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Too much pain and sorrow

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Jduff posted 10/6/2017 02:14 AM

and her not wanting to the laundry just sounded like entitlement!

There it is. That's your "why". She feels entitled to have an EA boyfriend. That's why she doesn't feel she did anything wrong with the OM.

Now her "why" is figuring out why she feels "entitled" to anything at all. Being a spoiled little princess is certainly a part of it. It's in her family of origin.


arbuom posted 10/6/2017 03:41 AM

OrdinaryDude

So what will become of the marital home?

Selling?

Yes. The house is going on the market a week today.

Originally I was planning on staying here until the house sale closed, but I'm not doing myself any favors by staying here. It's fucking me up in a big way. I'm just delaying the inevitable, and I might as well just move on and start the healing the process. Also, this house that I found made me imagine happier times there. It's completely open concept with 12ft. ceilings, which is something I love.

Yesterday morning she asked for a hug, and I turned her down.

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 03:52 AM

I had my first IC session yesterday morning.

It was incredible! I've finally found a great therapist! And no surprise, this woman is a PHD clinical psychologist that teaches at one of the top universities in the country, and gives lectures on emotional injury.

She basically said that what I experienced this past year was emotional abuse of the worst kind, and she commended me on having the strength to get myself out of a really bad situation. She also said that if we had done marriage counseling with her, she would have told STBX that she was having an EA and she needs to stop! This in contrast to the MC that thought my STBX was entitled to male friends, and the IC that told me to give her more time before deciding to divorce!

I was feeling great all day yesterday, and I still am. I'm having good days, and they even seem to be more than the bad ones. If this trend continue, I'm well on my way to recovery...

-Arb

Western posted 10/6/2017 04:05 AM

this is why I would never do MC because so many of them get it completely wrong.

Glad you have a great IC. IC can be very useful

Booyah posted 10/6/2017 05:34 AM

How are your kids doing?

What have they been told as to what's going on (why mom and dad are splitting up)?

Sharkman posted 10/6/2017 06:12 AM

Arb - remember how we told you that you were at absolute bottom and it was only uphill from there? Do you feel that 1% better now?

I want to be very very clear - itís because youíve worked your ass off. You didnít *have* to go get an IC, but you did. Youíre definitely going to be OK.

Chappie posted 10/6/2017 07:06 AM

It may just be me but I am often nostalgic,in a good way. Ironically,I think your wife will be nostalgic every time she has to do her own laundry. Every time she loads the washer she is going to think of you and how she misses you. Even though she may never admit it. The little things one doesn't think about will always be there.

Happy about your house. We're in home building and love happy customers. Quality keeps them happy. That reminds me of what I have been thinking of your situation the last few days.

It's all about the doors. As the door closes on your marriage, the number of doors opening for you is as infinite as you wish to make them. Strikingly, a poster awhile back wrote about how much better his relationship with his kids had become. Though he wasn't with them everyday, when they were together the time they spent together was much better and they had grown much closer. I hope this happens to you too.

I read yet another reference to the fact men seek out nice women. According to the study though, women were not attracted to nice men. So be nice, just not too nice! Hahahaha

Jduff posted 10/6/2017 11:37 AM

arbuom, that's really good news that you can have access to quality IC with an expert in the field of infidelity.

Like Western said, going to an MC off the bat is a mistake. Seeing an MC first is like calling EMT to the scene of a burning house and having them treat the victims before they are rescued from the flames. IC is like the fire department.

Another note, my XW did the whole hug bit with me as well. She claimed it was to help me feel better about the situation. Truth is, it helped her more to feel less than a world class bitch to throw pity my way. Glad you are going to shut that down with your STBXW.

sudra posted 10/6/2017 12:26 PM

I'm glad you found a good counselor. It really helps to have your feelings validated.

MidnightRun posted 10/6/2017 12:31 PM

Arb,

Do you excercise?

Move a muscle, change a thought.

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 19:07 PM

Booyah

The kids are doing ok. I think the fact that we are still family and acting like a family, they don't quite get it. The 6 year old doesn't really understand, and the 9 year is concerned, but he seems to be accepting the situation. They are both way too young to be dragged into this. So the story they were told was that mommy and daddy are having grown-up problems and we are unable to fix them, so we are divorcing.

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 19:14 PM

Sharkman

You've had my back all along, and I appreciate that. I was feeling great all day yesterday, and most of today. My IC really helped yesterday and I think I was on a high. But then I triggered this afternoon when I found that STBX had thrown all our wedding pictures in the garbage. Believe me when I say that I don't really care about the pictures, actually, my STBX and I have never been sentimental. We actually got a wedding phtographer, and never ordered any photos! The ones she threw out were the proofs. But I don't know why that really depressed me, and made me really miss her!?

It seems these days I'm either ragging, or really sad and missing the good times that we had together. I'm glad that it seems the ragging days are more than the sad ones, lets hope that trend continues. I'm hating this rollercoaster that I'm on.

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 19:19 PM

Chappie

Thank you buddy!

I'm really hoping that a better life awaits me. I'm glad the door to my marriage closed, because I've been in a lot of pain and I still am. I hope to get this place I was talking about, that would certainly be a new door opening for me.

And although I might come across as the "nice guy", I not perfect by any stretch of the imagination :)

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 19:26 PM

Jduff

Another note, my XW did the whole hug bit with me as well. She claimed it was to help me feel better about the situation. Truth is, it helped her more to feel less than a world class bitch to throw pity my way. Glad you are going to shut that down with your STBXW.

You always make me feel better, brother! I knew that those hugs were a disguise to help her not feel guilty. It's interesting, I'm not sure what happened, but she seemed to be over ridden with guilt, not eating, and in pretty bad shape, and now she is suddenly completely over it, acting happy and not giving a shit. I suspect she is back in touch with POSOM. But whatever it is, I'm glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore...

I really appreciate the support that you have given, brother!

MickeyBill2016 posted 10/6/2017 19:26 PM

"But then I triggered this afternoon when I found that STBX had thrown all our wedding pictures in the garbage. Believe me when I say that I don't really care about the pictures, actually, my STBX and I have never been sentimental.... But I don't know why that really depressed me, and made me really miss her!?"

That was her goal, to get under your skin.
It is ironic for her to do that since she is the one who had the affair. If anyone was going to make such a F U gesture it should have been you!

arbuom posted 10/6/2017 19:30 PM

MidnightRun

Thank goodness for exercise! I'm a pretty hardcore cyclist. The year before this fucking shitty one, I managed about 9 thousand miles. This past year has obviously been bad, and still is, but I'm managing about 80 miles a week. Not great, but it gets me out there, and helps me clear my mind.

toby posted 10/6/2017 21:32 PM

Expect the manipulation to escalate. Protect yourself so you wonít be blindsided. Itís coming! And I can guarantee you that her next move will involve what you hold most dear. Donít let your guard down!

M1965 posted 10/7/2017 01:57 AM

Arbuom,

It is good to hear that you are having good days and feeling the benefit of being released from the awful year you have endured. Triggering and bad days go with the territory, but they will reduce as time passes.

Sometimes we can get so tied up in the fine detail that we forget to step back and look at the bigger picture. Twelve years ago, it was right to marry the person that your wife was back then. Now, it is right for you to be away from the person your wife has become. She may well have always had traits of entitlement or selfishness, but you only see the rough edges of those qualities now that she is comfortable showing them to you. Once a person is comfortable doing that, it is better to be away from them than to be with them, because they will just continue to hurt you.

I am not clairvoyant, but I am confident to make a prediction about your future. Of all the feelings and emotions that you have experienced during this past year, gratitude has probably not been amongst them. However, it will be.

You see, the day will come when you have met a new woman. You will have chosen carefully, you will not have rushed into things, you will not have made an idol of her. You will have seen her as she is, and be aware of what is great and not so great, and you will have fallen in love with her. And you will have one of those perfect evenings, where you have gone out to dinner, come home, made love, and gone to sleep wrapped around one another. And sometime around 5 a.m. you will wake up. The room will be quiet, and she will still be asleep. And you will look at her face, lit by the first rays of the dawning of the new day, and you will finally feel gratitude to your wife for showing her true colours and enabling you to meet that new woman, and to know real happiness again.

That day is coming, arbuom. Rest assured of that.

As for your wife, she has a rude awakening coming if she has collapsed her marriage for the sake of the POSOM. The guy may be a 'charmer' who currently lives a parasitic existence, supported by his wife, but his charm is likely to wane once your wife has to pay for everything. And I really can't see a sponge like him ever doing her laundry for her, can you?

She may well have picked up a package because she liked the pretty wrapping paper, but when she opens it, she will discover a turd. At which point, she may finally realise what a world class idiot she has been. It won't matter to you, though, because you will be leading a happy new life, with a happy new love.

Karma's a funny thing, isn't it?

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:47 AM, October 8th (Sunday)]

arbuom posted 10/7/2017 20:45 PM

M1965

Iím starting to worry that you know me better than I know my own self! As always, my friend, thank you for being the gentle hand that guides me. The time out of your day that you have afforded me, is greatly appreciated. I want you to know that I will never lose sight of that!

Now, it is right for you to be away from the person your wife has become. She may well have always had traits of entitlement or selfishness, but you only see the rough edges of those qualities now that she is comfortable showing them to you. Once a person is comfortable doing that, it is better to be away from them than to be with them, because they will just continue to hurt you.

This is so profound, and so true. You know, it used to be that anything that came out of my mouth, my STBX always found it either, funny, or loving, or interesting, or smart or the truth. Now, there is nothing that I could possibly say that would be any of those things! Iím guessing thatís what happens when someone stops loving the other, but Iím not even sure if itís even that. The above sounds like hate to me.

You see, the day will come when you have met a new woman. You will have chosen carefully, you will not have rushed into things, you will not have made an idol of her. You will have seen her as she is, and aware of what is great and not so great, you will have fallen in love with her. And you will have one of those perfect evenings, where you have gone out to dinner, come home, made love, and gone to sleep wrapped around one another. And sometime around 5 a.m. you will wake up. The room will be quiet, and she will still be asleep. And you will look at her face, lit by the first rays of the dawning of the new day, and you will finally feel gratitude to your wife for showing her true colours and enabling you to meet that new woman, and to know real happiness again.

Iím obviously emotional these days, but this has made me sob! And it was this that made me wonder how you know me so well. Youíve practically described what a perfect evening for me would look like. Especially the 5am bit. That kind of scared me actually, because Iím an early riser, and there were many an early morning, when Iíd wake and stay in bed admiring my STBX while she sleeps. Thank you for this. This is the kind of hope I have for the future. Iím starting to see it these days.

She may well have picked up a package because she liked the pretty wrapping paper, but when she opens it, she will discover a turd. At which point, she may finally realise what a world class idiot she has been. It won't matter to you, though, because you will be leading a happy new life, with a happy new love.

Youíve really lifted my spirits, M1965. I canít thank you enough!

-Arb


[This message edited by arbuom at 3:48 AM, October 8th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 10/8/2017 09:59 AM

Arb,

You're getting yourself to a good place.

Realizing who your wife really is and that it soon won't be your problem.

Double down on the no contact and you'll be fine.

Nice going in a crappy situation

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