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People who are always late - is this a real thing?

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confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 08:00 AM

So my BF and I have been together for close to 2 years now. I can say he really has a problem with time management. He is always late. I'm to the breaking point with it. I just can't seem to take it anymore. For example I made dinner yesterday for my D and I. He says he'd be over around 6:30. I texted him at 7:30 and said don't bother coming over, dinner is over. I see it as very disrespectful. This is one example, this happens at least once or twice every week. He also uses terms that he doesn't mean. For example, last week he was going to "run home real quick" and get a few things for the weekend. He lives 5-10 min from me. I took it as he will be back within the hour. He came back 2 hours later. He has 2 kids of his own and I know he'd never do that to them. He also has a great job that he's never late to.

I'm starting to take personal. Anyone ever encounter this as I think I can no longer continue. Trying to find a reason that this does get better or know how to manage as I don't want to lose him.

devotedman posted 5/8/2017 08:08 AM

I have a similar problem, but it extends to everything. If I _am_ more punctual about anything, though, it is where other people are concerned.

Have you talked this over with him? Have you made him aware of how you feel?

wildbananas posted 5/8/2017 08:15 AM

My xmil was the same way. She would tell me she'd be over at 4, and wander in around 7. It drove me crazy. I honestly don't think she was being malicious. Thoughtless though, definitely. She wasn't late for school or work that I ever saw.

Echoing dm... have you talked to him yet?

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 08:19 AM

It's a broken record I talk to him about it all the time. It really hurts my feelings bc I feel like I don't matter. It is really getting to me. I hate this feeling.

devotedman posted 5/8/2017 08:22 AM

There are different approaches to talking and you don't say which one you use.

Have you tried different approaches? Or is it always the same one, and how do you broach the subject? Angrily? Does he go all defensive when you bring it up?

nothisfriend posted 5/8/2017 08:47 AM

FWIW, my XWH used to do the same thing and eventually I realized it extended into lots of things. He was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear and not what the truth was. I could take it better if he said he was going to be gone one hour and really be gone just one hour. But he knew something would take an hour but tell me 10 minutes because he thought that's what I wanted to hear.

Good luck!

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 08:47 AM

It started out angry, then I moved to showing, now I'm to I don't care just wanted to tell you how I feel and that I close to being done. Funny I thought showing would work but that back fired. Any other thoughts?

Wiserallthetime posted 5/8/2017 08:50 AM

Just my opinion/2 cents here, and you should know it comes from dealing with an xwh that was/is like this on a regular basis, with most anyone unless and until he finds out it is detrimental to him personally in some way.

A few questions to ask yourself (I don't really need to know, but you do):

- Does he do this once in a blue moon (in which case it is not such a big deal as we all run late or take longer than we estimated sometimes)? Or, is it his usual MO, day in and day out?
- Did you speak with him about it, how it makes you feel, how you feel it is disrespectful?
-Did you lay down the boundary? When you told him not to bother coming for dinner that time, did you tell him why you cut it off? Had he stayed in touch throughout the delay to let you know why he was delayed and when he thought he may arrive? How did he respond when you cut it off? Was he sincerely apologetic, or did he simply make excuses?

Here's my thoughts, now:

Everyone runs late once in a while; everyone underestimates the time it will take them to do something every now and then. These are easily forgivable.
When it is the usual way of operating, though, it becomes a situation where the late party is definitely not respecting the time or plans of the other party. Nor are they showing they think the other party is worth much to them. If he is constantly late, and does not make changes to try to arrive on time next time; if you have spoken to him and revealed how it makes you feel and he still doesn't make a change; if you have set a clear boundary and he still keeps pushing on it, then, in my opinion, cut him lose. You will not ever feel worth much to him because he is not showing you you are worth much to him.
(And, by the way, I asked about them, because there can be a modicum of respect provided if updates are given during a delay; however, that is not always the case. Sometimes, they are given as a way to keep you on the hook, to keep you from laying down that boundary and cutting it off, or taking whatever is an appropriate action/boundary. Sometimes, it is simply boundary-busting behavior and nothing more. It is difficult to judge on these, and it is best reviewed within the scope of a much bigger picture of overall behavior.)

With my xwh, "a minute" can mean an hour, or maybe two. "Shortly" can mean the same. If you don't nail down an actual time on the clock with him, you still won't ever know when he means - and even then, you can count on him being late. That only changes when he sees himself as losing out due to the tardiness.
As an example, xwh and I went to MC before the D was filed; it was a farce because he had already made plans to leave me for mow, but that is another story. Xwh ran late the first few times, of course, but, when he figured out the MC started on time, with or without him, and that meant I was getting time to speak with the MC, alone and first, xwh suddenly started showing up on time and even a little early....
Another example: when we were under temporary orders, with no cut off time on his pick up stated (ie., get the kids by X time or lose the night), he showed when he wished. There were times he was up to an hour and a half late, and pick up time then was at 6pm, so the kids were starving by the time he finally arrived. (And this is where he would give those updates, estimating twenty minutes ETA, that would pass and then it would be another 15 minutes, and so on - keeping us on the hook and waiting, and keeping me from providing the kids with dinner already, as he would be there "soon"....yeah, right....) In the final, I got the judge to give a cut off time for his pick ups, so there would be no more wondering and waiting; it worked! Xwh has either made it on time, before the cut off time, or resigned himself early to not having the night. My child no longer has to wait around, hungry, for him to show. He realized he would lose out by being too late, and that is the only thing that gets him to change the behavior - my telling him the kids were hungry and aggravated at waiting, even them telling him themselves they felt unimportant to him and disrespected, did nothing.

Personally, I think you did great by cutting off the dinner. I hope you followed it up with telling him you felt disrespected and unimportant to him by his tardiness that night. If he sincerely apologized, which means a change in behavior followed, then he showed you do matter to him, and I would give him another chance. (Of course, you also have to explain how it made you feel when he took so long to run back to his place and grab a few things, too, and see if he sincerely apologizes there as well.) If, on the other hand, you didn't yet express how he made you feel, then you should; you can wait until it happens again, if you like, but it may be best to discuss it now, when it is out of the heat of the moment, anyway. If you did express how it made you feel, and he either apologized in words but not in the action of changed behavior or made excuses or got defensive, then it is probably time to think in terms of whether or not this relationship should continue, whether or not you are willing to continually put up with his tardiness and how it makes you feel as, if he reacts this way, it appears his tardiness is more important to him than your feelings are.

Just my opinion.....

Wiserallthetime posted 5/8/2017 08:55 AM

By the way, usually, if this is truly a disrespect issue, that disrespect will manifest itself in other areas of the relationship as well. Sometimes, as in my case, it is very covert or manipulative in its manifestation, so it may be hard to spot. So, look carefully, or, if you have a trusted friend that knows the two of you and sees how you interact, ask their opinion on if they see any signs of lack of respect. If you find there are more areas of disrespect in the relationship, I would definitely advise you to end things. But, that is based upon my own jaded experience, so take it with a grain of salt, a bit of cynicism, and the wisdom of experience mixed together....

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 09:05 AM

I did tell him how I felt last night. He just doesn't get it!

devotedman posted 5/8/2017 09:15 AM

He just doesn't get it!

Gently said, this is your conclusion. He might get it perfectly and just not care. You're speaking from your position, which is normal, but consider that there are other viewpoints. For instance, to you this is a big deal. To him it might not be.

More later, work...

TrustGone posted 5/8/2017 09:34 AM

If you have already voiced your position on this numerous times, then you need to let him know that it is no longer acceptable. If he doesn't show on time....No dinner, no date, etc...Then explain why. If he acts like it doesn't concern him that you are canceling, then you know where you stand and need to put an end to the relationship.

I have learned to do the same with SO's DS. Anytime I would invite him and his GF for dinner they would show late or call when they were supposed to be there and cancel at the last minute. I finally told SO that this was rude and that I was not inviting them to dinner again and I haven't unless SO was willing to cook it himself.

lieshurt posted 5/8/2017 09:38 AM

He has 2 kids of his own and I know he'd never do that to them. He also has a great job that he's never late to.

Then he knows what to do to be on time. He just choses not to be punctual when it comes to you and expects you to accept that. You find it to be a problem and he doesn't. So, it's up to you to decide if you are willing to accept his disrespect or not.

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 09:47 AM

I think that is why I get upset! He can do it when he wants to. He never lets down kids and work loves him so yes that's my answer. I'm worthless and don't matter. :(
Just having a moment...

lieshurt posted 5/8/2017 09:57 AM

I'm worthless and don't matter. :(

Stop that right now!! You are not. He's being a dick. That does not make you worthless.

PlanC posted 5/8/2017 10:01 AM

I know several folks that are wired that way. Perhaps its adult manifestation of ADD?

Wiserallthetime posted 5/8/2017 10:04 AM

He may be showing you he doesn't hold you worth as much as, say, his kids and work, but that does NOT make it your truth!! It actually doesn't make it true at all.
Hold to your truth and show him you very much so are worth just as much as his kids and work, and, as such, since he can't seem to provide you the respect you deserve as a person of worth and value, he can simply find another to disrespect instead, if he can find anyone willing to put up with such.
Show him you ARE worth it, and so much more!

Adlham posted 5/8/2017 10:24 AM

I'm perpetually late for everything by about 30 minutes. No matter what time I'm up and ready, I just cannot get it together.
But when I say everything, I mean everything.
In order to get to places where timing is critical, I have to set the alarm on my phone 30 minutes earlier than what I need to make it on time.
When I die, I'm purposely going to be 30 minutes late for my funeral because it's just what I do.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, I just struggle with time.

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 10:35 AM

Thanks Adlham. That's what he claims too but unfortunately he's right on time for other things. He also claims ADD. I have experienced this like I said for close to 2 years. It's our only issue. Ive expressed my feelings numberous occasions. He gets it when we talk but the next day we are right back where we started.

confused52204 posted 5/8/2017 10:36 AM

I do understand that I'm not worthless. Just in this moment thinking about it I feel that way...

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