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Loss of attraction or re-writing history

IGB2017 posted 9/15/2017 04:07 AM

I wish I had found this forum a couple of months ago! Long story short, I found out that my ex-GF of 6 years was messaging a guy she had met a month previously. The messages were flirtatious and she was indicating that they would be physical next time they met. They had been interested in each other, but she had refused to do anything physical with him when they could. I believe this to be 99.99% true because it was clear from the messages that this was something my ex-GF cowardly initiated after they had parted ways, and he made reference to the fact that she had shown a lot of self-control to resist his advances when they were together.

After finding out and confronting her, we did the song and dance that is so typical here. Me dancing the 'pick me dance' but eventually finding my self-respect along the way and then breaking up with her a few weeks later. Her trying to get back, but then pulling away again. I found out that she had physically cheated (but not emotionally, as far as I know) on her previous long term boyfriend. I realise that to be able to break up with a cheater in my late twenties, without kids/house/being married, is dodging a huge bullet.

She claimed that she had lost physical attraction and 'the spark' with me, that the sex was boring, but failed to bring it up for around a year. Now, I admit that our relationship was probably always one fuelled by close bonding and friendship rather than intense sexual chemistry. The first few months were great, and we had sex every time we met up. It began to wane soon after, and I realised that she was often not horny on a regular basis. When we lived together before a period of long distance, which was coming to an end soon, we had sex perhaps once every 2 weeks on average.

I spoke to her a number of times about this during our relationship, as I am a sexual person and would like regular frequency (once per week at a minimum). She always told me that she found me attractive but she needed reminding and to really not be lazy with sex (she had to think about sex on a regular basis). I knew she had some difficult sexual experiences in earlier relationships also, and the sex waned also in her previous long term relationship. This, combined with me believing that she probably had a low libido, lead me to be understanding and not to push the issue. For me, this turned into feelings of rejection. And when we did have sex, I was probably more passive than I would have liked (not boring or vanilla, just going through the usual motions and focusing on her needs), because sex was infrequent already which doesn't lead to confidence. She never seemed that comfortable speaking about sex. We spoke about ways to improve things, but it was always initiated by me. We would sometimes agree to have sex in the evening, tease each other throughout the day, and then she'd just fall asleep later.

As a partner, I was always incredibly complimentary of her and tried to be romantic. I'd like to think I always make her feel attractive and that I couldn't get enough of her because, well, it was true. But she always seemed to have low self-esteem, and frequently complained that she was fat (she was an ultramarathon runner).

Although we are now broken up, this whole thing has affected my self-esteem massively. It feels like my ex-GF was with me for my personality only for all those years and never once was honest with me about her low sexual desire towards me, even when I brought it up from around year 2. Can someone really fool themselves for this long? Or is this a case of re-writing history? At the end, she said I had changed and we had drifted apart, but a moments thought told me that this was likely bullshit. I haven't really changed as a person over the years, we both shared the same values and life goals as when we met, we both have become fitter and healthier (both of us are in good shape) over the years etc. She couldn't tell me how I had changed either.

At the moment, I am just trying to work through these feelings. Although I know that our romantic life needed a boost, I also feel like the problems were with her, and not 'us'. She never once spoke to me about improving our romantic life in 6 years, so how was I supposed to know? I do believe she has a tendency to friendzone people, from a desire to feel wanted and needed emotionally. She always had many friends of both sexes, and I admired her ability to maintain friendships with people even when I thought they were probably hitting on her. I thought that she had strong boundaries. But now, I'm beginning to think that she doesn't have strong boundaries per se, but so longs for friendship from people that she gets too close and then believes she is in love.

Does anyone have any other thoughts?

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/15/2017 06:52 AM

Re-writing history is very common among Waywards. You are absolutely correct...if she had an issue...she should have said something...you aren't a mind reader!!

When we first meet someone we are attracted to...our body really does start a chemical reaction...so it is aptly named that we have "chemistry" between us . I researched it years ago...and can't remember the chemical names for sure...but I believe the dopamine and endorphin rush is what causes us to FEEL this amazing connection. This chemical reaction lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. It is replaced by a chemical reaction that is a little less intense...but can last a lifetime...if it is with the right person .

It seems to me that your XWGF might have felt that dopamine rush with someone else...and felt that because she didn't have that with you anymore it meant she wasn't in love anymore. Would this make sense in how she acted toward you? Sadly...this dopamine rush not only does NOT last...but it takes longer for it to get the INTENSE feeling as the first time. If your XWGF is only wanting THIS type of feeling...she will be hopping from one person to the next. For those who choose this type of life...they call it NRE...new relationship energy. This is so sad to me...because these types of people will NEVER know the other chemical reaction that happens AFTER the NRE...and lasts forever.

You really did dodge a bullet dear Sir...even though you must feel very wounded right now (((HUGS))).

IGB2017 posted 9/15/2017 07:01 AM

Ah, thanks Want2BeHappyAgain. I do feel wounded but also somewhat proud that I broke up with her in the end.

As I said to her, my idea of a spark and chemistry in a long term relationship is one of deep commitment and respect for someone, that means I enjoy being with them and want to make them happy (romantically, sexually, emotionally). It is a mature love that I can provide people.

As soon as I found out about the messages, she gradually grew distant. When we were speaking, it was obvious that she was losing the desire for physical contact over the days. When I brought up the topic of sex, I suggested going to see a sex therapist but she began to get 'stressed' at that idea. I also said that if we were going to successfully reconcile, we needed to address our issues of intimacy. She didn't seem particularly excited about that idea and even said "I'm not sure I see you like that anymore".

My main issue with this was that I question whether she sees many people like that over the long term. To feel those urges with someone, you also need to practice what you preach. And although we did have good sex when it happened (e.g. she regularly orgasmed), she was always quite lethargic with sex.

As you said, she told me that she "enjoyed the feeling of meeting someone new and them being attracted to her". She also recently moved to a new city in the last year and has many 30s-and-single friends who are chasing new loves and having sex with numerous people. I think this experience has also made her question what a healthy and meaningful long term relationship is actually about.

But regardless, I can respect her choice to not be tied down right now, I just wish she hadn't been so selfish and cowardly about it, especially after I had been an absolute pillar of support to her (this year alone, I have spent a lot of money maintaining our LDR).

IGB2017 posted 9/15/2017 07:04 AM

Double post

[This message edited by IGB2017 at 8:00 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

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