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Too much pain and sorrow

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Stevesn posted 10/1/2017 06:31 AM

Arboum

I feel for you and your family. I am glad you got at least a modicum of respect back from her in at least telling you that she feels she has misstepped.

Nobody is perfect in their marriage however the proper response to having issues or feeling unhappy was not for her to place her love elsewhere it was for her to say ďI love you but weíre in trouble, will you work with me on this?Ē

But you have a good head on your shoulders. You can see that this is coming from being faced with the finality of the signing this week.

As you realize, life in one way or another happens even after divorce. Take time for yourself after signing the papers. I canít remember if you are in IC but it can be helpful to set you up for the future.

Perhaps the 2 of you can have a relationship in the future. Perhaps a friendship. If she works on herself in IC perhaps even a romance someday.

But it canít happen with the person she is right now.

Iím sorry for the loss of your past. Iím happy for your future.

Take care of yourself and those kids and keep letting us know how you are doing (and supporting others who come here seaking help).

M1965 posted 10/1/2017 06:47 AM

arbuom,

Reality hits people in different ways, particularly if they have been living in la-la land, as many waywards do. It looks like the reality of your wife's actions have finally hit home with her.

Sometimes, to prevent themselves feeling guilt, or to justify an affair, a wayward will build up a grudge against their spouse, or make a big mental pile of the spouse's perceived faults. From following your thread, it looks like that was what your wife has done, and what has sustained her so far. That is not to say that you were 'perfect', none of us are, and you have taken on board the things your wife said could have been better. However, I think that now the divorce is finally here, your wife is realising that a real parting of the ways is coming, and that the same family situation that you love is coming to an end for her too.

Also, because the divorce means you will be apart, and she no longer needs the mental bag of your faults that she used to justify the affair to herself and distance herself from you emotionally, I think the process of slowly releasing that in her mind is leading her to realise that you are not such a bad guy after all. She doesn't have to hold anything against you anymore...And guess what? Once she stops making the effort to dislike you (for want of a better term), she is starting to understand that she is losing a decent guy who loved her. And the reality of that is clearly dawning on her now.

I think that because she spent so long building up her bag of reasons for having the affair, and then maintaining it, the process of releasing them is likely to take a while too. So what you are seeing is the start of that process, as your wife starts trickle-truthing both herself and you. I think living alone will truly remove the last of the fantasy world of the affair, and she will see the reality she has created for herself.

It is no wonder this change in her has hit you the way it has. It has given you flashes of who she used to be in your relationship. However, I think you are right that she is not a candidate for reconciliation at the moment. Whether she can become one...Only time will tell. To be honest, I think the process of divorce and living alone will bring some much needed clarity to your wife, like a mental detox/rehab process, and that is essential if she is ever going to be worthy of reconciliation. And for you, it will bring closure to a year-long journey that has been painful and exhausting.

As for the future, time will have to pass for both of you to acclimatize to the new situation, and who you are as a result of it. Post-divorce reconciliation is a possibility, but if you choose to go that route, please do make 100% sure that your wife is ready for it. And also yourself.

goalong posted 10/1/2017 07:34 AM

what are your family especially In Laws saying. What is the situation regarding the free loading POSOM. Looks like her fantasy about him has fractured. Still looks like she is vying for herself by pretending to take the upper road to leave a good impression on her cheating self.
Hope your kids are not happy about her actions which broke up the family

Wool94 posted 10/1/2017 17:48 PM

No flaming here. Sounds like you got a little of what you needed. Still praying for you!

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 03:59 AM

Stevesn

From early on, in this thread, you have always been there to support me. I don't think I have the words to give my gratitude to you justice. Thank you for being there, I really appreciate it.

I'm finally going into IC this coming week, and I think I've found a good one (this has been a struggle). A doctor friend of a friend, who's part of a renowned local hospital, has put me in touch with a clinical psychologist that specializes in emotional injury. I spoke to her on the phone and really liked her. She initially said that she was not taking on new patients (she teaches at the local university as well), and that she would help me find someone else. But came back a week later and said that if I was flexible with time, she agree to take me on. I'm thrilled about that!

Another interesting tidbit about IC, it seems STBX is finally acknowledging the pain and suffering that I went through. ANd is hoping that I would somehow find it in my heart to forgive her. She asked me to do it for myself, and that it would really help in my healing from the pain she inflicted on me!

[This message edited by arbuom at 4:00 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 04:29 AM

M1965

I must have read your post about 50 times. You are a good soul. I've read your long posts in other threads, and your dedication to helping us is greatly appreciated. Thank you!


Also, because the divorce means you will be apart, and she no longer needs the mental bag of your faults that she used to justify the affair to herself and distance herself from you emotionally, I think the process of slowly releasing that in her mind is leading her to realise that you are not such a bad guy after all. She doesn't have to hold anything against you anymore...And guess what? Once she stops making the effort to dislike you (for want of a better term), she is starting to understand that she is losing a decent guy who loved her. And the reality of that is clearly dawning on her now.

This is so true! I'm seeing it.

For the longest time, I've actually wondered if STBX actually hates me. Everything she did clearly indicated that. For the first time in a year, I'm starting to see glimpses of her caring/loving old self. And I did love her, will all my heart.

One other thing she told me, was that she hasn't even had time to think about what her life will be like without me. She claims to have been consumed with worrying about me, and not about herself. Worrying about me eating dinner alone, and other things...

It is no wonder this change in her has hit you the way it has. It has given you flashes of who she used to be in your relationship. However, I think you are right that she is not a candidate for reconciliation at the moment. Whether she can become one...Only time will tell. To be honest, I think the process of divorce and living alone will bring some much needed clarity to your wife, like a mental detox/rehab process, and that is essential if she is ever going to be worthy of reconciliation. And for you, it will bring closure to a year-long journey that has been painful and exhausting.

Again, you've hit the nail right on the head.

I have certainly been overwhelmed with flashbacks of the incredibly caring and loving woman I married. And what made matters worse, we are deep into de-cluttering and packing in prep for the house sale, and I came across a box full of cards and letters from her. I was definitely shopping for pain when I read them, but holy shit, this woman loved me more than anything in the world!

Post-divorce reconciliation is a possibility, but if you choose to go that route, please do make 100% sure that your wife is ready for it.

I have definitely made that promise to myself! The only way for us to get back together is when I really feel that she's made it her life goal to win my love again...

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 04:44 AM

goalong

what are your family especially In Laws saying. What is the situation regarding the free loading POSOM. Looks like her fantasy about him has fractured. Still looks like she is vying for herself by pretending to take the upper road to leave a good impression on her cheating self.
Hope your kids are not happy about her actions which broke up the family

Her parents are staying completely out of it. Not by choice though, she has asked them to. I know that my FIL is completely devastated and is in really bad shape. He loves me dearly (and so do I), and we will both miss each other terribly. We had a standing breakfast date, twice a month, where we go out and have a great time talking about business, and politics.

I don't know much about POSOM, but I'm coming for him as soon as I'm done with STBX. This should make Sharkman happy, I plan on contacting OBS and telling her everything. I also have a copy of the book her scumbag gave my wife to give her. I'm also going to contact a good old friend (she is a mom at that school), she used to hang out with STBX and POSOM around the school. I want all the moms who think POSOM is a "nice" guy to know that he is a scumbag.

Our kids are too young for this shit. They love their mom, and she has been an incredible mom to them. I doubt I will ever tell them. But never say never...

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 04:45 AM

Wool94

Thanks for all the encouragement and support, it means the world to me!

Sharkman posted 10/2/2017 05:34 AM

Arb,

You assuredly feel like sh*t right now but that vengeance is what I like to see!!!

Doesnít it seem so contradictory saying something so anti-bilixal is good? Well it is (in healthy doses, which is definitely what youíre roadmapping)

Why do I love it? Because youíve been a victim for too damn fucking long. Itís that glimmer of hate in a beaten wifeís eye that, after being kicked and punched for years, sparks her to finally punch back. Infidelity is like the first four rounds of any Rocky fight. You get the bloody piss knocked out of you until three things happen :

1. You decide now is the time you stop taking punches and you start giving punches
2. Nobody is going to punch that bad guy but you
3. You can be take as many punches are the other guy throws but you are sure as shit not going to get knocked out.

Knowing when to stop punching is also important, but not while youíre in JFO. For now youíve backed into a corner fighting your way out. And youíre almost out.

SorrowfulMoon posted 10/2/2017 06:40 AM

Hi arbuom,

I just read your thread yesterday. As I was reading the early posts I was just shaking my head pleading with you to change course and actively fight for your marriage. Your passiveness just made the journey of pain inevitable.

I know I am now preaching to the converted but the only way to deal with your situation was to get out of infidelity. You rug sweeping and her gas lighting was so classic that in other circumstances it would have been funny.

The contrast now, with the help of this forum, is amazing. You have done and are doing really well. I hope you continue to recover from this nightmare inflicted on you by your wife.

I am pleased she is encouraging you to seek therapy with an IC. Her pathway may well reflect yours but she too needs an IC. She has a very long way to go before she is even a safe co-parent, never mind a potential future partner.

The great thing is you have now empowered yourself by your actions. You are now in control. You make the decisions and you understand what is required to make those decisions; again because of the help of so many good members of this forum and hopefully a good IC.

Yes, do go after the POSOM and contact OBS because he deserves it and it is the right thing to do.

Good luck.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 6:42 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Bigger posted 10/2/2017 08:01 AM

Arbuom,

Second thoughts and doubts are OK. They are to be expected.

M1965 is spot-on regarding the resentment and feeding the resentment. This is exactly why I always advocate avoiding pointless arguments and confrontation with a WS. Way back on page 3 on your ongoing story I posted this:

Then walk away. Go watch your favorite program or make a sandwich. She comes along and says you are too controlling:
ďI am sorry you feel that way. If we were working at our marriage, then this is something we could address in MC. Since you are committed to your affair then there isnít any need for us to address this issue.Ē
No matter what she accuses you of the above is the standard answer. No matter what. You do NOT enter arguments.
She tells you she wants the Merc, the Cadillac and the house: ďI am too emotionally attached to this marriage. Direct all your suggestions to my attorney Mr. I Eatsharks of Eatsharks, Grizzlykiller and S. Windler, attorneys at law.Ē
She tells you that you arenít being fair: : ďI am too emotionally attached to this marriage. Direct all your suggestions to my attorney Mr. I Eatsharks of Eatsharks, Grizzlykiller and S. Windler, attorneys at law.Ē

The goal of the above advice is PRECISELY to defuse whatever excuse the WS uses to justify his/her anger. You never reply in anger, you never reply with an argument. You simply reply with an appropriate answer that fits with where you are going. She is free to have her opinion, she is free to voice it, but YOU are keeping your course.

There is a quote attributed to the Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus that goes something like ďa dog tied to a wagon headed for Athens can strain at the leash, but will still end in AthensĒ. If a betrayed spouse sets his (reasonable) terms and then sets off on the journey out of infidelity he becomes that wagon.
Your spouse becomes that dog that might strain at the leash but will eventually follow you out of infidelity. If it strains the destination is divorce. Divorce inevitably ends infidelity because there is no longer an expectation of fidelity. Arguing with the dog is pointless because you have your destination and arguing wonít change that.
If the dog runs with the wagon rather than strain at the leash, then the destination stays the same Ė you are getting out of infidelity Ė but the path to the destination might change. You might take the path of reconciliation rather than divorce.

I personally donít believe in the divorce first then reconcile school of thought. I take divorce seriously and I think itís way too common that people donít really understand divorce. For example: for the kids to accept mom and dad are divorced is tough, trying to understand they are dating and then maybe together or maybe notÖ I think a clean break is best for all involved and the most honest approach to divorce. I think accepting and grasping its finality is a MAJOR factor.

If you have ANY DOUBT, then I urge you to consider this: You have done the heavy lifting. As you state then all that is left is the formal signing of the divorce decree. There is really no timeline for that. It wonít make a significant difference if you sign next week or 4 weeks from now. The process wonít restart, you wonít go to the back of the line. You two have the financial agreement in place, the custody and all that. Agreeing to delay the formal signing for a predefined SHORT period to get 100% assurance is totally acceptable in my books.
ButÖ it must have a goal.

IF you have second doubts and IF your wife is willing to commit to R then MAYBE itís OK to delay the formal signing for 2 weeks where you both actively work (preferably with guidance from a third party) to establish what is needed to reconcile. If those 2 weeks are productive then with the guidance of an attorney see if you can reach an agreement that the divorce terms stand unchanged for 6 months. At that point you can either cancel the divorce or extend the terms for another 6 months.

The above is just an idea. I get some sense that you arenít completely happy with divorce and I donít want you to feel forced into it. If you sign that dotted line, then itís because you WANT TO Ė not because you were forced to. As my mentor, Epictetus is quoted to have said: "If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

Finally: Repeated research on divorce indicates that up to 70% regret divorcing when asked 12 months post-d and say the problems could have been overcome. The same research also shows that 18 months post-divorce about 80% are happy with their decision to divorce. Itís a long and complex journey.

Finally finally: Revenge has no place in dealing with infidelity and least of all once you are OUT of infidelity. It only keeps you stuck in the rut.

M1965 posted 10/2/2017 08:26 AM

arbuom,

Many thanks for your kind words. I am always hopeful that something I write may help people who are going through the hell of infidelity, and if some of it has helped you, I am very pleased to have been able to to do that. The funny thing is, I came to these forums only intending to read, to try and figure my lingering issues out, because my experiences of being the victim of infidelity happened so long ago that it hardly seemed appropriate to post in 'Just Found Out'. I started posting because there are so many compelling stories here, and so many people reaching out for help, insight, etc, that it felt wrong not to chip in. I wish these forums had been around when I was stumbling through my own experiences and making a mess of them, but such is life. I still haven't figured myself out, but thinking about all the different threads is definitely giving me a better perspective on things, so I am getting a lot out of it.

I really think you are on the right track, given the things that were effectively forced on you by your wife's actions. You didn't want this, but now it has happened, you are doing the right thing.

For what it's worth, I completely agree with your intentions re. the POSOM. You are not proposing anything extreme or violent. His wife should know all about what has been going on, so she knows who and what she is living with, and also that she needs to keep her attention on him in case he intends to take the affair forward. Why should anyone continue to think he's a nice guy? So yes, arbuom, do make him and his deeds 'famous', so there will be many eyes watching him in future. If you know any other Dads with kids at the school, you may want to warn them to watch out for the guy going after their wives or girlfriends. I have very little tolerance for proven homewreckers, and believe they should be 'outed' and identified for the ongoing threat they pose to the well-being of others. And when you have done what you need to do to get closure, walk away, and let that be that.

On a different note, I honestly think there is no reason why you and your FIL cannot continue your breakfasts and discussions. You are two independent individuals, and once the divorce has gone through, and you and your wife are living apart, why shouldn't you and your FIL pursue your friendship if you like each other. Maybe your wife 'ordered' or asked her parents to stay out of things in the run up to the divorce, but once it is a done deal, where is the harm in you and your FIL meeting up and talking?

The only thing I can see that might motivate your wife to not want you and her Dad to get together is that perhaps she has given her parents a version of events that is different to reality, and she does not want you telling her Dad the truth. However, I do think this enforced break between you and your FIL is wrong, because you like each other as individuals, and would probably have been friends anyway if you had just met at work, at a social event, or whatever.

The thing is, you are divorcing your wife, not her Dad, and she needs to get her head around that and not break up a friendship. She has broken up more than enough as it is. However, you are 'Johnny on the spot', and I'm sure you wouldn't want to make trouble for your FIL, and you will know the best way to play things. I just think it's a shame that your friendship with the guy has to become a victim of the affair.

As I say, I can think of no reason for that other than your wife has given her parents a bullsh*t version of events that she does not want contradicted. However, if you know where your FIL hangs out, maybe you can bump into him 'accidentally' and keep the subject of your conversations away from stuff related to the divorce. I am sure it is that topic that your wife does not want discussed, but even if she has painted herself to be innocent and whiter than white, it really isn't crucial to your friendship with her Dad to set the record straight, is it? In fact, doing that would put him in an awkward position, and for what real gain? So maybe this 'ban' on the friendship can be lifted if you tell your wife that the divorce and what led up to it are not going to be discussed. Heck, there are many better things for you to talk to your FIL about anyway, aren't there? I'll leave it up to you, but I think that friendship is worth fighting for.

Take care, arbuom.

M.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:46 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Bigger posted 10/2/2017 08:44 AM

This is a normal part of dealing with infidelity and Auburn should have done this AGES ago. The reason being that it impacts OMW directly and helps her in deciding her future. I have no issue with this:


I plan on contacting OBS and telling her everything. I also have a copy of the book her scumbag gave my wife to give her.

The belowÖ Itís revenge. All you can tell them is that OM and the ex-wife were friends. They are just as likely to think you overreacted and therefore the ex wife is better off without Arbuom:

I'm also going to contact a good old friend (she is a mom at that school), she used to hang out with STBX and POSOM around the school. I want all the moms who think POSOM is a "nice" guy to know that he is a scumbag.

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 08:57 AM

Sharkman

you got my back, buddy!

SorrowfulMoon

Thanks for the support.

As I've mentioned once before, a back story to the situation doesn't often come through a BS's cry for help. When I read my story, I shake my head too, but I've spent 13 years with my STBX and that woman was pure gold. There was no way in hell (and there are details about her that I prefer not to discuss) she could have ever betrayed me! It takes time to comprehend what your brain is refusing to accept. I often give the example of someone telling you that this car is black, and for 13 years you've believed that it was black, and then one day, you are told that no, it's actually blue!

The good news is that I have finally accepted that it's blue.

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 08:58 AM

Bigger

You always make it hard for me, but like Iíve always said, I really appreciate that about you!

And when I said

I realize that I will get heat for this

It was meant to look like it was for the general public, but that message was intended for you.

With that out of the way, I should clarify. It seems I always have to when you are involved. You keep it real. And Iím sorry for not being clear.

The papers we are signing this week, are not the divorce papers, but the separation agreement. Furthermore, there is a one year wait period before we can divorce. There is also a 90 day period post signing the separation agreement where we can reconcile, and the separation agreement becomes null and void. So to address your concern, there is HUGE wiggle room if we need one. But I doubt we will.

You say:

I get some sense that you arenít completely happy with divorce and I donít want you to feel forced into it.

Yes and no. I wouldnít be happy if I felt there was any chance of saving this. And believe me, there is nothing in the world that I want more right now, than to be in my wifeís arms. But she is giving me nothing to hold on to! Sure, sheís finally accepted some responsibility for what happened, but thatís a far cry from fighting to get me back in her life. She said she was sorry, but she also wondered when the house would sell in the same breath. Iíve held on for too long. I became a doormat. I canít hold on anymore. Iím broken (Iím also crying). From what I can tell, that wagon is going to athens and the dog is not even attached to.

Finally finally: Revenge has no place in dealing with infidelity and least of all once you are OUT of infidelity. It only keeps you stuck in the rut.

Always the voice the reason.

[This message edited by arbuom at 9:02 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Bigger posted 10/2/2017 09:06 AM

But she is giving me nothing to hold on to!

This is the million-dollar issue. If she gives nothing you have nothing to give back. Plain and simple.
If anything, then I have always advocated a purely logical approach to dealing with infidelity. If she is not acknowledging this as an affair, then there isnít any need to aim at R.

I think the reason she doesnít acknowledge this as an affair is a refusal to understand the concept of emotional infidelity. Itís easier to acknowledge an inappropriate ďfriendshipĒ than to admit to an emotional betrayal of the marriage.

If you sign a separation agreement then adhere to it. Donít spend more time at the old house (I am assuming your wife stays there to begin with) than needed. Donít do family-stuff. Donít expect her to do the laundry or your meals. Donít cook for her. Donít fix her car. Donít ask her where she is going. Donít tell her what you are doing. Make the true effects of separation clear both to you and your wife.

Stevesn posted 10/2/2017 09:48 AM

Hey Arb

Thanks for the update on how the paperwork is processed. I am sorry you have to wait a whole year for D but it is what it is.

I tried to read back thru your thread to get a reminder of your status but couldnít piece it all together.

- is WW living with POSOM?
- is she living with you and dating / shacking up somewhere with him on the weekends or something like that?
- is OBS divorcing POSOM? Either way she deserves to know whatís happening from your end.
- if I remember correctly OBS said your WW could have the cheating bastard or something like that as this is not his first time stepping out on her.
- if I remember right your kids are now at a different school than POSOMs kids. Do I have that right?

If so, I agree with M1965. I donít think itís revenge to expose his ways. But Iíd tell the husbands of every family you know still at the same school. ďWW and I are separating and probably divorcing because she and POSOM had an affair. His wife told me this is not the first time he has done this so watch this guy and have a frank discussion with your wife about this. Please dont make the same mistakes I didĒ.

If this was someone else going thru this youíd want to know the same thing. Youíd be mad if you could have been warned about the guy and werenít and then something happened down the line.

I really donít understand where your WWs head is at right now. Seems like itís somewhere between full on A and remorse. But clearly no where near where it needs to be to make a difference in saving your M.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:51 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

arbuom posted 10/2/2017 11:07 AM

Stevesn

Thanks for asking about the status, that was actually very hard to read, but I promise you that no offense was taken. This should bring better perspective.

I know it's hard to believe considering all the horrific tales of other WS's on here, but STBX is no where near what you ask or describe. I actually believe (and I know some will think I'm naive), that STBX and POSOM have probably never touched! This was purely an emotional affair, and somewhat guarded on her part. And I believe it got to where it did because POSOM was a professional.

So to answer your questions:

- No absolutely not, she isn't living with the POSOM. Actually, in the past year there wasn't one night where we didn't sleep in the same bed. And I know you guys will freak, but we are still sleeping in the same bed. Fucked up I know, but we both feel there is no reason not to. That is until we walk our separate ways of course. My relationship with her is still excellent, and that's how we've managed to negotiate a separation in 2 weeks flat. No courts, no pain, no fighting. It's all about the kids, that's the least we can do for them. Actually, STBX still does my laundry, cooks dinner, buys the things I like from the grocery store, and much more...

- Nope as well. Actually, lately she hasn't even been leaving the house! She's in pretty bad shape, and I'm worried about her. She's not eating. And has dropped below a 100lb. Scary.

- I don't know anything about POSOM/OBS. But I will soon find out.

- I don't think the OBS said that he has cheated before (if you recall, it was my mom that spoke to her), but it sounded like she was fed up with him.

- Yes. The kids have been in a different school (about 10 miles away) since April 1st.

I'm really torn about telling my old friend (the mom at the school). See, her and her husband are dear friends to me from before even meeting STBX (we rode motorcycles together for years before the children came). And STBX has become close to this mom after we got married. I really feel that telling her will really fuck up my relationship with STBX, and I don't give a damn about STBX, but it's the kids that I think about. The best thing for them is for me to have a good relationship with their mom. I agree with Bigger, it would be revenge. I've always regretted revenge after the fact.

I have no fucking idea where her head is at either! especially lately! I'm certain that POSOM is not in the picture. but I could be wrong. And the best part is that I don't care anymore. Every time I catch myself wondering, I quickly snap out of it, and say who gives a fuck. Believe it or not, it actually gives me anxiety now to think about R, because I start to wonder if POSOM is still in the picture.

One last thing I want to say. It seem from the above that I'm not moving on, but believe me I am! I've already told STBX that after we walk our separate ways, she needs to give me space. I don't want her to call me (unless it's an emergency relating to the kids), I don't want to see her, I want nothing to do with her. And it's driving her crazy. I told her that when the right comes, I will make contact with her. But right now, I need to grieve this is fucking horrific loss that she dealt me...

-Arb

RubixCubed posted 10/2/2017 11:09 AM

If this was someone else going thru this youíd want to know the same thing. Youíd be mad if you could have been warned about the guy and werenít and then something happened down the line.

Stevesn and M1965 nailed this. Bigger, being the SI legend that he is, gives incredible advice but seems to consider exposure as revenge. Warning other people of a predator is not revenge, it is common decency. Reverse the roles, wouldn't you want to be warned so you could be on guard? There is empathy in that. There is no empathy in being complicit in their affair and helping them hide it, as a matter of fact, that is just selfish.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 11:11 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Stevesn posted 10/2/2017 13:43 PM

Thanks for taking the time to answer those questions Arb, I am so glad you have found peace in the approach you are taking.

I do struggle to wrap my head around it all as your experience does not to me appear to be cookie cutter like some of the others stories we hear at SI.

If I have it right you are sure sheís had an EA with POSOM but she doesnít admit to PA and you tend to believe that.

Believe me the EA is enough. And more BSís should realize like you that an EA is equal to or perhaps even more damaging than a PA. So I donít doubt at all the approach youre taking. kudos in fact for being able to see her betrayal for what it is.

However you donít believe she is in the EA anymore and are unsure that she will Even end up with him (as he may even still be married and not planning to D) after your Separation or Divorce is complete.

My confusion is with her. Is she just too stubborn to admit the pain she thrust upon you and is willing to give up the M and you just on principle? Or is it that she wants out of the marriage for her alone for unknown reasons and not to be with any future partner? So strange, as I said I canít wrap my head around it all.

If I had done what she did, and no longer was involved with the AP, I would be begging my BS to stay and professing my love for her.

Maybe itís because you and I and all of us here donít have a wayward mind that we cannot comprehend it.

Sorry I probably made you feel bad here when I wanted to compliment you on such advanced thinking.

I am so impressed by you even as I am so perplexed by her.

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