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Bitterness about OW

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MissMolly posted 9/20/2017 09:30 AM

Hi everyone,
This is my first post, although I have been lurking on & off for 3 years!!

I discovered my husband's affair in Jan 2014 but it took another year of digging to painfully extract the last of the TT. So we have been in R for about 2.5 years now.We have been together 25 years. My fwh has been amazing. Not perfect, especially to start with but he consistently delivers each and every day. He is now the man I always believed he was, unfortunately I am just a shadow of who I used to be...

The A lasted for about a year. They were coworkers, she was single (divorced-her ex left her for another woman!!!!!!!). My FWW enjoyed her attention and the ego kibbles. Now he says that his self esteem was so low that he always engineered opportunities to win praise & kibbles, despite being very successful and well respected in his profession- none of it was ever enough. On top of this he always struggled to say no to people, always wanted to be the good guy etc etc. All of these issues he has addressed; he has learned that it all must come from within and he says he doesn't feel that way anymore, he has boundaries and says no as often as he needs to now.

The OW wanted him to leave me and the kids to be with her. I saw the messages- she talked about it a lot, he always fobbed her off with the usual excuses but promised he would...eventually. Said what he had to say to keep her hanging on. They talked about their future, where they would go on holiday, looked at houses they could rent and talked about how much money they would have When I found out, she assumed he would go to her. When he eventually called to tell her that he had never loved her and that he was not going to be with her, she went batshit crazy calling him every name under the sun for lying to her and using her, and that was the end of that.

A few months later she began a new relationship, with a single man and they are still together now. She has now got 2 small grandchildren who she adores, they have nice holidays and they all seem very happy! She basically has the life she wanted with my H, just with somebody else! It feels like the Universe is rewarding her while I am over here with my life in tatters wondering if I will ever feel normal again. What do I get? 3 years and counting of pain and heartbreak and I had to nurse and watch my beloved mum die just 11 months after dday and then sort out her stuff and sell her house, my first home. I miss her so much. I feel like I've lost everything. Including myself. I just want to see some consequences for her!! She lives in a town 60 miles away so nobody ever knew, she just carried on as if nothing had happened and now she is living happily ever after. My H suffers every day the same as I do, he was there to witness the fallout and pick up the pieces. He was on the receiving end of my hurt and anger every day since. She showed no remorse whatsoever, and when I contacted her soon after dday she was vile to me, said it was all my fault and I deserved it for being a crappy wife, despite the fact we've never met and don't know each other- and we genuinely had a good marriage or so I thought.

I want her to suffer and be alone and miserable for what she's done. This consumes me every day. I know I need to let it go, but I don't know how. I feel so broken.

[This message edited by MissMolly at 9:30 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Dorothy123 posted 9/20/2017 09:35 AM

Welcome MissMolly.

I wrote this for another post but I will tell you the same thing so I will just copy and paste.

I just want to tell you that your feelings are normal and VALID.

Your feeling may or may not change change over time and that is OK too.

Whatever your feelings are at the moment, they are valid.

Here is proof.

"What % do you blame WS & AP for A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=590226

Also, lots of people here hate the AP too. So, you are in good company.

"What's the most infuriating thing about AP ? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=609632

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/20/2017 09:57 AM

they all seem very happy!

The word "seem" is very important. NONE of us knows what goes on behind closed doors. Her H left her for someone else...and her adultery co-conspirator left her for his WIFE. I can imagine her self-esteem is creating all kinds of doubts in her head. Of course she adores her grandchildren...who wouldn't...grandchildren are AWESOME !!

She can move anywhere...but her past will ALWAYS be with her. She has to live with it every day...just like we all do. Unless she has LEARNED from her past...she is doomed to repeat it.

You have had a lot of trauma in these past 3 years dear Lady...and it has been a bit overwhelming to say the least (((HUGS))). As your brain processes all of this...you will start to feel healing and acceptance. Just take it one day at a time...feel what you need to...and take steps FORWARD as you can. Before long you will find that what the adultery co-conspirator does is truly NONE of your concern...and you will find YOUR life again .

Lovedyoumore posted 9/20/2017 10:58 AM

Bitterness is still living with hate for everything in life for an extended time. Three years out from dday, compounded with a death of a dear one, is well within the usual 2-5 years of recovery. That recovery includes your whole life, not just the marital bonds. I do not call you bitter, I call you still hurting and recovering.

The OW over here is very similar, yet younger and never married. Her life has gone on with barely a blip. She planned a life with him after he ditched me and I believe she was actively trying to get pregnant. When my H woke up to the reality of the game they were playing he dumped her immediately. She stalked and whined a while and moved right on with her single life. She expressed no regrets and told me to get over it. Yeah, it's not that easy is it?

I still hate her. Her dark shadow lingered for a long time, but over the last couple years it has faded and gotten so light that I only catch a glimpse of it once in a while. I still see her on occasion and I'm not going to lie, it triggers me like crazy. She is a classic narcissis so she still thinks she's living in her own personal sitcom. It's kind of pathetic really.

You will eventually move toward healthier thoughts. Cut yourself some slack and quit feeling bad for you own thoughts. Try to find replacement thoughts to get you through. I like to use imagery in my mind. Think of her blowing up like a balloon until she pops. Think of her gradually becoming transparent until she disappears. Imagine that she shrinks into a speck like a period on a page. I hope you find peace.

uxorpatricius posted 9/20/2017 11:49 AM

So....My dearWH had an affair with the "perfect" OW. All pure victimmy rescue-me sweetness and goodness on a scale that the world has never seen. She not only was working on him, so she could leave her ill husband, she had other studs all over her stable ( including one of his now former friends and now former co-workers. That guy is currently leaving his wife, likely to set up a life with the xAP.) Since then she has taken a job where advertising puts her directly in my husband's face daily, has turned people against us, and had me followed. My husband, had also told her he would never leave me, though he also fantasized about what their life would be like with her at her prompting...if he didn't give her something, how was he going to get the "it was like living porn" sex from her? He also had similar emotional deficits to your husband, and the story is long and complex why.

BUT, How to get past a couple of things:

1. That the person we are reconciling with could ever be attracted to someone so shallow as xAPs who would actively seek to destroy marriages - how can that person be worth risking their own marriage if they were not going to actually leave?

2. That, though our spouse has regret, and hopefully is in an active state of remorse and getting help, the xAP just floats along either unscathed or (in my case) able to continue destructive behavior, while we are doing all of this hard work.

A phrase I heard helps me. I use it to get motivated in rebuilding my life.

"The best revenge is a well lived life."

It doesn't mean actual revenge, or a life without pain and healing. It means that you are going to embrace the blessings in your life and live them fully, first by sheer determination, later by newly built joy, pathways and trust in a better marriage. OR, if that marriage doesn't work, newly built joy, pathways and trust in yourself.

Take a deep breath, find some healthy blessing in your life to embrace today, and live it fully.

The kicker....the moment you start doing that, you will be surprised how many people in your life, who want you to be miserable, reveal themselves. You find out very quickly who really loves and cares about you when you embrace healthy blessings!

As for the xAP/OWs keep this other thought in mind, "The higher they climb, the harder they fall." Life has a way of catching up with people, we can actually mess that up if we try to create the fall. Keep her away from you in every way you can, and get on with your own well lived life. I suspect you will excel far past hers in the ways that really matter, if you do.

These are just my approaches, of course, but they work for me (on most days )

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 11:50 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

thatbpguy posted 9/20/2017 12:01 PM

A few thoughts....

First, anyone who has sex with a married man and then acts so horrendous about it all is a disturbed person. Very disturbed. And that will eventually destroy any relationship she ever has to the end of her life. So don't think her life is a bed of roses.

Second, you need to let it go and concentrate on your happiness. I suggest some sort of talk therapy with a professional. You have yet to cope with what your husband did to you.

I wish you well.

EmbraceTheChange posted 9/20/2017 14:08 PM

So the OW had a AP who was:

- future faking the whole time, even though for her it was the real deal
- taking her on a merry- go round of " I will leave my wife, but" for as long as it lasted
- using her for the ego kibbles/attention
- dropped her as soon as you found out

You got:
- a husband with better boundaries
- a husband who changed for the better
- a husband who really wants to be with you
- a husband who is helping you to recover from this trauma

Look at what you gained. Look at your husband still trying and still here, WITH YOU.

Not at a nobody who -you think- suffered no consequences (because she did, as soon as your husband dropped her. Bye bye future with LoverBoy).

smokenfire posted 9/20/2017 14:39 PM

You have WAY too much information about her. She should be a speed bump, not a highway. Block her on all social media so you can not look. It's called pain shopping for a reason. All humans do it - if you remove the ability to do it, it just won't happen. In the beginning you will want to look somewhat frequently, but as time goes on your desire will go away.

Our brains get "stuck on stupid" sometimes and it's like a loop just plays over and over. It's time to take control of that loop and replace it with something else. You may have to play around with what exactly to think but I am confident you can find something. Like when she pops up in your head, Think, I have a better marriage and a better husband. I am building a life I love. OW should not be part of that thought. It should focus solely on you and if you like your marriage.

Trauma can do that, but with effort you can make it stop.

NamasteGirl10 posted 9/20/2017 14:43 PM

My former best friend cheated on her husband with a married man who was the father of four small children. They both got divorced and destroyed two families in the process causing widespread devastation. Their relationship lasted four months after the divorce. My fBF is now remarried to another man, but she is not happy. She has no contact with her children. They do not wish to see her because she destroyed their childhood with her selfishness. If you were to look at her social media accounts, you would think that's she is the happiest person on earth, but I know better...

[This message edited by NamasteGirl10 at 2:43 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

swmnbc posted 9/20/2017 15:58 PM

All of these issues he has addressed he has learned that it all must come from within

There's wisdom here. It all must come from within. That goes for your healing as well. You cannot heal the relationship with your husband if he isn't remorseful and doing the work, which thankfully he is. But healing you on your inside . . . that's your work to undertake.

I feel like I've lost everything. Including myself. I just want to see some consequences for her!!

These are both strong, heavy feelings. You feel you've lost yourself. You wish you lived in a world where people can't do shitty things without paying for them. But I think it's wrong to connect the two. I don't think, in the end, that seeing another person suffer is going to make you feel like yourself again.

Your feelings for the OW are totally natural. We have a primal instinct called mate-guarding that's hard-wired into us. We are on high alert for mate poachers, and when we find them, we go for the jugular. So don't beat yourself up about that. But a little empathy and perspective might go a long way in tamping down the volume on those feelings. Imagine you had a sister or a best friend who struggled with self-esteem and healthy relationships. Imagine her husband cheated on her and left her for another woman, leaving her devastated. Imagine that she escaped the pain with the fantasy of a life with a different married man. Imagine that man allowed her to live in that fantasy and gave her concrete reasons to believe they would be together eventually. If you saw the story from the other side, could you have any sympathy or understanding for the woman who made those choices? I'm not saying you should be BFFs or anything, but viewing her as human always helps me.

In my experience, the key to feeling like myself again is to remember who I am and fake it until I make it. Does the old you have any hobbies or friends she's let slip? Does the old you exercise and plan vacations and do house projects? Start going through the motions of being that person. When I want to ruminate about the OW or the affair but I know I've processed everything and I'm just wallowing, I think of a new project or an old hobby and throw myself into it.

I also recently did hypnotherapy for a phobia, and to my surprise, it really did allow me to control my subconscious. You might look into that.

There's something I'm not quite grasping about your story. Your husband has been amazing, you say, but then you have lived for three years with pain and heartbreak. Could there be something that's not really to do with the OW that you haven't faced or processed yet? Something your husband did or didn't do that you never allowed yourself to blame him for?

In the end, remember that the book is called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair." It's not called "How to Heal Your Spouse." You are the only one who can heal yourself. I would bet you that if something terrible happened to the OW tomorrow, it would be a let-down to you. You have decided that this is the key to finding your old self again, but I really don't think it would be that reset that you hope it would be. You might feel giddy for a moment, but with time you'd be back where you are now. You need to reclaim the things that you love and the person that you are at your core. You do this because life is precious, and you are not guaranteed tomorrow, and deep inside you have great stores of courage and resilience. So get on out there and grace the world with MissMolly!

Notthevictem posted 9/20/2017 16:01 PM

Why do you think you are a shadow of who you used to be?

BlackHeartBroken posted 9/20/2017 16:16 PM

I understand. I'm five months out. You're so far ahead. I'm glad R has gone so well for you! This piece about the OW...it's hard. You have to choose to let her die. I'm trying so hard to do that! My WH says he never thinks about her, that the only time he does is when I bring her up. I used to have her pics on my phone, and I'd look her up online, even her family, to find more pics and info. I'm certain I've thought more about her than she ever did about me. Idk what she's doing. I don't care. She's trash. So is your fWH's AP. Even if she seems like she has it all, she'll always be trash, so she doesn't. You need to try like hell to let her die off. I need you to do that. Sigh. I'm hoping my WH's OW is totally dead to me in a couple more years. Your fWH sounds like he's doing everything right. Enjoy that, live that...let her just die.

MissMolly posted 9/21/2017 04:10 AM

Thank you all for your responses.
I know I think about her far more than he ever has, and I certainly know more about her than he ever did thanks to my obsessive stalking/investigation in that first year after DDay.
I asked fwh if he ever thinks about her- he says no, he thinks of the A as a period of time, a chapter of his life but not about her because, he says, it was never about her. He has triggers the same as I do that bring about the thoughts, place names, TV shows (where it seems there is an A of some kind in everything we ever want to watch ) etc.

So the OW had a AP who was:
- future faking the whole time, even though for her it was the real deal
- taking her on a merry- go round of " I will leave my wife, but" for as long as it lasted
- using her for the ego kibbles/attention
- dropped her as soon as you found out

You got:
- a husband with better boundaries
- a husband who changed for the better
- a husband who really wants to be with you
- a husband who is helping you to recover from this trauma

Look at what you gained. Look at your husband still trying and still here, WITH YOU


I'm struggling to see it like this. I always thought he was a good man, now I KNOW he is a good man but I am struggling to accept that he has had to destroy me in order to get his shit together. I'm envious of him in a way- he's a better, stronger, happier person in every way but he has broken me in order to become this person and now I'm the fucked up one.

Which leads me to..

Why do you think you are a shadow of who you used to be?

I used to confident in my marriage, in our relationship. We have been together since our teens. We were best friends (I thought). We laughed, we had family time, we had great sex. We did everything together except for work.I do remember feeling secondary to work (that was where most of his ego kibbles came from- he says that he became 'deaf' to my praise and adoration because he was so used to it). It was a source of tension. The year he was in the A it became particularly bad. He became angry and critical (guilt), and also had health problems which I now know was down to the stress of juggling 2 lives. Now when I look back I can see that when he left the house for work in the morning we ceased to exist and it was a whole separate life. But overall I felt we were happy but just going through a rough patch as all long term relationships do occasionally.
So I really felt that the rug had been pulled from under me when I found out- I was totally blindsided.

I feel like a shadow of myself because my self esteem is at rock bottom. Now I feel I can't trust in what I see, what I feel, can't trust my own judgement, can't trust anyone or anything. I suffer with depression and anxiety, I used to feel like a good mother but now I am always exhausted and plagued by insomnia, so cranky and impatient. I feel guilty and grieve the loss of the mother I used to be, and the life I thought I had, the marriage I thought I had. I don't know who I am or where I am anymore.

I feel the loss of my mother acutely. My dad abandoned me many years ago so I am effectively an orphan, and I miss her unconditional love. A part of me died with her. She became ill within a week of DDAy and I never told her because a) I didn't want to worry her when she was ill and b) she adored fwh and tried to be a mother to him too (he lost his own mother 15 years ago). So I regret that I spent her final months lying to her, and I'm angry with fwh for putting me in that position. I am angry with everything, with the world. I feel like I am living in a life I don't recognise, everything has changed so much. I keep praying that this is all just a dream that I can wake up from.

I am traumatized, I know. By the A, the aftermath of it, the things I can't unsee, the things I can't unhear, the things I can't unknow. I still get triggers every day, I avoid TV and music, names and certain words still have a physical effect on me. And also traumatized by the loss of the one person that has been with me since day 1, not just the trying to adjust to not having her around but also the fear in her eyes as I held her hand when she passed. She wasn't ready, and neither was I.

My fwh is doing great but I resent him for that as I feel stuck. I need to process all this shit but I don't know where to start. It feels like opening Pandoras Box. I suppose I am obsessing over OW's 'perfect' life as a way of avoiding facing my own train wreck. But it's still not fair. You can't just trample through somebody's life, blow it up and then waltz away like nothing has happened!

I am a good person with morals and boundaries, I always think of others and yet all this stuff happens to me, all at once and my life is in bits. She is clearly selfish, entitled, delusional and morally bankrupt and yet gets everything she wants? I am really struggling to accept that part.

Sorry, I know I've rambled. Thanks for listening, if you're still here!

[This message edited by MissMolly at 4:12 AM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Notthevictem posted 9/21/2017 05:20 AM

Oh we're still here!

I'm just composing my thoughts for response.

northeasternarea posted 9/21/2017 07:17 AM

((((Missmolly))). It's time to focus on you. Do something for yourself every day. It sounds trite, but the best revenge really is living well. I hope today is a little better for you.

NamasteGirl10 posted 9/21/2017 08:21 AM

I totally get what you are saying. I often feel that my husband betrayed the specialness of our relationship and now just wants to put everything aside to move on and chalk it up to a momentary lapse of judgment. My entire world changed and the marriage that we had is lost. He thinks it can be better now, even healthier, but the pain for me is often still are. The OW is just a horrible and broken person that does not deserve to occupy any space in my mind. Not easy at times, but I trwy.

swmnbc posted 9/21/2017 08:30 AM

You should look into counseling specifically for trauma, perhaps EMDR. You don't mention if you have had IC?

So much of resilience depends on how you frame the facts of your life. Every life has struggles and loss. The key is how we frame those experiences within the narrative of our lives. And it's also important to divorce the things that happen to us from the way we live our lives. I'm sure you can think of some wonderful people who have suffered great loss. On the flip side, no one who lives a destructive and selfish life can truly be happy, even if they have the trappings of a successful life.

I'm struggling to see it like this. I always thought he was a good man, now I KNOW he is a good man but I am struggling to accept that he has had to destroy me in order to get his shit together. I'm envious of him in a way- he's a better, stronger, happier person in every way but he has broken me in order to become this person and now I'm the fucked up one.

If he has made this much progress, then I have to believe that he carries immense guilt for making you pay the price for his growth. I hope his happiness comes from the surprise joy of having a second chance with you. I hope with time you can view this as a source of happiness too.

I feel like a shadow of myself because my self esteem is at rock bottom. Now I feel I can't trust in what I see, what I feel, can't trust my own judgement, can't trust anyone or anything.

This is a very normal feeling, but I also see that your husband displayed odd behaviors due to stress and guilt during the affair. You didn't know what was behind it at the time, but you did know something was off. That gives me comfort when I have the same thoughts, to know that my husband was wracked with guilt and giving a lot of tells. So if he were acting strange again, I would instantly know something was off.

I also think you have some grief work left to do, and a good IC can help you with that. I won't minimize your grief by telling you to look on the bright side. But I do think the fact that you were able to keep the affair to yourself to protect a dying woman shows great strength. What you can do now is visualize yourself telling her about the affair when she is healthy and able to comfort you. Imagine her reaction and her words of comfort to you.

I am a good person with morals and boundaries, I always think of others and yet all this stuff happens to me, all at once and my life is in bits. She is clearly selfish, entitled, delusional and morally bankrupt and yet gets everything she wants? I am really struggling to accept that part.

I almost certain that the OW in my case is still single going on 3 years later. She posts things about being single and waiting on God for the life you want. And based on how much she posted about her boyfriend previous to the affair, I imagine that she would be shouting from the rooftops if she had found someone new. Her clock is ticking and if she doesn't find somebody yesterday, she probably won't get to have children. Does this make me feel good that she has failed to get what she desperately wants? No. What if my husband is the last person she slept with? What if she still pines for him? Sometimes I wish she would find somebody already because then I'd know for sure she has moved on. Why? I don't know. The obvious answer would be that I will feel threatened until she does, but rationally I don't feel threatened by her (she lives 7,000 miles away, so it's not like she can slip back into our lives easily). The thing is, these feelings don't come from the rational part of us. She even had some bad things happen to her this year, which of course she posted all over social media. But that didn't make me feel better either. Because in the end, it's not about her.

Try to remember that. It's not about her.

My fwh is doing great but I resent him for that as I feel stuck. I need to process all this shit but I don't know where to start. It feels like opening Pandoras Box. I suppose I am obsessing over OW's 'perfect' life as a way of avoiding facing my own train wreck. But it's still not fair. You can't just trample through somebody's life, blow it up and then waltz away like nothing has happened!

Do you resent him for what he's done right since the affair, or do you resent him for the affair? Maybe the fact that he has put so much into reforming himself and she has gone on to marry and have her "[not so] happily ever after" makes you worry that you're falling behind in terms of moving on. But you are on a different time table. They knew they were in an affair. They knew it would end some day. She may have hoped differently, but if she didn't think him choosing his marriage was a possibility, then she's an idiot as well as a morally bankrupt person. So they were way ahead of you on DDay. You were just finding out about it.

How does your husband respond when you express all these feelings to him? Or maybe you aren't communicating your struggles enough and allowing him to carry his part of the burden?

And again, are you in IC?

NeedingClosure posted 9/21/2017 09:16 AM

When the A happened I was quick to forgive the OW. But as time went by I realized I forgave in words only. 11 years later my bitterness towards the OW has become much worse (i.e. my recent post about how my opinion of the OW has gotten even lower). The truth is that I thought the OW got away free of consequences. I noticed last year that she was married and it really upset me to see her looking so happy. What I didn't realize was that after her relationship with my WH she went on to have an abusive relationship (which I wouldn't wish on anyone!) I assume her marriage is happy, but I also learned that she has cancer.

What I'm getting at is that while it may appear that the OW got off without consequences, in most cases we can't know that to be a fact. I talked to my WH last night about how I'm feeling about the OW and asked him to help me to actually forgive her. I'm feeling a lot of guilt for hanging on to this anger and I know it is only hurting me. She probably hasn't thought about me in years and I'm sure I've thought of her more than she's ever thought of me.

MissMolly posted 9/21/2017 09:59 AM

I'm not in IC.
I did try but the resources in my area are so limited that all I could get was a young girl trainee who just sat nodding sympathetically and repeating back everything I said. It was a disappointing experience & I felt so vulnerable I'm not sure I could face trying it again.

I do share with my H occasionally and I know there is nothing he wouldn't do to help me, but I don't know what I need to become unstuck so all he can do is listen, comfort & reassure me. When I tell him how much it upsets me that she is living happily ever after, he tells me I need to forget her and focus on us, because we are what is important. Intellectually I know he's right.

Do you resent him for what he's done right since the affair, or do you resent him for the affair? Maybe the fact that he has put so much into reforming himself and she has gone on to marry and have her "[not so] happily ever after" makes you worry that you're falling behind in terms of moving on

Resent is maybe the wrong word...I'm really very very proud of the strength he has shown in facing his demons and the progress he has made. I suppose it's envy that he has been able to reform himself and she has got what she wanted but I'm struggling to move forward, and resentful that I even have to deal with any of this. I feel like I'm the one paying the price for everything they did. I know my fwh feels great guilt and shame for what he's done to me but unfortunately, that doesn't undo it. Nothing ever can, which is what I'm struggling with I think. I'm still wishing for a better past and I don't know how to get past that.

What if my husband is the last person she slept with? What if she still pines for him? Sometimes I wish she would find somebody already because then I'd know for sure she has moved on. Why? I don't know.

I feel awful admitting to this, it's not my nature to wish misery on people, but I want the OW to pine for my H. I want her to spend the rest of her life miserable because she hasn't got him and can never have him. I don't want her to move on. The fact that she has moved on so easily makes me so angry!! If it meant so little and he was so replaceable then what was the point??

Sigh.

swmnbc posted 9/21/2017 10:44 AM

Definitely keep posting here! There is power and healing in telling our stories. With each telling, the trauma loses its sting.

I wonder if losing your mother so quickly after DDay made it impossible for you to do any emotional work on the affair then. It was all on hold. And so it needs to come out now. And any time there is lengthy TT, healing takes longer. You kept having to press the reset button with each new revelation.

I also wonder if your father's abandonment plays into your difficulty. In a way, your husband abandoned you for the OW during the affair. You may have extra feelings about that because of your prior experience.

I recently wrote a whole post about how I think I secretly compete with the OW in my head because I get something out of it. So I totally get it. I just know that it's never enough. I can never win enough, she can never suffer enough. Emotionally it feels like those things will help, but they never do. Working on processing the feelings, communicating with your husband, mindfulness, gratitude . . . I think these will help you more than anything that does or doesn't happen to the OW.

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