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It's Over and I'm Lost

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whoami16 posted 10/27/2017 08:03 AM

I've been here for a bit although this is my first post.
I'm a FWW, my BH is also a mad hatter (had a revenge affair, both physical and emotional)and we have a young child.
The OM was a coworker at a new job I had started, also married with a family. I don't know what I was thinking as this is totally out of character for me. My life was spent being 100% about my family, taking care of them. I was never the selfish type, everyone else always came first and to hurt someone like this scares me.
D-Day 1 was August 5th. He found out by snooping, I trickled the truth, gas lighted, even went to the extent to let him retrieve our text messages like a real coward. At that point I had not revealed all the truth thinking somehow this would shield his already broken heart. I promised no contact with the OM and I still had it. While it was not sexual it was still comfort I should have giving and getting from my BH.
MY BH did everything, read every book, researched, found this site, talked to other people. Tried to help me open up. I just didn't/wasn't able to/maybe wasn't ready to do the same. He was our champion, trying to make this marriage work.
My empathy for my BH was lacking from August - end of September, probably due to still having contact with OM and just not being able to open up (I have problems sharing my feelings and I bottle them up until I become resentful and explode).
We were going to MC and each had a separate IC. Contact with OM continued through BH's mental breakdown and rock bottom. When this happened (4 weeks ago)I ended contact with OM, even though we work at the same department we have a liaison in place where he and I never have to communicate. A few days later my BH contacts OMW and lets her know what's going on. So for a month now it's been good. OM doesn't contact me, I don't contact him (we spoke on the phone once which BH knows and walked passed each other on the street), BH and I are getting along, enjoying our company and things are progressing. I've began to open up these last few weeks, I'm able to be understanding and soothing and loving and show him I am the person he married.
The problem is I never cleaned the slate. I never let all the details out. The contact, the sexual acts, etc. This past week I told BH (not without him helping pull it out)in hopes that we were on a healthier track and this would make it better. He revealed he was still speaking to his OW (he had a revenge affair) but had stopped.
I was partly relieved we were able to get it all out but partly horrified.
BH is hurt all over again, just like the D Day. He again reached out to his OW for support and I can understand that as I barely have a right to be hurt. I just don't know what to do. Seeing him like this makes me sick, and knowing I'm responsible again makes it so much worse. He's said that he is unable to get through this and doesn't want to. He asked for a divorce.
I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop trying but I don't see any hope. I sincerely want him to be happy and I understand that it can't be with me but I just don't know what to do.
Any advice, any suggestions welcome.

gonnabegr8 posted 10/27/2017 08:19 AM

Bless your heart. I'm sorry - you guys have moved fast w creating so much hurt toward each other

You might ask the mods to move this to the wayward forum - you'll get more specific advice. Sometimes people are a little more frank in general and you don't need that venting right now.

The return from infidelity is a rough road - you/me/we went down a pretty eff'd up and selfish road. There is pain to wade through and fix - shit you have to clean up and sadly while things can get better,' often the damage done is irreparable and pain to BSs unreversable. Even when the BS goes MH most people have said it's not the same because it's in response to an A usually and not as shocking as a wAywsrds affair reveal.

Sorry you're here. - it's hard stuff. Find a good resting place and go there often.

I'll be honest - I'm not pro-reconciliation these days (and that's been a long time). The damage from an affair seems too deep to me and when a wayward does what they do - I just can't imagine whats left inside to fix or nurture toward the marriage. You can help fix the recovery situation and you must, and you can absolutely nurture the BS. But that marriage is dead and to me dead is dead. On the table - flat lined - no life dead.

Maybe other pro-reconciliation people will come along to help.

I do know for your own benefit you shud get out of adultery - change jobs - get out - nuclear arsenal on going NC. I don't know why in the hell waywards think they can stay in contact - part of the fucked up thinking I guess. BIG FAT NO.

Next you gotta rewire your brain - that's all on you. Find out your why and do the opposite. Think about others, be honest, put others first. A lot more to this but your thinking is wrong - recalibrate.

Finally - your habits need to be made more healthy - what did your ap do to make you feel the affair was worth it? Change those habits. Yesterday.

Stay posting - we are here - it's just hard. I'm at the end of my infidelity road - never EVER to return to anything remotely related again. It feels good to be in a good place.

You can get there too - hugs to you, H and LO

[This message edited by gonnabegr8 at 8:22 AM, October 27th (Friday)]

psychmom posted 10/27/2017 08:23 AM

If he wants a divorce, give it to him. He can change his mind at any point, but you've destroyed parts of him that he needs time and distance from you to fix.

whoami16 posted 10/27/2017 08:28 AM

GonnaBeGr8

Thank you for that and thank you for taking the time to read my absolutely craziness.
I've made some horrible choices, which have been completely out of character for me but I am working on myself. Through IC, reading and introspection I'm figuring out what it was I thought I was missing that I sought out in the arms of another. And the realization that another person can't fill a void makes me feel so much for foolish and ashamed of what I've done.

I'm going to keep working and keep trying.
I owe it to my little one, my H and myself.

NorthernGirl12 posted 10/27/2017 08:28 AM

He asked for a divorce.
I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop trying but I don't see any hope

I think the advice I would give you right now would be the 180. Read the healing library. Work on you right now and take your focus off him. From reading what you wrote you sound like you feel guilty (with good reason), but what he is doing to you isn't right. Your marriage will never work with three of you in it. What he is doing is not right no matter what his reasons are. I've read on here before that you have to sometimes be willing to lose a marriage in order to save it. This seems to be the case for you. You do not have to lose hope, but I would make it very clear to him that you want OUT of infidelity. No matter the cost to you. Shift your focus back to you and your young child. Your marriage will never work if he needs to run to the OW every time he is hurting.

Anybody that has this done to them is in pain. You have the right to feel that way as does he. Your issues are compounded due to the whole Madhatter thing. The truth is you have both cheated. Best of luck to you.

whoami16 posted 10/27/2017 08:39 AM

Psychmom
Thank you.
I told him I will not contest a divorce if that's what he really wants. I don't want to make things more difficult than I've done already.

NorthernGirl12
Thank you.
BH told me this last call to his OW is the last as he understands contact with her isn't helping anything. I'd like to believe him.
I am trying to work on myself but I don't want to be cold to him because I know he's hurting. Me not being compassionate or loving will make him think I've given up. I feel maybe, just maybe, this is a test to see that I still want him and only him. Him asking for my love and attention. Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking.

notperfect5 posted 10/27/2017 09:12 AM

BH is hurt all over again, just like the D Day. He again reached out to his OW for support and I can understand that as I barely have a right to be hurt. I just don't know what to do. Seeing him like this makes me sick, and knowing I'm responsible again makes it so much worse. He's said that he is unable to get through this and doesn't want to. He asked for a divorce.
whoami,
Oh, I know how he is feeling! My wife, after discovery just continued on with the affair and took it deeper underground as we went to IC and MC... It hurts even worse than the affair itself.

He says he wants a divorce. That's what he wants right now. What he wants and what he feels can change multiple times a day because he is reeling from your betrayal.

I can't speak for what you are going through, but for him, the continuing to contact you OM after discovery of an affair is agonizing. He may do ANYTHING to get out of that pain. It is just like how a drowning person will reach out for someone who swam out to rescue them and will drown them too.

When you talk with him about his affair, you should tell him that any further contact with his affair partner is profoundly wrong. Sure, he will call you a hypocrite, and you are, but what is most important right now is that you both support each other to DO WHAT IS RIGHT. Having an affair is profoundly wrong, sinful, abusive, whatever you want to call it... You both need to step out of the hurtful darkness and support each other through this time.

Let him know that you want to be his wife for the rest of your life, if he will have you. Let him know you will be there and support him through this pain that you caused through your selfishness. Apologize daily and keep working on being a better you.

It may be that staying with you is just too painful and he needs to end your marriage. I struggle with this daily. It is an agony that has been with me since 2013 and continues still. But it is fading and I am slowly healing, and he can too. It does get better.

But you can play a huge part by letting him know that he is truly the one and only person you have devoted your life to be with and want to show him that you are worth committing to as well. He is unique to you. Yes, he is now one of two men that have had you in the marriage, and you cannot undo that choice. But the OM no longer holds any place in your heart and you pledge that it is for your husband and your children only, till your dying day, from this day forward.

Good luck whoami... I will pray for you and your family.

Lalagirl posted 10/27/2017 10:43 AM

The thing is, both of you are very broken and toxic to one another. There have been members on this site who have divorced, gotten well/healed, and remarried. IMO, your current M is dead. You need to let go of the outcome and work on yourself to fix what is broken, heal, and become a safe partner, whether it’s for your BH/WH or someone else. But most importantly, you need fixing/healing for you.

Hugs…

Jimmy1962 posted 10/27/2017 11:42 AM

It looks to me that infidelity starts out bad and then tapers off to nothing!

I recommend strong whiskey sours.

sisoon posted 10/27/2017 11:58 AM

...I barely have a right to be hurt.

I think you're wrong in thinking that - your H cheated on you. You have to heal as a WS and as a BS. That's 2 different types of healing.

Your H does, too. For a start, he needs to go NC with his ap if he wants to R and heal. He cannot heal if she's still in his A. He's not a candidate for R while he's cheating.

If he stops, I recommend coming clean - answering any question he has honestly and offering to share any info he wants.

I think you're both likely to be on a roller coaster, and I doubt that either of you know what's possible for you. I expect you're both still in a stage of hoping you can just turn back the clock.

At the same time, I think you made the right choice in telling your H you won't contest a D - but get yourself a good lawyer ASAP.

stayedforthekids posted 10/27/2017 11:59 AM

TT is a killer. It's just about the worst thing you can do if you even want the possibility of R. TT makes everything you say from now on suspect. It made me feel like I never got the whole story; I was perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made recovery next to impossible.

If you don't have kids, just divorce. If you have a family you want to keep intact, tell your BH every single detail. Write a detailed timeline. Hold nothing back. Blunt, cold, hard truth. Don't bullshit or minimize. Then tell him you'll take a polygraph to verify that's the complete and total truth.

This may or may not change anything. R is never guaranteed or owed. I also think R is one of those be careful what you wish for things - especially when the wife is the WS. R is also a helluva lot of gut wrenching and painful work. I personally will never attempt R again. Results vary though. Good luck.

nekonamida posted 10/27/2017 11:59 AM

Whoami, his choice to reach out to OW is not your fault. It may seem very difficult to wear the BS hat right now but you will have to if you want any chance at R. I don't think it's any coincidence that he talks to OW and then wants a D. I also don't think you can blindly trust that he's done talking to her either. He said that before and look how that turned out.

180'ing is the right idea. It's not about being cold. You should still be polite and cordial but it will help you to stop focusing on him. It will help you to not do the "pick me" dance now that you know OW is still in the picture. Your MHH doesn't need you to comfort him and hold his hand in this because he fired you as his wife. Your best bet at turning this around is to give him what he asked for and focus on fixing yourself.

SI Staff posted 10/27/2017 12:08 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

CWBS83 posted 10/27/2017 13:14 PM

I don't understand why it takes WS's so long to get that aha moment. My WH is similar to you, he is incapable of opening up about his feelings without sounding like he is talking about a third party. There is a coldness to it. I too have decided D is the best option for us. It wasn't so much the affairs that made the decision for me, it is the inability to be truly vulnerable, and his inability to make me feel wanted and like his first choice. I have felt like the option left on the table and that's the only reason he claims to want R (if he is truly NC with AP). There is no action behind it.

RA's are a terrible way to go, you add poison to an already toxic situation. If your BS wants a D, give it to him. There is nothing you can do. You had the option to be completely honest and put 100% into your relationship but you didn't. You burned that bridge. Sometimes there is just no building it back up. Work on yourself, show him you truly want the relationship to work with your actions until the day he files for D. If you don't have it in you to put the work into bettering yourself or making the relationship work then just walk away. You may do all that and he may still go through with the D. The damage may already be too much.

Hopeful30 posted 10/27/2017 13:22 PM

“I don't know what I was thinking as this is totally out of character for me.”

No stop sign.

You stated that this was totally out of character for you. Are you in IC to find out why you did this?

Because you did do this it is your character.

You need to own that in order to find out what to fix within you.

His revenge affair has complicated matters. I did not do that, but I definitely considered it.

smokenfire posted 10/27/2017 13:26 PM

Welcome and thank you for sharing. I understand how difficult it is.

The first thing if you all are going to build a stronger better marriage, There has to be only two people in the relationship.

Ya'll are using other human beings to shove in the holes in your hearts. That doesn't work because that is not what people are for and the only thing to do is reach deep into you and heal yourself with honesty and work.

You can't control BH obviously so its time to hyper focus on yourself. Look into codependency. There is a guy on you tube called Russ Rosenberg who has spent his career focusing on that area and his work is amazing.

You both obviously have deep wounds that you likely brought into your marriage. Broken people do not make a whole healthy relationship. That's just a reality.

xhz700 posted 10/27/2017 15:55 PM

I've made some horrible choices, which have been completely out of character for me but I am working on myself

My recommendation for step one of working on yourself is integrating your self image with who you actually are.

You can say that you did something that was outside of what your normal moral boundaries are, but your actions, and the consequences of those actions, are a part of you.

numb&dumb posted 10/27/2017 16:16 PM

I really think leaving your job would be a good "Show of faith" for your H. If there is still the opportunity for contact . . .He will still spend a lot of time worried that you are. It will take up a lot of head space and will never allow him or you to focus on anything else.

Your probably are not, but continued contact after promising NC and during MC counseling is defeating. He doesn't trust you. Further all the work he put in did not produce the results he expected. He lost hope in everything. He wanted to be a champion for the M and it burned him badly. You need to play that role now. If the M is really want you want.

If I can give you piece of advice right now is that try to help him find some hope or something he can believe in or hold onto. You need to carry the hope torch in anyway you can. He spent all of his already and recent events have proven to him that having hope was foolish and naive. He tried to have integrity and it just served to hurt him further. So realizing integrity has little value he traded for a misguided and desperate attempt to gain some peace in this situation. A situation he can't make any sense of.

Only very drastic measures are going to have any effect on him. Big changes. Even then he will doubt your motivations for doing them. Your motives for doing these things will be treated from how he sees you now. Which is the opposite of selfless and loving wife. You aren't going to get any pats on the back or encouragement. He tried that already. He is trying a new path now. Which sounds like walking away with any of his self respect intact.

Remorse and him believing you have remorse would go a long way towards your goal of at least opening a dialogue. He needs to see that from you in the worst way. Again, only if it genuine. Don't make it worse by faking anything right now. Even if it seems like the right thing to do. The lies are always much harder to deal with than the actual A itself.

He doesn't believe you have any respect for him. I can't emphasize how important respect is to a lot of men. Men will opt for respect before love. It doesn't mean we don't or can't love. It just means we are wired differently.

Show him you respect him for starters. It will pave the way for other ways to help him heal and possible soften him towards risking further hurt again.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 4:20 PM, October 27th (Friday)]

LivingWithPain posted 10/27/2017 16:24 PM

BH here.

I filed for divorce when my WW cheated but I called it off later on after she showed me some progress towards wanting to fix herself and rebuild our relationship.

Your husband is going to change his mind twenty times. Just expect it. His mind is reeling right now.

Darkness Falls posted 10/27/2017 17:31 PM

I would definitely NOT advise you to quit your job if your husband wants a divorce. You will need to be able to support yourself and your job, especially if long-term and/or secure, can provide important stability (financial and otherwise) in a time of upheaval. And seeing he is a cheater too, who knows what he will decide to do? Plus as others have said, you need to heal as a BS as well, and if he won't stop his own affair or contact with his OW, you might very well decide YOU don't want HIM anymore---either way you will still need your job.

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