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Too much pain and sorrow

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Bigger posted 10/13/2017 11:35 AM

Arbuom

You should take responsibility and accountability for bringing these two boys into this world, into the family-pattern they are used to and into a standard of living that you can provide. But you NEVER brought them into this marriage.
Like if this wasnít a divorce, but what if wife had passed away in a car-crash? (God forbid). Would it be your responsibility that a drunk driver ran his truck over her? Would you be accountable for that? Life is constant changes, and your responsibility and accountability to your kids is to provide them with love, caring and the best FOR THEIR DEVELOPMENT.
So, keep showing them firm love and caring. Remember that the best isnít necessarily bought with money, but provided with time and caring. Make them understand that whatís going on isnít their fault and donít expect them to allocate blame or take sides.

Great you are getting a separate house. Now make it a separate HOME.

I have tried to press home (pun intended) the seriousness of divorce. If you divorce to teach your wife a lesson then thatís wrong. If you divorce in the hope she will come back crying for you then thatís wrong. The only two ďgoodĒ reasons you divorce are because you want to or because you need to. Want to be usually a worse reason since itís usually more based on selfishness than necessity. Need to be what applies to you and your situation: You need to divorce because your wife canít recognize or acknowledge her emotional affair and canít commit to reconciliation or the marriage. Sheís not offering you a marriage, therefore you canít remain in what isnít a marriage.

Be careful now. Detach emotionally and look at this as a business transaction. Imagine you are negotiating the termination of a partnership. Imagine your wife was a business partner in a venture that didnít pan out, mainly because he didnít do his part of the plan. You wouldnít want to be paying a former business partner a monthly fee or having to meet him regularly. You would shoulder your part of the blame for the failure, allocate him his blame and try to split is as fair and amicable way as possible. Hopefully to keep future meetings only relevant to the product of the venture (your kids).

overit62 posted 10/13/2017 11:50 AM

good analogy bigger could not have said it better

MidnightRun posted 10/13/2017 12:21 PM

You're a good man, and unearned suffering is redemptive.

Your future is so bright, you'll need to wear shades.

Happy for you.

arbuom posted 10/14/2017 04:38 AM

ohforanewme

Thank you my friend! I'm so glad I put a smile on your face. Double win!

I'm fully aware of the down days. I've had quite a few lately. And I'm anticipating a few very tough ones when I move out at the end of the month.

Keeping my head high, and marching towards happiness!

arbuom posted 10/14/2017 04:43 AM

Jduff

You're a good man, buddy! Thank you!

My boys are Sushi freaks, and that will certainly become a tradition in the Arbuom household!

I really appreciate this.

arbuom posted 10/14/2017 04:58 AM

Bigger

You should take responsibility and accountability for bringing these two boys into this world, into the family-pattern they are used to and into a standard of living that you can provide. But you NEVER brought them into this marriage.
Like if this wasnít a divorce, but what if wife had passed away in a car-crash? (God forbid). Would it be your responsibility that a drunk driver ran his truck over her? Would you be accountable for that? Life is constant changes, and your responsibility and accountability to your kids is to provide them with love, caring and the best FOR THEIR DEVELOPMENT.
So, keep showing them firm love and caring. Remember that the best isnít necessarily bought with money, but provided with time and caring. Make them understand that whatís going on isnít their fault and donít expect them to allocate blame or take sides.

I'm trying my absolute best, I want to be the father I can be for them.

You need to divorce because your wife canít recognize or acknowledge her emotional affair and canít commit to reconciliation or the marriage. Sheís not offering you a marriage, therefore you canít remain in what isnít a marriage.

You and I have talked about this at length, and I'm confident that you know what my reasons are. And I'll quote what you once told me:

This is the million-dollar issue. If she gives nothing you have nothing to give back. Plain and simple.
If anything, then I have always advocated a purely logical approach to dealing with infidelity. If she is not acknowledging this as an affair, then there isnít any need to aim at R.


Be careful now. Detach emotionally and look at this as a business transaction. Imagine you are negotiating the termination of a partnership. Imagine your wife was a business partner in a venture that didnít pan out, mainly because he didnít do his part of the plan. You wouldnít want to be paying a former business partner a monthly fee or having to meet him regularly. You would shoulder your part of the blame for the failure, allocate him his blame and try to split is as fair and amicable way as possible. Hopefully to keep future meetings only relevant to the product of the venture (your kids).

Thank you for this. And believe me, I have every intention of moving on. It's actually driving her absolutely crazy. She wants all the benefits of being married to me, but without being married to me! That's NOT gonna happen! I told her that the day I walk out of here, she needs to give space, and LOTS of it. She can text me about the kids if she needs to, but I will not engage her on anything else. No phone calls. No nothing...

arbuom posted 10/14/2017 05:00 AM

MidnightRun

Your posts brighten my day, brother. Thank you for all the love you've shown me. I want you to know that I really appreciate.

Jduff posted 10/14/2017 10:33 AM

My boys are Sushi freaks

Excellent!

If you haven't already, go find the movie "My Neighbor Totoro" It's a great anime movie that your boys will really enjoy with their sushi.

Chappie posted 10/14/2017 10:45 AM

Iím surprised that your wife thinks you will still be taking care of her! In what way? Examples? Does she think youíre bluffing?

Is she acting excited to be on her own?

Have you given her the ďno, we will not be friends,Ē speech?

TimSC posted 10/15/2017 23:24 PM

You are doing a great job and have your head on straight now. And yes, you do need a total disconnect without interaction for a couple of months for your recovery/healing.

I cannot believe that a woman who disrespected her husband by basically dating another man and caused he husband untold pain, can even think that her STBXH would want to stay friends with her.

Friends, even casual friends, do not cause intentional pain and remain friends.

ohforanewme posted 11/1/2017 10:21 AM

Hi arbuom

I have been somewhat busy but I often reflect on the folk here on SI and I have been wondering how it has been going for you.

Have been hoping for some sort of positive update that you are moving to healing, regardless of the route you are having to walk.

Just wanted to know that you are thought of.

arbuom posted 11/12/2017 03:21 AM

ohforanewme

Iím overwhelmed by your kindness! Thank you. I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts, this place has made all the difference to keep me sane during the worst period of my life.

I'll do an update shortly.

I hope life is treating you well.

DarkHoleHeart posted 11/12/2017 03:41 AM

Just yesterday, after I posted in TurnOtherCheek thread, I wondered how some of the posters I followed are doing. One of them was you. Waiting for update and hoping you are doing well!

arbuom posted 11/12/2017 04:02 AM

Time for an update.

I finally moved out just over a week ago. Iím in my new place, and it is absolutely beautiful. I dare to say that Iím actually happy here. I went all out furnishing the place, and I look forward to coming home to enjoy it.

One big surprise that I didnít expect, and actually thought the opposite would happen, was that after moving out I would actually feel better! Getting out of the old place and away from STBX has done wonders for me. Donít get me wrong, I do miss my old life prior to the A very much, but this was a surprise. And it was validated by the fact that when I went back to pick up a couple of things I left behind, I was instantly depressed as soon as I walked into that house. I was reminded of the hell I lived for a year.

Before I left, I told STBX that I needed space to heal, and didnít want to see or talk to her until further notice. Communication is restricted to text, and related to the kids only. I havenít seen or spoken to her since I left. She has been texting me a little too much, unfortunately. But Iím coping.

The best piece of news is that DS1 and DS2 are absolutely in love with my new place. I got them the coolest bunkbed, and they are thrilled with it. They have both told me that they want to live here, and why doesnít Mama come live here too. I have them this weekend, and itís been an absolute delight. I was very worried about DS2 because he is somewhat attached to his Mom, but he surprised me by being the happiest heís ever been, and hasnít even mentioned his Mom once! They both have been telling me how much they love me every chance they get! This weekend has been the longest STBX has ever spend away from the boys, I suspect that she is suffering in a big house all on her own. She is moving to her own place at the end of the month, and our home sale closes shortly after.

Finally, and this one is for you Sharkman, I made contact with OBS, and we are meeting this coming Tuesday evening. I feel bad for her, she is a hard working surgeon that works long hours, while her fucking POS husband chases STBX and spends the money she works hard for. I suspect that after I speak with her, and tell her everything (including giving her a copy of the book), STBX will go ballistic, as Iím sure POSOM will tell her I spoke to OBS. This will probably be the last nail in the coffin. STBX will probably want nothing to do with me after that! Good fucking riddance.

Thatís all for now. Iím doing MUCH better than I ever imagined at this stage, Iím still taking it one day at a time, and still have my highs and lows. Our anniversary is in a couple of weeks. It would have been 13 years. And we would have gone on our yearly trip to wine country for a romantic weekend to celebrateÖ

Thank you all for your kindness and compassion. And a special thank you to M1965, you are a special kind of human being!

-Arb


EDIT:

She sent me this text the day before I left:

"I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry I've hurt you so much. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me with the recognition that I never intended to hurt you. I love you."

[This message edited by arbuom at 4:15 AM, November 12th (Sunday)]

Sharkman posted 11/12/2017 04:45 AM

Dude!!!! What an awesome update!

First off, I know this is a shitty situation but isnít it amazing at the difference taking 100% control of your life makes? You are the master of your (and your boyís) universe now. Seriously, go read the tone of your most recent post and your first one.

This is what makes posting in JFO so worth it.

masti posted 11/12/2017 05:04 AM

I hope that she realises the damage that an EA can cause and changes herself sufficiently for you to reconcile.

goalong posted 11/12/2017 07:09 AM

She sent me this text the day before I left:

"I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry I've hurt you so much. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me with the recognition that I never intended to hurt you. I love you."


Hope you did not reply to this. It is meaningless and it is for her own gratification.
Wish you the best and a strong mind. Probably you will have higher level connection with POS's wife than with your wife who was acting like a teen

[This message edited by goalong at 7:11 AM, November 12th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 11/12/2017 08:41 AM

She sent me this text the day before I left:

"I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry I've hurt you so much. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me with the recognition that I never intended to hurt you. I love you."

Iím glad you got some form of an apology but its just ďcheaterspeakĒ she doesnít know what Love is.

Keep up the hard no contact. Itís the only thing that will get you where you need to be.

Marz posted 11/12/2017 08:45 AM

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

As time passes youíll understand that you donít need her in youf life at all. Sheís just your kids mother.

For future relationships understand that no other woman is going to want an X in the mix. Under any circumstances.

Youíve got a good start so stick with it.

ohforanewme posted 11/13/2017 09:59 AM

Hey Arbuom

In my last response I said;

Have been hoping for some sort of positive update that you are moving to healing

Well that post of your's was better than I could ever have hoped for.

Iím doing MUCH better than I ever imagined at this stage, Iím still taking it one day at a time, and still have my highs and lows

I can imagine that finalization of the house sale will be tough for you. We all get these milestone triggers. We cant avoid them but by now we are better at dealing with them and I know that I bounce back more quickly now.

I did not need to sell my home but the day that XWW moved into the townhouse, the one we have specifically bought to grow old together in, and I realised that she had stolen that dream from me. That hit hard, but as always, the SI team were there for me.

Best of all for me is the bit about the boys;

The best piece of news is that DS1 and DS2 are absolutely in love with my new place. I got them the coolest bunkbed, and they are thrilled with it. They have both told me that they want to live here,


Oh, and the messages. I know all about those. You know just to do your best to ignore them don't you

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