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He's asking for a one sided open relationship

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DragnHeart posted 9/18/2017 12:45 PM

I'm not allowed to have sex with other men and quite frankly don't want to. The thought of being with anyone other than him sickens me.

Unless you aren't having sex with him then you are having sex with every woman he's sleeping with...Condoms are not 100% safe and a player like him probably doesn't use them...(IMHO).

I don't know if it's been mentioned yet but go get some STD testing. Asap.


Iwantmyglasses posted 9/18/2017 12:47 PM

My mother was 28. Had four children. Only a GED. Youngest child was special needs.

We were so so so poor. She worked two waitressing jobs to support us.

She met the man who adopted all four of her children. He is college educated and successful.

He loves my mother because she is a lady. My adopted father is an amazing man. He loves my mother. He loves her children. We had no father at all. Our bio father abused my mother and us. We had baggage.

But my parents managed to date and marry. They have. Wen married for over 30 years. Still very in love.

So don't accept trash.

Greeneyesbluezy posted 9/18/2017 12:55 PM

Asking,

He has lied to you for two years.

He is very masterfully manipulating you now into drawing some boundaries for his cheating. He does this so you can "feel" as if you have some control. Very cunning.

You feel sick at the thought of having sex with anyone else, but truthfully you've slept with everyone he's slept with for the past two years. You just didn't know it nor get to have any fun.

You don't have baggage; you have children and history. There are plenty of real men out there who would never treat a woman this way.

Teach your children about the importance of self-respect.

Run, very fast.

twisted posted 9/18/2017 13:02 PM

I'm not allowed to have sex with other men and quite frankly don't want to.

For argument purposes, say you want to. Would that be a deal killer for him? Basically being friends with benefits, except you get no benefits doesn't seem fair, does it?
More info please. Are you living with him? Who's house and who's paying the bills?
Do you both have a job? Are you even considering this because he supporting you? Why is he thinking this is a good idea? Does he think he needs more sex than he's getting?

This will never, ever, work.

WhatsRight posted 9/18/2017 13:07 PM

There can be NO acceptable ending to a sentence that begins with...

"Aside from the cheating..."

NONE.

Brave30 posted 9/18/2017 13:09 PM

Asking,

Please don't think that I'm in any way bashing your parenting. I just want you to see that you are worth more than what this guy is offering you.

I wouldn't ever want my daughters to be in this situation. I guide them and talk to them daily to make the right choices in life and know their self worth so hey never have to settle for less than they deserve.

So, if you can offer this advice to your daughters, why can't you offer it to yourself?

Be your own best friend. I think deep down you realize that you deserve better. 32 is still young! I'm 33. I was 28 when my XH and I separated due to his multiple affairs. I, too, was worried (I know it sounds ridiculous now) that I'd be a divorced mom with a couple kids and no one would want to be bothered with all of my baggage. Guess what? The guys that felt that way weren't the right guys for me. There were a couple players that I saw right through and eventually I met an amazing man. He is a single dad, who adores his child, and mine. He is honest, kind, caring, makes me laugh. And, he doesn't cheat. He has integrity.

That guy could be waiting out there for you! And, even if it takes a while for it to happen, isn't that better than be stuck in a "relationship" with a man who essentially doesn't respect you? What do YOU want? What do YOU deserve? Don't ever settle! You are worthy of a man who is devoted to you! Don't put your mental, emotional, and physical well-being in jeopardy for this guy.

Take some time for you. Keep posting here. Vent and scream and cry. Know that everyone offering you advice has been where you are and we are saying these things because we care. We want you out of infidelity and on the path to healing.

I'm sending you hugs!!!!

EvenKeel posted 9/18/2017 13:09 PM

would let me know if he was talking to anyone else and he would make sure they knew about me
Sure he would...because he was so honest the past two years.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a strong woman and mother. I am sure this is not the example of a relationship you want to set for your children (or another woman). You may think you know what your children see (and what they are shielded from) but they will know more.

My dad ran around and I knew (I was only seven). My ex ran around and I never told a soul (including my own family) but my kids knew.

I agree with others. You thinking you have to settle for a partial relationship due to your situation is just not true. I have no doubt you are a very good catch and there are men out there whole would be thrilled to be with you and your children in a loyal relationship.

....even if not. It is better to be happy, healthy and single then do what he is asking.

However, he says he loves me and no one else but there are things that he feels like are lacking in our relationship
If there is something lacking in your relationship for him....then it is not the relationship for him. What he is asking is very unfair and selfish. So what happens when he finds someone who he deems is "the whole package" for him? You compromised your integrity this whole time and he is gone? Wasting that portion of your life.

I am sorry, this stinks. You are worth so much more. If the can't see that - FTG.

OrdinaryDude posted 9/18/2017 13:14 PM

...and that's another reason why I'm so baffled that he would need something more.

The reason is simple, he's a piece of crap that doesn't deserve you.

You are better than this, please do not allow him to do this to you.

Move on and find a man worthy of sharing your life with.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/18/2017 16:07 PM

I'm not trying to downplay that at all but besides the cheating we have a wonderful time together and have an incredible attraction to each other.

Please read what you wrote here. What would be your response to someone else saying this?

My WH and I had a great sex life too. I was always really confident and was sure I was leaving him more than satisfied. I mean when my husband moaned "that's ridiculous" because something I'm doing feels so good that it's off the hook for him, I thought there will never be a need for him to look elsewhere. I've always been insanely attracted to him, so it was always great for me too. This thinking led to a false sense of security.

You get along well, laugh and enjoy each other's company. Great. But he's enjoying the company of other women and more. It should bother you to think of him talking to and laughing with someone else. Thoughts of my WH enjoying the company of the MOW he had a LTA with hurt like hell. Sometimes more than thinking about the sex they had.

You say you're not allowed to have sex with other men. The problem with that sentence is "allowed". He can sleep with whoever he wants but you're not allowed to. I understand completely that your integrity and morals make that something that is not possible. But shouldn't the same apply to him? Can you really live a life in a one sided open relationship? I don't think so or you wouldn't be here.

Does anyone in your life know what he is doing to you? Have you confided in anyone? My guess is they would tell you the same things you are reading on this thread. If you haven't spoken to someone close to you, please do so. He is abusing you, manipulating you and controling you. You have the power to make it stop.

((((Hugs))))

latebloomer45 posted 9/18/2017 16:39 PM

PLEASE get some IC to see why you accept being in this abusive relationship. We're all flawed...what makes you think you have to accept these crumbs of a relationship?

PLEASE see that no matter what you say, your ACTIONS are what speak to your four children.

PLEASE tell that motherfucker to go away forever. It will hurt, it already DOES hurt, I know. The difference is the faster he is gone from your life, the faster you can heal.

tessthemess posted 9/18/2017 16:44 PM

There's a reason that it's called CHEATING.

And just making it open doesn't make it better.

Are you sure you want to be a booty call? Because you're just going to be one of many for this guy. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. You're not enough for him. He thinks higher of himself than he does of you. You aren't his equal in his eyes. He's nice to you but is he? Is sleeping around with other women really nice to you?

You do you. I was sort of in your shoes, emotionally. "He's an asshole but he's MY asshole" was my mantra with my husband. But you know what? When I set boundaries and held to them life got BETTER. They don't respect a lack of boundaries, these kinds of guys. They're not men. They're abusive. And trust me, it will be okay.

Don't be afraid of standing up for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It will be okay. Better than okay! It will be hard at first, scary. But in the end, BETTER.

cancuncrushed posted 9/18/2017 16:44 PM

This is so incredibly selfish....is he controlling in your relationship?

The answer is no....and never let anyone treat you like this....he is not a good mate....he lies, he insults, he degrades you, and most importantly, hes already proved to be a cheater...what are you saving?....let him go...

you are worth more then this, and could do so much better then this...

starting over sucks...being alone sucks...dating many, sucks....but it doesn't suck as much as being with him for years...anything has to be better.

Be smart...be the one that knows better.

Hes been messing with your mind for two years..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:45 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

Heart posted 9/18/2017 16:51 PM

I hear you. You had a great relationship because you didn't know he was cheating. To your face he is most likely great. It's behind your back that's the problem. Now you know. It's time to be thankful for the happy times you shared but move on without him.

sassylee posted 9/18/2017 16:58 PM

He is abusing you. He has spent the past years grooming you to accept this.

I am very glad you are here questioning this.

clarity5544 posted 9/18/2017 17:03 PM

I just want to say that I agree with everyone here who is telling you this man is abusive and bad for you.

There are people who have successful open relationships. The main thing that makes those successful is that both partners *want* to be in one.

You caught your boyfriend cheating on you, and now he is retroactively trying to excuse it by saying he wants an open relationship. No. Just no.

If he was honest, valued you above all others (like he says he does, right?), and wanted to put your relationship first (like he says he does, right?) - he would have come to you before having sex with other women to have this discussion about an open relationship. That's how responsible people who have open relationships generally conduct themselves.

No, the fact that he hid, and cheated, and got caught, and only then brought forward this unequal open relationship suggestion - well he's just a POS trying to excuse his bad behavior with your blessing.

Don't do it. If you do decide to stay with him, and ultimately that is your decision to make, please be sure to treat this as a dishonest, cheating, infidelity. Don't give him the absolution he is requesting. He cheated. He lied. He put your health at risk, and put his relationship with your children at risk as well. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to deal with this issue head-on as CHEATING - not growing pains into an open relationship.

And also, if people are really into open relationships, and they tell their partners that, and the partner says - I'm not comfortable with that - the open person needs to BACK THE FUCK OFF. It is not ok that he is trying to pressure you into something that makes you uncomfortable - and again, that's not how open relationships work. People enter open relationships because they are looking for something sexy, new, fun and exciting. Not because they are pressure, anxious or afraid of losing their partner.

If he really wants to be open, and you really don't, a responsible person will say, hey I guess we aren't compatible in this really important way, so we should separate. But that's not his response, right? He's trying to guilt you into it. He's just an opportunistic piece of shit who gives honestly open relationships a bad name.

I wish for you peace of mind and the strength to do what you know needs to be done.

strugglebus posted 9/18/2017 17:06 PM

Open relationships are based in honesty, he has shown himself to be comfortable lying. It takes honesty, communication, and trust to have an open relationship and he has broken your trust. He isn't a good candidate for an open relationship.

strugglebus posted 9/18/2017 17:10 PM

Also please re-read everything Malibu Bay Breeze wrote again.

ChamomileTea posted 9/18/2017 17:11 PM

I'm sorry for your pain, really. We all understand the emotional devastation of betrayal.

Here's the thing though... you have a guy with NO BOUNDARIES in your home around your daughters. It's not safe. Not safe for you. And not safe for your girls.

Mama bear first. Curb-stomp this guy.

Unhinged posted 9/18/2017 17:16 PM

...there are things that he feels like are lacking in our relationship so he seeks out other women.
There may be things missing in your relationship, but seeking them out from other women is just sick and twisted. Whatever it is that he 'needs' from these women, is not healthy, not right, not moral, not normal!

If my FWW had ever said anything like this, I'd have thrown her out on her ass.

vampyre75 posted 9/18/2017 22:52 PM

If you agree to this it will mentally destroy you because it's going against your moral fiber. You think it's bad now just thinking about it, how do you think you are going to deal with it when you know he's flirting with another woman, or when he actually goes to have sex with her?
At the very least if you are going to stay with him tell him you'll only agree to it if you are allowed to do it too.
But in all seriousness, if you don't agree to it, it's highly likely he will do it anyway. Do you really want a lifetime of lies and being cheated on? You are setting yourself for a miserable life. You and your time are precious, don't waste it on someone like him.

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