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For those who prolonged the inevitable...

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mighost posted 9/22/2017 05:22 AM

What's your current feeling about it?Did you regret that you agonized additional pain or consoled yourself by 'I did try everything before I pulled the plug'..?
Lot of betrayed spouses comes to forum for insights.Various advices are given to them.I understand it's up to the BS to decide that which advice is best for them to follow it.But I have a feeling that some 'New Beginning' people have regrets on their post D-Day decision of Reconciliation/Divorce..If so please share it.It can be useful for young man like me.On the other hand I feel forcing Reconciliation or waiting 6+ months for a BS in a lost cause is not fair especially if they are already in a brutal situation same goes to forcing divorce to a BS who have all the control of the outcomes..So thoughts?

Husburned posted 9/22/2017 06:15 AM

My conscience is clean.

I gave her the gift of reconciliation, the opportunity to do the difficult work of winning my trust back. She ruined it so completely that I have no doubts about her or about us.

In a weird way, I'm thankful to learn the true depths of her narcissism and lack of compassion before I became infirm and found out when I had few options.

Should this be in the Divorce/Separation forum?

Chrysalis123 posted 9/22/2017 06:19 AM

I regret that I wasted YEARS of my life on a person that did not value me, and was manipulating me and or trying to hurt me for years.

I wish I would have divorced 9 years before I did. What I did not understand was his character is damaged. I could not fix that, and he was not willing to do the work. The evidence for that was present all along...I just refused to believe it.

lieshurt posted 9/22/2017 07:13 AM

I have never regretted my choice to divorce. Had I been wiser, I would have divorced much sooner though.

devotedman posted 9/22/2017 08:10 AM

As I recall, and from talking to other divorced folks, there is often some regret around the time of the divorce that fades later.

During the M the spouse is revealing their true colors. As a devoted spouse ourselves we often try to change a bit or accept. We become different than we were when we were single -but- it often happens so slowly that we don't really notice.

Then, D happens. Since we've been putting so much into trying to work on things and stay married we see all of our hard work evaporate. So, of course we're down about it. Sad, etc.

As we get used to being single again and we realize what was going on those feelings fade. Sometimes we see that while it is happening, sometimes not. What is usually true is that life is wonderful again and so as time being single goes on we regret the D less and less until we're finally all, "Fuck yeah!" and "This singlehood is _awesome_"!

Then we work on ourselves a bit and start dating again.

h0peless posted 9/22/2017 08:35 AM

I waited four months before I filed, and while I may have prolonged the worst of my pain for a little while, I wasn't in a place where I was ready to do it yet. I don't regret the wait.

Jls0320 posted 9/22/2017 09:24 AM

I gave my ex almost a year to come to his senses, found out he was still seeing her and then filed. I regret not doing it sooner and wasting more time, causing myself more pain, yet I can say I tried everything to save our marriage

BrokenheartedUK posted 9/22/2017 09:28 AM

I was married for 18 years and four days on DDAy. I was completely unprepared to D. My EX said he wanted to R, but would not do *the work* so when I discovered 13 months later that he was continuing to lie to me about breaking NC repeatedly, I was dunzo. I did not regret trying to R, we have three kids together and I still loved him, but I definitely do not for a second regret getting a divorce. Like many others, I wish I had divorced him long before the A because the emotional issues he had that led to the A in the first place, plagued our marriage throughout.

phmh posted 9/22/2017 09:43 AM

I waited a month to file (so not long in the grand scheme of things) but wish I would have done it immediately. Waiting only delays healing, and my life is so incredible right now. I only wish I could have seen what life would be like without him and I would have divorced him immediately (or possibly before I knew about the cheating had I recognized his emotional abuse)

Dismayed2012 posted 9/22/2017 11:38 AM

I had regrets about my decision to rug-sweep the first D-Day and then after the second one I had a myriad of regrets; too many to write about.

I lived with 'what-ifs' for over two years after D-Day #2 until the day I came to the epiphany that this wasn't how I wanted to live. Now, after going through all of the stages of denial, pain, and regret, I can say that I'm okay with my choices. They could have been better, but they could have been worse.

Thankfully I didn't allow regret to permeate my life and ruin it. I came to a fork in the road and decided to change coarse and live free from the past and by default became optimistic at the future. It was close though. Whew! And not something that I ever want to do again!

That's why I'm here. I'm hoping that my minuscule contributions might help other BS's avoid the long path that I traveled.

kpstartingover posted 9/22/2017 12:38 PM

After d-day I was willing to try to make things work but when I found out 3 months later that they'd been in contact the whole time, I kicked him out and filed ASAP. My IC and a lot of other people advised me after D-day to wait a year before making any big decisions, but that was soooo not the right advice.

I did everything I could and I think I d'ed him at the exact right time. Zero regrets.

mighost posted 9/22/2017 13:32 PM

@kpstartingover Your IC and other advises are utter BS.Infact waiting 2 months is too much let alone a year..The Waiting advice should be only for the BS's having WS's who ready to do anything to save the relationship unconditionally..

Pass posted 9/22/2017 13:38 PM

I spent three months as the one-man reconciliation team, while she continued doing whatever the hell she wanted. It was a long, nasty three months, but I was able to walk away with no worries about whether I could have saved the marriage.

My life is SO much better than it was in the 20 years of shit and abuse I spent with her. I deeply regret that I don't see my kids every day, but that's a result of me choosing the wrong woman to be their mother. My kids and I are making the best of it.

kpstartingover posted 9/22/2017 13:48 PM

The Waiting advice should be only for the BS's having WS's who ready to do anything to save the relationship unconditionally..

In an ideal world, I agree. In almost every circumstance (with situations where the BS's life could be threatened by making a sudden move being an exception) I think shock-and-awe by filing immediately is the way to go. You can always call it off or even get back together later but in my experience there's rarely a downside to moving quickly.

However, it's tough to do so when you're emotionally ravaged and barely have the energy to get out of bed, which is where I was for several weeks. I physically could not have made the process go much faster.

Newlease posted 9/22/2017 15:37 PM

I regret the way I handled the news of Dday - I did EVERYTHING wrong. I tried to love him back. I took every criticism he leveled at me and tried to fix ME to make him love me again. I played the pick me dance all the way up to the day he filed for D.

I didn't implement the 180 until after the D was final.

I do NOT regret the D. I tried the best I could to make our 24 year marriage work again. And I say again because it was a good marriage up until the time he decided to cheat. He is the one who gave up to chase a fantasy.

It has been 12 years since the D was final and I am very happy with my life. I've had some bumps as every life does - married or not, but things a really good now.

NL

ADryHeat posted 9/22/2017 16:21 PM

It was 8 months between dday 1 and when I called it.

I do not for ONE second regret divorcing him.

I also don't regret marrying him. We had so much life together and grew up in that relationship, and the lessons are still coming to me, two years later.

I'm not sure why I tried to R. Fear, maybe? I'd say it was for the kids, but I an a staunch believer that living IN a broken family is far worse for kids than coming from a broken home where the adults move on and get healthy emotionally.

I've never really articulated this before, but I think a LOT of why I stayed was because I needed to face it and not rug sweep, and I knew in my heart if I D him immediately I'd never get any closure. I needed it. I needed to go to MC and get the truth and hash it out and I needed him to see what his actions did to me. It was awful, but it was part of my healing process. If I'd walked away on day 1, I honestly believe I'd still be struggling. Instead, I'm almost three years from dday and almost two years D, and I'm at peace. I got my closure. I didn't allow him to destroy us and walk away without the closure I needed. So I have no regrets.

Nycountrystrong posted 9/22/2017 17:19 PM

I regret giving my STBXWW the opportunity to betray and lie to me again. on d-day we had been together for 17 years. I tried again for that fact and to try and keep our children's family intact.

It was all false R though. She went underground is all, never truly stopping her actions, just laying low for awhile. 5 years later we are getting divorced.

I regret the additional time lost to an unremorseful spouse. Her actions have further damaged our kids. I wish I had just took them and walked away all those years ago now.

Phoenix1 posted 9/23/2017 00:48 AM

No regrets divorcing him. He really left me with no choice for my own well-being. I am not sorry I stuck it out for as long as I did (four years) because I had my reasons for doing so, and we were not openly fighting so it wasn't a toxic environment for the kids, but I could not have gone on much longer. It was killing my soul with each passing day.

wildbananas posted 9/23/2017 01:25 AM

My only regret is I didn't leave after the first d day and waited 6 more years before pulling the plug.

dancingmom66 posted 9/24/2017 07:27 AM

After D day, I offered reconciliation. When the full truth was revealed soon after I decided to divorce. Too many women over too many years and I had no clue. No regrets.

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