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Daughters know about ow...

Brisee posted 10/18/2017 08:06 AM

I was doing well but since the weekend, I am a wreck again. He started preparing his things for his move. It's sad to see his luggage. This weekend, we will empty the closets and the garage and everything else. Saturday, I found out ow bought a house. I know it doesn't change anything and certainly not the kind of person that she is but I feel that it is so unfair!! She hasn't worked in a few years because of her depression and she cheated on her husband with his friend but she gets to buy a house! Grrr! Also, on Sunday, I realized that my kids guessed about ow and my eldest screamed at her dad and said that he doesn't deserve us, deserves growing old alone and abandonned, that I deserve so much better than him etc. She told him that if she saw his whore (her words) , she would slap her and spit on her. Ouf! Not easy but we had a talk after and they had a talk and it was ok. He showed me pictures of the house but I didn't really want to see. There will be a room for all of my three kids with a double bunk bed! There is also a room for her two kids. It kills me to think they will live like a family with her kids (she has her kids two weeks out of two). My kids will be with me most of the time (their choice). I find it difficult to think that he will be starting over with someone else and I will have to grieve by myself... it's just so hard! But I know I will be ok...

Root posted 10/18/2017 08:53 AM

He bought a house for an unemployed depressed cheater with 2 kids what could possibly go wrong??

[This message edited by Root at 8:53 AM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

Brisee posted 10/18/2017 09:46 AM

He didn't buy a house . Ow bought a house...

ohforanewme posted 10/18/2017 10:54 AM

Ah Brisee
This is tough stuff we go through.

Just thought that despite the seeming injustice of the house and all, there are some things that you can take solace in.

For one your cheating WH certainly hit the jackpot here;

but I feel that it is so unfair!! She hasn't worked in a few years because of her depression and she cheated on her husband with his friend

Yes, I have longed my whole life to have a woman in it just like that

And then what do you get?

My kids will be with me most of the time (their choice)

And in my book, that is no consolation prize.

I hope that life just keeps smiling on you. You will be ok

solstice21 posted 10/18/2017 11:02 AM

I can relate (((Brisee))). OM bought house and STBXW moved in with him soon after I filed. Like you, accepting that my children were moving away and in same house with OM felt so unfair....and nothing that I could do.

Almost a year later for me. I just make sure that I am completely available for my children. I continue to be involved and don't miss any events. I still miss my children tremendously when they are not with me, but have learned to cope. I always do what is best for them. Unless the OP presents any kind of danger, the courts will not interfere.

The one thing that STBXW and OM did not consider is that by moving in together, they are now Cohabitating and mingling funds. This has a potential to affect child support and alimony so you might want to discuss with your attorney.

Hang in there as things will get better......

Pass posted 10/18/2017 12:01 PM

I find it difficult to think that he will be starting over with someone else and I will have to grieve by myself... it's just so hard!

You're right that it's hard, but your method is the healthy one: Separate, grieve, thrive, and THEN try to meet somebody new.

His method just shows how truly broken he is.

And yep, you'll be okay.

Brisee posted 10/18/2017 14:29 PM

I broke the 180 today. I keep telling him how I feel (that it is so frustrating that a woman like that can get everything she wants ). I try to tell myself that in the long run, I will be better off but I keep thinking about her . I don't even want him anymore . I 'm just frustrated that she gets everything by cheating, lying, taking advantage of etc.
I hate this. So much shit caused by two selfish people!

smilethrupain posted 10/18/2017 15:15 PM

I am extremely jealous of the MOW in my case too, I get it. She gets to be with my husband while I'm grieving. I know that he isn't a prize anymore but it still hurts and feel so unjust. However, my WH & OW aren't official, they're just dating in the shadows still. So I don't have to deal with them in a house together or my son going over there (yet). I feel like it's only a matter of time though.

I'm so sorry. I get it, I really do

Simplicity posted 10/18/2017 22:55 PM

Your daughter is great! When I was a kid, my mom wouldn't allow us to scream at our dad, reminding us he was still our father, even tho he didn't give a rat's ass about us. It was so frustrating for us, and even today if we want to say anything mean, we can't outright say it to him, because of our history, so instead he gets passive aggressive comments that point out his failings as a father and man as a whole without being overtly obvious.

Brisee posted 10/19/2017 05:22 AM

Simplicity, I was very proud of my daughter who was able to tell her father how she feels. Afterwards, I told her that she could be mad at him and disappointed but that his role as a father as always be great except for the past two years. She has to remember that what he did, he did mostly to me. He has been a lousy husband but he was a great dad when they were young. She has to remember that as well. But you should have heard her speech. It lasted about one hour and a half all in all. She was amazing. He was crying like a baby of course and maybe he realized the extent of the consequences . It won't change his decisions but at least he knows how she feels. I would never have stopped her from telling him how she feels. I don't care that he is her father, if what she is saying is justified and how she feels, than go girl!!! My second daughter was crying and telling us that she wished she could be mad at her but it's not in her (she is like me) but she said she was hurting. The only one who didn't speak was the little one. She's too young to understand everything he did.

SBB posted 10/19/2017 05:54 AM

Gently - she doesnít get everything. She gets a cheater who thought nothing of doing this to his partner in life and the mother of his children.

She may not realise it yet but she bought a lemon.

I can say the hurt and anger about your kids being forced to participate in the insta-family fades once you get to your new normal. My girls were 4.5 and 2 when he started playing happy families.

I was still a blubbering puddle on the floor who wasnít sleeping or eating and he replaced me just like that.

Losing my M was one thing, the agony of losing my babies for 50% of the time coupled with losing my M AND that whore enjoying my glorious children? Oof.... Iím wincing at the memory.

After a while the shock and grief subsided and it became my new normal. They were happy and the earth didnít swallow me whole after all. My time with them was more enjoyable than it had ever been during my miserable marriage.

Remind yourself she didnít get the man you thought you married - she got the douchecanoe youíre divorcing. That guy ainít anywhere near the catch youíre remembering.

When I was where you are now I didnít believe them when they said it wouldnít always hurt this much. Iím happy to report that I was wrong.

Be gentle with yourself.

Edited to add this article - ďSheís SpecialĒ, it really helped me find perspective during some pretty horrific times.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

[This message edited by SBB at 6:00 AM, October 19th (Thursday)]

Brisee posted 10/19/2017 15:03 PM

Thank you all for your points of vue and your kind words. I know that I will be fine in the future . It's just a rocky and lonely road to be on right now...

smokenfire posted 10/19/2017 17:05 PM

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "they will live like a family"

First of all blending families is no joke. It can lead to divorce quickly, especially if there are parenting differences. He will need to deal directly (without a buffer, namely you) his daughter's anger and resentment. OW will have to see herself reflected fully in their eyes in all her shining glory as a home wrecker.

They might live LIKE a family, but they will never BE a family. Huge difference.

Tortured posted 10/20/2017 01:47 AM

Hugs... but she got a lemon and by the sounds of it so did he... the karma bus will come one day me thinks!

Any parent that cheats is NOT a good dad... and he did it to all of you... not mainly you. Because what he did was set the standard for how he wants his daughters treated. That is really really important. I don't buy the good dad bad husband theory because what we present to our children is some the the greatest influence and what we allow as a society changes their lives when they are adults. Sorry my rant but I'm also having one of those days.

I'm grateful your daughters understand and stick up for you.

Hope the week ends better for you.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/20/2017 03:05 AM

Be the best aren't you can, and try to block out what's going on with your xh. It seems good over there from your perspective, but you don't live there to see the truth.

My children have told me xh and ow fight all the time now, 5 years out.. and I love hearing that. A while back they came back from their Dads early. OW was yelling at xh , locked him out of the house, and was hitting him!!!!!
.

Ettabetta posted 10/20/2017 09:52 AM

I am so sorry that you are hurting. As a (now adult) betrayed childó my suggestion is: please donít try to uplift your stb exhusband to your daughter. She is allowed to feel that he is a horrible father. I certainly felt that way about my dad. I, too, told him that I would be happy to tell his slut exactly what I thought of her- when he brought up us meeting. Needless to say, I never met her. Your stb ex was not a good father while cheating. And he probably sucks right now too as he is busily planning the rest of his life. Just support your daughter if she decides that she doesnít want to interact with the OW or her father. Her fired you from the job of making him look good and facilitating family relationships. There are consequences for behaviors and choices- let him deal with them and just be there for your kids. Big hugs-

Brisee posted 10/21/2017 07:25 AM

Thank you all for your nice words . I have decided that I will concentrate on my kids and I and let him, for once, deal with his own consequences. I have defended him in the eyes of everyone for two years now and this is where it brought me. It's time I think of myself a bit. Only a few weeks left...

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