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Baby Mamma Drama. Could a good relationship ever exist?

APRIL2008 posted 6/1/2017 13:16 PM

OMG it has been so long since I have been here, however I will for ever look back at this site as my savior and my guide. It helped me tremendously.
I found a wonderful guy! we have been together for close to 2 years now. We have recently moved in to our own house, a beautiful sanctuary which we share with our 4 children my daughter and son and his 2 boys which get along great, except for the normal drama between brothers and sisters of course.
My kids dad has little to no contact with us, he will see them maybe every 2-3 months however its what is best for all of us, he brings too much drama into our life when he is constantly involved.
Now my stepkids mom is very much involved even tho the kids live with me. She sees them often and tries to keep a good relationship with them as well as with my boyfriend and me. She has a 1 1/2 year old young son which my step boys adore and love spending time with so in return my boyfriend and I have learned to care for him too

Now at the start of all of this we had very little contact but since we all moved in she of course has to be more involved with me in social events such as kids parties and family events. To be honest at the beginning I was a little jealous of the relationship her and my SO had maybe because I couldn't understand it since my ex and I could never have a relationship like that, but then as I got to know her more, been more involved with her I feel absolutely no threat from her.
I have stayed in her families house in mexico while we were on vacation. I have visited her home and met her immediate family while celebrating my older step sons birthday. We have truly developed a good relationship, I wouldn't say friendship but we get along. Now I don't always agree with some of the choices she makes when it comes to having a romantic relationship, specially when she keeps bringing different guys around my step kids, I don't agree but I try and understand because I was a single mom trying to find the right guy while I had kids to take care of and I know how difficult it could be.

Well fast forward to this last weekend. My boyfriend and I become Godparents to my niece, my brothers daughter, we had a celebration in honor of that and of her first birthday at my house. Without my knowledge my steps kids asked their mom to come over and bring their little brother to the celebration. She called my boyfriend to ask if this was ok with us so he asked me and I confirmed that I had no issue with that.
Now my family is all hispanic and I have known no one that has ever had a good relationship with their exe's, baby mama or baby daddy. Actually my 2 brothers and their now wives have always had issues with their previous wives some going through court for restraining orders against them ect ect ect to say the least its never been good between them.

So when my family and friend see my SO ex's a "guy friend" of hers and her young son come in to the celebration everyone's jaws dropped, they stared her down in disbelief. Many people coming to me to comfort me like they felt sorry for me, as to what I always responded I was fine. The whole party was uncomfortable and at the end of the night my sister in law, (mom to my niece which we were celebrating), walked over to my boyfriends ex and asked her to leave my house because she and everyone else felt uncomfortable with her presence as to what a whole commotion started everyone argued including myself with my step kids mom, I told her it was disrespectful of her to bring so many guys around my step kids. It was just a mess.

Now a few days later I am gaining perspective of all of this. I called her to apologize and just clear the air. However none of my friends or family are understanding me everyone keeps telling me this is wrong. That I am putting my relationship and my peace at risk.
I am getting everyone's opinion saying that she still wants to show she has a say over my boyfriend she wants to cause problems ect ect ect.
are they right?
Does anyone have a good relationship with their SO baby mamma/daddy?
Is this even possible???

Catwoman posted 6/1/2017 13:31 PM

Your family was totally and wholly in the wrong, and I would not hesitate to chew a relative out for asking one of MY guests to leave MY home when they were there at MY invitation.

It doesn't matter what they think--if they don't have the decency and good manners to suck it up and deal, then the hell with them.

I hope you apologized to your SO's ex and her family for this. It is inexcusable.


lieshurt posted 6/1/2017 13:35 PM

Totally agree with Catwoman.

Does anyone have a good relationship with their SO baby mamma/daddy?
Is this even possible???

Of course, it is. I've known many people who've maintained good relationships with their ex-spouse.

I told her it was disrespectful of her to bring so many guys around my step kids.

You were absolutely wrong to do this, especially given the circumstances.

LilBlackCat posted 6/1/2017 13:35 PM

I dunno about the part with having a truly good relationship with the ex, or not.. I don't think I can (I'm Hispanic, which is probably why.. LOL!!! Just kidding )

But honestly, you should do what you feel is right and works for you and your kids and now your steps kids..

Don't let the "family" mettle with your mindset.. Not everyone has the same scenario. Plus a lot of haters out there.. well, hating.. and love to share the wealth, per sey.

Good luck

Notfromhere posted 6/1/2017 13:56 PM

I think you owe her a huge apology so I'm glad that you called her to apologize and I hope she can accept it. You have a great deal to apologize for actually, not least that she was harassed at an event that you said it was ok for her to come to and then instead of standing up for her, you joined in.

Can you imagine how that must have felt for her? How would you feel if it was you in her position?

I am very new to this but I know a bunch of people who have great relationships with ex partners. I really hope you haven't gone from being one of the exceptionally lucky people to benefit from this kind of relationship, to someone who will have to live with knowing that they ruined that.

I feel so bad for her and hope she's ok. I would have been devastated if something like that happened to me. I only hope the kids didn't witness their mom being spoken to that way.

solus sto posted 6/1/2017 14:00 PM

It's working! You don't need your family to tell you otherwise.

I'd let them know that this is your decision–that it's healthy and positive for ALL involved, esp the kids, for whom it sets a wonderful example.

You don't HAVE baby mama drama! You have a family trying to create drama. I'd make it unequivocally clear you will not accept that from them at all, henceforth. They can be open and accepting, or they can choose to remove themselves from your fun and happy and functional family activities.

I would tell THEM, too, that your participation in the dogpile at the party HARMED the mother of children you love, and that you are now going to do your best to make amends to her (I can't imagine how blindsided and hurt she must be–did anyone stand up for her?) and to her children. I hope none of the kids saw or heard a word of this, but know my kids sometimes did–which means they will need help sorting this out, too.

I would nip this in the bud, pronto. You have built a new life. Are you going to let your family destroy it?

If you're cool with the kids' mom, she's not what I'd be excluding. I'd hate to exclude others but would make clear that troublemakers are not welcome. And if alcohol played in, I'd skip that way before I undermined the good working relationships you're working to forge.

I hope it's reparable. (If probably is, with time and sincerity.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:12 PM, June 1st (Thursday)]

smokenfire posted 6/1/2017 16:48 PM

Your family is not in the relationship, you are. If it works well for all three adults and most importantly all the kids, GO FOR IT.

I would apologize and explain the cultural thing going on with the ex.

TrustGone posted 6/1/2017 22:30 PM

I now have a pretty good relationship with XWH#1. It wasn't always this way. He has met my SO and I have met his GF (not OW) and we don't have a problem at all now and it really makes things so much better for our kids. He apologized for his behavior during our marriage and said he didn't blame me, he would have divorced him too. We can joke about it now, but there was a time I wished he would have fallen off the face of the earth. Now however, I would not let anyone disrespect him, especially my friends and family.

This is your and your SO's business to deal with, not your families. You need to explore why you felt a need to join your family in attacking her after allowing her to come. If you knew your family was this way, you should have told her prior to the party and then she wouldn't have been blindsided by everyone. Maybe deep down you have some resentment/jealousy for her being so much in your lives. Maybe it is time to start excluding her from your family functions.

EvenKeel posted 6/2/2017 07:06 AM

Oh my goodness. How awful that your niece's special occasion(s) was tainted by this drama.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Your family is wrong. I don't care how they felt about SO's ex (and friend). This was YOUR house and they should of been respectful of that.

While I understand you can not control what other people say and do, I would definitely apologize to her again for your family. They were outta line.

As for your (and SO's) relationship with her. I think it is great you have found a way to all be involved with events in your children's lives. Kids can not have too many people who love them.

As for her active friend's life, that is really her call. Some folks are adamanant not to mix their dating world with their children while others have no issue with this (even if it is just multiple people they are multi-dating). As long as there is no inappropriate acts with the children present, I would not really be commenting on it to her. If your SO has an issue with the string of men, then it is up to him to spreak to her.

To answer your original question - I do not have this type of R with my ex. But my friend does. Her ex's child with his new wife comes and spends the night, etc. They all sit together when they go to the kid's games, etc. It was not always like that and was a slow process to establish this relationship, but it works for them. All ex spouses and new spouses are able to be amicable, etc.

So shame on your family. I understand it is not the norm and they were only trying to protect you....but they had no right to make a guest feel unwelcome at an event you said she could attend. The woman actually called to make sure it was ok.

I am sorry this happened to you.

(ps - good to see you here!!!)

MadOldBat posted 6/2/2017 07:59 AM

It sounds as though your "good" relationship and good intentions were hijacked... I'm so sorry.

Does anyone have a good relationship with their SO baby mamma/daddy?
Is this even possible???

Yes, it is definitely possible.

My Mum and Dad managed to work it all out between themselves and me (and my sister when she was alive).

In fact, I would have loved even more contact with my step brother and sister as I grew up.

My STBXWH was the grit in the wheel...... constantly making up and imagining nefarious intentions of my step-father.
I was a door-mat , but thank goodness I recognised this as intrinsically WRONG and never left off contact with my Mum (serial cheater) or stepdad (BH in his first marriage).
His way was "if y is talking to x - (and I'm not talking to x), then I'm never going to speak to y ever again"......... because????
crap self-esteem?
Back me or sack me? - god knows, not me.
My Dad is a saint (I have inherited ALL my best traits from him)

We all get on well now - except my "fragile" git of a cheating spouse - who in hindsight projected every single bit of his bad faith and secret disloyalty onto all of us.
He's still barging his merry, bi-polar, self-opinionated, self-aggrandising, big-man-I-am-un-vulnerable way through - to potential alienation of his children.

Stick to YOUR understanding of what you'd like your extended family dynamic to be.
Dare you approach your hispanic family?
Just because they don't know or acknowledge this type of extended relationship - where all are included for the greater good of the children / next generation - doesn't always mean that they wouldn't be open to it if your strong opinion and desire for a good blend was heard and explained.

Good luck April, it sounds as though YOU and your SO and SO's ex are on the right track, I'm sure that you can sort this out with your family too once they understand your viewpoint.

Strength to you and all the children,

MOB xx

NoMercy posted 6/3/2017 10:07 AM

I am getting everyone's opinion saying that she still wants to show she has a say over my boyfriend she wants to cause problems ect ect ect.
are they right?

Honestly, your family sounds like a bunch of big-mouthed, opinionated busybodies. Not only did they act ignorantly by 'staring down' the date this woman brought with her, but one had the colossal nerve to tell her to leave a home that wasn't even hers. The end result of their inappropriate behavior was an unnecessary 'showdown' between your H's ex-wife and your family, with you joining in.

She did absolutely nothing at that party to deserve that kind of treatment. Too damned bad if your family "thinks" she wants to control your husband. Must be nice to be all-knowing and all-seeing.

This was supposed to be a little girl's first Birthday party and your family members just HAD to turn it into a Jerry Springer episode with their classless and unnecessary need for drama and confrontation.

I had a very good relationship with my ex while we were co-parenting my son, and I also got along very well with his new wife when he remarried 6 years later.

Of course it's possible to have a good relationship with your step-kids' mother - and it WAS possible because you were doing it before your family had to stick their noses in and get involved when they had NO business doing so.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 10:11 AM, June 3rd (Saturday)]

Sad in AZ posted 6/4/2017 02:13 AM

April! It's so good to see you back on the boards.

I agree; your family is out of bounds. It would have been better if you had been prepared for this to happen, but in the grand scheme of things, it was your party, and your guests, even the godchild's mother, should have deferred to you.

I understand Latin families; mine is Italian. A lot of drama and loving interference. Have 'the talk' with them and read them the riot act. This is not acceptable.

shakentocore posted 6/5/2017 10:12 AM

I'm going to go against the grain here and say there are problems on both sides.

Without my knowledge my steps kids asked their mom to come over and bring their little brother to the celebration. She called my boyfriend to ask if this was ok with us so he asked me and I confirmed that I had no issue with that.

It's great that you get along with SO's ex, but really she had no place being at a party thrown for your niece. She and her baby have no relationship with your niece or your family. Yes, she is the mom of your step-sons, but it wasn't a party for your stepsons. She basically invited herself to your family party. That's rude, IMO. She could have easily told her boys that she was not going, the baby would not enjoy the party, etc.

I am wondering if you are in IC for boundary issues. Your family seems to have a problem respecting your authority in your own home, but I don't think your SO's ex is respectful either.

She has a 1 1/2 year old young son which my step boys adore and love spending time with so in return my boyfriend and I have learned to care for him too

It's ok for the boys to know that their brother belongs in mom's home. You already have four kids - do you really want or need to babysit for another one? (SO's ex watching her own kids is not the same as you caring for her child). If you are a "the more the merrier" type, that's completely up to you, but you are allowed to say no to having an open house when it comes to SO's ex. I like a lot of people and have a number of friends, but they don't come to my family parties and I don't watch their kids.

Divorce means that there are two homes, that there are two sets of rules, that they get some things at mom's house and some things at dad's house. That's ok.

GabyBaby posted 6/5/2017 10:39 AM

Your family was out of line and so were you. How the mother of your BF's kids handles her personal life isn't your business.
I'm glad you apologized.

I agree that your BF's kids should not have invited their mother. Your niece has no relationship with their mother, so that invitation is odd.

Also, the kids aren't your stepkids. You aren't married to their dad. You have no legal standing. As a mom, I've corrected more than one of my XWH's girlfriends for using similar terminology with my kids (and for lesser "offenses").
Something to think about.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:41 AM, June 5th (Monday)]

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