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Too much pain and sorrow

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RubixCubed posted 11/15/2017 22:03 PM

I have a strong feeling once she has a chance to absorb the info you gave her and come to grips with it, you will hear from her again. I believe you said she was a surgeon, so not a dumb person by any stretch.
BIG PROPS to you for doing the right thing.
Good onya.

arbuom posted 11/16/2017 13:40 PM

To my dear SI family, thank you!

I don't have the words to thank you all enough for all that you have done for me. The past year has been by far the worst of my life, but you all have had my back all along, helping me along as I struggle to make sense of the hell called infidelity.

You've all asked about my kids, they are doing better than I ever expected. They are happy, and seem to be accepting this new life. They are with me tonight, and I'm looking forward to spending a fun night with them. I went to the parent-teacher meetings last night, and I sat there listening to both teachers tell me how great my kids are! STBX wanted us to do the meetings together, but I refused.

I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never imagined I would see it this early on, but that is a good sign! There is life after infidelity, you just have to keep marching.

Chin up!

-Arb

Marz posted 11/19/2017 12:50 PM

You are wise to keep everything separate.

You'll get to where you need to be quicker

[This message edited by Marz at 12:50 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

french123 posted 11/21/2017 19:11 PM

Hey Arb. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You've been handling it great.

A few things I wanted to add:

1) If you work out and get in shape, then with your successful career, you will almost certainly upgrade from your STBX.

2) Once the AP has had his fill of his fun, he will likely dump your STBX, and she will probably come crawling back.I would advise you to think carefully now about what you will do. I would advise you to try out some dating before that happens so you know what your options are.

3) I would go check out marriedredpill on reddit. The story you're describing fits my story almost to a T and I found marriedredpill incredibly illuminating. A lot of people denigrate it, but the subreddit's primary goal is to focus on becoming the best man you can be, and letting go of relying on a woman for self-validation. Your worth as a man is no less because your wife had an affair.

arbuom posted 11/23/2017 06:16 AM

french123, thank you!

Time for another updateÖ

Yesterday was one of the toughest days Iíve had since I left! And I have no idea why. The good news is that Iíve had many good days since I left, and theyíve out numbered the bad ones. I never imagined I would say that, and itís actually incredible that Iím doing as well as I am only 2.5 weeks in.

I reached out to a dear old friend of mine last week, he is the husband of the couple Iíve mentioned before. His wife is a dear friend as well, and she is a Mom at that school, and became a friend of STBX after we got married. Iíve known this couple well before I met STBX. After I reached out to him, I was surprised to find out that STBX had already visited with his wife and told her that weíve separated. Anyways, my buddy came over yesterday morning, and we got to talking.

The first thing I mentioned to him was, that in no way this was meant to try to get them to take sides, or to try and affect the friendship that his wife and STBX have. I was certain that STBX would have told her that things didnít work out and we separated, but she actually told her that weíve separated because I thought she had an affair with POSOM (the wife knows POSOM well), but she obviously denies having an affair, and denies that she forced my hand into divorce. He said that STBX said loving things about me, that I was her first love, and that she feels very badly for me (I donít know why her saying that she feels badly for me, really pissed me off).

We sat down, and I told him everything. Every single detail. We spoke for 4 hours straight. There was one point in time when my friend had tears in eyes. He told me that he hurts so badly for me. That he couldnít possibly imagine anyone doing this to another, let alone their spouse. I was so blown away by his compassion and support. You really know your true friends in times of need.

The one thing I was dying to ask him was, did his wife ever notice anything? He went silent, and then apologized and said, yes. He said he was sorry, and that his wife came to him 7-8 ago, and told him that she feels something is going on between STBX and POSOM. She said he would bring her a coffee everyday to school and they would hang out. She felt that they were flirting with each other, but maybe she read too much into it. But my friend at the time told his wife, that men are predatory, and if it looked like POSOM was pursuing her, then perhaps something was up. I hold absolutely no ill will towards them for not coming forward, I can see how difficult a situation like this would be, and how not getting involved would be the safest option.

I suspect that my absolutely horrible day yesterday (and somewhat this morning), was probably related to meeting my friend and finding out more things that I didnít know about. I wrote a nice thank you note to my friend thanking him for taking the time to talk to me. To which he sent an incredible reply of support, and said: ď<wifeís name> says hi and sends her love. She now has a different perspective on the situation. I only shared a tiny sliver of our conversation, but it was enough to make her jaw drop.Ē

STBXís texts have come to a grinding halt after having texted me every day since I left. I suspect the reason is because POSOM told her that I spoke to OBS. Either way, thatís a good thing. I will unfortunately have to see her this coming Sunday. She is coming to pick up the kids because itís my FILís 80th bday party and she wants to have the kids there. Iím not looking forward to that. I was hoping not to see her for a while.

It really sucks that Iím still affected by her. That really pisses me off, and I realize that it takes time. But fuck, I wish I could just fucking erase her from my brain.

Thanks for listening. Iím hoping to start dating soon. I feel Iím ready. Maybe not ready for a serious relationship, but ready to meet new people. I need to move onÖ

-Arb


Stevesn posted 11/23/2017 06:35 AM

Hi Arb

Iím sorry for your tough day. They are bound to come at least occasionally as in any D, no one ever walks away untouched and scotch free. Itís very sad. But at least your good days are far outnumbering the tough ones.

The one bright spot you can take from your conversation with your friend is that he and his wife validated your feelings. They saw it too. Chances are others at the school have as well.

It truly saddens me that your STBX gave up all she had with a great guy like you for some undefined relationship with a punk like him. Youíve indicated that she is stubborn, but I still believe there will come a point where she realizes the devastation she brought on her own life and of those she says she loved (the boys, you) and will have to emotionally deal with it.

The good news is that by then you will have found your own path back to happiness.

It was good you didnít pressure your friend to take sides. But I do recommend you stay in touch with him. Maybe schedule another time to go out with him, not necessarily to go over things again, but to keep him and his wife in your life.

My wife and I had another couple we were friends with divorce and he did a great job in reaching out. Helped keep the friendship going.

Good luck with the dating. Iíd recommend keeping things very slow in that area, but itís totally your call. Maybe keep it in the mode of just meeting new people and expanding your world of friends.

As always, take care.

ohforanewme posted 11/23/2017 06:37 AM

Hey Arb

I know all too well about days like that but if I can give you some encouragement, from here on our those days, very quickly, get further and further apart.

I think you know the dread that I had of ever interacting with WW. Well, last night I asked to meet with her to deal with a family matter that was very important to me. So important in fact that I was prepared to face the terror of having to meet with her.

It was a breeze. I dealt with it so well I am in a bit of a state of shock actually.

I think I might just be over her.

You are well on your way there.

goalong posted 11/23/2017 06:46 AM

auobom,
I think by revisiting this awful past you are impeding your recovery proces which itself is hard even without any triggers. My opinion is the friend is not very close to you, not much of a friend or closer to ww than you.
Look like the teen in WW is still controlling her and when she start acting her age she will realize how bad a deal she has in having contact with conniving POSOM. Looks like surgeon OBS is married to her carrier and could not care less of what POSOM is doing.
Wish you mental strength. Past is gone, future does ot belong to us. Only living you can do is the present (mindfulness) - If one loose it due to any reason like sadness, the future may not bode well for him / her. I know it by experience.
Hope you are not alone now and have caring friends and relatives around you (more caring than the friend you talked to)
Also after what your friends said are in a state of mind you are thinking again whether there was an actual affair? Hope just for the closure you can find it one way or the other, perhaps your frind's wife can get it from WW or even from POSom,s, since she is friend with him too.

[This message edited by goalong at 12:59 PM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

Marz posted 11/23/2017 10:06 AM

Pickups/drop offs can be a 5 minute exercise.

Have them ready when she comes.

Do not invite her into your home!!!!

Zero engagement. Engagement at this time will be to your detriment. Itís all for her. Donít go there. Youíve seen what happens when sheís in the mix.

You owe her nothing. Donít let her guilt trip you over the kids. Be a great dad and theyíll be fine.

You have your time and she had hers. Keep it that way for you.

It will be awkward upfront but thatíll become the norm. Civil but detached. If you get this down youíll be fine. If not youíll linger in this.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 10:08 AM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

waitedwaytoolong posted 11/23/2017 10:24 AM

Wishing you some peace today. It was probably cathartic to talk things out with an old friend. I find the subject hard to broach even with old good friends but usually feel better after talking it out. Hope you do too.

Marz posted 11/23/2017 11:22 AM

You probably have a lot more support than you realize.

Friends, family, etc.

Don't be afraid to seek it out.

Booyah posted 11/23/2017 11:56 AM

ARB, I can certainly understand you being pissed off after hearing that, "she feels sorry for you" after also hearing that she denies any sort of affair.

She's spinning it to others that you're delusional and crazy to think she was having an affair with POSOM. Thus why she "feels sorry for you".

You can let it go, but in time it might behoove you to let the people you care about hear your side of things.

You're doing AWESOME with all of this. Hope your kids are doing good!!

MidnightRun posted 11/23/2017 12:57 PM

Arb,

She lied to you, and she certainly has no qualms about lying to friends. That's what cheaters do.

She may have rugswept with you, but now she'll face withering stares from her friend and om's wife. That facade of respectabilty will slowly crumble in the harsh light of truth.

Keep contact to an absolute bare minimum.

Good you're geting on with things.

The world awaits.


[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:58 PM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

Western posted 11/23/2017 13:10 PM

I wish your friend's wife still would have tipped you off.

I guess the reason they normally stay out of it is because they feel the BS will listen to and believe the WS over the friend and then as a friend you will be cut off. That happened to me as I tipped off someone at work that I thought their wife was stepping out and he talked to her, believed her completely and was very antagonistic towards me for a while, so much so that he had to be transferred out of my division. Then it turned out 6 months later that I was right. I now have cut him off.

Maybe this is what they were thinking but to me, it's no excuse.

Regardless, at least they reached out now and maybe have your back and that will be good.

When you see the WW, have little to no contact with her and act as though she's not there. Don't let her cling on

arbuom posted 11/24/2017 04:00 AM

Stevesn

Thank you for being there for me, right from the beginning, I really appreciate it!

It truly saddens me that your STBX gave up all she had with a great guy like you for some undefined relationship with a punk like him. Youíve indicated that she is stubborn, but I still believe there will come a point where she realizes the devastation she brought on her own life and of those she says she loved (the boys, you) and will have to emotionally deal with it.

I hope that day comes sooner, rather than later. Iíve been very revengeful lately, and desperately want to see STBX suffer. I realize that I should just move on emotionally, and focus my energy elsewhere, but I canít help it! Hence my desire to date, I feel that might take my mind off of things, and help me realize that there are good women out there.

Maybe keep it in the mode of just meeting new people and expanding your world of friends.

Iíve been so lucky in that department. All my friends, even ones I havenít seen in a while, have rallied around me. I feel blessed. All without exception have voluntarily told me how much they love me, and how much of a great person I am. They have all offered to be there for me any hour of the day. Iíve rarely had dinner alone since I left. Life is good. I just have a MASSIVE hole in my heart.

Thank you brother!


arbuom posted 11/24/2017 04:08 AM

ohforanewme

Thank you for all your kindness, and for all your insights and sound advice.

As you already know, and have experienced, Iím on a pretty rough rollercoaster. I actually get some really good days, which is comforting, but the lows, although far less, are pretty painful. Those days are extra painful because I tend to be hard on myself. I want STBX to be out of my heart and mind, and I get frustrated with myself.

Please continue to check up on me, I appreciate it!

arbuom posted 11/24/2017 04:22 AM

Marz

It will be awkward upfront but thatíll become the norm. Civil but detached. If you get this down youíll be fine.

Sunday will be interesting. I must admit I'm not looking forward to seeing her. I still can't warp my head around the fact that I slept next this woman for 14 years, and one day I didn't anymore. So seeing her on Sunday as an outsider will be weird on many levels. I plan to be normal. Just like I would be to anyone I don't know, that knocks on my door.

Thank you, brother!

waitedwaytoolong

Wishing you some peace today.

Thank you! You are too kind.

Booyah

You're doing AWESOME with all of this

Thank you for the validation. I really need to realize that I'm doing much better than I think I am.

arbuom posted 11/24/2017 04:31 AM

MidnightRun

The world awaits.

Buddy, I can always rely on you to keep me looking forward. That's what I need. Chin up, and keep marching. Thank you!

Western


I wish your friend's wife still would have tipped you off.

I guess the reason they normally stay out of it is because they feel the BS will listen to and believe the WS over the friend and then as a friend you will be cut off. That happened to me as I tipped off someone at work that I thought their wife was stepping out and he talked to her, believed her completely and was very antagonistic towards me for a while, so much so that he had to be transferred out of my division. Then it turned out 6 months later that I was right. I now have cut him off.

I really have no ill will towards them. I can really appreciate how difficult a situation like that would be to someone, especially when they are friends with both sides. Also, as I mentioned before, STBX would have been the last person, in my eyes and many around us, to do something like this! So dismissing something like this as harmless would have potentially been the way I would have handled it.

It's a shit situation all around. Even though I've been told that I'll see differently, but I still regret the day I met her! I wish I never let this person into my life...

Booyah posted 11/24/2017 08:10 AM

ARB, I understand the pain and the anger you feel towards your wife, but having regrets ever meeting her? Listen at the end of the day (and all of the pain you're going through and will go through) you meeting your wife created those two beautiful kids. Without meeting your wife your kids aren't in the world.

You don't regret your kids right?

Maybe one of your main purposes in life was to get together with your ex to create those wonderful kids.

You're doing great. The anger in time will start to subside. Focus on you to get you to a place where you're at peace and happy so that you can be the dad that those kids of yours deserve.

Everyone that has read your story is extremely PROUD of you and your kids are VERY LUCKY to have you as their father!!!

[This message edited by Booyah at 8:12 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 11/24/2017 09:57 AM

Hi arbuom,

You should be proud of yourself for the way you are handling this. Well done.

There have been so many ugly stories of affairs lately where the WS has done despicable things both within the affair and to their BSs before and after DD.

It is so depressing and yet on the other hand there are BS's, like you, who handle the situation with honour and dignity and stay true to themselves. That is quite uplifting; to see the strength in adversity that many BSs show.

Maintain your self respect whenever you have to deal with her and keep loving your children.

I think she is already having regrets and they will grow as you rebuild your life without her.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 10:01 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

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