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WBF, DS (he's 12), and I were watching a show on netflix last night. DS knows nothing of the affair, he just knows mommy has been very tired lately and WBF is trying to help me feel better by going with me to the Dr. (counseling). Anyway, a character on the show is having an affair. DS got SOOO mad at the character. Said he was a "jack-apple cause I can't say the other A word", just generally getting this character down the road for cheating on his wife. After it was over I went to the bathroom and came out to hear WBF telling DS "I understand hating what someone else does, but you should never hate a person. Everyone makes mistakes and that's what this guy did. He made a mistake. We shouldn't judge him because we don't know his life or what he is feeling." Well I couldn't let that stand. My response was "Yes you have a point, but this guy didn't just make a mistake. He CHOSE time and time again to lie to his wife and keep secrets from her. He didn't care that it would hurt her. He CHOSE to cheat on her" WBF just looks at me and says "You aren't wrong." Fast forward to when DS is asleep and WBF brings it up. He said he wasn't going to watch the show with us anymore because he doesn't "want to hear it" every time we do. I pointed out that we are 6 episodes in and it's the first time it has come up. "But by all means I wouldn't want to to do anything that makes you uncomfortable" and I left the room. We haven't talked about it again and really haven't said much other than general pleasantries. I'm still so mad. Is that really how he looks at it, I just made a mistake?! A mistake is forgetting to pick up the milk, or even forgetting we have plans Friday night. This wasn't a mistake, it was years of intentional lying and deceit. Just makes me sick


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it took a lot of balls for him to tell your son that AFTER you left the room. What a sneak.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jul 2014
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a sneak.

YUP, he proved that with the affair.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how you continue to delude yourself that your son doesn't know what's going on. He knows. I have 2 boys that age and they don't give a shit about affair stuff on tv. That's baloney adult drama. His passionate reaction is fueled by his anger, pain, and fear.

He may not know exactly what's up, because the denial you both have keeps him in the dark about his own life. If he didn't know for sure when he made his comment, the responses from the two of you sealed the deal. Are you kidding me? HE KNOWS.

And his father takes the opportunity to squash his feelings and chastise him for daring to speak his mind. No effort to show your son compassion, no effort to assure him regarding his insecurities, not by either one of you. His father downplays the pain he causes his family and his mother is too wrapped up in her own pain to recognize the message behind his comment. Translation-you can't trust your parents to guide and protect you.

Of course it's not just a mistake. Why in the world are you arguing with a foggy ws? Why are you even chilling like things are fine with an unremorseful wayward?

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:17 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^Everything BtrayedWife said.

Your son knows what is happening and he is hurting. No boy of that age gives a fig about adultery unless it's ruining his own life. Your BF is not being remorseful or compassionate. He's also not being a good father figure (not sure if your DS is his child). I think you have a lot of work to do with your WBF but much more with your son. He needs help processing his feelings. Please detach from the WBF (I'm not saying leave; detach) and get involved with your DS emotionally. He needs you.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
dragon1128
♂ Member
Member # 44340
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what lesson he was trying to teach your son. The young man was right on the nose with his assessment of the character of a lying cheater. It is absolutely OK to hate liars. It sounds like your boy is developing an accurate moral compass. And good on him for watching his language, too! That's a lot better than I could do at his age. And now.

VERY sneaky of WBF to wait until you left the room to have that conversation with him. That was no accident.


Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Georgia
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must admit I'm really rather shocked that some people are convinced that a 12 year old doesn't know right from wrong well enough to know that a liar and a cheat is not a good person. As for validating his fears he has noticed mommy being out of sorts. He has been told that yes mommy is tired and doesn't feel very well but she is going to the Dr. to get better. He has a counselor he has been seeing monthly for a while that he adores and trusts. He has mentioned nothing to her about any trouble at home. So there is another outlet for him if he isn't comfortable talking to one of us.
Why are you even chilling like things are fine with an unremorseful wayward?
He is maintaning NC and going to counseling. He doesn't read or talk as much as I would like. But does every minute of every day HAVE to be about the affair? How horrible and tedious that would be for everyone, including me. If we are trying to R shouldn't we be spending some time doing a few fun things too? I suppose I could send him to his room every night after supper like a child?


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It occurred to me that I could help alleviate peoples fears for DS if I went into a little more detail on how the early part of the conversation went. It had been established that this character is married, when there is a scene of him holding hands with and kissing a woman that is not his wife. DS says "but I thought he was married to that other woman." We said yes he is. "But he just kissed that one" "Yes he did". There was a pause for a few minutes while he processed. Then he turned around looked at us and said "you mean he's having sex with that girl but he's married to someone else?!" "Yes Honey, he is cheating on his wife with that girl." That's when the jack apple statement occurred. He was absolutely appalled. This was not something subtle that would fly over his head. The show made it clear that this man was cheating. I'm not sure it had occurred to DS before that point that people would have sex with one person while married to another.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "mommy is out of sorts" and "feeling very tired" (???!!! really????!!!) and WBF is helping by going to the doctor with her explanation is a TERRIFYING thing to tell a 12-year-old! I hate to think what he's imagining, and how the TRUTH might help him!

No one is surprised that a twelve-year-old can identify that lying and cheating is bad. The only one with that particular difficulty is WBF! He undermined your son's clear understanding of this.

The content of the show doesn't illuminate anything about the absurdity of your approach.

It was already obvious that WBF doesn't really get it, your child is AWARE that something is very amiss and is being kept in the dark. What is surprising is that you do not see this. Your child is practically screaming at you, "I know what's going on! I need you to tell me I'm still safe!"

And instead, you're "tired" and "going to the doctor" (does he worry you have cancer on top of a cheating BF? Does he worry you're going to die? This is how kids think!) And WBF is lecturing him about the possible justifications for infidelity?

No. It's not surprising your son recognizes a liar and cheater. It's surprising you're not hearing what your son is telling YOU.

Is his IC aware of this? Is s/he party to this? What's the point of IC, if not to gather tools to cope with what's really going on? "Not saying a word about anything wrong at home" is NOT exactly what IC for a child is intended to accomplish.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:27 AM, August 29th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "mommy is out of sorts" and "feeling very tired" (???!!! really????!!!) and WBF is helping by going to the doctor with her explanation is a TERRIFYING thing to tell a 12-year-old! I hate to think what he's imagining, and how the TRUTH might help him!

Absolutely this. He probably thinks you're dying.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1065 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see the word *mistake* used to describe affairs in the media allot. For the most part I can excuse this because I know those using the word in that matter really have no idea what they are talking about.

But when a WS or a counselor uses that word I generally go ballistic.

Mistake? yeh sure. Hitler made a mistake. He was actually a nice guy. and the world should have let him get off with just a *my bad - sorry* because after all killing millions of people and destroying his country was just a mistake.

Our problem is that most people dont get how significant the damage is when someone has a affair. In a sense Im happy for them because they have not been forced to endure this pain. OTOH their ignorance is infuriating.

Your WBF should know better. The fact that he is using this word to describe his actions indicates that he really does not grasp the enormity of what he has done.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is maintaning NC and going to counseling. He doesn't read or talk as much as I would like. But does every minute of every day HAVE to be about the affair? How horrible and tedious that would be for everyone, including me. If we are trying to R shouldn't we be spending some time doing a few fun things too? I suppose I could send him to his room every night after supper like a child?

No, not every minute has to be about the R. But please understand that remorse is not a 'nice to have' for R. It's essential and it's the minimum you need to R. That's the big, red flag here. Minimizing, justifying and then undermining your son's ethics --behind your back, no less-- is not a sign of remorse. When you have an unremorseful partner, the collective experience suggests that hanging out with them doesn't work. Your son said something honest and resonant about infidelity and your WBF jumped in with a very selfish defense of, "Hey, let's not talk about hating people....who are like me."


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was already obvious that WBF doesn't really get it, your child is AWARE that something is very amiss and is being kept in the dark. What is surprising is that you do not see this. Your child is practically screaming at you, "I know what's going on! I need you to tell me I'm still safe!"

I very rarely disagree with what you say, but I disagree with this. Not that the kid may have suspicions, but that his voicing moral outrage is because of those possible suspicions.

A 12 year old is generally going to see things in far simpler terms than an adult with experience in the world; if that 12 year old emotionally identifies with a character he feels has been wronged, he's going to be royally fucking pissed. Black and White, right and wrong - if he has determined that infidelity is wrong, everything that the wayward character does will be tainted and subject to a strongly felt tinge of disgust.

I do think that this WBF addressing the kid like that was way over the fucking line and beyond unacceptable. I also agree that providing him with an alternate truth that doesn't have enough of the whole truth in it is a bad idea and will only contribute to worry and anxiousness. Better to give him enough information - that you and WBF are going to meetings to help your relationship, or something like that, than to give him vague and abstract notions his 12 year old mind can jump on and run away with.

In any case, your WBF did some serious, major damage there. He not only doesn't understand the depth of his own actions, but he's put the seed in your sons mind that sometimes people do bad things for good reasons. Yes, we should have compassion for everyone, but we should also be angry with people when they are hurtful. Your sons response was normal, healthy and rational - having that called into question by an adult he's supposed to trust, that you're involved with, did some massive undermining of all that.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:31 AM, August 29th (Friday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 30th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that the kid may have suspicions, but that his voicing moral outrage is because of those possible suspicions.
I don't think you understood my response. I wasn't referring to the child's moral outrage. My concern is for his sense of emotional safety.

This 12-year-old child feels unsafe. THAT is my concern--that a child is being told his mother is "tired" and "unwell," and that her boyfriend is "helping her" by "going to the doctor" with her.

NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. A mother is worried that her child is getting mixed moral messages from her boyfriend--while she's permitting that child's imagination to run amok with vague descriptions of his mother's nebulous unwellness. I think that is damaging. I think it is dangerous. I think it is wrong. I think it will have far-reaching and long-lasting consequences.

Tremble, you can't control what your boyfriend says or does. You can control what you say and do.

While I do think your son was morally outraged by what he viewed on TV--and think it was pretty crappy that your boyfriend attempted undermine his morals, my concern is with your son's sense of emotional well-being.

Can you imagine how scary tiptoeing around the truth can be to a child? Being told his mother is "very tired" and "out of sorts" and "unwell" is not only skirting the truth pretty broadly, but it is emotionally damaging. To believe your mother is suffering some sort of mystery illness is terrifying to a child!

While I certainly advocate limiting kids' knowledge to what is age-appropriate, I believe your son deserves reassurance that you are NOT suffering from something that might cause him to lose you. That you're not "tired" or "unwell," but rather coping with a significant relationship issue, and that your boyfriend is part of the issue and is working on it with you.

Kids can learn positive things from seeing the adults they love conquer problems together. You are NOT protecting him from emotional harm by permitting his mind to run amok with what-ifs. What if Mom has cancer? What if Mom dies? What if...

I think if you were to ask him what he thinks is going on, you might be very surprised.

He's already in IC. His counselor can help him process new information, if necessary.

But I'd wager everything I have that he will not be traumatized by learning what's truly going on. (Again, it doesn't have to be much more than, "I don't want you to worry that I'm sick. I'm not. I'm not sick, and I'm not dying. I'm experiencing grief. The doctor we're seeing is a counselor, like <insert son's IC's name>. We're going so that we can build a better relationship.")

I would bet EVERYTHING I own that he will not be traumatized, but rather relieved.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.