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hi

UneasyFeelings posted 9/12/2017 02:19 AM

Greetings,

Been a while. How are you fine folks doing. Just need to vent and chill.

I realized how "damaged" I am last week.

The FWW got a new official position at work, even though she's been doing it part time for a few years now. I'm happy for her, but at the same time I've been getting this rush of anxiety bc this position is how she met the OM. Seems illogical to be nervous about it now since she's been doing that job for so long. Haven't felt this in a long time.

Things have been going great the past couple of years overall.

Still hard for me to accept it. It appears I still have some resentment and anger towards the past.

3 years and 8 months, here I am still acting like a little bitch. Divorce is back in my mind.

Hurt my back a while ago and it flared up big time about a week ago. Ive been in a lot of pain. So it feels like my health is deteriorating and getting older.

Bah, time to buy a corvette I think.

trojan007 posted 9/12/2017 03:55 AM

Sorry to hear that you are still going through that pain and you being a nervous wreck about everything that's going on with your wife not knowing if she's being truthful with you, Or sheis trying to find a new OM, All those mind movies playing in your head it's got to be hard on you. Well that's why reconciling is really hard most can't do it.! Affairs are the gift that keeps on giving... hang in there buddy

Notthevictem posted 9/12/2017 05:25 AM

Seems like a normal reason to trigger to me.

Or is this more than a trigger and your gut is telling you something?

Ginny posted 9/12/2017 07:22 AM

Three years 10 months here. I get it. I would be triggering, too. Sending good thoughts your way...

UneasyFeelings posted 9/12/2017 23:59 PM

I think it's just the stress and then the triggering. All just compounding. I have zero reasons to doubt her commitment and loyalty at the moment. It is all on me.


I think about greener grass. About what's it like to be an alone 36 year old divorcee. About the potential financial hardship with just a single income. Will be comfortable, will suck because of less disposable income. The older I get, the smaller my social circle gets, and I'm happy with that, lol.

Before I know it, i'll have a cabin in the middle of the woods and my only contact will be with nature.

Even though I care deeply for my FWW and her well being, the more this goes on. I feel the main reason I'm still here is bc it's an obligation. I made a promise.

We've had wonderful moments. But I'm not happy. I don't know.

Tren0R201 posted 9/13/2017 01:05 AM

3 years and 8 months, here I am still acting like a little bitch. Divorce is back in my mind.

There's a term that's called being "woke" or being enlightened, what you term as acting like a little bitch is called acknowledging feelings that are actually there. Maybe before the infidelity you would have pushed those feelings aside or buried them completely.

The important thing is if you need to have that internal dialogue then have it by all means.

Yes you made a promise then again so did she on your wedding day.

UneasyFeelings posted 9/15/2017 03:42 AM

Good news. Xrays came back on back looking fine. so probably just a muscle tear. Will start physical therapy next week. back still hurts, been seems a little better.

the fww has been great during this. tries to take care of me but i gotta do the macho thing you know.

anyways, i think i'm having the struggle between my brain and heart about us.

we've worked hard to be where we are. we're great with each other. why couldnt she see this back then. i believe we'll never have to worry about a repeat incident.

my heart just breaks thinking about the betrayal. at times, it pains me to call her my wife at times, during conversation with others,i want to punch a wall. i put on a smile while my mind starts racing. not all the time. not sure what triggers it. it can be with strangers or people i know.

[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 3:43 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

TwiceWounded posted 9/15/2017 10:05 AM

Sorry to hear about your struggle, UF. I can relate... in fact, we're pretty much in the same boat! I'm a mid-30s guy with back problems that flare up pretty badly at times, and man there is nothing that'll make you feel old quicker than hurting your back. Seriously. I go from independent guy in great shape, to aging helpless schmuck in a heartbeat.

Anyway. The feelings you're having are normal. I know it's been close to 4 years, but really with my WW after her first A in 2010 it probably was 4-5 years before I REALLY stopped having those massive down days. Yeah, we had a lot of good days (after an initial year or two of heartbreak and pain) and I thought we recovered pretty well. But I'd still have occasional days when I was angry, or just really didn't even feel like looking at her. Good days, occasional bad days. And DEFINITELY still triggers. It's all normal.

There was never a time I didn't want to punch that OM in the face. There was never a time when WW wouldn't say something about "vows" or how good our M was, and I'd throw up in my mouth a little. The M was just never the same. Really. Something changes with affairs, and you can never get it back. It's a new M. It can be GOOD, but it's new and different and that is hard to accept. I think what's missing for you is that acceptance that the M is completely new and different now. It's hard to stop yearning for what it was, and that's the "Why couldn't she see how good we were before??" thought that you keep having. It's a hard thought to drive off, but... maybe tell yourself that if you two didn't go through that load of bullshit together, then you wouldn't be as strong now. It's just part of your history that led you here.

Of course my WW started 2 more affairs. I let my guard down and should not have. So your triggers are normal and healthy, I would say. Triggers are partly our brains just trying to sound the danger alarm.

So it's also normal to muse about whether it'd be better to be a 36 year old single dude or not. You say you're unhappy... that's not good. All marriages to have ups and downs, and the road is long. Is this just a normal downturn, or are you really unhappy and questioning whether being that single 36 year old might be better than the marriage you have? Not an easy question, I know...

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