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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This sucks
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sucks. Found out 1 week ago that he cheated and there's a baby. I found this forum and have been reading for several days and it has already brought me some comfort. I'm also reading After the Affair and have found great relief in learning that I'm not crazy and the thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing are normal.

I'm sitting here thinking of what to type and it's all so big. it's so complicated and overwhelming. I've been journaling my thoughts for the last 5 days or so and it's been interesting to see the changes in my feelings even in that short amount of time.

The gist of my story is we've been married almost 14 years. We have two children, an 11 year old girl and 7 year old boy. He announced 3 weeks ago that he wanted to leave because he was unhappy. I insisted on marriage counseling and he agreed. The night before our first session, he told me about the affair (one night stand with friend of friend) and the baby (6 months old).

I don't know what i want. I think i want him to stay. I think i can forgive him. I'm not angry. The grief was unspeakable. Physical pain like I've never felt before. I spent a couple of days in bed and pulled my shit together and am trying to move forward. We have seen the counselor twice now and I don't think she likes us.

I truly never in a million years imagined he would cheat on me. and if you'd asked me a week ago if I'd stay with a cheater i'd have said no. but suddenly now that i've been faced with it, I don't know. I'm comforted that others have been able to reconcile, again, just because it means i'm not crazy.

We got the paternity test results today and the baby is his. He's known about him the whole time and secretly visited a few times. He was abandoned by his father as an infant and so he will never abandon this child. I don't want him to but it's so much harder to figure out what to do next.

I am embarrassed and can't tell anyone except my mother and 2 sisters. I'm hopeful this forum will help me find my way.

[This message edited by roseyposey at 11:06 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((roseyposey))))))

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please check out the OC (Other/Outside Children) thread in the 'I Can Relate' forum. A lot of spouses are in your situation.

I don't have tons of advice but more people will be in to offer support. Just know that I am thinking of you and wishing good things for you in this painful time.

Big hugs.

-D.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((roseyposey))

So sorry you are here. Keep posting as things and feelings develop & others will be along with advice. Also keep reading.

What does your WH say he wants to happen? Is he remorseful and does he want to try and save the M? Is he on the fence?

You get to take all the time in the world to make any decisions on whether you want to R or not.

If you don't like your counselor, ditch her and get someone else. I spent too many sessions with a MC that liked to talk about herself on my dime.
There are great counselors (and books) out there.

Again, so sorry about your situation. Take care of yourself....best wishes.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Rosey, Glad you found us here at SI. Most of us never thought our WS would cheat on us, but here we all are.
Just want to tell you that you are not crazy, being cheated on is one of the worst things that can happen to us especially when we have always thought we were in a loving secure marriage/relationship. Betrayal is difficult to recover from, the hurt, anger, tears, pain, sadness, and all the other emotions can be devastating because that security we thought we had is gone with the TRUST.
I am sorry that there is another child involved, one outside of the marriage, that is difficult to deal with. This little baby will be in your lives for a very long time, and will have a financial impact on your family as well as an emotional one, your children now have a half sibling.
Has your WH shown any remorse, is the OC the reason he was leaving your M? How long has he been living two separate lives for? Sorry about all the questions just wanted to get an idea of where his thoughts are heading.
It is still very early to try and absorb everything that you have just discovered and your head is probably still in a real spin. Dont try and think too far ahead. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions will be going on a roller coaster ride on a day to day basis.
Take care of yourself, make sure you eat, drink and sleep as best as you can.
Sending you lots of hugs.



Posts: 208 | Registered: Apr 2014
WillThrive
♀ Member
Member # 44408
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, Amanda. None if us would have chosen to be here, but there are plenty of us. You are not alone, you will not be judged, just welcomed and offered wisdom from others who have been exactly where you are.


BW
DDay 3-17-2012 EA
DDay2 3-30-2012 PA for 10 months
Married 20+ years
Finally NC 8-2012
TT continues tentative R

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: East Coast
trying22
♀ Member
Member # 44592
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to here this. To hear about an affair is one thing but to have to wrap you head around a child invovled. Thats something that is going to follow the two of you the rest of your lives. You said he was thinking about leaving.. did he say why? was it the guilt?
My heart goes out to you.. when my husband admitted to a several month affair, I asked him if he used protection. He told me 'no'. That just made the wound even deeper because he could have given me a lifelong disease or gotten her pregnant. You are living that nightmare :(
(((Hugs)))


Me-33 BS Him-32WS
Married 5 years
Office affair lasting 9 months in 2012
When he told me Feb 2014

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2014
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for the replies. It really is one day at a time right now. My feelings change from one day to the next. I'm a wordy person so I tried to keep my post short. I appreciate the questions.

He is remorseful. He has borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder. Since the affair, both have been much worse. He says it was the guilt. I believe he regrets what he did and has suffered immensely for the last year and a half. His identity as a father and a husband is extremely important to him so this betrayal has devastated him.

We talked yesterday about the actual event. The details aren't that interesting. It was an impulsive, spur of the moment decision made when he was alone with a woman he knows casually. He used protection but the condom broke. I'm glad we talked about it because the story i had invented in my head was worse than what actually happened.

BPD is a complicated diagnosis and I didn't do a good job of educating myself at the start about what it means to me and our family. He has been in individual therapy for many years. I took on a caretaker role instead of a peer support and our marriage has suffered. I have compartmentalized my feelings towards him as a husband for a long time and it's been hard to feel those feelings again.

He said he still wants to leave but is willing to do a few counseling sessions to see if he can see a future together. That adds another layer of complication to this because I feel like i'm trying to deal with my own feelings (which I haven't in a long time) while holding his shirt sleeve. I asked him if he still loves me and he said yes. I asked if he could wave a wand and fix everything and be happy with me would he want that and he said yes.

Right now we agreed to just do the best we can and see what happens. He said after the next session, we'll decide whether to keep talking about reconciling or whether to start planning for divorce. It's actually been a really really nice week and I'm reminded why i married him in the first place.

He's doing all the things a remorseful cheater does. He's answering all my questions, letting me talk as much as I want to, been purposeful about the household chores he responsible for (which is normally a nagging battle). Part of his BPD is that he is distrustful of the "good days" in his life, so he can enjoy the good days but he may not be able to accept them as a reality that will continue.

I"m going to visit my mom and sister this weekend with the kids. It's a trip we've had planned for a long time and I think a few days away will help clear my head.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked yesterday about the actual event. The details aren't that interesting. It was an impulsive, spur of the moment decision made when he was alone with a woman he knows casually. He used protection but the condom broke. I'm glad we talked about it because the story i had invented in my head was worse than what actually happened.

I think there is a very good chance that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Especially since he is saying he wants to leave.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this must be painful for you but why are you holding on so tightly? Don't you want someone who wants to be with you? I'll come back to this.

I believe he is using this new baby as an excuse to be with this woman. He doesn't have to be with her to be a father to the child. And if abandoning a child was his real concern he wouldn't be walking right out of the lives of your two children. I think he's saying it's because of the baby because that's the excuse that will garner the most empathy from you. I think he's using that baby as an excuse to justify bailing on your family for this woman.

Back to you though. How soon can you start individual therapy for yourself? It's always telling when someone describes a painful and difficult marriage then declares a desperate need to keep it.

It's like this stinks, this stinks, and this stinks bad but I can't imagine not having this suffering in my life.

Don't get down on yourself about it but please get in for some counseling.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've asked myself the question about why i would want him to stay when it's been so hard for the last 1.5-2 years. I think it would be naive to say it's not partially because I don't want to be alone.

He doesn't see this action as leaving our kids. In our state, custody starts with 50/50 and moves one way or the other from there based on facts presented by each parent. He hasn't done anything that would give me cause to change it, even if I wanted to. He clings to "two happy homes are better than one unhappy one".

I love a lot of things about him and I've been able to excuse the things I don't like for a long time because of the BPD.

I believe I've been given the whole story because he wants to leave. he knows if he tells me that there's more or that it was more than a 1 night stand, i'd be more likely to boot him.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry for you pain and the hurt he has caused you.

He had a ONS resulting in a child. However, he has visited the child (and the mother) on several occasions. Clearly he has stayed in touch with the baby momma. This seems to be more than a ONS issue. They have a relationship, on what level? Who knows. Is he telling you he wants to leave because he wants to be with her and the child? If he says "no" can you believe him? What about you and your children. Doesn't he see his actions towards you and yours as abandonment? Is the new child his first priority? These are questions you need answers to. Don't let him avoid giving you those answers.

This is early days. You don't have to decide now what to do. However realize that you have a voice, you can decide your future, it isn't all in his hands. Yes, he can choose to leave, and you won't be able to do anything about his choice. If he decides to stay, you have a choice whether to let him or not. R is a gift.

This all takes time. Awful but there it is. Take care of yourself, eat and drink plenty of fluids. If you don't like your marriage counselor, fire her and get a new one. No use fighting on two fronts.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
I think it would be naive to say it's not partially because I don't want to be alone.

That's being honest with yourself. As long as you can be honest, you won't get in the way of yourself.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posey...he already has his new family lined up.

"the condom broke" is an old standby to explain a pregnancy. More often the WS and AP had sex multiple times without using protection

He knew about the pregnancy and has visited the child. There is a existing relationship.

Don't be afraid to be a single mom.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he still wants to leave but is willing to do a few counseling sessions to see if he can see a future together...

He's doing all the things a remorseful cheater does.

I am sorry, but he is not. A remorseful cheater works to save their marriage and repair the hurt they have caused. They do not tell their spouse they want to leave, and make their spouse work for the relationship.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry, but he is not. A remorseful cheater works to save their marriage and repair the hurt they have caused. They do not tell their spouse they want to leave, and make their spouse work for the relationship.

You are absolutely right and that my dear is why I need this forum right now.

How do I deal with the limbo? I still don't know if I'm willing to reconcile but I don't feel like he should get to make that decision. I think I should get to decide.

I am the primary breadwinner in our house. I make a little less than double what he does. He doesn't think he could afford to move out immediately and he keeps saying that like it's some comfort to me. His wage is a livable wage and I know he could if he wanted, just not in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.

So far we have not had it out. There have been many tearful convos but I'm not angry. I keep waiting for the anger like the other shoe.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
Ghostrider
♂ Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone.


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
Ghostrider
♂ Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this gives you comfort, don't expect him to be remorseful for some time. Do you how hard it will be for him to look at what he has done from a rational viewpoint and acknowledge the insanity of it? The horror? The pain? The narcissism? Took my WW 9 months. And during that time, she went thru stages. Blame shifting. Rugsweeping....tried to get me to D her as she could not do it herself. Typical goofy thinking stuff. Nothing original. All well documented on SI.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 7:41 PM, August 29th (Friday)]


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
roseyposey
♀ Member
Member # 44693
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ghost. I feel this sense of urgency because of the limbo he has created. I feel out of control. He is stubborn self-harming personality and i fear if I let him go, he wouldn't try to come back to fix it even if he wanted to and I could let him. I'm trying to be patient with myself and roll with the punches for now. It's only been a week but it feels like forever

This website is so incredible. Its better than any self help book I could possibly find.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Both 30's
Married 14 years, 2 grade school children
D-Day - 8-19-2014
OW#1 - 1.5 year phone/text EA
OW#2 - ONS w/ OC
"It's our choices that make us who we are" -diary of a wimpy kid

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2014
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rosey))

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. However, I think that you really need to examine his actions. He is not engaged with the family.

I feel that he really needs a swift kick in the ass to make him realize what exactly he is losing. You are the breadwinner here. As long as you want him to stay and continue to support him, he will continue to eat cake.

Take control of this situation and what happens in the lives of you and your children.

It's hard. I know. But it will give you a sense of peace to know that you have this control.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and i fear if I let him go, he wouldn't try to come back to fix it even if he wanted to

You've got to stop with this thinking. It's not logical and you are taking too much responsibility for his actions.


You are not the reason he is still there and you aren't the reason he leaves if he does.

If he leaves and wants to come back, he will. You asking him to leave has NOTHING to do with him not coming back, if he doesn't.

This kind of thinking is about you trying to control him and you can't do that. You can control the situation and you can control yourself but you can't control him.

Unremorseful waywards love it when you buy into this line of crap. It allows them to cake eat. You are allowing him to use you right now. You don't have to do anything about it if it's fine with you. But you do have to stop with the baloney thinking you are trying to use to justify it.

You aren't kicking him out because of your fear and your pain. He's only staying because it's free and comfortable. You can't lie to yourself about this.

He is about as opposite as anyone can be from a remorseful wayward. He is textbook everything.

You need to understand that by not kicking him out, you are delaying any chance he will actually commit to R. Why should he do it now? Doesn't matter if it's the right thing to do or not, this is a cheater. They want to know what's in it for them.

Also you aren't the only one who gets to decide to R or not. It takes real commitment from both of you or there is no chance it will ever happen. You can't do it alone and right now he's not interested. So he has already decided the fate of your marriage. It's just too much, too soon for you to take in.

The agreement to "try" is bullshit. Anything he does in this mindset is meaningless.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 44
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