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RE: Exercise for WSs

Leamop posted 11/12/2017 16:23 PM

I've read a few posts that contained a little info on an exercise (maybe something requested during counselling?) where the WS writes down all of the ways his/her affair impacted the life of the BS. I asked this question over in the reconciliation forum, but have received no answers yet. Does anyone know what I am talking about? I'd like it explained to me so that I can explain it to hubby. He's willing, and I think it would be good for us both.
Please, if you know what I'm talking about, point me in the right direction.

Smjsome1 posted 11/12/2017 16:32 PM

My IC had this plan where my WH would right out everything he'd done, read the list to me at home, and apologize as he read each action. I was supposed to sit quietly.
I was supposed to then wait and he'd read again to me at IC, and he'd be quiet while I told him what each action did to me, how it made me feel.

We have not successfully gotten thru the him reading to me part cause I loose my mind. Either he forgot something, or I just get so angry/hurt I can't take it.

Is there a word for angry/hurt? Angurt! Anghurage (rage)
Rage hurt?

Anyway - not sure that's what you are looking for, it's hell though - if it is

hurthumiliated3 posted 11/12/2017 16:55 PM

This is not quite the same, but shortly after d-day I read an idea here or somewhere else for a wayward to write down everything they'd given up by having an affair. My WH worked on his for almost two hours and it was pretty insightful. At that point he was still very much thinking selfishly and I think seeing what he ruined for himself was eye opening. Now he thinks in terms of how it affected me and our children. That doesn't sound exactly like what you are looking for, but I thought I would throw it out there.

NoLongerAlive posted 11/12/2017 18:27 PM

Leamop, I don't have an answer but this sounds like an excellent exercise for a WS to show if they really grasp, or at least acknowledge at some level, the impact to the BS. I think it should also include the impact to the children. Hope others can help provide more information.

Leamop posted 11/12/2017 19:02 PM

Smj- I don't think I could sit quietly and listen to those facts. Nope. That doesn't sound helpful, in my opinion. Must be hard to listen to.
hurthumiliated- that's also a good idea. I think my hubby has a clearer picture of what he risked for himself than what he lost for me :(
NoLongerAlive-it does sound helpful, I'm just not sure how to clearly state what my expectations would be. I think forcing him to actually think consciously about it may make it make more sense for him. It would also be maybe reassuring for me to see that he recognizes the impact his actions have had on me and our kids. He's actually been very helpful, and we've come a long way, but I just have no idea if he actually gets it. He's not naturally empathetic. I have given him examples of some of the unexpected triggers, so that he has an idea of how his affair has penetrated every part of my days, but if I'm not outwardly suffering, I believe he thinks it's not part of me in that moment.

Smjsome1 posted 11/13/2017 00:44 AM

The only good thing I can say is, he really started to see what he had done, the enormity of it.
If we ever make it to the second half were Iím supposed to tell him how it made me feel Iím sure Iíll need to be strapped to my chair. And I wouldnít want to be him.

sunwillshine posted 11/13/2017 01:13 AM

We did a disclosure. My fwh wrote a list of all the times he was unfaithful. It included when, where, who (if I knew) and a general description of the event. This was read to me with my therapist and his therapist present. It was all prearranged and I was picked up by a girl friend and spent the night with her.
Can not imagine doing this with just my h. That would have been disastrous! Literally, I would not have survived it.
This stuff is so traumatizing, I would highly recommended these things should be done with therapist trained in dealing with infedelity.

Leamop posted 11/15/2017 17:32 PM

Sunwillshine- I think we are beyond that part. He has told me all I needed to know, which I believe was everything, sparing the details I chose not to have. When I think of something, I ask, he answers.

I'm not over what he did, but I am passed that being my focus, if that makes sense. For healing, now, I want to know specifically if he 'gets it'. Not what he did. I'm looking for an exercise that shows me that he knows specifically what he did caused __blank__ for me. I'd like him to list the things like: You no longer feel beautiful or attractive. You are triggered by your own birthday. You have an ulcer. You feel that you have lost patience with our kids. Point by point, each thing that he recognizes was directly caused for me by his affair.

I don't think these things will have the same response in me as what you've described. I honestly can't imagine doing that...that must have been horrible.

shellbean posted 11/15/2017 18:49 PM

After dday 1, WH was told to write down 40 ways his A had changed my life. WH came up with 50. For example: Loss of ________ (fill in the blank). There are so many things we BS lose as a result of WS betrayal. If you Google this, I think you might find a list. It's a good exercise, and revisit the list with him every once in a while - it's good for WH to be reminded of the loss.

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