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What the actual %*&(! Advice please

Lynrobroy posted 5/29/2017 12:05 PM

I have no idea what has happened to me and I need some outside opinions.

Last September I made the decision to divorce my husband because he was an emotionally abusive, selfish man-child.
Four weeks later I discovered he had been cheating for years, probably the entire marriage and with countless women. There was even more but it isn't important. The point is I kicked him out immediately and never considered R.

I was so bruised from being married to him I have been 100% certain that I won't even consider dating for a couple years. I have not had the slightest interest in dating. In fact if I even think someone is hitting on me it makes me mad and I end the conversation.

Then Friday happened and I don't even know what happened. A friend at work I met a few months ago suggested we get dinner. I told him I would love to as friends but he needed to know I was separated waiting to divorce and did not want to date anyone. He said he understood. we went to dinner and spent the next seven hours talking and laughing.

I woke up the next morning smiling and thought about him all day. We talked a little over text, just about movies and books and decided to have brunch the next day. So yesterday we met for brunch and spent the next nine hours talking and laughing. We ended up kissing and I had him take me home, because I did not want things to go further. But the truth is I really did.

I know it is too early and I know I need to shut this down. I just can't figure out how I completely changed my feelings about dating almost instantly.

Please wake me up. He is a great guy and kind of everything I want someday, but there is no way I am ready and I don't want to hurt him. Ugh I am actually missing the semi bitter, walled up version of myself I had on Thursday.

I.will.survive posted 5/29/2017 13:01 PM

Ohhhh, I get it, I really do!

I remember my first date after divorce. I was so smitten, hook line and sinker because he treated me with such respect, admiration and true devotion.

It lasted 2 years! But I wasn't ready to re-marry so it ended in heart break.

My point being...you are starved for attention and affection and it's easy to find it flattering when you receive it from someone who seems genuine! Nothing wrong with that. But you seem aware enough to know that you aren't ready for another relationship at this point.

I don't regret my long term relationship with that first love after divorce. But I do regret that I didn't cut it off early on because we both were REALLY hurt by my inability to say yes to forever.

Just be careful and be clear. Hopefully another one will come along that is just as exciting and easy to talk to when YOU are ready to commit.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 1:02 PM, May 29th (Monday)]

twisted posted 5/29/2017 17:07 PM

Lyn, I am not in your position, the mere thought of entering the dating world at my age is inconceivable to my brain.
My best advice is to explain where you are in your life, and let him read your post above.
It perfectly describes you and and your feelings, assuming this man is half of what you describe, he'll feel a sharp tug on his heart, and pain in his mouth from the hook, drag his ass in the boat. Have faith and no fear. You met a guy you enjoy and connect with. Go for it, that is a rare thing. You've been through a hurrican and came out wiser and stronger. Trust yourself.

smokenfire posted 5/29/2017 22:21 PM

Just read below

LOL

I get it.

NoMercy posted 5/30/2017 07:18 AM

Honestly?

It sounds to me like you're trying very hard to hold onto your anger and bitterness but you're having a tough time doing that in the presence of someone you enjoy, like and respect.

What's so wrong with enjoying the guy's company? What do you gain by shutting back down and wallowing in pain and anger again? What's the payoff in that?

I was SO completely done with my serial cheating first husband that by the time I left him, I was dating within 2 months and having a blast. I'd sacrificed enough of my life to my ex-cheater; I wasn't about to sacrifice another day.

thenon-goddess posted 5/30/2017 10:30 AM

^^^What she said!

jadasae posted 5/30/2017 12:23 PM

I rarely post...but your situation sounds so much like mine 🙂Even the 9 month time frame....I found myself seeing someone who had been a friend for over 20 years...well that was 6 years ago and we've been married for the last 4 😎. Everyone is different and you need to be wiser with your heart the second time around.....but it can also be great again, so maybe relax and go with it especially now you know you're strong enough to be on your own if that's what's best for you. I love that my husband and I are together because we both chose to be, not because either of us is feels like there is no where else to go.

jadasae posted 5/30/2017 12:23 PM

double post

[This message edited by jadasae at 12:25 PM, May 30th (Tuesday)]

CornflakeGirl posted 5/30/2017 13:41 PM

Last September I made the decision to divorce my husband because he was an emotionally abusive, selfish man-child. Four weeks later I discovered he had been cheating for years, probably the entire marriage and with countless women. There was even more but it isn't important. The point is I kicked him out immediately and never considered R.

I was so bruised from being married to him I have been 100% certain that I won't even consider dating for a couple years. I have not had the slightest interest in dating. In fact if I even think someone is hitting on me it makes me mad and I end the conversation.

^^I get this. Right after I filed, I went out for drinks with my girlfriends. They all were trying to convince me to start dating. I was not interested, not in the slightest. My situation was incredibly similar to yours. My ex was abusive and narcissistic. He has been cheating for years, I confirmed that he had been cheating since BEFORE our children were born. It was enough to keep me single for a lifetime.

Then I met my SO. We weren't looking to get into a relationship. We were in a single parents group looking for support. When we met in person, we hit it off. He asked for a date 3 days later. I couldn't even believe it when I heard myself tell him yes. I didn't tell him yes because I was lonely, I told him yes because I was interested in him.

I decided just to go with it and give him a chance. We have incredible chemistry and a wonderful friendship.

The second time around, it's important to be smarter and have firm boundaries. Don't ever sacrifice yourself for somebody else ever again. But, something tells me if you kicked your ex out right at D-Day, you have good boundaries already.

One of my best friends is incredibly supportive of me moving on. Often, I'll say "wtf am I doing? I'm getting so serious with somebody and I said I'd never do it again." Her response is, "after a bad night of drinking, you always think you'll never have another drink. It's natural."

After what you've been through, it's important to be cautious. At the same time, don't be afraid to live and find love again just because you were married to a fuckwit.

Lynrobroy posted 5/30/2017 18:00 PM

Thank you for you responses, very helpful.

No Mercy - I especially appreciate what you said. I think you are spot on. I had not thought of myself as hanging on to anger, I saw it more like protecting myself. But hanging on is exactly what it is.

I don't want to waste any more of my life on the cheater. I am not ready to seriously date but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy getting to know this person. He knows where I am and he is totally respectful of my process, he isn't pushing for anything I am not ready for.

So I am going to very cautiously go for it.

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