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The words that cannot be unheard

againX2 posted 9/15/2017 21:15 PM

My WH wants to reconcile. I refuse. WH wants to reconcile. I refuse. This is my life. I am sick of hearing him say he is sorry. He loves me. He does not want to give up on us.
He is not sorry. He only loves himself. I gave up on us the day he answered the question "if I did not find out about all of your cheating, would it still be going on?" and his response was (while looking at me over his reading glasses "yes, there is a good chance it would still be going on."
Those words killed me. They destroyed any chance of reconciliation. His justification for his answer "you insisted on honesty and I am just being honest."
Great, fabulous, wonderful. My honest answer "get the fuck out of my life you disgusting arrogant selfish pig. Go be with one of your whores. Stay away from me."
I guess it is my fault because I insisted on honesty.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/15/2017 21:42 PM

Basically, my FWH said the same thing. Generally, most WS's aren't sorry and don't stop until they are caught. When actions meet consequences is when it all comes very real for them.

Your call, of course, but as much as my FWH's answers pained me (when asked he told me the sex was passionate...owie!), I preferred the truth instead of him saying what I wanted to hear or what he thought I wanted to hear. That was our marriage pre d-day, him lying or telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. We were changing things after d-day. Honesty and transparency. He didn't tell me these things to hurt me. He knew it was the only way to build trust.

I am sorry, I know that was hard to hear. It was hard to hear my FWH say the same. (((againX2)))

Jesusismyanchor posted 9/15/2017 21:49 PM

I didn't ask that question because I already knew the answer. In fact I tells it at him km anger: I was disgusted and hurt. He may have stopped it at some point but as long as it lived in the dark he could live in a fantasy. He had actually mentioned changing jobs. I did not know why. He was trying to figure out how to end it. However.....I already know it would noynhvr stoppednotherwose on Deeber 28th 2016. . Any WS that claims otherwise who was caught would be lying. He told you the truth. The truth is sad. My H is now facing reality and it is brutal! I guess it just depends on what you are willing to do with it after everything is in the light and there is no more hiding. I'm sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 9:52 PM, September 15th (Friday)]

smokenfire posted 9/15/2017 21:55 PM

For what it's worth, there is no right or wrong way per se to deal with this (murder is wrong, but whatever else varies wildly from human to human). For some folks it's just flat out a deal breaker.

You don't get or give kudos for honesty when it's about an incredibly messed up thing you choose to do.

Perhaps for you this is a deal breaker?

It happens, I've seen people who really wanted to work things out and after a long time of very painful trying, they just can't move past it.

I'm sorry :(

You have been heard.

Unhinged posted 9/15/2017 21:56 PM

I'm still quite certain that had I not caught my FWW, she'd have continued to cheat. Confessions are rare, unfortunately.

deephurt posted 9/15/2017 22:10 PM

My WH said he had decided to stop 5 months before DDay. He said he stopped having sex with her. Except, I have pictures that are just over a month before DDay where they met and had been making out-apparently no intercourse....just kissing and fondling.

He said he was trying but apparently not very hard. He seemed to think they could continue talking all day, everyday.

He says he is sure he would have stopped-I said not a chance or you would have.

It was an addiction and he needed DDay to snap out of it.

How people get to the point of betraying the person they say they love is something I can't wrap my head around.

CaptainRogers posted 9/15/2017 22:22 PM

On D-day, I asked my wife pretty much the same thing. If I hadn't caught you, would you have told me? Her response? "I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't hurt you like that."

What? You couldn't bring yourself to hurt me by being honest, so you decided to hide the relationship you were having with the guy who spent 8+ hours a day in my house while I was at work? Like THAT wasn't going to hurt me?

Sometimes I wonder how the BS doesn't actually take a real 2x4 to the WS to knock some sense into them...

Dontwanttogiveup posted 9/15/2017 22:42 PM

Funny, my WH said the exact same thing when I asked him that question. He said "if she was willing, yes, it would still be going on." But she was not willing because he was supposed to have left me already and couldnt and that pissed her off. But I will say since DDay we have (I believe) been the most open and honest we have ever been with each other. No matter how much it hurt me he has answered my questions honestly. Which is what I wanted. It hurts like hell, but now i know and dont have to guess about what went on in my head. He was having his cake and eating it too, why would he have stopped it? Because he felt bad for me? Thats funny, I think not.

tiredofcrying59 posted 9/15/2017 23:36 PM

Sometimes I wonder how the BS doesn't actually take a real 2x4 to the WS to knock some sense into them...

In my case, the temptation was great.

mouthkeptshut posted 9/15/2017 23:40 PM

I heard the same thing, but I asked that question a few times. Other answers I got were I don't know, or she was *really close* to ending and confessing all...the truth is, who can say what really would have happened? This is all hypothetical and we don't live in the subjunctive.

For me, it doesn't matter much if it would have went on longer had I not found out. I'm fairly certain it would have -- why would it have stopped arbitrarily if not discovered? In my case the info was there all along; had I snooped sooner, I would have found out sooner. So, in that version of reality, the answer to "would this have gone on longer had I not found out?" would obviously be 'yes'.

So what really hurts is that it happened at all. It doesn't matter if they had sex 1 time or a million -- in this case the difference is less than that between never and once.

There aren't really any good answers to A questions. It's all pain. It's either painful honesty or insulting lies. The answer that hurt the least about "why" it happened was a very simple "because I wanted to."

RomanticInnocenc posted 9/15/2017 23:58 PM

My wh wouldn't have ended his unless it helped him in some way. Part of creating a secret life is compartmentalising it so well that the two worlds rarely, if it can be avoided, intersect. My wh didn't have physical sex with any of his APs but he told me he would have eventually. It was just a matter of time.

I think you are trying to find a way to see him as "not that bad" "at least he..." etc in trying to reason out this horrible thing. The fact is, everyone in an affair is a selfish asshole, it was all about them, we didn't factor in to it. It is rare for a ws to find their way out of that alone and want to atone for it. So of course it wouldn't end because of us, if that were the case, it would never have started to begin with. I would think most ws's that see the light and confess begin by doing it because of the impact on themselves. The feeling of carrying the guilt, the hardship of living a double life and the pressure of keeping a secret. Remorse comes later when they see the full devastation of their actions on another and how it changes them.

DebraVation posted 9/16/2017 03:16 AM

Mine was having lunch with her the day before DDay so yeah I know it would have carried on.

Funnily enough, he was 'trying to end it' too. As was OW according to her husband. Neither of them were trying very hard.

Of course, in a lot of cases it would still be going on because they're living in a fantasy bubble until they suddenly get a rude awakening on DDay.

Only you can decide what to do next - there's no right or wrong answer to that.

folio44 posted 9/16/2017 04:35 AM

It's a hard thing to accept, knowing they would have continued if we had not found out, but it's a fact and over time and R, I have come to accept it and I try not to think about it.

WH said he was waiting another 6 months before deciding to stop the infidelity or not, I called BS on that.

I observed him in silence bf telling him I knew, so I know for a fact he was getting more and more attached in the emotional part, the calls and texts were multiplying, so I don't believe he would have ever stopped.

NoMercy posted 9/16/2017 06:07 AM

You're smart.

He's a serial cheater and likely always will be. Most don't just stop cheating simply because they were caught. They just up their game at home and schmooze you and make empty promises and become 'Super Husband' until they know they've sufficiently satisfied you and then most just go right back to what they know best.

They just get a lot sneakier.

At least he's honest - had you not caught him, of course he'd still be cheating to this day. If I'm being brutally honest, he likely hasn't stopped for good. Just temporarily, because right now he needs to focus on trying to get back in your good graces and avoiding divorce court.

Such is life with a serial cheater. They always put their own interests first.

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