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He's asking for a one sided open relationship

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Bobbi_sue posted 9/20/2017 09:31 AM

I know this sounds crazy to anyone that hasn't been put in this situation.
Well, in my first M, after one session with an IC, my XH came home and told me the IC said he should start by seeing if I'd be willing to allow an open M.

I don't know if he made that up, or the IC was that bad. Either way, I never encouraged him to go back to her and it would be over my dead body that I would consider agreeing to such an arrangement.

MST3Kfan posted 9/20/2017 10:14 AM

Askingwhy,

Will sound like a broken record, but as everyone else is chiming in, I would say NO, NO, NO, NO. Get away from the situation and don't look back!

I might be able to relate better then others, because I was in your situation in regards to my EXWW and agreed to essentially a one sided open relationship. When EXWW cheated on me, two or three ONS, and told me finally 20 months ago, I was obviously devastated. She said she told me out of guilt of lying to me and wanted to come clean. I was in such shock and pain, I reacted in the worst possible way. I didn't have the advantage of having found this site yet....how I wish daily that I had.

In my fear and pain, I tried to reason and plead, played the pick me dance. After talking for a couple of weeks, she suggested that we open our relationship. It would allow her to find the few things she said was lacking in our relationship, but she was committed to me, loved me, I was the one that she was "choosing" to have a life with. Grasping at straws, I agreed to it, even if I wasn't in anyway interested in finding other "partners" or anything remotely close to it. We agreed on rules and guidelines to ensure I knew everything going on. Fuck, I was so stupid!

In hindsight, she had been in contact with multiple guys from different dating sites. Had emotional relationships with a number of them, was constantly in contact with them, often to the lack of any decent communication between us. I turned a blind eye to parts of it because I was trying to do my part to raise and be engaged with our children, act like I was fine to the outside world, trying to keep my shit together, and failing miserably.

The first time she went on a "date" with one of her other guys, if gutted me, and she could see that it was, and still went regardless. Oh, if I could go back and talk to myself 18 months ago, I might have saved so much more anguish and total humiliation to myself. It in no way, shape or form, allowed us to "grow as a couple". I was a willing participant in the continued betrayal of my trust and love. Easily the dumbest thing I have done since learning of her cheating. Of course, after 6 months of 3 or 4 more partners, she still decided we were just to far apart and no real chance that we would work out. Thank god she got to go fuck around without hiding it from me though!

Don't subject yourself to the humiliation and disrespect. I was better than what I allowed myself to endure.......and you are too!!!!

PeaceLily210 posted 9/20/2017 10:23 AM

I wouldn't ever want my daughters to be in this situation. I guide them and talk to them daily to make the right choices in life and know their self worth so hey never have to settle for less than they deserve. I realize that this is contradictory but they know nothing of what is going on in my relationship.

So all I'm going to say is, children don't do as they're told, children do as they see

^^^THIS

My father was a serial cheater. Everyone knew this though no one talked about it. I once caught him kissing my babysitter. Another time I saw him making out with a very young woman from our church. It was the elephant under the carpet in our home, along with his drinking. My mother had no idea how much we knew.
My father also wanted LOTS of children. Due to medical difficulties my mother could only have 3. My father insisted he needed more children to feel complete. One day he told her that he had this great plan. He would have children with another woman they both knew, who was kind of crazy (bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenic - suffered from audio and visual hallucinations). Then when he could prove that this woman was incapable of raising the children, he'd just bring those kids home to my mother to raise. Problem solved.
And no... I'm NOT kidding.
Though she had said no to his plan, she continued to bury her head in the sand where his cheating was concerned. Eventually he left her for the "crazy" OW after my mother discovered OW was indeed pregnant.
My mother told me this when I was in my late 20s, years and years after their D. It was confirmed by my father and OW who had by that time become my step mother.
While the D was going on, mom met my step father. He, like my father SAID he loved and respected her while he ogled and flirted with other women. He SAID he'd never cheat on her because he knew how badly my fathers betrayal had destroyed her. One day I caught him with another woman in their home while my mom was in the hospital. He insisted she was wearing lingerie because he'd let her come over to do her laundry...
He was discovered getting too close to this other woman often. My mother would confront him and he would SAY he loved mom. He would SAY he'd never cheat on her. He would SAY he had great boundaries with other women to protect his M. My mother would stay.

Honestly, I can go on and on and on with examples where my mother modeled exactly the opposite of what she SAID to me regarding relationships. She SAID I should never accept disrespect. She SAID I should know my self worth. She consistently showed me something different.

Well guess what. BOTH of the men I chose to marry, while thinking I was choosing well each time, were in so many ways the same as the men my mother chose. I chose men who SAID they respected me. They SAID they'd never cheat on me. The SAID they recognized my worth. There were red flags all over the place but those warning behaviors had been normalized for so long that I couldn't see them for what they were.

and here I am in my 50s hoping and praying that I didn't screw my kids up as much as my own parents did...

annb posted 9/20/2017 12:24 PM

Hi, a bit late to the party, but I agree with the others.

This guy is absolutely a complete jerk.

Why, oh why, would you allow yourself to be disrespected and treated like a piece of trash? He is not your friend, he doesn't value the relationship, and he is probably one of the worst role models for your children.

He won't stay. Please understand that. It's just a matter of time, run as fast as you can.

Also please get yourself checked for STDS asap.

So, so, sorry, he has shown you who he truly is, please believe him.

Idiotmcstupid posted 9/20/2017 13:00 PM

Almost anyone would be a better partner in life than your husband. And being alone would be highly superior than being with someone who willingly crushes your soul every single day.
Please think about this. He does not value you. He probably treats his relationship with his job better than he treats you.
I feel that he is so lacking in any empathy or ability to love that you are simply wasting your time on him. He has a long way to go to be a good partner to anyone, and (I hate to say this to you but i feel like i have to) your actions have only showed him that he can do whatever he wants to his spouse without any consequences. And he is RUNNING with that, therefore the 1-sided open relationship he is asking for.
Please leave him for you and your children's health and well-being. And get yourself to a counselor as fast as you can. You will be surprised how much it helps.
I hope the best for you.

Gman1 posted 9/20/2017 13:33 PM

Not to sound to harsh but...
Don't waste another minute of your time on him. There is no future with him. He has already cheated on you. And now he wants to be a man whore plus have you on the side?
NO WAY, NO HOW.
There is someone out there who will love you and treat you right with the respect that you deserve and will be faithful. Your current BF is taking advantage of you and the situation.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/20/2017 13:51 PM

I feel bad for you 'Askingwhy'. Your choices in men have led you to the place where you are, and your fear of being alone and fear that you'll never find anyone better, is keeping you there.

You've chosen a hard life for yourself. I respect your decision. Just don't live angry or bitter over behaviors that you allow in your life.

Take care of yourself.

smokenfire posted 9/20/2017 14:57 PM

You have daughters. I don't really care what you tell them, it's what you show them that matters. I chose to stay with a personality disordered person for twenty five years. My son is dead as a result of that and my girls married men EXACTLY like him. They will pick men who will treat them like he's treating you because that's what kids do. They do what you show, not what you say.

If you can't get out for yourself, show them that a strong woman can say oh hell no and leave.

My only regret in life (I am fifty) is that I exposed my children to him for their whole lives. We would have all been better off poor and alone then with him.

Notthevictem posted 9/20/2017 15:42 PM

Askingwhy, you still with us?

Askingwhy posted 9/20/2017 21:36 PM

I'm sorry I've been quiet guys. I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions, but I've read your posts and I really appreciate the outpouring of support from so many people that don't even know me.
So to answer some of your questions... my boyfriend and I do not live together, but we are together 5-6 days out of the week. Tonight is one of the nights that we're not together and I'm going insane thinking about what he might be doing. He texted me goodnight but never goes to bed this early. Yesterday he told me he was rethinking what he was asking of me and he didn't have the desire to do it anymore because he could see how bad it hurt me( I'm not buying) after everything that's happened I don't trust him. I feel like I'm literally going insane. So much so that I'm going to drive by his house to make sure there isn't another car in his driveway.

toonces posted 9/20/2017 22:11 PM

run Forrest, run.....

please listen to the advice given here.

LM2017 posted 9/20/2017 22:31 PM

I also don't want to come across as being the victim because it's as much my fault as it is his because I've enabled his behavior. I'm 32 years old and I have 4 children. I feel like anyone I'm going to be with isn't going to be perfect because I'm not perfect and I have too much baggage, so in a way I feel like I have to accept what would usually be unacceptable.


Askingwhy, you are who you are. Any man worth your consideration should accept you, and your perceived baggage, as is, or they need to move along. You are not responsible for this guy's bad behavior, he is. Reading your words above, makes me question whether you are in touch with your own self-worth? You wouldn't be here on SI if you thought this he behavior was normal and acceptable. You do not have to settle for this jerk.

You, nor anyone else deserves to be treated like this by their so called mate. I do not think it's worth further damage to your self-esteem or self-worth by continuing to remain in a relationship with this jerk. Once you've kicked his ass to the curb, and taken time to heal, you will realize the bullet you've dodged.

devotedman posted 9/20/2017 22:48 PM

I also don't want to come across as being the victim because it's as much my fault as it is his because I've enabled his behavior. I'm 32 years old and I have 4 children. I feel like anyone I'm going to be with isn't going to be perfect because I'm not perfect and I have too much baggage, so in a way I feel like I have to accept what would usually be unacceptable.

I quoted this because no matter how many times I read it I just cannot understand feeling that way.

Look, I'm a certain way that I'm okay with. Some women would put up with me as I am, some wouldn't, and some would leap at the chance. Guess which set I focus on? And I try to pick healthy ones to interact with.

When I got together with xWGF she as 35-ish with three girls at home. Didn't bother me in the least. I didn't try to parent them but I did interact with them. It just isn't that big a deal to a guy that is, IDK, healthy? Adjusted?

Also, do not agree to some sort of open relationship if that is not what you want to do. If you do not respect yourself then how can you get respect from others?

Don't settle. Just don't.

changeneeded posted 9/20/2017 22:52 PM

So, is this your dream? This is what you've desired since you were young? an open marriage but only for him, because after all, he really is so much more important than you. Oh what a beautiful, romantic relationship you can share with your grand daughter when she has only you for advice.

"Gma, I want to please this lovely man, who loves me dearly but needs more. Be it wild and crazy or loving and gently. I could really prove my love if I would only do this.......


Basically, selling yourself short. I

I promise. Heling Libray will do you wonders. So will reading here.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/20/2017 23:17 PM

Tonight is one of the nights that we're not together and I'm going insane thinking about what he might be doing. He texted me goodnight but never goes to bed this early.

This is going to be the story of your life if you permit this outrageous proposal to become a reality. Or rather should I say continue to be a reality given his cheating history.

How could you possibly live like this? Don't get me wrong, most if not all of us have issues when we are not with our WS. The strife and anxiety levels increase because we are being hyper vigilant and there is the major issue of trust being shot to hell. The constant worry when they are out of our sight. What are they doing? Where are they? Are they secretly communicating with the AP? Nerves are raw and on edge.

But, your boyfriend has flat out told you this is what he wants to be doing. You will know that every time you are not together there is the high probability he will be with someone else. Why on earth would you want to put yourself through such emotional torture? For him it's a win/win situation. He has you completely under his thumb and he gets to openly screw whomever he wants and whenever he wants. What's the payoff for you? Emotional and mental torture? Physical ailments that will manifest due to the stress? It will be like living in a perpetual state of discovery and endless DDays. Unless someone is willingly participating in a mutually open relationship, which you are not, no one could withstand the constant trauma.

Do not do this to yourself. He is not worth it.

Notthevictem posted 9/20/2017 23:24 PM

If there is another car what will you do?

Loukas posted 9/20/2017 23:40 PM

It's good to see you back, Askingwhy.

deena04 posted 9/20/2017 23:45 PM

You deserve better. Let him have his whatever without you.

Freeme posted 9/21/2017 05:37 AM

Yesterday he told me he was rethinking what he was asking of me and he didn't have the desire to do it anymore because he could see how bad it hurt me( I'm not buying) after everything that's happened I don't trust him.

My guess is that his new plan involves not telling you when he is "dating" because he feels it hurts you too much. So, back to cheating...

Does this guy financially support you and the kids?

Briseis posted 9/21/2017 08:24 AM

Askingwhy--My heart hurts for you right now.

Everyone on this thread has already told you advice I can't add to. Just wanted to say I'm thinking about your situation and how horribly your BF is treating you right now--I'm appalled!!!

I wish I could come over and give you a big hug and have some coffee.

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