SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dd1 happened in May, each phase that is so often described here all happened to me. Disbelief, raging, tearful reconnection, more raging, depression, thoughts of self harm...I pushed her away and then danced the "pick me" dance, sometimes in the same day.

She was oh-so-remorseful and tearfully told me how much she loved me during the months that followed and the emotional crisis ratcheted down a few notches.....and then I learned that the affair was not over, DD2 happened. She had not had s x with him since dd1 but she had carefully maintained contact and expressed to him that she missed him and loved him while at the same time telling me how sorry she was for the pain she caused and how she could never hurt me again that way. The pain ratcheted back up, and all the same gamut of stuff from Dd1 reoccurred only this time more intensely, if that is possible.

And now the pain is dissipating somewhat, replaced by cold hard reality.

Again, she is lavishing me with I love YOUs and "it's over". And I mostly believe her, due to circumstances I won't go in to.

BUT HOW DO YOU MOVE FORWARD WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WIFE WEPT TEARS OF SORROW WHEN SHE THOUGHT HER AFFAIR WAS OVER, REPLACED WITH TEARS OF JOY WHEN IT RESTARTED? Her words in a text....

How do you un-know that she spent most of her waking moments dreaming about the next time she would be with him?

How do you un-know that your own importance to her was nil and that he completely owned her heart, soul and body?

How does this not strangle what love is left inside?

I want my marriage to survive but the future looks dismal..

OMG you are in a very tough position.

I have no words of wisdom or answers to the very tough questions you have.

I just want to let you know that my heart breaks for you and your situation.

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

To be clear, the gut wrenching and desperate pain has subsided, replaced with a deeper hurt that I know will not leave.

My thought have mostly turned toward the future now....a blessing in a way because the past few months are the worst thing I've ever experienced.

To stay or to go? She is remorseful (again). She is a wonderful companion and truly is all I ever wanted.

But obviously I am not what she wanted......tho she says otherwise.

Lots of people have shallow marriages for convenience sake....that is an option. Going back to the single meat market is an option too, one with zero appeal for me, at least for now.

Our relationship is relatively smooth at this point. The fighting is over. Now there stretches before us a highway into the unknown. What is the chance that happiness is out there ?

And along the other road, is there a good chance of happiness there?

Maybe neither road leads to happiness, then what?

I know the answer. Like the guys at the carnival game says, ya pay your money and ya get your chance, what happens next nobody knows...

[This message edited by Taurus11 at 8:42 AM, October 28th (Saturday)]

As long as you want the marriage more than she does you'll continue on your current path.

I suspect like many you're confusing remorse with regret at getting caught again.

Cheaters lie a lot as you've seen.

You willingness will probably work against you. You've show her how she can treat you and she's learned.

It takes two. Not just you.

Repair. That's what has to happen to both of you, regardless of what you decide for your future.

Hard work for the two of you, regardless of your decision.

IC, ideally for each of you, because this stuff messes with your sanity. Most people say IC is a requirement for the WS. Is she in IC? Is she remorseful now?

For her, lots more has to happen.

1. Own the affair and the serious of selfish disastrous choices SHE made

2. Apologies and remorse. Don't confuse remorse (true repentance) with regret (for being caught). This is key to you because she continued the affair

3. Getting her head out of her arse. This was no true love. This was destructive to both you and om's spouse. If you have kids me it was destructive to them too.

4. It's her fault, regardless of any problems you might have in your marriage prior to her affair. See remorse above. She needs to know that this is entirely her fault, due to a series of hundreds of poor choices and poor boundaries with men. Do not let her think you caused her to stray.

5. Amends to you and your family. She needs. To earn your trust again. This won't be easy because nothing she can do will make justice for the affair. But she needs to try and try and show it.

5. Time. This takes 2-5 years for both of you...regardless of r or d.

MC, if you decide to give the relationship a shot. This ought not to happen right away. Too soon and it's a waste of time, money and effort for the two of you.

You get to decide if you want to continue this relationship. You may not want to in the future, so give yourself permission to take the time you need to decide. My mind changed daily on this subject for the first two years....and then for the next three, I would still consider divorce an opinion.

Finally, for you, know that you will be ok no matter what you decide.

Strength.

How does this not strangle what love is left inside?

There is no love left inside. She killed it with her A.

The only hope you have is to be able to rebuild love with her. That's if you choose to believe she can be faithful to you.

From your post, I have serious doubts about it.

I know the answer. Like the guys at the carnival game says, ya pay your money and ya get your chance, what happens next nobody knows...

... except that this time, you have a very good idea of where it could be headed, because you have played the game before.

This is not a low risk game you are playing. The odds are stacked against you.

What makes you think it is really over?

I would likely move forward with a divorce lawyer.

I'm guessing the factors you hinted at include the OM losing interest or the OBS finding out.

These 6 months away from her reinforce that I made the right decision to kick her out. I see clearly she wasn't strong enough as a person to truly do R. On reflection I can recall her saying a couple times that she'd read it can take up to two years for healing. She said it with this whining sound in her voice, and I see now it was solely for her she felt that despair. None of it was for me.

I think you need to ask yourself one question. Is she the type of woman who has ever demonstrated the capacity or willingness for serious self-reflection? If the answer is no, I think you know what to do.

Why would you allow yourself to accept less than you deserve?

(you don't have to answer, but it is food for thought).

Why would you stay in a relationship where you are an option?

Why are you listening to her words, when you know they are lies?

What is she providing you that makes you think it's better than being alone, and loving yourself completely?

There can be a complete and happy person and not tolerate less than you deserve?

Maybe she continues because she knows you will tolerate it.......

As usual, tushnurse asked great questions.

Here's another one: What’s different about what she’s saying now vs what she said the first time?

Would you have called that one remorse? You saw how that turned out, so obviously you were mistaken - it wasn’t remorse. Well, why would you call this remorse then? What’s changed?

Forget words, what has she done to show you she can be a safe partner? What actions has she taken?

Exactly the same questions I have been asking myself. Especially when in R, how do you "un-know" all that has happened? (as you put) I do not know how to answer them. We probably need to get used to living under uncertainty and "not knowing answers to everything" and give up on determinism about relationships. Lack of determinism in the sense that you will never know how to un-know what you know now This probably requires some re-wiring of one's self and I don't know how to do it. But if anyone has suggestions, I am willing to listen.

[This message edited by burcm at 8:42 AM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

She is still an addict for the OM.

Get out of infidelity.

Have her go live with the OM and his wife.

That should be wonderful for her.

this is what you wrote in May:

I don't suffer fools very tolerantly and now that I have been made one, it's stiffened up my backbone and resolve considerably. What's the adage, "make a fool out of me once, shame on you. Make a fool out of me twice, SHAME ON ME." Yeppers.

You say that she is all you want in a partner, but don't seem to believe it yourself. She may be many things, but one things she is NOT is honest. That is probably one of the biggest things you would want in a partner.

As long as you want the marriage more than she does you'll continue on your current path.

A very wise point.

With what you have told us, it's hard to imagine she really wants or loves you. Maybe you're doing the "pick me" dance too much.

I am the quintessential husband who not only confronted the WW (actually it was a revenge affair), but confronted the OM, got physical with him (her little KISA, was dragged to her desk, in her office, in front of her boss and her staff, and she was told, after I beat him near senseless that she was ugly, fat and the worst lay...several minutes later, she got another title, unemployed), then had the utter joy of discovering that he was working here illegally, and since my wife had no further ties to the company, I called INS and had her little friend sent back to his home (where his wife was waiting with her brothers)

Husband's should never participate in the pick me game. You won that game earlier, which was consummated by the marriage. At that point game over. You won! The game doesn't restart. That's not how it goes. You were the winner and it's for keeps. Do not even acknowledge that her current pick me game even exists by removing yourself from the it, 180, stick to it and allow the chips to fall where they may.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:27 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Sounds as if she's in affair fog. Is om married? If so, expose. What other consequences can you level? Poly? Std test? Exposure to family? She needs a dose of reality. How did they meet?

Do you have kids?

Talk with lawyer to cover yourself.

180, hard.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:37 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]