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I think my brain is broken

BlackHeartBroken posted 9/14/2017 05:15 AM

Ever since OW called on 4/18 I feel like I forget everything. I lose my place all the time. I have to constantly work to remember why I went where I did. It's frustrating. I'm not an idiot. Just now I came to the gym for appt one of my day. I came 30 min early. I know this guy always comes at 6:30, but I got here a little before 6 and was truly bewildered as to why he wasn't here at 5 after. Then I remembered. I never used to do that! Also, I sleep poorly. Wake often, have nightmares about anything from the affair to monsters, which is new for me. Anybody else have this? Or am I truly losing it? Sigh...

LumpinStomach posted 9/14/2017 05:35 AM

Bhb- I really think the lack of sleep messes with the mind. Truly. I think about how little sleep I got the first month and I was just a zombie.

I am not a fan of sleep meds, although some people here swear by them.

I wonder if you would manipulate your sleep to get more, if some of the brain deadness would dwindle?

Just a thought.

You're. Not alone.

Notthevictem posted 9/14/2017 06:08 AM

That happened to me when I was that far out from dday. It was like even when you aren't actively thinking about it, it was still a hamster on a wheel running in the back of my head taking up all my bandwidth.

dostl10 posted 9/14/2017 06:11 AM

Sleep is 100% necessary. After dday for me, i couldnt sleep and my brain was the same way. Id walk into a room and forget why i was there. Then i stsrted to taking a sleep aid and i had to take one every night for about 2 months and everything got better. Sleep is vital to your mental and physical functioning.

cantaccept posted 9/14/2017 06:24 AM

Oh yes, I was not functioning mentally for quite a while after ddays.

I was always so "on" at work, could remember things without making lists, it seemed effortless. I had to come up with all kinds of new systems for myself to stay on track.

Driving was the worst. I would leave for an appointment and end up going the wrong direction, for miles. It was a bit scary.

Occasionally I help out with a delivery to a client. I know where their offices are, for years. I brought the order to the wrong client, twice. The second time was about a week after the first time. As I was leaving I mentally told myself the correct place and still went to the wrong one!

It was embarrassing and disconcerting. I do think the sleep disruption along with the ruminating plays havoc on your brain.

Be patient with yourself. This too will get better over time.

I also had the nightmares. I would leap out of bed and be standing up with heart pounding, sometimes screaming. That has mostly gone away now too.

Unfortunately this seems to be a fairly common response to trauma. This can be a form of trauma.

I don't think your losing it. Patience and if it continues for an extended time you might want to talk to your doctor.

(((BlackHeartBroken)))

ChamomileTea posted 9/14/2017 06:30 AM

Totally normal.. and I would agree with the others. It's probably due to lack of productive sleep.

What I found in the aftermath is that my brain was absolutely refusing to process this information while I was sleeping. If I went anywhere near it, I would wake right up. It was actually progress for me to start dreaming again, even if the dreams are disturbing. I think one of the reasons EMDR can be helpful is that it kind of mimics REM processing.

Your brain is going to keep on like that "hamster on the wheel" much as Notthevictim described. It's "using bandwidth" in the background. Just like an organic computer, it's going to keep processing until it's sorted all the files to its satisfaction. We do quite a bit of that while sleeping, and when we're not sleeping well, we're not processing productively.

Try to look at disturbing dreams as part of healing.

ETA: You might even consider adding a Dream Diary to your journaling. Just a thought.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:31 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Hurtstomycore posted 9/14/2017 07:34 AM

I had/have similar issues as all have mentioned here. You are definitely not going crazy. I would sit in meetings at work and the time would fly by, and people who report up through me would be around the table and would stop and look at me and say things like "Does that sound ok with you if we do that?" And I would have no freaking clue what had been discussed. I would just fake it at that point, hoping I hadn't just approved some outrageous budgetary item. Lol! Thank goodness I can bulls*it well on the fly.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/14/2017 07:36 AM

This was MY normal also (((HUGS))). Around the 6 month mark after DDay I found ANGER . That scared me more than the memory loss . All of this just SUCKS...but it is a process. Our brains are pretty amazing and resilient...and yours is helping you to process things a little at a time. Please don't worry...it WILL get better .

thatbpguy posted 9/14/2017 08:08 AM

Just chiming in to say it really is normal. For me, it's gone on for years and years in one way or another.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/14/2017 08:16 AM

Count me in. Thanks to Xanax I sleep good most of the time, so lack of sleep isn't the problem. But I am forgetful, can't concentrate, and can't focus. My mind feels like mush. I'm trying to get out of it and attempting to address the long to do list that has built up as a result.

I think we're just so traumatized by the cheating that it literally blows our mind. I never would have expected to experience this. The hurt and anger sure, but all the other issues that have cropped up, no.

It's not just our hearts that get broken after all.

Dorothy123 posted 9/14/2017 09:47 AM

BlackHeartBroken, totally normal.

You're brain is not broken.

Your brain is obsessing.

Here is proof.

Totally completely normal to obsess about the A all day , everyday for a very long time.

"The A Has Taken Over"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here are some of the things that other BS's obsess about.

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Besides lack of sleep and nightmares , there are other physical symptoms of an A. Here they are.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

I hope you find these threads helpful.

Sending you peace, strength and hugs.

Walking with you.

Hawke posted 9/14/2017 10:58 AM

It's a symptom of trauma. I had to go on a few months of disability leave from work because I could not concentrate, make decisions or remember important things. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant and I got EMDR therapy, both of which helped a lot. I'm not 100% back, but I'm able to do my job and manage my home without total chaos ensuing.

Hawke posted 9/14/2017 11:00 AM

I just realized that your D-Day is almost exactly my D-Day antiversary, and it was at the end of August of that year that I realized I wasn't handling things, told my boss what was going on, saw my doctor on my boss' advice and went on disability. Maybe 4-5 months out is a particularly low point for cognitive function.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/14/2017 12:54 PM

Emotional or psychological trauma can affect your short-term memory. It can also lead to PTSD which can show itself in different ways including flashbacks of the event and intrusive, unwanted thoughts about the trauma.

Recovery can take days, weeks, or months. Everyone heals at their own pace.

Some symptoms:
- Having trouble functioning at home or work.
- Suffer from severe fear, anxiety or depression.
- Are having terrifying memories, nightmares or flashbacks.
- Are emotionally numb and disconnected from others.

BlackHeartBroken posted 9/14/2017 14:10 PM

Thanks everyone. It feels better to know that this is not a me losing it thing, but something that commonly happens in our rotten situations...

So, I'm on Wellbutrin and I think that's finally helping me some, and I see an IC regularly. I'm working on using tools to help with my other symptoms: anger, sadness, and obsession--I'm obsessive somewhat anyway, though. I do have a script for xanax, but I try to only take it when I'm having a particularly tough time. It ends up being 2-3 times a week.

I think I'm going to start taking Zquil every night to see if that helps. I really feel like I'm unable to do things the way I used to able to, you know?

Look what they do to us on purpose...it makes me so mad

Notthevictem posted 9/14/2017 15:36 PM

Anger can be good. I liked to call mine "righteous anger" because calling it that curbed some of the more outrageous revenge thoughts.

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