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Too much pain and sorrow

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MidnightRun posted 11/24/2017 10:25 AM

Revenge is a normal feeling, but don't let it overwhelm you. It may sound like a clichť but it's true: The best and most long-lasting revenge is living a happy, successful life.

If your ex has even a smidgen of morality, she'll one day realize just how scummy she and om are.

By that time, however, you'll be enjoying a happiness you never thought possible.

masti posted 11/24/2017 22:00 PM

I get a feeling when that the POS OM is a groomer. That for him the whole process is a game from which he gets off. The first step for these guys is emotionally reeling their victims in, which he seems to have done. The next step is PA or more like occasional sex, cos once they have had physical relations the thrill is gone. Plus he gets his wife to subsidise his life. The bastards then move to next victim. He probably has the OBS eating from the palm his hand, only problem is that have you implanted doubts in her mind? When your WW discovers the truth it is going to be too late for her.

paboy posted 12/7/2017 05:31 AM

Hoping you are healing well. Have read your story and updates with interest. My wife had a short EA about 19yrs ago which I was quickly able to act. At that time she was an undiagnosed BPD.
With all her weirdness, and with minimal boundaries with males, I unknowingly went into depression.
On discovering these type of forums at the beginning of this year,, I was able to quickly realize what had happened, and end the depression. For most of this year, I was livid, and repeatedly tried to kick her out of the house. She states that she felt like she was walking on egg shells. We are both in a better space, and the relationship is moving forward.
Now, Like your STBXW, my wife still feels that she had not done anything wrong. She is sorry for what she had done to me, but does not believe she was having an affair. She admits that she had discussed personal things about her and I. And like your situation there was also things like me waking in the middle of the night to find her on the phone with him. Them going out to lunch together. And I noticed that when I was present when they were together, there was that certain look in both their eyes.
Like your STBXW, she was raised and still has, strong religious beliefs.
Ive come to the conclusion that she feels that if nothing was being verbalized, or if nothing physical had happened, that it was only a friendship that had gone to far.

paboy posted 12/7/2017 05:36 AM

And yes I realize that 19yrs is a very long rug sweep.. and others may consider that it is still happening. A work in progress.

harrybrown posted 12/7/2017 14:32 PM

hope you have a good week and a better one next week.

keep contact to a minimum and do something that you enjoy.

For you.

bobdobalina posted 12/8/2017 14:57 PM

Arbuom and parboy surley an intelligent woman can tell when the connection to another man is getting more than just a friend and it is effecting your marriage

arbuom posted 12/8/2017 17:23 PM

Time for an update.

I donít have much to update you on, STBX finally moved out today from our family home. The sale of the house will close in a couple of weeks. Our communication (purely over text) has been to an absolute minimum, and I started a trend of taking a very long time to respond or not responding at all, and she has followed suit.

Iíll be honest, things for me, unfortunately, have not been great. Now that Iíve settled in my new place, and life is routine, Iím not happy. I miss my old wife terribly, I miss my family life, I miss coming home to my kids, and having dinner as a family. I was having ups and downs, but it seems Iíve been stuck in a down for a good week now, and it hurts really bad. The good news is that Iím smart enough and determined enough to never ever break NC, but Iím hurting. Itís been 5 weeks now since I left, and I realize that things are still fresh, but I tend to be impatient. I need to get out this rut somehow. Iíve been extremely active, going out with friends, make new friends, I went out on a date, I joined a crossfit gym. Iím trying everything. This really sucks!

I wish I had another optimistic update for you guys, but sadly I donít.

Chin up.

-Arb

Western posted 12/8/2017 17:50 PM

Dude, she doesn't care. So stop caring. There are many fish in the sea and they are swimming by and you are worried about the dead one on the shore that you can't eat (nothing sexual there BTW).

Your marriage is dead. You have a new lease on life. Move on, build back your finances, get some young hottie and enjoy yourself. Because right now, you are dithering in misery and she's enjoying herslef.

You need to stop your misery but only you can do that and only you can do that if you leave your heart at the door and move on with your mind. I haven't seen you do that in 20 plus pages in this thread.

It's your approach that holds you back, not the situation.

Change your approach man !!!!

Stand up for yourself because you aren't doing it.

Your last statement was "This really sucks". It should be "This is great, I get to find a woman who actually gives a shit about me and who is hot".

Change your mindset.

That is the key to it all

OrdinaryDude posted 12/8/2017 19:39 PM

With all her weirdness, and with minimal boundaries with males, I unknowingly went into depression.
On discovering these type of forums at the beginning of this year,, I was able to quickly realize what had happened, and end the depression.

Wow, that was us also!

antlered posted 12/8/2017 20:04 PM

I understand what you are feeling.

I'm also farther enough to know that you are better off.

You are missing what you had. That's ok. But realize that she's never coming back. If she ever existed in the first place.
This is a time to mourn, but not wallow.

I am certain, certain, that you are much better off now.

Marz posted 12/8/2017 20:08 PM

You are missing the illusion of what you thought you had.

You'll be fine just takes time

Booyah posted 12/8/2017 20:38 PM

I tend to agree with antlered.

Allow yourself the time to mourn/grieve but don't wallow.

Try to keep busy because during this time if you're just sitting there alone with your thoughts all you're going to do is reflect back on what you've loss.

There's a reason the rear view mirror in a car is smaller then the front windshield. What's in front of us is more important than what's behind us.

I think as you move forward you'll start to see that what you have (and experiencing) in life, with your children, is real and honest and authentic. Be willing to do this ARB as somewhere along the line you and your WW lost this. Start with your children (and I am not implying that what you've had with them hasn't been authentic).

Go build new memories with them.
Nurture them and smother them with love and affection. They deserve it and they need it now more then ever.

As time goes on you'll start to see the pain and loss you're feeling now slowly but surely starting to not hurt as much.

You'll get through this ARB. Keep the faith!!

DarkHoleHeart posted 12/10/2017 04:02 AM

There's a reason the rear view mirror in a car is smaller then the front windshield. What's in front of us is more important than what's behind us.
I always have a problem with this allegory. The problem being that every time I look at rear view mirror, I see WW fucking AP on a backseat.

atreides posted 12/17/2017 13:53 PM

arbuom, i hope things are getting better from your last post. Sending strength..

ohforanewme posted 12/22/2017 05:21 AM

Hi Arb

I am hoping that you are so busy with all the good about Christmas that even if it is just for this weekend, you will be able to forget about all the infidelity stuff, but if you do check in, I want you to know that you are thought of and are being sent Christmas wishes from a friend and comrade in this struggle that we are all trying to get through.

My wish for you is a Christmas filled with warmth and love from those that do love you and then a new year filled with renewal and progress.

Regards
Ohfor

paboy posted 1/31/2018 11:07 AM

Arb. How are things from your end? Keep in touch if you need support.

paboy posted 2/22/2018 03:57 AM

Arb. Hoping things with you are well. Hoping you are seeing a brighter future.

brokendreamer posted 4/25/2018 12:44 PM

Hi Arb

I have just spent the last couple of hours reading your thread, wow what a roller coater ride for you.
I m 4 weeks post D-day so took some strength and courage from your experience thank you for sharing it.
Quite a few things stood out to me and so I thought I would share them for support as you continue your journey to happiness and peace.

1) You stbx was a very lucky woman, she was a fool to throw it away on POSOM.

2) You are strong and courageous with a huge heart, it will serve you well and there is a very lucky lady out there somewhere in your future.

3) I only wish I had received a fraction of the love and dedication from my stbx, your posts made me realise a great deal.

4) You are an amazing father and those children will be all the better for your courage and strength.

5) I cried alot reading your thread, willing you on as you went one step at a time.

I hope I can be as strong as you have been, your story is inspirational. My ex just up and left, moved in with OW immediately and moved 400 miles away from me and kids to be with her. In some ways that is easier I guess than having to share a home as you did, I don't envy you that.

Maybe your ex will find real remorse in her heart at some point and seek serious reconciliation, however having come as far as you have, I would be reluctant to back pedal in your shoes. The worst is behind you now and if I can get to where you are, I know there would be NO going back for me.

BUT and there is always a but if she does change and you do decide to reconcile, be sure it is for the right reasons.

You said the best advice you could offer was stick to NC. I have stuck to it now for almost 4 weeks apart from a few days ago when I was very low and I sent a text saying simply that I would always love him, that I never anticipated us being apart and that I wished him well for the future. He didnt reply obviously, too loved up with OW and to be fair, I wasnt expecting a reply so it came as no disappointment. I instantly regretted it and have continued with NC. I am still where you were at the beginning, deeply hurt, shocked and lost, but you have given me hope, thank you.
I also note what a great bunch of people you had on here supporting you all the way through, bigger steven, midnight run, jduff etc Kudos to them, I too would very much appreciate any advice, support they could offer to me too now.

Good luck my friend, you nailed it, keep on keeping on and may you find the real and lasting love one day that you sorely deserve.

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