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Why the reluctance to blame WS?

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Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 06:35 AM

Personally, I see that there is GREAT reluctance to blame the cheater.

There are biologist and scientist who claim to have found the cheating gene.

There seems to be many psychiatrist, individual counselors , therapist, marriage counselors and mental health experts in every field imaginable that want to put the blame of the A on

1) The BS
2) Job related stress
3) Social related stress
4) Family of origin issues
5) Childhood related stress
6) Unmet needs as an adult
7) ETC to infinity

I also see a huge need from non professional non BS too to not blame the WS.

Non professional non BS's seem to want to blame the BS for EVERYTHING.


"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

"Before the A
The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the WS consider cheating.

That something may be
1) Not enough sex
2) A nag
3) Cold
4) Unsupportive
5)ETC to infinity.

During the A
How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?
How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?
How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After Dday
The BS is dumb for staying with the WS.
The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.
It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less."

My question is why is there a huge reluctance to blame the WS ?

My only guess of an answer to my question is I think there may be a taboo against blaming the WS.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:29 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

Notthevictem posted 10/30/2017 06:40 AM

CS? ????? Don't change my acronyms on me!!!! I can't handle the mental requirements for that!!!!!!


My pooor poooooooor brain!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhh........!

Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 06:44 AM

OK NTV, repeat after me.

" CS is cheating spouse "

DarkHoleHeart posted 10/30/2017 06:58 AM

Hm, I cannot find it right now, but somebody on SI said something along the lines: reluctance to blame CS comes from belief that you somehow can control your SO's actions - i.e. I'm good spouse, and that means that my SO will not cheat on me. Marry cheated on Jon, because Jon wasn't good enough of a spouse.
If they loose that belief, they feel like they lost control, became helpless, that infidelity might become their reality too despite their efforts, love, etc.

Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 07:01 AM

reluctance to blame WS comes from belief that you somehow can control your SO's actions

Blame for the A is cast way beyond the BS though.

There are biologist and scientist who claim to have found the cheating gene.

There seems to be many psychiatrist, individual counselors , therapist, marriage counselors and mental health experts in every field imaginable that want to put the blame of the A on

1) The BS
2) Job related stress
3) Social related stress
4) Family of origin issues
5) Childhood related stress
6) Unmet needs as an adult
7) ETC to infinity

It seems to me that everyone wants to defend the cheater in every way possible .

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:29 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

AngryandhurtinFL posted 10/30/2017 07:23 AM

If they blame the CS (sorry Notthevictim) then they will have to admit that people are shitty and f***ed up!

NoMercy posted 10/30/2017 07:44 AM

"The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce."

LOL. I can live with that. It's much better than being a doormat and staying with a liar who couldn't show me the respect I deserved.

There seems to be many psychiatrist, individual counselors , therapist, marriage counselors and mental health experts in every field imaginable that want to put the blame of the A on

1) The BS
2) Job related stress
3) Social related stress
4) Family of origin issues
5) Childhood related stress
6) Unmet needs as an adult
7) ETC to infinity


It's like someone has read my mind. I ALWAYS say this about 'therapists' - that they'll pull any bullshit excuse right out of their butts in order to provide a 'why' for why the cheater cheated. A favorite of theirs right now is that the cheater is an 'addict.' They LOVE using that one.

Because goodness KNOWS, we can't put the blame squarely where it belongs, right? No, it's easier to invent some hogwash nonsense disorder or 'FOO issue" which also ensures MANY MANY more visits to the quack's office for further 'coun$eling' - because said quack needs to put their kid through college.

Yeah, it couldn't POSSIBLY be that they cheated because they simply couldn't resist temptation, or because they wanted to, or because they wanted sex with someone different, or simply because it was available and they COULD.

No, it's always got to be some ridiculous quack nonsense about the cheater having been neglected or abused or bullied in school or they were traumatized with a hang nail, etc. etc. etc. Such utter tripe.

lieshurt posted 10/30/2017 07:50 AM

CS? ????? Don't change my acronyms on me!!!! I can't handle the mental requirements for that!!!!!!


Majority of people understand CS to be child support. WS is wayward spouse.

The1stWife posted 10/30/2017 07:56 AM

Meet my therapist.

Cheating is a choice.

Enough said.

Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 08:09 AM

To me, this seems to be the message.

The poor cheater was driven to cheat by their genes, their surroundings and their upbringing .

But please ,never blame the cheater!

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 8:15 AM, October 30th (Monday)]

Underthesurface posted 10/30/2017 08:16 AM

I have zero problem with blaming my Cheating Spouse. It was his fault it ever happened. Not my fault. Iíve had plenty of opportunities to be more than friends with other men, but I never gave other men that chance with me. Never once thought about it. I respected my husband and marriage.

Loukas posted 10/30/2017 08:17 AM

I believe the most common reason folks don't blame the WS is out of fear and control. Married couples around me weren't able to figure out how or why my ex had an affair. They never seen it coming, nor did I. That's a terrifying thought. That someone you trust more than any other could one day just have an affair.

I longed for control over my life. That I had the power to make it stable and predictable, especially my marriage. Part of that control was that if I did certain things a certain way, my then wife wouldn't cheat. There's great comfort in that thought. It takes away the anxiety. But is it true? In my experience it isn't. Because my then wife is a human being, completely capable of making her own choices and she did.

For others around my ex and I, what happened is a sobering realization. That we aren't in control of our lives. That the person we trust most is capable of truly horrible things. It becomes easier to blame the BS, because by looking at my actions, they can try to learn and grow from "mistakes" I may have made in my marriage and avoid infidelity. It gives them that control back. They don't want to admit that it could happen to them. I can't say I blame them. By blaming me, they are blaming themselves, and "assuring" stability in their relationship.

Freebygrace posted 10/30/2017 08:35 AM

I think the general public thinks it is lack of sex at home. On Reddit, the cheaters say they have a "deadbed" and that's why they justify cheating.

In my situation, it wasn't any of those things. My WS likes "new conquests". He wants to see what someone elses breasts are like and how she feels and does things. The one thing I can't be......is new.

I don't care if anyone blames me anymore. I know that I was doing my best to be a good wife. He is the one who made all the bad choices.

thatbpguy posted 10/30/2017 08:51 AM

There are reasons and there are excuses- but still the WS is to blame 100%.

There is a reason for everything we do. But still we are at all times responsible for our actions.

I think many people who let the WS go feel like they are admitting they're a loser for not being able to hold a marriage together. That people will also look down on them as well. I know I felt that way to a certain degree.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:01 AM, October 30th (Monday)]

1sadmama posted 10/30/2017 08:57 AM

I'm ashamed to say I thought some of these things before I was cheated on. I thought it must have been the BS fault in some way. Now that it's happened to me I understand things on a different level. I wish I could take back what I thought before. I may not have been a perfect wife in every way but that doesn't mean my WH could hurt me like this. For me there is no justification he could give to me that would be an excepted reason. He must take all the blame for his actions.

Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 09:03 AM

you shouldn't blame the WS!

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:30 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

Cheatee posted 10/30/2017 09:13 AM

DarkHoleHeart hit the nail on the head.

People tend to blame the BS, so that it validates that they themselves are good spouses, since their spouse (as far as they know) hasn't cheated on them. If they were to admit it has nothing to do with them (which it doesn't), they are far more at risk.

SeeksTruth posted 10/30/2017 09:36 AM

It isnít only the MC and those not cheated that are reluctant to blame the CS (thanks, I prefer cheating over wayward. Wayward seems to soften the reality). BS can also be reluctant, because if they can pin it on sex addiction/predatory AP/FOO or other things they have something tangible to blame, something to focus on other than their CS.

I did it, it was easier to find a thing or his AP to focus on so I could try and are with him, because if I gave him the full blame he earned, and didnít practice transference, R would not have ever been on the table.

Dorothy123 posted 10/30/2017 09:50 AM

latebloomer45 posted 10/30/2017 09:54 AM

CS? ????? Don't change my acronyms on me!!!! I can't handle the mental requirements for that!!!!!!

Majority of people understand CS to be child support. WS is wayward spouse.

Ditto. This site has been around for well over a decade and the acronyms are confusing enough without changing them around!

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