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He says I am still trying to control him

dancingmom66 posted 6/2/2017 16:21 PM

My ex and 2 sons ages 19 and 22 live in the family home. The home is in both of our names and the divorce decree stipulates that it is to be sold within 5 years or sooner upon mutual agreement.

My ex has been doing a bunch of home improvements and when I questioned the timeline he stated that he and the kids have been talking about selling. WTF, don't you think that you should have talked with me first? In order for him to get a house that would accommodate all 3 of them plus 2 large dogs, they would be looking about 30-40 min outside of the city where they now live. Both the kids would have a long commute to school and work.

I sent him an email today expressing my concerns related to the impact that a move would have on the kids right now. We had already planned to sit and discuss it with the kids next week, but I wanted to put my thoughts down for him to see without the kids there.

He responded that it feels like I am trying to control him again. He says that I suggested that he is selfish and putting his needs ahead of our kids. (Yes he is, but I never insinuated that). He balked at my suggestion that with more time the kids could save to move out on their own. Overall the email was snarky as hell and super defensive.

He wants to make the most that he can from the sale due to his high debt. I am content to wait it out. Thoughts??

I.will.survive posted 6/2/2017 16:54 PM

Ugh, this situation stinks. Within 5 years probably had a "definitely 5 years" understanding in your mind.


For him, "sooner upon mutual agreement" was his take away and he's ready for it to be sooner.

That's a major divide for the two of you!

I think it doesn't matter why you both want would you do, just that your expectation was vastly different on how to interpret that line in the decree.

See if you can have a face to face talk about it without the boys present. I would hate for them to be pawns in this discussion that's really about money for him.

one2ndchance posted 6/2/2017 17:02 PM

it is to be sold within 5 years or sooner upon mutual agreement.

You're a co-owner. If the agreement is not mutual, then you don't sell. Doesn't matter what he wants. If you want to wait until 5 years post divorce, then he has to wait.

Oftencheatedon posted 6/2/2017 17:02 PM

Gently - your sons are adults. You should not be negotiating with your DH on their behalf.

You can certainly give your sons advice on how they should approach this with their father, but as they are no longer minors you should not be running interference for them.

Be glad he is willing to sell. All too many exes stall over it because they want to keep living in the home.

But if the court order says you have the option to wait 5 years, then just do that if it's important to you. You do not have to convince your DH why you are right. You can just do it (or not do it as the case may be).

Randy1133 posted 6/3/2017 08:49 AM

Sell it, why wait 5 years? Your divorced now, your kids are adults, it makes sense. My opinion.

Sad in AZ posted 6/4/2017 02:16 AM

I also agree that your kids are adults. It would be better if you were off the house and paid in full. Nothing good can come of holding on to the asset. Get your money and get out.

OrdinaryDude posted 6/4/2017 06:41 AM

I also agree with the above comments, the kids are grown, and are not a real factor in this phase of your settlement.

If he wants to move, sell and take your part of the equity...one less thing to keep your lives intertwined.

Phoenix1 posted 6/4/2017 11:39 AM

Honestly, if it were me, I would be thrilled that he wants to sell so the last marital tie is finally cut! Your sons will be just fine. As adults they can decide if they want to move with their father or venture out on their own. Hell, they could decide to get their own place and be roommates! Regardless, they will be okay.

TrustGone posted 6/4/2017 16:19 PM

I agree that this is not a hill you want to die on. As stated your kids are grown. It is no longer your decision where they live. Get rid of the house and be glad you are no longer tied to him.

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