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Lost and frustrated

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Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 08:06 AM

So me and my wife went out for the day/night Saturday. About midnight I had had enough to drink and she was worse. I suggested we make a move home. She wanted to stay in the pub and said I should go and she will be back shortly. She finally came in about 4:30am. She was with friends and said she went back to theirs. Then yesterday morning she phoned me at work and said she couldn't live with herself and had to tell me. She doesn't remember leaving the pub but just remembers being at someone we knows house. She said he kissed he and she remembers saying no a few times. Then the next thing she remembers is her jeans off with him on top of her. She said there was bref sex, only a couple of minutes. She doesn't remember leaving his. Then she said this happened once before about 3 years ago again when she was very very drunk. She has had a drink problem before and has been bad again recently. She said she loves me and will do anything for us and I believe her. She said she will never ever drink again because this seems to be the catalyst. I don't feel angry or sad or been upset, is this normal?? Its frustrating me. I keep asking her about intimate details, again is this normal? She just says she can only remember little bits. I don't know how to build myself up again. I had low self esteem anyway and this had killed me. Where do I go from here and why am I so numb. We have 4 kids, only 1 is mine the rest are step children. They are gonna know something is wrong

Chappie posted 9/13/2017 08:13 AM

Can you both get i dividual counseling?

Why would you leave a drunk wife, date, or female friend alone in a bar? Why wouldn't you expect this to happen or worse?

Chappie posted 9/13/2017 08:16 AM

Can you both get i dividual counseling?

Why would you leave a drunk wife, date, or female friend alone in a bar? Why wouldn't you expect this to happen or worse?

CincyKid posted 9/13/2017 08:18 AM

This could be rape and not infidelity. If it's rape, DO NOT let the scum bag get away with it or he'll rape other women.

moxamm posted 9/13/2017 08:25 AM

DON'T DO ANY STEP WITH OUT THE FULL TRUTH

Here is a shovel start digging she should give full access to everything EVERYTHING


She doesn't remember well a poly will refresh her memory

The drinking problem needs to be addressed with a professional help

And you need ic for your self esteem

And last but not least DON'T DO ANY STEP WITH OUT THE FULL TRUTH

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 08:28 AM

I did not leave her alone. We a were with a group of friends. And they said they would get her home ok. The pub is 1 street from my house. I have suggested the police if she said no and can't remember much else. She said she wants to move on and not drag it all up. Which makes me wonder if she is telling me everything

CincyKid posted 9/13/2017 08:37 AM

I have suggested the police if she said no and can't remember much else. She said she wants to move on and not drag it all up.


Now that I've read this, it's not rape, she cheated and remembers everything. You're being trickle truthed and gaslighted. The only reason she told you is because the friends that were with her probably know and she knows it could easily get back to you anyway. This way she gets to control the narrative of what happened.

Start interrogating those friends. Don't tell them what you know, find out what they know, and pretend you know more than you do.

LM2017 posted 9/13/2017 08:41 AM

She said she wants to move on and not drag it all up.

She wants you to pretend it never happened? If so that called rugsweeping at best. At worst, though drunk, she may have been a fully aware participant in the sex with the OM. After all, she remembered enough to tell you what happened, and probably only did so because she feared one of the other "friends" in the group might have told you first.

Are you sure she hasn't been seeing this other guy for longer than she's admitting?

Lalagirl posted 9/13/2017 08:54 AM

She said she wants to move on and not drag it all up.

Too bad. Tell her if she wants to remain married to you, she'll do whatever the hell you ask of her.

If she is telling the truth and she said no, she was raped. It does not matter if she was drunk; no means no. But she has to report it. No rugsweeping. And some professional help to process it.

If she is lying and wants to rugsweep, I guarantee you will not R successfully.

My first demand for her would be IC - to help her with the alcoholism for starters, and get to the root of her issues and to help her deal with a sexual assault if this is the case.

Second would be a polygraph.

I did not leave her alone. We a were with a group of friends. And they said they would get her home ok.

They obviously did not. These "friends" - could they have contributed to this (you said she was at someone's house).

Something stinks here; I just can't put my finger on it.

twisted posted 9/13/2017 09:06 AM

She said she wants to move on and not drag it all up.

Indicates to me that this was consensual.

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 09:18 AM

Yeah I understand all your points. I am not saying it wasn't consensual. If it was or not is a grey area. The fact she is reluctant to do anything about it tells me alot. My question is why am I not angry or been upset or feel anything really? How do I deal with it if I don't feel anything yet. Should I be pushing for the details or just try and deal with what I know

DarkHoleHeart posted 9/13/2017 10:12 AM

It is quite possible that you still are in shock and numb. It will wear off. You probably can use numbness to get more specific information about her (supposedly) ONSs without immediate emotional impact.
I would also suggest that you request immediate access to her electronic devices and accounts. Looks for suspicious activity (like calling specific number a lot - get a phone bill), suspicious apps, etc. You can also run recovery software on her phone.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/13/2017 10:15 AM

Do what you feel is needful for you. If you want details, then push for details. Numb is normal for some people. Other emotions will follow eventually and you'll likely miss the numb feeling. Take care of yourself.

LM2017 posted 9/13/2017 10:19 AM

My guess is that you are in shock right now. Trust me when I tell you that the anger and sadness will come, not necessarily in that order.

I could not help but notice this:

I had low self esteem anyway and this had killed me.

I hope that you have not resigned yourself to accepting her betrayal because you do not think you can do better than her. Then not wanting to confront her, thinking that she may leave you. She has violated your marriage in the worst way, and worse yet, she's a repeat cheater. So she needs to face up to this, and answer all questions truthfully that you ask of her, along with helping you cope with her betrayals. She does not get a free pass, nor should she be allowed to sweep this under the rug.

[This message edited by LM2017 at 10:22 AM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

DIFM posted 9/13/2017 10:29 AM

As others have said, you are in shock. As day to day life moves forward, the shock will give way to anger, feelings of betrayal, questions, pain, etc. Use the time to think about what you want or need as a result of her actions.

william posted 9/13/2017 11:13 AM

talk to the friends who were there. they might know more.?

twisted posted 9/13/2017 11:35 AM

I'm with william, a little more research, talk to her/your friends, and see which ones try to cover for her. These would not be friends of the marriage.

She wanted to stay in the pub and said I should go and she will be back shortly.

This troubles me. Why would she not leave with you? Was something planned or expected on her part? Who is the AP and how did she know him? Who invited him? Is he married?
I'm not buying the " I guess I was too drunk to know" story. I've heard that before.

GoldenR posted 9/13/2017 11:52 AM

This is just the tip on the iceberg. She's been unfaithful with this same guy for a while now. I know you don't want to believe it,but it will come out eventually.

beenthereinco posted 9/13/2017 12:06 PM

To be clear. When this happened 3 years ago was it the same guy? Why did she feel so guilty that she had to tell you this time but not that guilty three years before?

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 12:20 PM

Yeah different person. She has been depressed since around then and said she couldn't live with lieING to me anymore. Her phone is in my name and I have checked bills and everything. To be honest I 100% believe it was a 1 off due to us both working full time and having 4 kids she really wouldn't have been able to have a full blown affair. We very rarely go out. But when she drinks alot she does struggle to stop and control herself

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