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Too much pain and sorrow

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SorrowfulMoon posted 10/8/2017 10:16 AM

Every action you see from her validates your decision to divorce.

Keep on distancing yourself. She is a broken, toxic person but she is no longer your problem.Whether married on not being happy within yourself, at who you are and what you stand for is the thing that gives you validation. Not the ego kibbles from a POSOM that your wife sought.

Its great you have an excellent IC. Ask her at an appropriate point how to co-parent well without that woman dragging you back into her mire.

One day she may show signs of remorse. It will be too late for you then but perhaps, for the sake of your children, you might suggest she gets therapy from your IC.

I hate to bring this up but I think you must prepare yourself and speak to your IC on this:

1. That there was an actual PA. To me the e-mail show that alongside all the other stuff, and
2. That she does co-habit with POSOM at some point and how that affects your children. It will not last but it will hurt to see it, no matter how well prepared you might be.

I hope neither happens but forewarned is forearmed.

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 04:30 AM

Marz


You're getting yourself to a good place.

Realizing who your wife really is and that it soon won't be your problem.

Double down on the no contact and you'll be fine.

Thank you for the vote of confidence!

I'm trying my best. It may seem like I have things under control, and I do to some extent, but I have to admit that I'm hurting, really bad at times. It's the pain of desperately wanting my old wife back, and the realization that she's never coming back. It hurts.

It seems lately that my over whelming feelings are mostly rage. And then I'll have the odd sad evening or day. Last night was especially difficult. But I'm feeling better this morning.

I really need to move out. I will hopefully find out today if I got the place I really want. I know that for the first little while, life will be hell alone in the new place. But knowing myself, that's what I need. I need to completely detach. If you've read my posts, I have a black or white personality. Moving out will help me turn off that switch once and for all...

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 04:50 AM

SorrowfulMoon

Ask her at an appropriate point how to co-parent well without that woman dragging you back into her mire.

Already did. We are going to see the top post-divorce family/child planner in town. That's something that has been weighing very heavily on me. I feel horrifically bad for our children. I feel we let them down. Fucked their life. And now we need to figure out the best way to make it up to them. That's a big priority me right now.

One day she may show signs of remorse. It will be too late for you then but perhaps, for the sake of your children, you might suggest she gets therapy from your IC.

Man, I hope she does show something. Something to tell me that anything about the last 14 years meant something to her. I refuse to accept that it meant nothing. Please don't mistake this for me wanting her back, I think it's an ego thing. Everybody wants to know that they're worth something. Only time will tell.

I hate to bring this up but I think you must prepare yourself and speak to your IC on this:

1. That there was an actual PA. To me the e-mail show that alongside all the other stuff, and
2. That she does co-habit with POSOM at some point and how that affects your children. It will not last but it will hurt to see it, no matter how well prepared you might be.

To me, this goes part and parcel with truly detaching. worrying about the above goes against that. I want to get to a stage where nothing she does bothers me, and the only way is by truley detaching. I've told my IC that I desperately need that...

ohforanewme posted 10/9/2017 05:11 AM

Hi arbuom

I you have been in my thoughts quite a bit this weekend because of some of what I have experienced during it. I have just posted in LJ's thread. It was a toss up for me between posting it there or on your thread.

I completely relate to what you say Marz.

On;

It seems lately that my over whelming feelings are mostly rage

Not a bad thing. That point was a very long way back for me but I can now see that that was the point where my healing journey actually started.

We will be with you for the walk. Looking forward to it. Quite enjoy the conversation with you.

Sharkman posted 10/9/2017 06:02 AM

You’ll soon find out that it’s not an ego thing...and then you’ll be healed.

Some people are just broken pieces of shit. You could have *not* been worth something special to her for the last 14 years and it still wouldn’t give her a pass for treating you how she did. Occum’s Razor is that you did not one iota of this to you. Someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure. She’s trash and she’s only treasure to other trash, such as her adulterous boyfriend.

It’s not like you wasted 14 years but she did a good job providing you with a mask of who she was for those 14. Good for you for taking advantage of that. You lost nothing of the good times and you’re preventing future bad things. Win/Win.

You’re doing EXACTLY that right thing with the family planner. She’s willing to put herself above her family and her children. You need precisely every bit of professional help out there and kudos to you for getting her into it (blow smoke all the way up her ass in order to keep her there).

Western posted 10/9/2017 06:13 AM

Arb,

why are you taking any responsibility for messing up the kids lives ? It seems like it's all on her

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 08:32 AM

ohforanewme

I you have been in my thoughts quite a bit this weekend because of some of what I have experienced during it. I have just posted in LJ's thread. It was a toss up for me between posting it there or on your thread.

You're a good man, ohfor. And thank you for thinking of me, it's surreal to have good folk out there, that don't even know me, think and worry about how I'm doing. Things would have been far worse for me if I didn't have that right now!

I read your post on LJ's thread first thing this morning. My heart goes out to him too, I would love to write him something, but I'm not there yet. I feel that I still have one last wave of pain to go through before I start to climb from the hell that I'm in. And that will probably happen when I finally move out. Adjusting to life solo again will definitely be a struggle for me. I realize that there are many things to be excited about in the new life that awaits me, but undoing 14 years of habit will not be easy... especially for the taurus in me.

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 08:40 AM

Sharkman

You could have *not* been worth something special to her for the last 14 years and it still wouldn’t give her a pass for treating you how she did

So absolutely true! Thanks for this buddy. I needed to hear that. Often times my brain gets so overwhelmed, that it's hard to comprehend simple things, such as the above. So simple, yet so profound.

It’s not like you wasted 14 years but she did a good job providing you with a mask of who she was for those 14. Good for you for taking advantage of that. You lost nothing of the good times and you’re preventing future bad things. Win/Win.

Another super excellent point. Those were truly beautiful years that I spent (the last one aside), and nothing can take away from that. Maybe when I finally find my new happiness, I will be super grateful that I had the opportunity to do it twice, and it was much better the second time around!

I told her the other day, that if I could go back and do things differently, I would have NEVER married her!

[This message edited by arbuom at 8:43 AM, October 9th (Monday)]

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 08:46 AM

Western

why are you taking any responsibility for messing up the kids lives ? It seems like it's all on her

It is all on her, there is not doubt about that!

But I'm half of this marriage, and half of the decision to bring those two beautiful boys into this world. Something went wrong somewhere, and I'm taking responsibility to fix it.

Sharkman posted 10/9/2017 08:49 AM

I told her the other day, that if I could go back and do things differently, I would have NEVER married her!

When you're fully back on your feet you will probably still dislike her but you will not regret those times. Good things will happen to you in the future and if both good and bad things did not happen to you then you would be ill-equipped to handle them.

For example, now when you one day upgrade your wife to a better model you'll be blessed with the new insight of how to really cherish her and never take anything for granted. You can't teach that stuff in class.

And she'll still be trash. Plain old garbage. I wish there was a better way to articulate it, but bad people do bad things. She is doing bad things and is a bad person. You are a good person and should not be inviting bad people into your life. All this other crap that books and other things spout really boil down to this.

Why even lose sleep over anything other than the kids. When you look at her you need to think of day-old McDonalds. It'll make you feel like crap and make you fat, and really doesn't taste that good. Wouldn't you rather have a nice steak?

ohforanewme posted 10/9/2017 09:19 AM

Hey arbuom

You say;

I told her the other day, that if I could go back and do things differently, I would have NEVER married her!

Given where you are right now I can quite understand that sentiment but go and have a look at SuperDaddy's thread "was it worth it " about 4 pages in in D/S. I think it might just bring a smile think about when you might get to where some of us have arrived at.

josiep posted 10/9/2017 09:24 AM

Western asked:
why are you taking any responsibility for messing up the kids lives ? It seems like it's all on her


It is all on her, there is not doubt about that!

But I'm half of this marriage, and half of the decision to bring those two beautiful boys into this world. Something went wrong somewhere, and I'm taking responsibility to fix it.

Something went wrong somewhere: your WW turned to the dark side. You could not have prevented it and you cannot fix it. I know it's hard to accept that but the sooner you do, the sooner you'll find peace. You have no control over what she did, what she does going forward. The only thing you can control is how you react to it all.

And that is what will be the saving grace for your boys. Having a Dad who lets go of their mother's outcome and works to find peace and serenity in his own life so that he can be their pillar of strength and a role model of how to behave when life hands you a low blow and who displays the morality and honesty they need to see is good.

Wishing you well.

[This message edited by josiep at 9:26 AM, October 9th (Monday)]

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 09:32 AM

Sharman, ohforanewme, you guys are awesome!

arbuom posted 10/9/2017 09:37 AM

josiep

I think you misunderstood me, what I meant by fixing it, was fixing it for my boys who won't wake up to both parent any more. my STBX can fix herself, I want no part in that. Although she somehow thinks that I will still take care of her.

Thanks for the well wishes, I really appreciate that!

[This message edited by arbuom at 9:38 AM, October 9th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 10/10/2017 04:05 AM

You've endured a year-long
climb up the mountain of freedom.

The air is thinner as you near the top; disorientation prevails.

But once you reach the summit, the view is spectacular.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:15 AM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

arbuom posted 10/12/2017 19:08 PM

I'm slowly getting to that view you describe, MidnightRun!

Arbuom is a happy man today (I can't believe I'm actually saying that). I got the house I was dreaming of renting, it is absolutely incredible! This is a great new start for me and my boys. I move in on November 1st. I'm feeling optimistic. I feel that things are going my way. The future is looking bright today.

I also had a great second IC session today. This woman is awesome, and she completely gets it, and she gets me. I can see us having a great working relationship. It's only been two sessions, and I feel like I've known her for a while.

I'm feeling quite blessed today. People that love me are asking about me, and are concerned for me. I feel loved. And I can't wait to see the spectacular view that's on top of this mountain.

Thank you all for the love and support.

-Arb

[This message edited by arbuom at 7:10 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 10/12/2017 19:43 PM

You are trying way to hard to try and rationalize the irrational.

The OM is a loser. Just another parasite that anyone could see through.

Your only hope is to let go of the rope. There's nothing you can do at this point but save yourself and hope at some point your STBXW can salvage her downward spiral.

If you hang on you'll just get pulled into the abyss with her.

Be the best dad you can be. You can't do anymore than that.

arbuom posted 10/13/2017 04:28 AM

Marz

You are trying way to hard to try and rationalize the irrational.

The OM is a loser. Just another parasite that anyone could see through.

Your only hope is to let go of the rope. There's nothing you can do at this point but save yourself and hope at some point your STBXW can salvage her downward spiral.

If you hang on you'll just get pulled into the abyss with her.

Be the best dad you can be. You can't do anymore than that.

Was this post meant for someone else?? Because I don't see the relevance of it to my latest update.

[This message edited by arbuom at 4:28 AM, October 13th (Friday)]

ohforanewme posted 10/13/2017 05:07 AM

Ah arbuom

This last update has me smiling form ear to ear for you.

My experience suggests that there might still be a few down days waiting for you but I can assure you there will be so many more just like this one. And they keep getting better.

Thank you for giving me such a great end to a good week.

Jduff posted 10/13/2017 09:01 AM

arbuom, it is great to read that you now have your own place. Yes, it will be a great new start for you and you boys. I highly suggest that you three start coming up with a new traditions, like maybe movie and pizza night on Friday evening where the you three take turns picking the movie. Ohfor did a fantastic honda vehicle rebuild with his daughter and son soon after his separation and it had been such an amazing bonding experience for all three. Look at changing up some holiday traditions as well. I let my boys decorate/paint the rooms of our new home anyway they wanted. It really let them feel they have ownership in our new beginning. Your boys will do fine, arbuom, as long as you are the rock for them and you lead them to that better tomorrow. They will be following your example as my boys followed mine, as many of us formerly betrayed spouse's children did as well. Remember, they only need one of the parents to be the strong and reliable one. Might as well be you, the one who didn't throw the grenade into the marriage.

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