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Musings on a first date after bus riding

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ADryHeat posted 5/22/2017 15:59 PM

The last guy I dated (I call him Blue Collar) I ended it with last November. He was lots of good things: nice, thoughtful, smart, funny, caring, etc. Unfortunately, he was also a mess in his personal life, and the day he called to proudly tell me he'd just quit his job with no other in sight and had to move in with a buddy (his employer provided his housing and no job=move out ASAP), I think I actually heard my Netherlands slam shut. I cannot date a man with no drive and ambition. It ended kind of weird, and basically as soon as I called it, he moved back to his home state, only to be heard from once or twice since.

I didn't mourn that ending, but I did step away from OLD and trying to meet people. I had a brief insane crush on a semi-coworker that just sort of faded away, excaserbated by his very public fling with a very un-like-me woman. Nothing wrong with her, no judgment, but if THAT is his type I have no interest and so the crush was quashed.

About two months back, I rejoined two OLD sites. One I promptly quit again (Tinder bc uggggg) and the other I left up for a bit but rarely visited. I decided one day to cancel it, but before doing so I took a peek and saw a guy had viewed me a few times so I viewed his profile. It was a good profile---and that night he messaged me. We've been talking now for 3+ weeks and are set to meet this week. I normally won't talk that long before meeting but he had extenuating circumstances involving international travel the week after we met. We've texted, talked on the phone, and even facetimed. I'm into him so far.

So I'm back to being anxious. Can't eat, upset tummy, etc. I'm realizing this is 100% related to my low self esteem about my body. YES I know you menz will say to stop worrying, no one notices stretch marks, you don't mind a mom tummy, etc etc. And yet here I am, freaking out that he will see me in person and run. Why? I'm not a monster. Some might even think I'm not shabby to look at for prolonged periods of time. I have ZERO self esteem issues related to any other part of me: I happen to believe I'm a solidly good person with high morals, decent intelligence, an outstanding sense of humor, etc etc.

And YET, I am feeling straight up anxiety. I don't think it's a sign I'm not ready---I actually feel maybe ready to have a relationship which I never thought I'd say again! I am seriously craving physical affection and terrified I'll be rejected. Not that I'm looking to jump his bones (but he DOES have that U.K. accent thing happening....), just that I wish I could take a pill that made me lose 20# and all my self confidence issues overnight.

I just needed to get this out. Rationally I know he could like me for a million reasons or hate me for a million reasons. Rationally I know if he has been interested thus far, even after seeing me on FaceTime, and he suddenly isn't because I have a decently sizeable ass and hips, it's about him and I shouldn't let it determine how I feel about myself. But the emotions aren't rational, people!

shakti posted 5/22/2017 16:36 PM

DryHeat, I hear you! Often our insecurities make absolutely no sense...we are sometimes are own worst critics! I understand that. But(and I hope it's okay that) I'm not going to say, 'It will be great with this new guy' and that 'He will be all that you expected' or 'He will love you the instant he sees you'. Partly because I don't believe in fairy tale endings, but also because I'm working on this new approach of letting go of expectations. The 'maybe' approach, which I find quite freeing.. For example, if I was meeting someone thinking 'maybe the date will go well...or maybe it won't', releases all expectations. Works for me these days. :-)

But if he cannot see the real beautiful you, it's his loss, not yours!

I hope you have a great time with him! Keep us posted.

Sad in AZ posted 5/22/2017 21:29 PM

You are a beautiful, funny woman. Just let it be; if it works, great; if it doesn't, oh well.

TrustGone posted 5/23/2017 07:06 AM

Who knows?? He may like a girl with an ass and hips. As someone said we are our own worst enemy. I didn't think anyone would want me at all. I'm 54, small chested, disabled, and have been married 3 times. My SO actually likes small chested women (go figure). After the death of his wife he is not scared of my disabilities and loves me just the way I am. If you find someone that cares more about what you look like than what's on the inside, then you know he is not for you.

MissyMisdemeanor posted 5/23/2017 07:47 AM

Sirmixalot made a lot of money with the simple phrase I like big butts and I cannot lie. All you other brothers cant deny.

IfYouCanDream posted 5/23/2017 07:48 AM

Gah - that first meeting is so nerve-wracking. I think feeling anxious, and feeling insecure about things is very normal. Maybe instead of focusing on "will he like me" re-frame it as "will I like him"?

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/23/2017 07:51 AM

ADH, girl, how many times do I have to tell you this: you are a FANTASTIC person with so much to offer. It's NOT all about the exterior. Sure, there has to be some physical spark but that is a fickle thing and there is NO predicting it. Everyone has their flaws, including this guy. And if he's British odds are he's worried about his teeth

Seriously, the anxiety is probably due to the fact that you are ready for something more and that is a good thing. Listen to that. And pay attention to how you feel with him not what you think he's thinking about you. Take it slow and concentrate on how you feel about him. Does he listen, is he kind, is he compassionate, does he make you laugh...? You are worthy of being loved, you have a fuckton of charm to offer and you are an amazing bad ass woman. Remember that.

twisted posted 5/23/2017 09:23 AM

From a man's perspective, ( granted I've been on the bench for damn near 40 years),
Personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and above all, attitude will make a man see what he wants to see in you.
He will be blind to the imperfections, or actually appreciate your battle scars of life.

If he doesn't, then have him move right along.

ADryHeat posted 5/23/2017 11:10 AM

Thanks all. I'm trying to remember that a first meeting is just a chance to suss each other out and I have nothing to lose.

Sazzy, Brokehearted thanks! It's so easy to see all the 'flaws' I was told by ex I had and forget to focus on the fact I'm a fairly amazing catch overall.

Meeting is happening this week so I'll update.

Braveyogi posted 5/23/2017 11:16 AM

Get some smoking hot, awesome clothes on, shoes you rock, just enough makeup and jewelry (if you wear them) and hold your head up and be confident. All the men in my divorce support group agreed that a confident woman, no matter what she looks like, is so attractive. I agree! I've met women with luscious curves who wear it beautifully b/c of their confidence and loving of their body.
For the anxiety - exercise, take deep breaths, funny videos on You Tube, also don't put all your eggs in one basket with this guy. Maybe adjust your expectations and catch your negative self talk - such as plan to go out and meet someone new and have a good time, rather than the negative self talk of "is he going to find me attractive? will he like me? etc.
As MN says, You got this!!

PlanC posted 5/23/2017 13:11 PM

Unless he found you attractive he wouldn't have asked you out. The only exceptions to this rule are the guys trying to have sex with everyone, but you'd (and by this comment I mean you individually, and not general womankind) would spot that kind of guy a long way off. So relax and focus on seeing whether you click.

CornflakeGirl posted 5/23/2017 13:30 PM

I know all about anxiety, ADH!

On my first date with my current SO, I knew it was going to go well. We had met prior to it at a single parent's support group and we hit it off right from the start.

To beat the nerves, I got my hair done and put on some sexy, yet casual clothes. I was still nervous as hell! However, I went into it with the attitude that it didn't matter if he liked me. He ended up liking me a lot :)

What's not to like?! You're amazing. Own that amazing!

ADryHeat posted 5/23/2017 19:05 PM

Thanks friends!!! We are meeting TONIGHT and I'm about to spoil myself with a luxurious bath to prepare. Have anxiety still, but I think to some degree that's just part and parcel to being a people pleaser. I'm basically ALWAYS nervous when I meet new people! The two AZ gtgs I've attended I was so nervous about beforehand. I'll chill in the tub and put on something that makes me feel pretty and see where it goes!

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 7:39 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

funnelcakes posted 5/23/2017 22:36 PM


Your heart shines through in so many of the things you share...the good, the bad, the border patrols in the Netherlands...

Remember on the VCR when you'd record something over something else and be merrily fast-forwarding through the commercials to get to the next segment of The Sound of Music and then end up in M*A*S*H* for a minute? Well, unfortunately, there still seem to be some vestigial crap moments from The ExHole Show that haven't been recorded over yet. Seems like they're jumping out, unexpected like, and ruining the twirling through the Alpine meadows singing "The Hills are Alive!"

All these experiences (Blue Collar, Scottish McPegleg, Mr Tonight) are helping play over that tape. Also, a bunch of random strangers on the internet think you're a catch.

Go get 'em, tigre!

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/24/2017 09:44 AM

Keep us posted!!

ADryHeat posted 5/24/2017 11:41 AM

Thank you, friends!

The date went SO well. He's charming and intelligent and funny and complimentary and respectful, all of which was thoroughly appreciated. We met at a little pub/restaurant that was very charming and had a big open window looking out over the downtown (it's a college town), had dinner and drinks, then took a walk to a little garden area where there may have been a touch of kissing---which was stellar.

Points to him: he asked if it was ok to kiss me first, which I found really sweet and respectful.

He texted this morning to thank me for meeting him, and I'd say there's a 90% chance we will see each other again.

twisted posted 5/24/2017 16:44 PM

then took a walk to a little garden area where there may have been a touch of kissing---which was stellar.

Hey, this is SI, we aren't bashful here, that's all the details your telling?

he asked if it was ok to kiss me first,

Awwwww! For future reference, the correct answer is to grab him by the noggin and put a big lip lock on him.

You want to make a good impression.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:44 PM, May 24th (Wednesday)]

better4me posted 5/24/2017 20:22 PM

So happy it was a great first date! I love that you got a (stellar) kiss in the garden. How were the nerves during the kiss?

Remember that if there is a second date, your quest is just to figure out if YOU want to see HIM another time.

You really are a catch, you know!

Sad in AZ posted 5/25/2017 00:06 AM

That's wonderful

ADryHeat posted 5/25/2017 02:04 AM

Haha Twisted, it may have involved laying down in the park looking at planes passing overhead. It was lovely.

Better4me, about ten minutes into the date he told me, "You're so much better than I even expected." So that sort of calmed the nerves for me.

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 2:05 AM, May 25th (Thursday)]

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