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Heart broken

Evertrying posted 9/15/2017 20:09 PM

In all of my wildest dreams, I thought I would never find myself here. I have been married to a wonderful man for 23 yrs. He is kind, loving, caring a good provider and the love of my life. I found out about his affair September 1st.
He got involved with a married woman that works for the same company.
Now I am here to say his affair is my fault. Really, it is. While I don't condone what he did and it was completely wrong, I have not been the best wife I could have been.
For years I neglected his needs and took him for granted thinking he would never leave me. I withheld sex from him and never paid attention to his feelings or his wants or desires. I was selfish, bitchy and cold. He tried several times to reach me and finally became so deflated he gave up.
This affair started as friends as most of them do, but chemistry for a perfect storm joined forces. His affair partner was also in an unhappy 25 yr marriage and the two of them became intimate. This went on for a year.
The thing is, there were NO tell tale signs: No late nights, he was always home on the weekends, no weird credit card charges, nothing. It was an affair via phone and during the day. The disgusting part is they would sneak away from work during the day and have sex in the house where she lives with her husband.
Something provoked me to check his cell phone bill and that's when I discovered it. Her phone number over and over again. When I confronted him, he quickly admitted it and said it was what I thought it was. It was like he went to her for the emotional & physical support I was not providing but came home every night and our lives went on as normal.
But, strong feelings grew from this affair and she was in love with my husband. He loved her too. He broke off the affair immediately though it's tough because they work in the same building. He has been looking for another job for months which now tells me he could see the nastiness coming down the road. I don't understand why he didn't leave me when he started having feelings for her though.
We agreed to try and work through it, but says that after years of being shut out by me it's going to be hard for him to let me back into his heart. He says he trusts me with every aspect of his life, but he is broken, distraught and in pain. Now we both are.
We talk every night and we are loving, respectful and calm with each other. He has answered every question I have asked even though many of them are painful to me. We hug, kiss, hold each other and he sensitive to my pain, but he will not be intimate with me. He says it's too soon, he is hurting and he's not ready. It's killing me. He said last night that I pushed him away for so long that he has become numb to me and isn't attracted either physically or mentally. My husband is not the norm: sex to him is the ultimate emotional connection and must feel the attraction on all levels. He has also told me that he isn't sure he will stay, though he is here and trying.
I am concerned that he cannot forgive me and will not open his heart up to me again. I love this man and have forgiven him for the affair. He doesn't blame me and takes responsibility for what he did, and we both see the damage we have caused to what was once a beautiful, loving marriage. I can only hope and trust in God that we find our way back to each other. It's going to be a long and painful journey. Thank you for listening. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Maisindu posted 9/15/2017 20:21 PM

Evertrying I'm so sorry you're here. Please let me begin by saying it's not your fault. He could have done a great number of things before an A. My story is very similar to yours. But us not being great wives wasn't an excuse for them to do that. You weren't having sex either. Probably your needs weren't met either but you didn't go find OP. So, NO, it's not your fault.
It's too soon for him to be out of the fog. Be patient. Read the articles in the Healing Library. They are really useful.
Also, I know one of the factors involved in my WH's A was midlife crisis. It could be your WH's case.
Be strong. Keep posting. We're all here for each other. Hugs. God bless you.

deephurt posted 9/15/2017 23:19 PM

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are here and he is handing you a load of bull.

He and he alone is responsible for his disgusting choice to cheat. He has exposed you to possible STD's- please get checked.

He had many choices if he was no happy. He could have told you that he would have an affair if things didn't change. He could have filed for D, no he chose the cowards way and betrayed you.

You are doing the pick me dance which doesn't work. You have forgiven him immediately for cheating because you feel like you are responsible. A lot of BS's feel that way immediately. You will come to realize that you are not and that he is the problem. You will enter the anger stage in the not too distant future.

He should be doing everything in his power to prove to you that he loves you and wants you yet he is telling you he is not sure he can be intimate with you? He is still in the fog. He is still thinking he is in love with a woman he had a fantasy relationship in.
This affair was based on lies and was only sustained in fantasy land full of ego kibbles. It is not a true relationship but he has not had the A fantasyland bubble popped yet. These strong feelings are fantasy. The real world involves stress and fights over money, being sick, working on your M, bills, household chores, etc.

Take control of the situation and don't let him deflect blame onto you at all. He is doing that and you are letting him.

You husband is the norm. Most men and women-sex is extremely important for emotional connections for most people.

To me, it sounds like he is rewriting the marital history and you are buying it. Don't

When infidelity happens, the wound to the BS is severe. You can't work on the M before the A is worked on. Your WH needs to figure why he is the type of person that took the cowards way out of dealing with a problem in the m instead of facing it. He needs to figure out why he decided that betraying someone and causing the worst pain was acceptable to him. Then you can work on the M.

Also he says he has been shut out by you? The ultimate shut out is him developing feelings and having an A with someone else. He is numb to you because he had an A and developed feelings for that person. He emotionally left the M the second he developed any kind of intimate feelings for AP. He let you live a lie.

I am so angry at your WH on your behalf.

ChamomileTea posted 9/16/2017 06:55 AM

What you deserved if you were a "bad" wife, was for your husband to be an honest, adult, human being and come to you with it, to tell you "here's my list of what's not working for me.. we can either fix it or part ways". Instead, he went behind your back like a sneak-thief, possibly exposed you to myriad venereal diseases, risked your mental health and your family dynamic.. as well as that of another family. From what you've said, he went into another man's HOME and screwed his wife. "Wonderful" people don't do that.

You know, we ALL understand what you're going through because we've all been there. And the first kneejerk response is to try and put Humpty Dumpty back together again, to take responsibility for what happened because if it was our fault than we are IN CONTROL of it.

We hug, kiss, hold each other and he sensitive to my pain, but he will not be intimate with me. He says it's too soon, he is hurting and he's not ready. It's killing me. He said last night that I pushed him away for so long that he has become numb to me and isn't attracted either physically or mentally. My husband is not the norm: sex to him is the ultimate emotional connection and must feel the attraction on all levels.

Or.... he's blame-shifting and while he might be present in your home, he's in actuality being "faithful" to the OW. That's what the "it's too soon" excuse is typically about. And as long as he's still "faithful" to the OW, he's still immersed in the affair, whether he's acting on it or not. And I'll be honest with you, when they've become this enmeshed, the affair usually either restarts or just goes deeper underground.

I do believe in repairing marriages when possible. In fact, I'm in reconciliation with a formerly cheating spouse myself. But the first rules are that the affair has to be OVER and the WS needs to take complete responsibility for his choice to cheat. You own 50% of the problems in the marriage, but he owns 100% of his choice to cheat. Even if you feel like your responsibility for the marital problems were 90%, it's not true. He has a mouth, he has adult agency, and HE is ultimately responsible for getting his needs met and for his half or the marriage.

You're only two weeks from DDay and you've been blindsided. But here's the takeaway... you didn't do this. He did. And he has to be the one to step up to the plate and fix it. The reason we say "never do the Pick Me dance" is because the underlying character defects of the cheater cannot be repaired when he's allowed to blame-shift and avoid taking responsibility for his own calculated choices. That leaves you, the betrayed spouse, jumping through hoops for the rest of your life just trying to keep him from stabbing you in the back again.

Does the OW's husband know about this affair? Have you seen an attorney yet to explore your options if you catch him cheating again? Has he scheduled counseling? Has he handed over all his phones, apps, and passwords? Has he set up any type of accountability system? What is he DOING to regain your trust???

I'm so sorry this happened to you. And no... you're not at all weird for feeling like this was your fault. So many of us go through that. But no matter what you did or didn't do, nothing can make a person of good character act in ways which are outside his personal value system. Healing can't happen until your WH takes REAL responsibility for what he did.

((hugs))

shiloe posted 9/16/2017 06:58 AM

You must tell the other BS. What did he do to deserve this?

Craztcat829 posted 9/16/2017 07:40 AM

I am so very sorry that you are here. So much of your story could be mine. But I refused to take responsibility for the A. What I did was take responsibility for my actions. But the A was solely and selfishly his. He could have told you that things weren't working. He could have suggested MC but he didn't. Same here. He went outside your marriage-1st mistake and confided in someone of the opposite sex-2nd mistake. And as you said-perfect storm. In our case, there was no love between them so R has been mutual and committed. I pray you get into MC. Please stop blaming yourself. It takes two and make him culpable for his actions. I will be praying

Evertrying posted 9/16/2017 11:12 AM

Me again. My husband does take full responsibility for his actions in all of this. I blame myself for not paying attention to him that he thought having an affair was a good idea. He wants to start really diving in and talking about what's in our hearts and said for the first time in a long time he feels he can finally talk to me and I am listening. I never really did in the past and always brushed his feelings away as unimportant. He has agreed to open his heart but is worried about some of what he wants to say because he knows some of it will be painful for me to hear. I am not sure if this means it's about her, or if it's a history lesson of how he's become so distant from me and why. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's how she filled the void for him.
The affair is over and he let's me see all his phone logs, email, Facebook etc, though I am sure since it's only been 2 weeks he is still going through withdrawls from her. Still in the fog. I am happy though that he's opening up and willing to start really hitting the rough spots we need to address. I know you all think he's a douche and right now I think he is too, but I want to give our marriage every chance to survive. I know for a fact that the OW was ready to leave her husband and was just waiting for my husband to pull the plug on us, but he didn't. Regardless of what everyone thinks, I know that if it were me and I was having the affair, I probably would have split along time ago. Something kept him here and it isn't children because we don't have any. I know he loves her, but as we all know it's not real love. He knows this was a sleazy, secret, and dirty affair not based on anything with honesty, integrity or trust. But he's still in the fog. I have made a list of everything I need him to do to make me feel safe and secure. When he comes home tonight we are going to start down that road of pure and raw discussion regardless of how painful it's going to be. It needs to come out, it needs to be exposed and it needs to be fixed. I just pray God gives me the strength to get through it.

Lowlow posted 9/16/2017 11:20 AM

Since he us still working with OW, this is a problem. And since he was caught, it will take some time to remove his head from his ass. That's what the "I'm not ready to be intimate with you" and the "you pushed me away from you" is all about.

He needs to quit his job....and perhaps let his hr department know why as the affair took place at work during work hours. This will make you feel safer and will serve as both a marker of his intention to reconcile...and will help him pull his head out of his ass with regard to affair person.

Have you sent a no contact letter to affair person? That helped me. My WH wrote it and sent it to her while I watched. That finally ended his affair (as they both continued contact six weeks after he confessed.yes, he confessed but thought it was still acceptable to be friends)

This is a long journey, regardless of whether you divorce or reconcile.

Do take care

[This message edited by Lowlow at 1:25 PM, September 16th (Saturday)]

Craztcat829 posted 9/16/2017 14:16 PM

My husband and OW are still employees of the same company. They were originally on the same shift but because she felt like the wounded one, she moved to another shift. No sympathy here. Until that happened, I made myself a presence at his job and made sure she saw that. We had already had a job loss with financial detriment so getting a new job was not an option. I am thankful he saw her for every ugly thing she was and was truly regretful. I know this isn't the solution for everyone but it is what works here. I pray that you are able to do the work and get through to the other side.

Evertrying posted 9/16/2017 15:46 PM

My husband has been looking and interviewing for other jobs for months now. He has an offer, but it's a special job with the federal government and the process takes FOREVER. He has wanted to get out of where he works for a very long time and I think the OW is part of the reason. We are not in a financial position for him to just quit and not have any income. We make very good money and support a lifestyle that would cause great financial disruption if we only had one income. The good thing is the company he works for is huge and he does not work on the same team or even on the same floor with the OW. Their only meeting chance would be in the lobby. He has done everything to avoid her and though he has betrayed and lied to me about his affair, I actually believe that he is wanting to stay clear of her. He knows that not only was I hurt and devastated by his actions, so was the OW and her husband as well. My husband is relieved I think in a way because it's finally out in the open and he is no longer living a double life full of lies, deceit and secrets. Don't get me wrong, I HATE the OW and will always. She broke code: You don't ever sleep with someone else's husband. She knew he was married, knew he was falling apart and having issues with me and what she should have done was told him to go talk to his wife. Yet she chose to be a participating entity in this mess. For the life of me and don't know what they were thinking. How was this ever going to end well? Obviously they were both selfish and didn't think at all about anyone but themselves. Karma is a bitch and I hope it bites her right in the ass.

Jesusismyanchor posted 9/16/2017 22:59 PM

Im sorry you are here and hurting. Betrayal is devastating and heartbreaking. I'm glad he is actively trying to get another job. I believe this is best. I think is is good that you are open to looking at your role in the M. It sounds like this had been a big wake up call to you both about your M.

Having said that.....you did not cause infidelity on his part!!!!!. It was a cowardly and selfish coping mechanism on his part. It is wrong. There are many other things he could have chosen to do to address the issues in the M: Infidelity was ugly, wrong and selfish. It risked our health. He lied and deceived like crazy. He wrongly slept with another man's W and disrespected that M too. Please Do not own his poor choices. He needs to look within himself on that one. He could have asked for a separation or D. He could have asked to go to counseling. He could have communicated issues and needs that he had to you directly.

Haviing said that, it sounds like you want R. You guys sound like possible good candidates for that. You said he is owning his part. Let him! You are willing to work in the M too. There are many successful R out there with 2 willing people that chose that path. He also had the chance to leave and he didn't take it.

But please.....do not say his affair is your fault again. It will possibly lead you to rugsweep and him not get the help
He need to become a safe partner/

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:00 PM, September 16th (Saturday)]

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