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The Scarlet "D"

Braveyogi posted 6/5/2017 08:30 AM

I went to a neighborhood party last night - tons of kids and families. I've been going to these get togethers for years. Newly divorced, I felt so weird and alone. Had a huge shame-fest being the only divorced, single mom. Uggg. I know this is a pity party...came face to face again with the loss of my dreams of a loving family unit.

How did you maneuver social relationships with coupled people after your D? what do you do with the shame?

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 8:33 AM, June 5th (Monday)]

TheKarmaTrain posted 6/5/2017 09:12 AM

You just started the next chapter of your life and it's still very fresh, so give yourself a break. In the beginning I found it hard to be around all couples and I would often bail out of things early and go home depressed. After a while to be honest I kind of began to enjoy it. I made sure to surround myself with people who made me feel good about myself and included me in things and frankly it was kind of nice to go to what I wanted to go to and leave when I wanted to leave without having to reach a consensus with someone else. As with everything in this journey it just takes some time to feel comfortable in your new normal.

thenon-goddess posted 6/5/2017 11:53 AM

Sorry that you had a rough night. (((Brave)))
I never felt shame. I have no shame because my ex decided to be a dick and cheat on me and his children - that is all on him. After my divorce I still attended family (his family is like mine) events, as I had no beef with them. I love them. I also still hung out with my best married friend. She and her husband would invite me for bonfires or to hang out. I do have single friends now, which I didn't before, and I certainly feel that twinge sometimes when I'm out with my kids alone and I see all of the families, but I know that things ending was for the best and my life truly is headed in a better direction now. It's just a small moment of sadness and then I move on. I'm 6 years from dday and a little over a year from divorce. It takes time, but it does get easier.

TrustGone posted 6/5/2017 13:03 PM

You just have to suck it up and "fake it" until you make it as they say. It won't always be like this. I know I just kept going to things I was invited to until I no longer felt like a 3rd wheel. It was hard in the beginning, but it got easier as time passed. Just like everything else, getting used to a new normal takes time and effort.

Phoenix1 posted 6/5/2017 13:11 PM

You are still trying to find your new normal, so feeling a little out of place is totally normal. It takes time to adjust, but it WILL get much better.

And DON'T feel ashamed! You've done nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, quite the opposite. Walk tall and proud. You had the strength and fortitude to stand up for yourself and say, "No more! I deserve better than this!" Be proud, my dear, not ashamed.


Hope24 posted 6/5/2017 13:18 PM

Don't be surprised of half of those happy couples are divorced in the next 10 years. That's what happened in my neighborhood. Soon, they will be coming to you for advice.

Brighteyes posted 6/5/2017 13:33 PM

I don't know how to quote, but hope24's post jumped out at me.

After my first separation from xWH many years ago, a neighbor lady asked me how I did it with multiple kids and no job outside the home. She said she wished she had the nerve to tell her husband to leave. A few months later, late at night, she called me but hung up. I didn't know her well, so I never followed up, figuring maybe she was embarrassed and changed her mind. About a year later, she killed herself. To this day when I think of that, it haunts me.

And FYI, we lived in the perfect neighborhood with perfect neighbors. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Only it clearly wasn't. So hang in there. Some of those people may secretly wish they had your strength.

smokenfire posted 6/5/2017 13:35 PM

I was "fortunate" in that my ex had nothing to do with my social circles/activities. Everyone knew I was married and he was never in attendance.

The only "struggle" I found was the fine balance of telling too much. You look angry and bitter and paranoid (my ex is a narcissist) if you tell the actual truth. I settled on "Things didn't work out".

You will get your grove back, it just takes a minute.

Sad in AZ posted 6/5/2017 17:42 PM

If you come from a family group or a culture where D is rare, it's not unusual to feel some shame or embarrassment. Hopefully, it will pass soon if you cultivate good self-esteem. However, if friends shun you, you need to find new friends.

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