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It Just Keeps Getting Worse

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kaygem posted 11/11/2017 23:23 PM

MOB, I don't come to JFO very often (it's too painful) so I am just now catching up on your sad thread.

I want you to know that I've thought of you many times since you first posted. Prayed for you too.

I don't have much to offer that all the more experienced BS's haven't already said but I just want to say that I hear you. I feel for you.

You can get beyond this! You will get out of this horrible situation one day. You deserve so much more than what this lying cheat has given you. Your boys do too.

Your beautiful boys need you. Your love and caring shine through all of your posts. I can tell you are an amazing person that I'd love to know IRL.

Sending hugs to you. Please keep posting, keep us updated with how you are doing.

HappilyUnMarried posted 11/12/2017 16:26 PM

Your story really resonates with me. I went through a similar ordeal... luckily it's been years. It was hell.

My advice? (Note: I didn't follow this advice at first.... but I am giving it to you anyway. I eventually followed it and was finally able to move forward.)

NC. Get him away from you. See a lawyer. Get temporary orders. Change locks. Get him out of your house. You canít see the flames while in the midst of the fire.

There is no way you can move on and see clearly with BH in your life. I, too, was worried about my kids. But BH still got to see the kids after I made him leave the house - maybe even more than before. He just picked them up and dropped them off outside of my house without us having any contact. NC works.

I feel for you, sweet girl. You HAVE to go completely NC. For this to work he has to leave.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:15 PM, November 12th (Sunday)]

MotherofBoys posted 11/12/2017 17:57 PM

This double betrayal bullshit is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen when discovering infidelity. I could handle an affair with someone I donít know and who doesnít know me. She didnít owe me anything. Her motives had nothing to do with me. But THIS is totally different. A friend. Someone I spent time with, confided in, and trusted. Every memory I have with her in it takes on new meaning, and Iíve spent every waking moment of the past week analyzing everything she said or did. Itís absolute torture. And although I know itís pointless, I canít help but want to contact her and ask her about all these different moments Iím remembering. I havenít done it, but I really want to. I also want to write the most hateful, mean-spirited letter I can think of and let her experience the full force of my fury, but I suspect even that wouldnít solve anything or even make me feel better for very long.

In my more calm, logical moments I know that both she and my husband are sick individuals with more issues than People magazine. They used and manipulated each other, as well as their respective spouses. They are both damaged, broken souls who will never get to experience true love or true peace. How these two screwed up individuals managed to find each other and work together to screw up so many other lives is one of the bigger mysteries of our little corner of the world.

My husband and I are apart. We cannot divorce, but I cannot reconcile. For the sake of his children he is going to see a therapist who specializes in his particular needs, and thereís been talk of an in-patient treatment center. He needs to fix himself, but Iím no longer interested in being part of the process.

As for Whorey McSluterson . . . in one of her last whiney emails in which she continued to deny a physical affair, she said she already sees a therapist. I told her she should ask for a refund.

smilethrupain posted 11/12/2017 18:02 PM

I am also n the camp that you can say whatever the hell you want to your husband-fucking frienemy. You story is like mine. My STBXH's affair partner was my super close friend (also his Coworker). When I first found out a year ago, I went off on her as much as I needed to (text/email). She never once even responded back after they had been caught. I dropped it after the first month with only a few slips here and there when I was extremely triggered.. but at the year anniversary of me finding out I sent her an email (with my husband CCd) and basically told her in a cutting email that time doesn't always heal all. That a year later i still find her and her choices absolutely repulsive. That she will never shake the reality that her character isn't any better than that of a gutter rodent.A laid it on pretty thick but kept it factual and didn't go off on any cursing rampage or anything (BTDT). But I told her that I don't ever want what they did to be normalized or minimized as time passes because it will always be the cruelest thing they could have done to two families.

Anyway, where them red or blue pills? This doesn't ever get easier really. Sorry to say. Not for me anyway.

kaygem posted 11/12/2017 22:14 PM

MOB,

You have a supreme amount of self control. If I was dealing with a double betrayal, forget about emails...I'd be dealing with jail time! Want to send a nasty email to the D.I.P.? (disease infested pussy)..GO AHEAD!!! I'd be handing that bitches info. to every black hat hacker in America and telling them to go at it!

The1stWife posted 11/13/2017 07:08 AM

MOB. I understand your pain and anger and frustration in this mess.

I want to save your sanity. And I hope you know this is coming from my heart and trying to be helpful.

The OW is NEVER EVER going to admit they had sex. Not in a million years. She will not have the guts to do it.

You are looking for something she doesnít have the ability or capacity to provide. EVER.

You know they had sex. I understand itís infuriating when you know someone is lying. Hell she knows she is lying.

But she just wonít admit it. NEVER.

I had a woman pretend to be my friend for 4 years while she tried to steal my H. Came to my house blah blah blah. She even tried to get me to ďagreeĒ to a date for them under the guise of ďjust friendsĒ. Still laughing at that one.

I think your energies are better focused elsewhere. You can choose to continue down the same path but I donít believe that you will have a different outcome.

So sorry for you. Cheaters act like children thinking we are stupid enough to believe them. Idiots!!

Used2bhappy10 posted 11/13/2017 08:28 AM

I feel your pain, I've been down some similar paths.

I've been in IC and MC for 6 months gas-lit for a month until I found my proof and WH finally admitted to the full truths from my DDay2, after evidence was discovered with all the gory details.

Your WH is still completely delusional and you cannot do any marital recovery so long as they continue the affair and he still cannot and will not tell truths. All the truths.

One lifesaver for me was the Infidelity Counseling Network.

It is for women, ran by women, that all have been through their own personal hell of their husband's affair. It is a free service (but they accept donations). With running your home and children I imagine free time is scarce, you need emergency help STAT and a voice to reassure you that you will survive, your pain and suffering is real, bring some peace to your nightmare. And baby steps to finding your way again...

Their counselors have all survived infidelity and their DDays were at least 2 years ago. They are trained, experienced, and have many tools to share at their disposal based upon each persons needs and path for recovery. No one can listen, help like them, their personal experience is far different than my professional IC. It gives me balance and insight like nothing else. Books, experience, reading, videos when I needed them.

The ICN foundation comes from the Beyond Affairs Network started by the amazing and beloved Peggy Vaghn. God bless her soul for saving thousands of people, many marriages when there was recovery.

My heart bleeds for you. We are all here for you. PM me if you need to chat.

Used2bhappy10 posted 11/15/2017 15:28 PM

MOB - thinking of you. Can you let us know how you are doing?

THX!

beenthereinco posted 11/15/2017 15:40 PM

Whorey McSluterson

Nice to see your creativity is not suffering through this. That was a good one.

Tearsoflove posted 11/15/2017 16:44 PM

The issue with you continuing the back and forth with her is that it makes her more important than she really is. There's a reason she pretended to be your friend. She was competing with you and getting a secret thrill out of what you didn't know. You can't understand her motives because you are not like her. She can lie easily because she's been doing it for years, quite possibly forever. Do you see that a normal person cannot sneak around with a friend's husband? A normal person cannot act like an aunt to children whose father she is secretly in cahoots with? Normal people feel guilt. She doesn't. Because guilty people don't keep doing what she's been doing. So she will continue to lie and she will also continue to create as much drama as you allow. SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. She never did. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She never was.

None of that takes anything away from who you are or who you were. You were an honest friend and a trusting wife. You were who you were who you were supposed to be. But sometimes there are just bad people in the world and you cannot ever hope to understand them. A woman who comes into your house and acts like family knowing she was doing what she was doing is a bad person. And she will never tell you the truth. A person who was capable of guilt and remorse already would have broken and admitted it. She's never going to because she is getting off on your continued contact in the same way that she got off on sending your husband secret messages. That necklace thing was yet another private joke between the two of them. And, honestly, your husband is a douchebag for continuing this bullshit.

She should be blocked. She should have no outlet for her games. She should be made to feel irrelevant. You are as important in her drama as your husband is. Take yourself out of it even if your husband won't. You need to let go of thinking you will ever understand her motives. She's personality disordered and YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND HER because you will never be like her. Do not give her any more importance. Focus on yourself first and your marriage second. Give yourself some time to heal and really examine whether or not you want to continue a marriage with someone who has been able to perpetrate such a cruel and atrocious act upon someone he made promises to and took vows with and who bore his children. Because if you don't see some true remorse from him and him doing absolutely everything you need to feel safe, you should not be giving him another chance given that his behavior was actually worse than hers given his promises to you. Remember that this is the man teaching your children what a husband is supposed to act like.

While I believe that most people can be redeemed if they truly are remorseful and willing to make every change necessary, I also believe that one must seriously look at how much contempt a spouse who deliberately brings the cheating partner into his family's life and home has shown. Someone who gets off on that type of behavior has added an extra level of cruelty and dishonesty to an already horrendous betrayal. While I'm not saying don't reconcile, I am saying if you do, do so very carefully. Your husband's behavior here is beyond cruel. He's shown you what he's capable of. Don't give any further concern to the OW. She is only as important as you make her. Your concern should be with your husband. There are plenty of other contemptuous and cruel women in the world. He found one kindred spirit in her. Your concern should be with whether or not he'd ever look for another.

MotherofBoys posted 11/15/2017 19:11 PM

Thank you all for your kind words, compassion and wisdom. I have not shared any of this with anyone in my life other than my therapist, so itís nice to be able to tell my story and get some feedback. I appreciate all of it.

I am doing as well as can be expected. Putting on a brave face for my kids and just taking it day by day. I wrote a 12 page letter to Trampy McBackstabber today, but it was more for me than for her. I wonít send it to her, I just needed to get some things off my chest. But youíre absolutely right, sheís not worth any more of my time or energy. I need to focus on things I can control and sheís definitely not one of them.

Tomorrow my husband is off to an intense four hour therapy session where they specialize in sex and porn addiction. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that. He insists that heís going to do whatever it takes to win me back before Iím able to file for divorce next July, but Iím not holding my breath. Without a time machine thereís not much hope.

tushnurse posted 11/16/2017 07:25 AM

Keep writing those letters as you need. I found writing them, then burning them very cathartic.

It got my feelings out, and I knew in my mind and heart giving them to her would change nothing from her side.

Good for you, I see you getting stronger.

((((And Strength))))

MotherofBoys posted 11/17/2017 15:30 PM

I donít really feel stronger. Sometimes I feel really unhinged.

Last night I was talking to my husband, just getting some things off my chest, when I started talking about HER. The more I talked, the more I could feel myself coming unglued. I couldnít even believe the things I was saying, but the rage was burning up inside of me and I couldnít stop it from spewing out. I called her the most horrible names, wished the most horrible things would happen to her, and basically said every nasty thing Iíve been thinking about her for the past two weeks. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks . . . this isnít me!! Iím not this kind of person. I donít say or think these kinds of things about people, especially someone who used to be a friend. And I should be ashamed of myself for thinking and saying them, but I donít. So then I was mad at both of them for an entirely new reason ó theyíve turned me into a seething, hate-filled, rage-monster. Theyíve managed to change the kind of person that I am, and I hate them for it. And now that I see it I know that I have to control it and change it back before it becomes something permanent. I donít want to be this person. I want to be happy, not angry and miserable. This will affect me in a million different ways, none of them good. But at this moment itís just another thing that pisses me off about this whole thing, and I can feel that rage-monster slowly creeping back in.

sadtoo posted 11/17/2017 16:47 PM

Iím so sorry youíre going through this. You have been so betrayed.

I donít know if you will ever know the entire truth. And the further along you trudge through this sludge called infidelity, the less youíll care.

It sounds like you may be close to the truth from your WS. But as far as hearing it from the AP? Probably never going to happen. She is going to cling to her lie of ďno sexĒ until the cows come home. Her BS is probably the type who has said throughout their marriage, ďIf you ever cheat, that will be the end and youíll get nothing.Ē Or something similar.

Youíre right. Try not to let the anger get the best of you. Try to rise above it. Itís tough. I know.

If you feel weak, you could always put a big sign in her front yard that says ďA HOME WRECKING SLUT LIVES HERE!!Ē

Make sure to put a light on it.

Used2bhappy10 posted 11/17/2017 17:40 PM

MOB the rage and hatred you feel are completely normal. It is interesting that the rage and the hatred you feel for her is also as often redirected rage and hate you have of your husband right now but he is also someone you love. She is NOT!

A woman I have never seen, met, talked with. Yet as a co-worker (COW) she shared the love of my husband's touch, mouth and penis ... and I did not know in the least while it was going on. Her husband washed her semen filled underwear, unbeknownst to him, she SEXTED with my husband while lying in her young son's bed, soothing him and talking sex positions she wanted the next opportunity she saw my husband. She is a no good sperm urinal slunt. Pursued him until she could readily and easily spread her legs.

I have never in my life hated a person as much as I do the AP.

I am slowly regaining happiness, but I am now eight months out. My husband is putting in a shit ton of work to regain my love and trust again. Slow coming.

Trust me that Karma is a bitch and will get her down the road in ways she truly deserves and more. Trust me!

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 5:50 PM, November 17th, 2017 (Friday)]

sinsof thefather posted 11/18/2017 02:25 AM

I called her the most horrible names, wished the most horrible things would happen to her, and basically said every nasty thing Iíve been thinking about her for the past two weeks. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks . . . this isnít me!! Iím not this kind of person. I donít say or think these kinds of things about people, especially someone who used to be a friend. And I should be ashamed of myself for thinking and saying them, but I donít. So then I was mad at both of them for an entirely new reason ó theyíve turned me into a seething, hate-filled, rage-monster. Theyíve managed to change the kind of person that I am, and I hate them for it.
What was your husband's response to this?

MotherofBoys posted 11/19/2017 09:41 AM

He just sat there and took it. Like he should.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/20/2017 12:13 PM

MOB, the actions taken by your WH and your friend cause you to be angry, which is very natural. You should be angry at their betrayal. However, before you call yourself a monster, I have a few questions.

1. Has this happened often? I think everyone who has been through this deserves an opportunity to blow up and vent their frustrations. If it is a first time, don't be too hard on yourself. If this is becoming a pattern, then you it's good you recognize the problem.

2. Are you in IC? If I missed it I apologize. I know my IC was very good and he really helped.

3. Are you more angry at the OW than your WH? If so, why? I'm sure it is harder for you because the AP was a friend. And I understand why you would be mad at the friend. But she didn't break vows to you. Are you directing the anger for him at her also? You can cut her out of your life much easier than WH.

4. Did you expose the A? If not, are you angry at her because you feel you are "stuck" protecting her?

MotherofBoys posted 11/20/2017 16:21 PM

TigersRule77,

1. Often? No, but more than I like. When it happens I feel like the Hulk. I canít seem to control it. I wouldnít be surprised to look in the mirror and see myself turning green.

2. I am in IC and it is helping. I told my therapist all of this. Sheís very supportive.

3. I donít believe I am angrier at her than him, but Iíve had multiple opportunities to confront him in person. She lives 3 hours away now and while I have confronted her through text and email, I havenít spoken to her face to face. Also, the last time we ďspokeĒ she was still denying the physical aspect of the affair. While my rat-bastard husband has owned up to the destruction he has caused, she was playing the part of the innocent and wronged. Finally, the last thing she wrote was, ďMy friendship toward you was genuine.Ē That she has the nerve to say that makes my blood boil!!!!!

4. I have not exposed the affair except to her husband who Iím sure sheís lying to. Iím not protecting her or my husband. Iím protecting my children and I know that itís the right thing to do. But, yes, it pisses me off that because of my desire to protect the actual innocents, sheís getting off scott free. Thatís probably not entirely true, but it feels true.

1Faith posted 11/20/2017 16:30 PM

I have not exposed the affair except to her husband who Iím sure sheís lying to

What is the downside of contacting the other BS and letting him know all that you know?

IMO, she needs to also face the consequences of her actions as well. And her BH deserves to know who he is sharing his life with. Wouldn't you want him to tell you if he found out first?

MOB - you ARE strong, your ARE courageous, be MIGHTY and don't settle.

Do what is right for YOU and your beautiful family.

(((God Bless)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:53 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

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