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Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on?

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MrRaul posted 10/31/2016 08:36 AM

I believed if she came from a good family, that have strong religious beliefs and morals, she must be the same. WRONG.

I believed if we both got married in church, our marriage would be forever eternal. WRONG.

I believed her when she said we would grow old together no matter what. WRONG.

I believed that if I forgave her the first time, she wouldn't do it again. WRONG.

I believed that she would never, and I would have bet my life then, pick the OM over our children.

Like everyone else here, I thought if I was a loving husband, hard worker, not jealous type, open minded, never controlling type, good dresser, the greatest father, the best son in law, best brother in law...she would never look at another man.

Like everyone here, if I would have paid her more attention, bought her that $1,000 handbag that always wanted for Christmas, if I would have gotten muscles like the Rock (she always said jokingly)...then maybe she would have never cheated.

I also believed that if she cheated again I would get over it in 2 months. I didn't think that I would considered suicide. I didn't think it would hurt this much, especially because I'm a man. Family and friends kept saying that. I didn't think I would be possessed by anxiety, tears, anger, pain...

I would have never thought she would fall in "love" with another man.

I believed happy couples don't cheat.
Now when I see "happy" couples holding hands, playing and joking around...I think a stranger can easily come between them.

I didn't think that by her leaving, my life and the lives of my girls would forever changed. That we would hurt and suffer while she is happy with the other man.

Gman1 posted 10/31/2016 09:32 AM

That A's are a sign of a troubled marriage. My marriage, family life and life in general were nearly perfect.

JpnHeartBreak posted 10/31/2016 11:11 AM

That I would immediately divorce if it happened to me. That was definitely easier said than done, especially when you have shared finances & children to take into consideration.

Wool94 posted 10/31/2016 12:32 PM

Thought my M and WW were above that. Never gave it much thought otherwise. Never realized how many people i know and work with have been through this. Thought we shared the same morals.

jstar845 posted 11/2/2016 12:50 PM

Iím sorry to hear about the infidelity you have experienced by your wife. You didnít deserve this and you were a great husband. Itís not your fault. This is just unfortunate that this sometimes happens to the best of husbands and you are not alone. When, husbands are good to their wives itís questionable, and normal to ask where did I go wrong. However, itís important to realize it may have been other reasons that lead this to happen. I know it takes time for you and your children to heal. I pray for the best for you and your children.

Reece posted 11/3/2016 16:21 PM

I've read this response a couple of times but probably the biggest one for me is that I thought an affair would be a deal breaker. But when it happened I knew deep down I would do everything I could to keep her. And I definitely had to put up with a lot before we reconciled.

Dorothy123 posted 11/15/2016 08:06 AM

This thread could have been titled

"The many many ways that society blames and judges the BS for the WS's A".

So sad and upsetting.

Dorothy123 posted 6/10/2017 19:30 PM

How sickening that so many misconceptions about A's blame the BS!!!!!!!

EmbraceTheChange posted 6/10/2017 19:45 PM

I thought that my x-h would trip over a lie, and be discovered.

Or that his guilt (because I would be feeling extremely guilty) would be so bad that he would admit everything, before our marriage could not recover. Like, that a girl was flirty and that he told her to piss off.

Nope. He was very sleak, it was only because the OW sent him a text the one day I was in the passenger seat, holding his phone, that the A came to light. If I would have been driving, he would have told me it was an ad from a pizza shop.

Onthefence2017 posted 6/11/2017 08:41 AM

I never would have believed my wife could keep so many secrets from me seemlessly.

moralhighground posted 6/11/2017 09:13 AM

I had no idea how much the lying makes you actually crazy. Or how much they will justify lying to "protect your feelings". Or how much proof you have to have before they will admit to something!!

I also had no idea how obsessed I would be with all the lies he told her about ME. It consumed me. How could she think I'd had an affair first? How could she think I was abusive? How could she think I was a bad parent? How could she think HE was the "stable" parent when he'd been gone having an affair and was barely ever home? How could she possibly possibly believe that we'd never really loved each other in 13 years of marriage? That one blows my mind the MOST. Up until our youngest came unexpectedly, we had one of the best marriages I had ever seen. But when she started empathizing about how awful I was and comparing me to her boyfriend he forgot all about anything good that had ever happened.

realitybites posted 6/11/2017 10:11 AM

Well of course all of the above that everyone has said, to think that "I" took the blame for someone else's choice has been the hardest pill to swallow.

I was in the same marriage, I was unhappy many times, I was not having fun, I was working, I wanted someone to pay more attention to me many times as well....how come the WS wants became more important then mine? I did not choose to cheat.

I had to learn what "FOO" meant. Well once I read that I was like "are you kidding me, I have FOO issues all over the place!" I did not choose to cheat on my H to somehow make the marriage better.

I had to hear that my WS had mental issues growing up, he lived in a dysfunctional family. Are you kidding? I had dysfunction all over the place growing up...I did not choose to cheat.

A WS will say they were sexually abused, which is a horrible awful thing, I know, I went thru it....Yet "I" was sexually abused as a child for years, I did not choose to cheat.

That the WS was not getting enough sex. I would lay there and wonder when the sex was going to happen, what happened to our great dating days and the early part of our marriage where it was so nice that you treated me so well? I finally gave up, I was tired. Then was blamed that we did not have enough sex when the WS was out giving it to many others. Yet I got blamed for that one too. What about making ME feel like a woman and well loved and cared for at home and making sure I had a "happy ending" so to speak, instead of you getting your rocks off and rolling over and going to sleep. Why did I take the blame? What happened to all of that? Yet you blamed me for no sex in the marriage.

Spending money $$$ I did not have for therapists to try to somehow wrap my brain around the fact that my WS cheated on me after I had given him 2 wonderful children who grew up to be wonderful men. Nope, not good enough.

My misconception that my WS would hide things in the garage, in hidden compartments of his vehicle, would talk bad about me to people at his work yet come home and all OK with life at home. I just never knew the lengths he would go to hide a secret life.

There is so much....so much I did not know.

[This message edited by realitybites at 10:16 AM, June 11th (Sunday)]

Tentwinkletoes posted 6/11/2017 11:38 AM

I didn't realise you never actually know a person. I thought I knew everything about him, I thought I'd know if something was wrong. I thought how he felt about me and our son protected us from him cheating on me. I thought he felt the same way about me as I do about him. All wrong misconceptions.

I thought if it started guilt from either involved party would cause too much stress to continue it without giving away it was happening turns out some people can be morally corrupt beyond recognition and not feel guilty until discovered. Compartmenatalising really allows you to commit some atrocities.

I thought knowing her and her knowing we had a young son she wouldn't break a female code. Turns out opening her legs was more important than any code or my son.

I never realised how common it is

It happens in good marriages where the people are well suited and happy.

Him telling me didn't mean he was leaving me for her. Given the length of A I assumed it was over for us and I told everyone which has made things more difficult for us.

I'd ever consider staying or trying to forgive an A

Being married and having our son meant something.

WarriorPrincess posted 6/11/2017 12:48 PM

I never realized how little sleep I would need and continue to need to function.

OK, that just made me laugh. I think my average was about 3 hours a night during the height of it.

I never thought much about affairs because (like most everyone else) I figured if my H ever had one, that would be it. I thought I would kick the cheater out of my house and tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass. I think I also assumed that if someone was cheating, it meant they were not getting what they needed at home. If that was the case, though, I believed open and honest communication was the way to solve the problem.

Like most everyone else, I was surprised by the depth and breadth of the pain. I never knew the utter devastation. I never imagined how long it could go on. If I had thought about it, I would have figured out that it would work my previously existing FOO issues, but I never imagined how the A would plunge knives onto all the old scars, rip them open again, and cause even more damage and cut even deeper.

My last relationship before this one ended when my fiance died after a 23-month struggle with lymphoma. I thought that was the worst pain I could ever experience. Who would have ever thought that having someone cheat on you could actually be more horrific than watching someone die?

I never would have dreamed that an EA could be so devastating. In fact, I'm not sure I even knew an EA was a thing. I thought the pain would come from my husband actually fucking someone else. It never occurred to me that the lying and sneaking and complete disregard for my feelings were the real killers.

I never imagined the pure rage that can come from pain, and the violence of the emotions I would feel. I have always had a blazing temper, but I never felt anger like this before. I literally felt torn apart by my fury and my pain. I never thought I would come near to having a breakdown or trying to kill myself.

I never actually looked down on spouses who stayed with a cheater. I just figured they had their reasons. But I never knew how much work would go into R and how painful it can be, even when the WS is doing the best they can. I also never realized how much grace and strength it takes to R, for either party.

stunnedandlost posted 6/11/2017 13:29 PM

I thought if we were happy, he'd never cheat.

I thought if I never refused sex with him, he'd never stray.

I thought a BS who stayed with her WS was stupid.

I thought if he said he loved me, he did, and wouldn't cheat.

I thought I "knew" my WH.

I never knew the depth of the hurt and the utter distain for the AP.

I thought if I was good to him, he'd be good to me.

I thought our family meant the world to him, but found out a whore with her legs spread meant the world to him.

I never thought a seemingly nice man, could turn into a cold monster over night. Like a like switched the day he met AP.

How sick in the head a cheater really is while he/she is cheating.

DarkHoleHeart posted 6/12/2017 05:25 AM

1. That we will be done if wife has an affair.
2. That A happens because of problems in the M. And that BS is partially to blame.
3. I believed that if people choose to reconcile, rugsweeping is probably the best way. I even told my wife once, that if she has an affair, please, don't tell me about it. Idiot.
4. I've never had an idea of what a total devastation affair has on BS. I never had an idea that it would affect EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ASPECT of my life. I thought that it was more contained thing - i.e. you only hurt when you think about affair. But now I know that thinking about most innocent, most ordinary things in your life hurts like hell. Because everything has infidelity thread in it somewhere...

Dorothy123 posted 6/12/2017 08:47 AM

Sifting through the myths and misconceptions to find the truth.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 8:50 AM, June 12th (Monday)]

Rideitout posted 6/12/2017 08:59 AM

That A's are all about sex, and if your spouse isn't seeking sex from you, that means they don't want it from anyone. Also, the ability of others to lie and do it very well, I pictured an A as something that would be immediately evident in our relationship. It wasn't, not at all; mostly because I ignored the signs, but also because I never imagined it possible.

solus sto posted 6/13/2017 11:02 AM

That divorce was not an option.

2 sisters became BSs before I. From an early age, our father strenuously taught that divorce is never acceptable. Our mother reinforced this by example.

Neither sister divorced. One successfully Rd. The other remained married; after 20+ years they still have not Rd.

I divorced. But I did great damage to myself and, I fear, my kids, keeping them in contact with a man who has shed them like a coat (but blames them for estrangement) by waiting so long.

I never believed infidelity was fun or harmless or a victimless "crime." I never bought into Hollywood (which just as often shows its gruesome effects). I never saw it as the romantic joining of "soulmates." That's the stunted-at-seven-years-old nonsense x laps upĖbut he can make a ONS meet soulmate criteria (thereby making him "honest" in telling a judge he doesn't have ONSs. )

But I did believe divorce was not an option.

Mine is final on Friday. I don't have to, but I'm going to court to watch the judge sign.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:06 AM, June 13th (Tuesday)]

Dorothy123 posted 9/21/2017 08:58 AM

How sickening that so many people actually believe all these misconception that blame the BS !!!!!

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