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Just saying hello

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Allmyfault1 posted 10/24/2017 08:53 AM

I have been gone for a few months, and today thought that maybe it would be okay if I popped in and said hello. I m reading alittle to catch up on a tiny portion of what I missed.

I am not sure what to say, but I just felt....lost today. So this is where I came. I hope that's still ok.

Wool94 posted 10/24/2017 08:59 AM

How are you. How are things with your H?

Allmyfault1 posted 10/24/2017 09:17 AM

That's a long, complicated story. I will be a short and simple as I can.

Physically I am fine. I am in no danger and I don't feel that is an issue. It has been in the past, but not now.

Mentally, I am...the same? Confused, lost, hurt, lonely, sad.....But this is the new normal for me. A friend gave me some advice not ever too long ago. It was basically, Get your crap together and leave, or stop bitching about it. I know that I am not strong enough to leave. I simply don't have it in me. So, the only thing to do it stop bitching. "Shit or get off the pot" as the saying goes.

I know things will never get better now. I have given up on that pipedream. I will never make it right. Knowing that is a little relief. I simply spend my time now trying to make each day as good as I can. Good for him, good for the kids, good for everyone. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fall on my face. Today I fell, and I needed someone to talk to. Any I guess I came here because I don't have anyone else to listen to me complain.

Sorry, that was not short.

Iwantmyglasses posted 10/24/2017 09:37 AM

I don't think this is a shit or get off the pot type of issue.


This is a very sad situation. What is happening with your children? Are they still living with you both?

I didn't think you would leave him. You are not the only woman who cannot leave an abusive partner. Are you reading and looking to apply knowledge to create better boundaries for yourself?

Allmyfault1 posted 10/24/2017 09:55 AM

My kids are back home. They stayed with a friend for a little over a week, and they asked to come home. I am trying very hard to make things ok for them. I try not to bring anything up around them, and if H does then I try to simply stay quiet and let it blow over while the kids are around. He is slightly better about this than he was. I guess I should give credit there. On a whole the kids seem better. Of course they know the crap is still going on, but I try very hard to shield them from it. Focus on the good, try to push through the not so good.

As far as reading and such, I have tried. I know the words to say, I know what I am supposed to do, but somehow when I go to say them they get all twisted up and never get heard the way they were intended. So I guess the answer to your question is yes and no - Have I been reading yes, I have. Can I put what I read into practical application - No.

Seems sort of pointless....

wildbananas posted 10/24/2017 13:05 PM

Hi Allmyfault1, it's good to see you. I've thought of you often.

I'm sorry you're so sad - I'm sad for you. And I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I know firsthand how hard it is to leave. Living like this isn't good for you and your kids, or even sustainable for any period of time. I know you know that, though.

(((AMF)))

Allmyfault1 posted 10/24/2017 13:53 PM

I just don't know what to do. I wish someone else could just make all the decisions. If I do it, I'm going to mess it up. Even when I try to go right I mess things up. It so much makes me want to just stop trying some days, like today.

I tried going to IC. H flat refused, said it was a waste of time and gas. I only got 8 sessions through my insurance before they started charging and I had to stop going. Really I don't think it was going to help much anyway.

Anyway, I'm not sure how often I will be here. I know the advice that people will give - leave. And we know that's not going to happen. So, like my friend/acquaintance said - Leave or stop bitching, Change it or live with it. I don't want to frustrate people here by them having to listen to me complain - so I probably wont post much.

Today was just particularly bad, and I needed to have contact with someone that wasn't negative.

[This message edited by Allmyfault1 at 2:27 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 10/24/2017 14:01 PM

Hey Allmyfault1

I would not imagine that you know anything about me. I was sort of a contemporary of yours (but on the other side ) when I had just started posting on my JFO thread.

I was still raw and angry and trying to understand the WW mind so I would read over here.

I sort of saw all WW's as a proxy for my WW and wanted to hate you all, but your genuine effort and openness made me slowly warm to you. I just couldn't dislike you any more.

By the end I found myself on your side and thinking that your BH was the idiot. I did not feel emotionally strong enough to post on any of your threads at the time but I saw several other BH'S felt just like I did and they shared that with you.

I am glad that you are back. Hate the reason that you are but we can't do anything about that. We can be here for you

Hoping that you can find your way to happiness. Will lend a hand where we can.

OhFor

Allmyfault1 posted 10/24/2017 14:36 PM

Ohforanewme - Thank you. I hope that you and your WH have made progress toward whatever end you desire. It is my deepest wish that no one would ever have to go through things like this.

Wool IWantMyGlasses and Bananas - Thank you all as well. Sometimes it helps a little to know that someone gives a damn.

I wish I could better articulate how days like this feel. To say its been a "Bad day" just doesn't seem to explain what I mean.

But thank you all.

Darkness Falls posted 10/24/2017 14:40 PM

I don't know your financial situation but if it's at all feasible, please don't let your husband bully you into not getting IC. As you might know, that is one of the tactics abusers use to isolate their victims---prevent them from getting help from an independent, unbiased source such as a qualified therapist. Because, of course, they are afraid that counseling will help their victim become strong enough to leave or otherwise not continue to allow the abuse.

CantSleepCantEat posted 10/24/2017 14:50 PM

I'm happy you're back - I was just thinking about you recently, and wondering how you were doing.

I know that I am not strong enough to leave. I simply don't have it in me.

Don't accept this. You are selling yourself short, and it's so saddening. Why do you think you don't have it in you? I bet there are a lot of people here who believe otherwise.

I simply spend my time now trying to make each day as good as I can. Good for him, good for the kids, good for everyone.

I can appreciate this, but I can't see how the current situation is good for anyone.

Besides, what about good for you? You only get one life - don't waste it! Your resignation makes my heart hurt. It's like you don't believe you deserve better, but I'm here to tell you - you do.

Iwantmyglasses posted 10/24/2017 15:12 PM

I am not telling you to leave. It's easy for people over the computer/phone to say leave.


Your friends advice isn't the best. You shouldn't isolate yourself from anyone


Don't isolate yourself fro SI. Your husband is mentally ill. You are not. You need support.

wildbananas posted 10/24/2017 17:15 PM

I never thought I could leave either...until one day, I snapped and walked out the door with nothing. You may surprise yourself someday. You're more capable than you realize.

tiredofcrying59 posted 10/24/2017 20:40 PM

I can understand snapping and leaving with nothing, but instead of that, why not start planning an exit so that if/when you work up the nerve or have just had enough, you don't have to leave with just the clothes on your back?

You don't deserve this treatment. I'm the BS and I don't think you deserve this treatment.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 10/24/2017 21:00 PM

Allmyfault1 - so GLAD to hear from you again. Been thinking about you because you are important.

Here's a thought. Clearly you and your BS are two broken people. (Same for me and Mr. ISurvived.) You need to get better for you first and for your kids. They deserve a mom who is all there, who loves herself so you can love them they way they deserve. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for them. A lot of us get through this for the sake of our kids.

So while you are healing yourself and getting to the point where you realize you are terrific, safe, good, and can face the real you, the behavior towards your BS will change and you will stand up for yourself. That will change your BS because you will know that his BS (pun unintentional) is because he is broken. So you will get healthy and start exhibiting healthy behaviors.

Maybe, just maybe, your BS will start to change too and will start to see that his walls are blocking love and joy from his life. Maybe he'll start on a road to healing too. And if he doesn't, you'll be the super star confident person you deserve to be and will have the strength to take whatever steps you need to complete your emotionally healthy journey.

What have you got to lose? It is already bad now, you cannot go back in time, so why not go forward with a better outcome than before?

I'm hopeful for you. As I said to Mr. ISurvived, everyone deserves love and joy and to give the same to the children we brought into this world. So go for it and let your BS come along if he likes.

I know this is sort of a reverse recommendation from our norm but you have to save yourself and your children.

Wool94 posted 10/25/2017 02:38 AM

Allmyfault, we truly do care. I get on the site looking for posts from people who have truly touched my heart with their story.

That means that I look for your posts as well. Please don't disappear. You mean a lot to us here(me in particular).

Post whatever you need.

We're here for you.

ohforanewme posted 10/25/2017 03:23 AM

Hey

Please do stick around. This is the most incredible community and they really do care. Should actual say, we do care.

I am hoping that maybe my experience can give you some hope and encouragement. In your reply to me you say;

I hope that you and your WW have made progress toward whatever end you desire.

Well, I suppose the end we all would have desired is for that time machine that often gets spoken about here and we could have engineered it to never have happened but, given that that is not an option, I have made it to a place of greater happiness than I would ever have thought possible at anytime through the nightmare journey.

XWW is not quite there yet but I think that she is starting to move forward to a better place as well.

Possibly, most importantly, my 2 Precious People freely admit that they are in a better place now than at anytime over the past 2 years (even though we only told them of the D decision mid July this year. They just sensed that the home was not happy), maybe even than ever. Their Dad is now truly happy, not just constantly trying to make someone else happy, They can see it and that makes them happy. Sometimes, as hard as it is to see, some people who thought that they loved each other are just better apart.

Please know that, in sharing this, I am not in anyway trying to suggest that this should be your choice. Just sharing this so that you know that there might be other ways of achieving happiness for both of you and especially your little ones.

I don't have the best credentials on the prayer thing but through my experience of the past 2 years I have met up with a group of the most wonderful women who certainly seem to have that all sorted and I have asked them to add you to their daily list.

Allmyfault1 posted 10/25/2017 07:40 AM

I have met up with a group of the most wonderful women who certainly seem to have that all sorted and I have asked them to add you to their daily list.

Thank you - I am not a super religious person, but I have tried recently. I'm not really having much success with it myself but maybe someone else has more "pull" than me (said jokingly). In all seriousness, it certainly cant hurt.

I have never felt so conflicted in all my life. I *know* in my head I should leave. I am not blind to what's going on. But there is this paralyzing fear that I cant explain. I don't think I have ever been truly afraid of something until now. I mean yeah I thought I was scared of things - but it pales beside this. It is something that is beyond my ability to explain.

I know that I wont die without him. I know that I would probably be better, and if not happy, at least not miserable. But I cant seem to make myself move. I guess maybe I don't want to - maybe I think somehow that its a dream and I will wake up, or a fairy godmother will wave a magic wand and everything will be okay again.

Maybe this is karma. I was not a very nice person in the past. I hurt people that loved me. I was pretty cruel to one or two in particular. I was young and stupid and unthoughtful. I have gone back and asked those people for forgiveness. They both said they forgive me, one said that's all he ever wanted to see or hear from me again as long as he lives, but he does forgive. Maybe this is my "come around" for the hurt I caused. I was told once a long time ago that it would all come home to me one day - if that's true then this is that "day".

Maybe my H is right, and I am cold, heartless, soulless, POS who only care about myself and what I want. And because I don't *want* to go I am making everyone else suffer too.

I just don't know....

[This message edited by Allmyfault1 at 7:45 AM, October 25th (Wednesday)]

Iwantmyglasses posted 10/25/2017 08:05 AM

No!

We were all young and we all have hurt people in some
Manner.

This is the beauty of life. We get to learn and grow. We get to say we are sorry. We get to change to be better. To do better.

This is real life.

There is no such thing as karma. In Christianity believing in Karma isn't following God's Gospel. The Gospel is rebirth. To be made new. Every single one of us can be made new. Every single one of us.

sassylee posted 10/25/2017 10:00 AM

Hugs AMF...I'm glad you're back. Please stay. You're never alone here at SI. We're here for you...

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